A la “Ann Althouse is so non-partisan” thread (fun-ny) at Parrotline.
I’ll start off:
Cheney is so evil that he views force feeding hunger strikers at Gitmo as an opportunity for human foie gras, or if they’re young enough, veal.
Words of Wisdom
I think that I was 10 or 12 before I realized that pickles=cucumbers. You're kidding me. Keeping track of your damned tricky language is bloody cucumbersome, I always thought they were some weird American vegetable they wouldn't let us have over here, like eggplants.
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May 15, 2009
May 15, 2009
Dick Cheney is so evil he charges his pacemaker on the bursts of kinetic energy he captures during the death throes of strangled girl scouts.
He’s so evil even colostomy bags shit themseves at the mere thought of him. He makes circus clowns and department store Santas cry in terror. Every day his horoscope says the same thing: “destroy all everything.”
he’s so evil anton la vey’s getting WAY jealous.
Cheney is so evil that Karl Rove’s sole “Most Evil” award from 2003 was because of a techinicality.
Cheney is so evil, the evil meter reads zero because it isn’t calibrated to measure such a singularity of evil.
alternatively,
Cheney is so evil, not even evil particles can escape his evil field.
Dick Cheney is so evil, I have seen photographic evidence of his face appearing in the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima.
He’s so evil, he’s eviller than “Evil” Evel McEvil of the planet Evillus Prime, winner of last year’s Most Eviliciouly Evil Evildoer Award.
He’s so evil, his lopsided grin is not the result of his multiple strokes, but rather the fact that he is chewing up angels’ wings on the other side of his mouth.
He’s so evil, he doesn’t bother with deer or ducks … he’s waiting for YOU hunting season.
He’s so evil, next to the word “banality” in the dictionary there’s a picture of him.
He’s so evil, every time he has a heart attack, a devil gets its pitchfork.
He’s so evil, even Ann Althouse admits it.
Cheney is so evil he doesn’t have a heart, just a muscle to pump pure liquid evil through his veins. He travelled through time to be Caligula, Atilla, Hitler, and Pol Pot’s role model, but they all failed him. He eats kittens because there aren’t enough endangered animals to fill his insatiable maw. In the original Hebrew, the Bible actually says “Dick Cheney is the root of all evil”.
Dick Cheney is so evil, the devil begs him to let it suck him off, but he still says no.
Dick Cheney is evil, Se7en and The Silence of the Lambs were documentaries of his early work.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he went back in time to hunt the homo habilis into extinction.
Dick Cheney is so evil, the black goop monster that killed Tasha Yar was his snot that escaped from his hanky and moved to Hollywood to start acting. There was no stunt double.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he ignored the warnings about the 9/11 attacks and…oh wait, yeah, he actually did that.
Ahem, Dick Cheney is so evil, he drew the cartoons and then spammed everyone on the forum alt.islam.orthodoxy.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he narrated every Faces of Death video.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he’s currently in pre-production on a snuff film starring Earth.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he influences German tax law to let Uwe Boll make more movies.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he demands more roles for Julia Roberts.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he counseled Tom Cruise on the virtues of being crazy and famous.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he is the only vote at the Oscars.
Dick Cheneyis so evil, he is currently planning to have Hollywood performa a preemptive attack on Sundance. oh wait…
Cheney is so evil he gives poisoned candy to babies, but when they look happy to have it he can’t resist stealing it right back. He’s so evil he gives Cthulhu evil lessons. He’s so evil Satan sacrifices virgins to him.
He’s also so evil he shot a man and didn’t take him to the hospital for hours. The man was found to be properly field-dressed, though. Cheney is so evil he can reduce the fuel efficiency of hybrids with a single glance. He’s so evil he changed the budget appropriations for Medicare so that coverage for wound care was restricted to salt and lemon juice. The salt is mined by an army of enslaved sentient slugs.
Oh, the slugs….they’re killing me!!!!!!!!
That movie is going to be awesome.
Dick Cheney is so evil, when he was born the doctor slapped Jesus.
Dick Cheney is so evil, all the horrible acts described in the movie “The Aristocrats” were at one point performed by him.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he introduced Robin Williams to Chris Columbus … then suggested a three-film partnership.
Dick Cheney is so evil, one time he farted in Lucianne Goldberg’s direction and nine months later the Doughy Pantload was born.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he shits landmines and cums napalm.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he is the only person the Scientologists ever let into their inner circle who wasn’t a chiropractor.
Dick Cheney is so evil, that the first rule new agents in the FBI’s Serial Killer Unit learn is to ignore the fact that all evidence in every case always points directly to Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney is so evil, the original screenplay of Time Bandits had the boy scream at the end, ‘Don’t touch it … it’s Dick Cheney!’
Dick Cheney is so evil, he once fucked a box of crackers and nine months later FreeRepublic.com was born.
Dick Cheney is so evil the “bird shot” in his ammo cabinet is labeled “face shot”
Dick Cheney is so evil that John and Michael Bolton sprang to life out of his forehead.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he had the shotgun pellets from his friend’s ass medivacced to the nearest gun shop, and left his friend to bleed in the field.
Dick Cheney is so evil he was single-handedly responsible for making ice-dancing an Olympic sport. He froze the O-rings on the Space Shuttle. Nurse Ratched was patterned after him, but they had to dial it back, otherwise it was just too evil. Hurricane Katina was made exclusively of air he exhaled. His perspiration was refined to create Agent Orange. In order to secure Cheney’s permission, the scientists had to acquiesce to his demand that it be tested on only the cutest puppies that could be found.
Dick Chenry is so evil that he keeps the popcorn bucket on in the men’s room when taking a girl to the movies.
Noto- god damn that’s a winner.
Dick Cheney is so evil that he tried to add “placenta pudding” to the school lunch menu.
….while simultaneously criminalizing the conception and termination of said placentas.
Dick Cheney is so evil, Dubya never takes him out bush-clearing, because Cheney chainsaw = “Oh, Jesus … is that part of somebody’s leg over there?!?”
Dick Cheney is so evil, if he were an HP PSC 1510 series printer, he’d be the evillest one.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he doesn’t shake hands … he corrupts souls.
Dick Cheney is so evil, when he dies, Hell is going to him.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he authorized Scooter Libby to leak Jesus’ identity to the Romans.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he was disappointed when he found out that “Vice President” didn’t mean he was in charge of putting the President’s head in a vise.
Dick Cheney is so evil, when you play one of his heart attacks backwards, it says: “I am Satan’s Servant …”
Dick Cheney is so evil, in Dungeons & Dragons the most evil alignment possible is Dick Cheney.
Damn plus sign didn’t work! Should be:\
Dick Cheney is so evil, Dubya never takes him out bush-clearing, because Cheney chainsaw = “Oh, Jesus … is that part of somebody’s leg over there?!?”
Only cobag sites don’t let you put in plus signs.
Dick Cheney is so evil, Dubya never takes him out bush-clearing, because Cheney PLUS chainsaw = “Oh, Jesus … is that part of somebody’s leg over there?!?”
Fucking cobags. That one was kinda good too.
You know, when you do ten at once, it’s hard to savor the goodness. PLUS WordPRess is so effing weird. It’s an open tag machine.
Also, posting three times in a row to correct a typo nobody gives half a fuck about is Vintage Cobag Blogging circa 2002 …
Actually, I think you could give yourself a ‘Baggie for that one for sure. A little too much “joining the conversation” as it were. I love the threads where I just am commenting to myself and with all my sock puppets around me.
Tomorrow I blog. Today I enjoy what is good in life – To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of Ann Althouse!
Now then, we need more one-liner contests. A few off the top of my head:
Glenn Reynolds is such a nanotechnology enthusiast …
Pastor Swank is so syntax-challenged …
TigerHawk is so compensating for a small dick …
etc. etc.
And then it will all become boring again.
Let’s save those, I’d love to pile on TH, but we’d might have to give ourselves a baggy for picking at The Eds leftovers. Three Bulls! leads/follows Parrotline, but no other. We are also trying to cultivate an icy facade over our man crush on tEds on top of our deep inner aloofness, which is but another Magic Shell™ coating around creamy ice cream.
Marie Jon’ is such an incoherent bitch, she
Marie Jon’ is such an incoherent bitch, she’s saving a sensible spelling of her name for her wedding night.
Dick Cheney is so eveil, he can’t see the hunters for the quail.
Kids, keep it clean, there are lots of other things that MJ is other than a B, like adorable.
Okay, posted this at Blue Girl’s, but I liked it so much I’ll put it here too:
Dick Cheney is so evil that in a super top-secret operation, he had his demon doctors transplant the heart from a wounded soldier in Iraq into his chest cavity, to replace the failing babboon heart that’s been there for about a decade. And then he feasted on the dying soldier’s eyeballs.*
* Okay, I just tacked that last sentence on there right now…
Dick Cheney is so fat he jumped up in the air and got stuck. He’s so fat his high school yearbook picture was an aerial shot.
What, this isn’t fat jokes? Fine.
Yo mama, er Dick Cheney is so evil, Lon Chaney got scared when the veep saw his movie. He’s so evil, the house in Amityville says “Please stay!” He’s so evil, when he sits around the house, he sits around a wailing mass of tortured sould who are suffering eternal torment.
He also invented the war on Christmas. His favorite thanksgiving day meal is a babpupten, which is a baby, stuffed inside a puppy stuffed inside a kitten.
Dick Cheney is so evil, H.P. Lovecraft can find no overheated, multisyllabic adjectivies to describe his evilness.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he has a spitoon made out of Ed Gein’s head.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he visits the eight circle of Hell for ski vacations.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he has demanded all your sources.
Hooray for the Babpupten! But shouldn’t the kitten go inside the puppy and the puppy inside the baby?
And Dick Cheney is so evil, I heard he once shot a man in Reno just to watch Scott McClellan spin.
FUNNY TEH BABPUPTEN.
Dick Cheney is so evil, he’s still pissed off about that golden fiddle he had to give Johnny.
Before Cheney worked there and changed their business philosophy, Halliburton was a division of Unicef, working to increase world literacy. Cheney is so evil the things mentioned here are the nicest things we could say. Many of them are straight off of his resume.
He’s so evil, Jesus would have slapped him back.
He’s so evil, he tears the wings off of flies and then force-feeds them to other flies.
He so evil, the Pope says he would have performed the abortion on Cheney’s mother himself if he had known how Cheney was going to turn out.
Umm Babpupten….
Actually Cheney is so evil, he orders 1000 Babpuptens to be taken to every homeless shelter across america, locks the inhabitants in rooms with no food until they are so hungry they will eat anything, then he serves them 1 bite of Babpupten, then tells them what it is, then has it incinerated in front of their eyes, then condemns them for eating it, then eats one himself.
Cheney is so evil, when not stripping wilderness scrub with chains from the back of his Hummer, he leaves it idling in the driveway.
He so evil that Dracula bit him, puked, and then bit a cobag to cleanse his palate.
Dick Cheney is so evil he moved his perfectly good blog to WordPress.
test, test…is this thing on?
Dick Cheney is so evil that he bought a Honda Insight, and then took it to a self-service gas station and duct-taped the filler nozzle so it filled the tank and then spilled 400 gallons of gas on the ground.
Hello? FLAVIN!! test…test….
Try the veal…
Cheney is so evil, as an embryo he stovepiped his mother’s placenta into redirecting nutrients from his conscience to his megalomania gland. Later, he would go on to do many evil things, but of all his evil creations, this was his worst … but even that is not as bad as it gets.
Dick Cheney is so evil he sets his daughter up on blind dates with Vox Day. Then having been burned once by dear old dad, she is burned again when he sets her up with Theo Beale. Finally she is burned a third time when he puts out a cigar on her eyeball.
Dick Cheney is so evil he sponsors a little league team just so he can get them addicted to chewing tobacco.
oh DA that got hung up in moderation, I’ clicking nowie.
So I saw CT at the baggage claim at the Vegas airport. The guy was rock solid- basically he looked as pumped as he is in that picture. It was a little scary. He could have squished my head like a grape. I threw him Teh L4m3’s motionless corpse to feed on and got out of there.
Carrot Top wasn’t always all pumped up, though, was he? Gaahhh … Carrot Top … worst. thing. evar. as Teh Editors might say …
Dick Cheney is so evil, he-wait, that wasn’t photoshopped?
LOL at the Vox Day one, Pinko. And you were wise not to fuck with The ‘Top. He’s like Joe Piscapo with a trunk full of potential weapons.
And Dick Cheney is so evil that Sauron can’t look him in the eye.
No, not photoshopped … anabolicshopped? probably. anyway there used to be an even worse Carrot Top pic floating around the internets that featured him sitting on the floor in shorts in some sort of rec room with his legs spread apart and his nutsack visible, ginger pubes n’ all … I am somewhat of an afficianado of Carrot Top grotesquery, but I couldn’t find it. Fortunately for you cobags, as seeing it would have blasted your very souls.
CT is that big in person, it doesn’t look like roids to me, I’d expect him to be bigger- I think it is au naturel
He’d have to be, just to avoid getting beaten by Dick Cheney everytime he left his house.
Dick Cheney is so evil. Once, when I was in high school in Florida, a baby possum fell out of a tree in the school yard. Well, I was trying to help the little critter…it was shivering and blind and afraid. But we had Dick Cheney as the speaker at the pep rally that day, and he marched over and promptly put his boot over the lil’ possum and ground it into the sand.
Hooray for the Babpupten! But shouldn’t the kitten go inside the puppy and the puppy inside the baby?
Notochord, you are exactly right.
No, he is totally wrong, for this is the Babpupten of which Dick Cheney shall feast. Thus the larger animals are forced inside the smaller. The animals are all living at the time, so that they may roast in their own juices.
Oh yeah, that’s way more evil.
Actually,
I just had one that is too foul to type here. Trust me, it was some evil sh*t.