Let me first comment on the continuing analogy between Boston Terror and Chuckles’ Tucker incident.
The lite brites having “electronic parts”:Bomb
Chuckles blog post:actual threat
As related to the post below, Seitz had an awesome line in comments about the terrorist potential of a spirograph:
LGF interp:
“The abstract code of the terrorists has so far been uncrackable.”
Shrinky dinks-
“The terrorists have been able to create tiny, smugglable pictrographic representations of various devices, possible blueprints of important installations, drawn in tiny marker lines.”
Keep going!
I think etch-a-sketch would be a goldmine!
God forbid the terrorists get their hands on a game of Battleship…
[cue ad jingle music]
Operation: you’re the bomb squad
Terrorists Bobbie and Susie were today apprehended with a portable electronic schematic of the US Pacific and 6th Fleets. The terrorist intel appeared to be flawed in that they apparently believe there are only five ships in each battlegroup. Chillingly, the battleship was represented by a “red” symbol, described by analysts are representing “fire” or “blood.”
Thank you PP. Much better than I could have done. If anyone can come up with nefarious use for a Slinky, I’d love to hear that as well.
A foreign-born man was apprehended this evening, he was said have placed on the bench an optical device containing several batteries, a high output capacitor and some sort of thin light-reactive substance.
Several emuergency calls were placed to the police, and the device was set up us by the bomb squad.
Security camera footage from several DHS cameras document the man pointing the device at several historic structures within the metro area during the prior day, and emuwitness accounts indicate the man seemed to be intentionally ignoring seeing the device he had set down on the bench as he got up and ran for a train.
SUPERBOWL TERROR ALERT! Breaking: Authorities have apprehended several dark-skinned men in the stadium parking lot. A couple had painted their faces, perhaps a disguise? In the back of their open pick-up truck were a box containing cardboard tubes full of gunpowder and magnesium, as well as a cooler containing several canisters of a carbonated fluid. They were also in possession of porcine byproducts — perhaps preparing a message to those of us who don’t eat halal??? More as this develops…
Nothing could be more IED than Slinky.
“Police refused to comment further than their original statement regarding the scented, plasticine figurines shaped into humanoid form other than their original speculation that the scent was a designed attribute to avoid detection by explosive-sniffing dogs, the same dogs who had agitated upon exposure to the 5-year old’s Dora the Explorer backup. Just who is this “Strawberry Shortcake” and what is the link with Zarqawi, who has been purported to describe the heaven for martyrs as “scented with exotic fruits.”
teh, you mean those machined aluminum tubes containing a potentially deadly concentrations of ethanol and carbonic acid?
I’m saddened to learn that I’ve inspired a contest for which I lack the firepower to compete adequately. I just can’t bring the funny at this level.
Also, the purported anti-halal demonstration device was attached to a metal tank filled with known explosive and accelerant.
the anti-halal torture device – known worldwide for its trail of scarred fingertips, knuckles, and forearms.
Homeland Security today confiscated what they believe to be an explosive device disguised as a harmless board game. According to officials, the device uses plastic explosive balls shaped to look like marbles, while the board contains four detonating devices in the form of cute hippos, to avoid detection. Playing the “game” involves using the hippos to consume the balls on the board. Once all of the hippos have “gobbled up” the plastique, the device is fully armed.
UPDATE-
Officials believe that the marbles are simple glass marbles, but upon detonation and fragmentation, these marbles will act as anti-personnel shrapnel. Thankfully, the device had yet to be loaded with explosives.
Additionally, analysts are currently examining a light, portable set of plastic molds, apparently designed to make various shapes out of plastic explosives when they are squeezed through. The device was labeled “playdoh barbershop” and sickly uses the heads of figurines for the shaping. The weaponized C4 “noodles” are said to be especially deadly.
Finally, in a bone-chilling turn of events, it appears that the IRA and al Qaeda have codeveloped a cardboard box shaped smuggling device for various possible explosives, shaped symbolically into colorful stars and crescent moons. The boxes are also packed with grain-derived shrapnel.
Swedish officials denied any connection to reports of overseas sales of lightweight plastic shards, reportedly capable of joining together to form very complicated devices whose function is unclear.
The shards are reported to instantly disable even the most modern HEPA vacuum, and are especially dangerous due to their ability to embed themselves deeply into carpeting.
Nice, Pinko.
The FBI announced that it had disrupted a major messaging system for al Qaeda, one designed to avoid any electronic surveillence. According to a senior FBI official, the system used a series of small wooden blocks, each containing a letter and small number. “When placed together, they form some kind of coded message. We haven’t cracked it yet, but we’re getting close.”
Today, George W. Bush was incapacitated for several hours when a device, operated by an presumed terrorist, startled him as he was ascending the staircase at the White House.
The device, which seemed to be an innocucuous coil of aluminum at first, descended the steps toward the President in an aggressive motion and making an alarming chring! Chring! noise. The President’s dog, Barney, barked at the device and wet the carpet in a display of protection, then ran out an unprotected door, being promptly shot as an interloper by the crack White House defensive team.
The Secret Service agents present were unable to prevent The Commander in Chief from recoiling and falling down several steps. Their incapacitation due to laughter was apparently part of the plot. No arrests have been made, although Coily, the Spring Sprite, is now on the No-Fly List.
The devices were discovered before ever being deployed in the field, and although they lacked explicit instructions, authorities believe that turning the crank, while posing a danger to the knuckles of the terrorist, increased the unit’s explosive power and range. The operator was tasked with turning the crank at an ever increasing speed. Eventually, when the “homicide cranker” achieved a sufficient explosive capacity, he was supposed to flip a switch, disengaging the delivery unit from its base, allowing it travel toward its eventual target. Intelligence sources believe that suspects were close to perfecting the device, but had yet to develop a method which would keep the delivery device from falling onto its side after traveling just a few feet. Dubbed “Project Evel” by it’s developers, authorities believe these “stunt cycles” could have wreaked havoc on suburban streets and cement driveways across the nation.
Seitz, wasn’t that device also used to spread salmonella once?
No, really, I’m just hauling fertilizer… For the daycare at the Murrah building… It’s what my white brethren call a “kinder garten.”
BREAKING NEWS — Two young men of brownish appearance were spotted earlier today on a city transit bus frantically passing back and forth a suspicious device seemingly composed of 27 cubes of varying colors.
The two suspects appeared nervous about aligning the cubes in a predetermined pattern, presumably in order to complete a circuit that would detonate an explosive device at an undetermined remote site.
The suspects were detained after a vigilant commuter overheard one of them refer to the elusive terrorist Rubiq al-Qub.
A terrorist planning map was discovered today showing an extensive set of targets color coded by street. These targets apparently included railroad depots, electric and water stations, a jail, a police substation, a parking structure, hotels, and even residential homes.
It appears that some bombs were to be disguised or hidden in common objects such as a shoe and a hat. Other plans to plant bombs in a cannon and a vintage automobile may be clues as to possible locations for attacks. Tragically, it appears that some of the bombs may be intended to be carried by animals, including a horse and a small terrier.
A cache of unfamiliar paper tickets, shaped and numbered like some kind of money was found with the plans and may indicate that terror networks are developing their own currency system.Payments to the bombers appear to be quite complex, though it is clear that some kind of payment is triggered by an operation reaching the “Go” stage.
Investigators also found small cards which may help them trace how the attacks were to be funded: there are references to bank “errors” and corporate board elections. The cards which caused the most concern, however, are the ones labelled “Get out of jail free”, as these may be indications that our criminal justice system has been infiltrated or compromised in some way.
Police are currently looking for a recent beauty pageant runner-up for questioning.
OH MY GOD. PLOVER SMASH CONTEST
Plover’s right. This one hits close to home as I live on Baltic Avenue. It’s only a matter of time folks.
Anthrax scare in LA! Hotel heiress Paris Hilton, long considered to be a prime terrorist target for her prominence and family connections, recently received a seemingly energetic letter containing large amounts of an unknown white substance. Homeland Security has confiscated the possibly deadly correspondence, along with a tiny spoon-like object related to the case for further study. Authorities were first alerted to the threat when one person known to have handled the envelope previously — one Tara Reid — was found passed out in a nearby culvert.
Repeat after me:
Dry. Run.
The figurines are testing us. Everyone, everywhere. Keep your ears and eyes open.
ATLANTA: Three Cartoon Network employees were seized yesterday in a raid on that network’s corporate headquarters in Atlanta. The Homeland Security Administration reports that it arrested three males of unknown nationality yesterday afternoon.
No charges have been filed, but security officials did say the trio regularly exhibited bizarre behavior and used suspicious code names; “Squarepants” “Star” and “Tentacles.” The officials say more information will be released when the suspects reach Guantanamo, Cuba.
Seitz, wasn’t that device also used to spread salmonella once?
not that I know of. I admit, I may be a little older than the rest of this crowd, and the Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle was even a little before my time. Barely.