There have been exclusionary forces at work, perhaps leading to crappy posts, we care not, we ask no questions, we assign no blame. These forces unquestioned by us have perhaps reduced the dialog here at Three Bulls to unsubstantive and flippant remarks concerning items of “enormous size” known as “wangs” and various other sundries. Today I would like to tell you about my dream. It is a vast and important dream and it concerns all our futures together on the oil platform. On this oil platform, in addition to the world’s supply of Take 5 bars, there will be an unimaginable additonal thing. This thing will be filled with various delights that are as important to 3B as life itself. Yes, I am talking about a refrigerator so filled with condiments that hangers on will be forced to apply for condiment cards so that when they check out various mustards, their name will be on file and they’ll have to use one of those slidey ladders to obtain their mustard that they identified in the fricking card catalog!
What I need is your help in deciding what to get for the condiment library. Remember, our library takes all kinds, so even though some consider mayonnaise a satanic object, not amount of picketing outside will keep us from stocking this item.
Please include name of item, manufacturer, why it is good and what it tastes like.
On my list so far:
1. Sriracha. Rooster brand, natch! Spicy chili sauce with a little garlic and sugar, piquant central.
2. Sambal Oelek, also Rooster brand, nice chili paste.
3. Mustards
A. Spicy honey mustard, Honeycup or Ingelhoffer.
B. Grey Poupon.
C. Coarse/stone ground dijon.
D. Gulden’s Spicy Brown.
E. Plochman’s Yellow.
F. Mama Raps Garlic Mustard. You need this one for your real fridge. Trust me.4. Mayonnaise
5. Ketchup
7. Roasted chilli paste/Nahm Prik Pow
From Kasma’s favorite brands (a how to for Thai cooking) ” Often labeled as “chilli paste in soya bean oil.”
Preferred brand is Pantainorasingh in 8 oz. and 16 oz. jars. Mae Ploy brand is also good.”8. Soy sauces
A. Kikkoman regular and light for Japanese style.
B. Chinese Light and Dark.
C. Kecap Manis9. Oyster Sauce.
10. Thai Sweet Chilli Sauce.
11. Hoisin sauce.
12. Fish sauce (both “pricy” and dark kinds).
13. BBQ sauces- here’s where I need help.
A. Montgomery Inn “Ribs King” Sauce
B. Maull’s (which kinds?)14. Franks Hot Sauce (it will go in the non-fridge portion of the area)
15. Tobasco
A. Regular
B. Jalapeno
C. Chipotle16. Horseradish, both creamy and regular.
Come on people, what else goes in there, we need help on the local favorites. There is no such thing as redundancy with condiments, so if we need different brands, say so. Once we are on that oil platform, that’s it. We need that thing stocked!
of course my list is slightly india-centric, but here goes
Swad Ginger-Garlic paste
any of these indian pickles
some sort of chunky Chili-Garlic Sauce from China
Thai Peanut sauce
Oh, PP, your mustard choices are perilously close to your inexplicable affection for “The The.” I say that, of course, in a compassionate, tough-love kind of way.
Grey Poupon??????? GP is but an American bastardization of a French original that is misleadingly tarted up in a get up that makes people think that it has something to do with France when neither the recipe nor the single ingredient in the meretricious mixture has been closer to France than Chris Buttars.
So, for the love of God, remove it from your list right away before someone gets hurt. Replace it with Amora mustard– the real stuff from France. You can buy a huge jar of it at the Monoprix for several euros. It’s the cheapest mustard for sale and France and hands-down the best.
Maille – more available here in the U.S. than Amora — is made by the same company. Their “Extra Hot Original Dijon” is a close substitute although inexplicably the “Extra Hot” has less “hottiness” than the Amora original and isn’t really “Extra Hot.” Still, in a pinch, it’s the only acceptable substitute for Amora that I can find.
<walks away, shaking head and muttering “Grey Poupon, how tragic”>
17. Wasabi
18. Pickled ginger
19. Sauerkraut
20. Soy vinegar
20a. Hot chili sauce
21. Pico de gallo (must have lotsa cilantro)
Okay here we go:
Capers. No one actually knows what these actually are, they just magically appear in jars on the shelf, but they are delicious on almost anything (not ice cream, I think).
Roland’s Black Olive Paste. No tuna sandwich is complete without it.
Old Bay Seasoning. The greatest creation from the state of Maryland (sorry Natty Boh’). Same as above, only replace “tuna sandwich” with “steamed shrimp” or “oyster shooter”.
Soy sauce, and that magical derivative used for dumplings.
Since I have misplaced the keys to the insta-euro-teleporter, I will second the Maille mustard and pine away on my desire to try the Amora.
Double the wasabi. In fact double teh l4m3′s whole list.
Habanero Tobasco – damn hot
Garlic Tobasco – hot and flavorful
Cholula Mexican hot sauce – my favorite pre-made hot sauce that comes with a wooden bottle cap
Yucatan Sunshine – Habanero sauce with less bite than the Tabasco.
Inglehoffer Lemon Dill Mustard – just what it sounds like; good for fish and stuff
Good stuff from the comments. I think this fridge is almost getting acceptable. Just to clarify, I am not only going to need regular white horseradish, but will also require a kosher beet horseradish for my prime rib and gefilte fish that I plan to catch from the sea. I’m also going to need some kind of anchovy paste, preferably one that has been exposed to olive oil and garlic. Lastly, for my chicken (of the sea), I’ll need a high quality buffalo chicken sauce, Wing It brand should work fine. For the Thai peanut sauce that AIF suggested, I could purchase a copious quantity from Rod Dee that would make everyone happy.
Having gotten that off my chest about the “Pardon me do you have any Grey Poupon” business, here are my suggestions for the essential condiments:
Chili Today Hot Tamale Smoked Habanero — smoke, heat, peppers and papayas a thought-provoking and tasty (!!!) combination.
Yucateca Salsa Verde and Salsa Chipotle — since they are too hot to drink from the bottle, I have to put them on things, but the idea of downing them straight remains tempting nonetheless.
When I was but a wee lad or as the old country says, kleine kinder, my family and I made a great pilgrimage in our familial land travelling device known as the Greyye Ghost (an extended cab Peugeot wagon) to the land of Bier and Moutard. I purchased a crock of the spiciest mustard I could afford with my meager savings and I judiciously applied said moutard de pommery to every non-pbj sandwhich I did consume for the next two years. O sweet halcyon days of my yore-gone youth!
Sriracha is a personal favorite of mine and I doth proclaim to have heard the hottest pickup line in my months as a bartender:
I ask:
Would you like any condiments for your pizza and wine meal? We might have some hot sauce, if you like?
Cute blonde law student says:
I have come to love hot sauce on pizza. I didn’t before but I do now.
I say:
Have you ever tried Sriracha? The rooster sauce?
Cute blonde law student leans in close and says in a suddenly husky voice with a sly smile:
My friends and I call it the cock sauce.
I excused myself and hyperventilated in the dishroom.
As for the true topic, if you are going to get mayonnaise get quality at least.
Tikka Paste
I will have to go home to get the name, but I found a ginger coconut paste the other day and will be slapping that on a sandwhich as soon as I can afford proper meat, cheese and vegetables.
Crunchy, pale pickles.
Crunchy, pale pickles in those diagonally cut slices.
Butter pickles.
Butter pickle slices.
English cucumbers.
English cucumber slices (diagonal cut).
Meat, cheese and certain other items (bread) are necessities of the sandwhich world and thus are not condiments, but a pickle is an addition that is not necessary to make a sandwhich and is thus a condiment. Like Pluto is a double planet.
And Old Bay kicks ass like Michael Bays sucks it.
I heard French Dijon mustards were rip-offs. Whatev. Just kidding!
we need some Korean spicy chilli paste, and some kim-chee I guess. And what about BBQ sauce? Where the hell are the BBQ fanatics???
And what about BBQ sauce? Where the hell are the BBQ fanatics???
If you aren’t making it from great-great-great-great-grampa’s secret recipe, you aren’t serious about your BBQ. (I am decidedly unserious).
Cheez Whiz.
Bufalo chipotle sauce
Tapatio picante sauce
Woeber’s Jalapeno mustard
Woeber’s horseradish mustard
Um, I make my own barbecue sauce, but were I too buy barbecue sauce, I’ve tasted “Bone Suckin Sauce” on BBQ that some dilettante was preparing and I must say it was pretty good. Get the Hot and Thick version, but you probably would have done that anyway.
http://www.bonesuckin.com/bonesuckinsauce.html
I also make my own BBQ sauce, however, there are local varieties of sauce that are tasty, and was hoping to identify them for our inclusive condiment fridge.
Bone Sucking Sauce is pretty good, just don’t buy it at the Raleigh-Durham airport.
Oh for the vinegars:
malt, white, cider, black, red wine, balsamic
and the relishes:
chicago style super green (Vienna or other), normal
and giardiniera for I-beefs, banana peppers, and short “sport” peppers for the Chicago dogs.
and celery salt and cajun seasoning to go with the old bay. And Montreal Steak, natch.
Don’t forget the seasoned rice wine vinegar. It’s handy for whipping up a quick vinegarette. And while I’m on that topic – what about salad dressings/toppings?
Oh yeah, I knew we were missing a rice vinegar- especially for sushi rice- throw in some unseasoned as well-
also:
Tonkatsu sauce
BBQ Eel sauce
Kewpie Mayo for Bahn Mi (vietnamese sandwiches)
Soy Vey! Teriyaki
Oh, jerk marinade (the real stuff).
yeah, list the salad dressings, etc. we needs some of those
I’m glad UC is on the buffalo chicken vibe.
I gotta add a pyrex full of day-old leftover hollandaise sauce. yummmmmy.
I’ll be needing some homemade caesar salad dressing. Unfortunately, there is nobody in the world that can manufacture dressing as good as my own. Is the secret the tabasco sauce, the mustard powder, the worcestershire sauce, or something else??? I’ll never tell!
the secret is so much garlic that it is just this side of too much.
too much garlic is asymptotic
A fantastic selection, but you forgot two essentials. First, an actual can of chipotle chiles in adobo sauce. After that adobo sits in there with those chiles for a while, it becomes transformative.
Also, XO Sauce, which is sometimes mentioned on Iron Chef. You can find a similar product in most grocery stores in the “Asian foods” section, where it is called “General Tsao’s” something or other. I accidentally bought some, thinking it was hot oil. And it is, sort of…hot oil with lots of tasty goodness thrown it. Those aren’t just crushed chilis slumming around in the bottom of the jar….there’s also dried shrimp and fermented black bean and all kinds of other flavorful things. A spoonful of this crap makes pretty much anything a whole lot better.
Ooh- XO- maybe also called like dragon oil or something? yum- that is for the pantry.
chipotles in adobe, damn, yum.
also a mole paste, and some tandoori paste.
also butter.
the secret is so much garlic that it is just this side of too much.
I have no idea what this sentence means. Is that something like too happy or too rich?
And Thai curry pastes, which are really more like ingredients than condiments, but that won’t stop me from eating them out of the jar while I stand at the fridge.
YES- Res- you need to get some of that roasted chilli nam prik pow I poste dup there- that’s an outta the jar eater
ok, red, yellow, green, panang and massaman. got it.
also, what is this maggi business and do we need some?
Raspberry Melba sauce, for making chocolate cake into pure gold.
I’ve never tasted it. It strikes me as somehow related to Vegemite, which bears the mark of the black hand of Sauron.
you have tasted it- its in all those Thai dishes on the specials board usually, the ones that aren’t curries but usually are some fish in a sweet, spicy sauce. god damn, you are buying it! andale!
Oh lord. But it looks so strange. And it’s SWISS, fergodsake! I’m missing something…what’s the Asian connection?
haha wikipedia on XO sauce
sounds super yummy.
Res, nam prik pow is roasted chilli peppers, soybean oil, shallots, palm sugar and dried shrimp.
How you like me now!
yeah, i saw that…it sounds similar. And delicious.
click that linky but scroll down to the description.
it is your new sauce lover.
you can fry up some to melt the sugar part, then add some other sauces/liquid and you get a nice caramelized chilli/yummy sauce that can glaze up whatever. like some yummy salmon with fried thai basil on top.
Or PORK!!1!
I love when Res comes by to indulge us in food blogging. I’m so fukcing hungry just reading all that. Must. Eat. Copious. Foods.
XO Sauce —-> Must buy, NOW.
Sesame oil.
Korean BBQ sauce (because on grilled planks of sweet potato there is nothing better).
I also have about 12 more vinegars than I probably need (although the white wine tarragon, orange mucsat, and pomegranate vinegars each work nicely in vinagrettes when one is dressing roasted beets to eat with goat cheese and arugula — and, when one has three different colors or roasted beets to dress, having a different vinagrette on each is a nice Iron Chef kind of touch).
If dry stuff counts (since others have voted for Old Bay), throw in Tony Chachere’s cajun seasoning.
wait, we’re doing dry stuff here?
oh man. *cracks knuckles*
Garam Masala – needed to spice up anything (north)indian style. combine with ginger garlic paste and you’ll never ever make indian food wrong. unless you add too little
Cha(a)t Masala – tangy! tangy! good on mashed potatoes. trust me. also good on anything you want slightly tangy
Samb(h)ar Masala – for seasoning fried vegetables.
and add anymore from here
Good call on the flavored vinegars. If you need ‘em, you need ‘em. I would hate dinner at Dr. Free Rides- it would feel so aggressive (because it would raise the bar for the reciprocal dinner at Casa de Trois Bulls- “oh shit, I guess we WON’T have street style tacos, break out the dutch oven, GC, we gotta braise some serious shit now.” Although Res Publica is the most aggressive with his sewing of quail.
To add to the mustards, I have had a nice Curry mustard and a Bourbon Shallot. Both some Napa company, but, really, can mustards be overdone? Answer: no.
On the XO sauce- it looks amazing, apparently some people use it in fried rice- when I make fried rice, I make a Thai/Vietnamese style that has some fish sauce and a little sugar.
Also, that cajun dust is amazing.
also, of course the different Masalas, five spice powder, etc. I think our spice shelf should really be another post. but before that rule goes into effect I will add Herbs de Provence. Spices are now closed.
Allspice.
I broke my own rule.
Whoa. Hold the phone.
Cocktail sauce and tartar sauce! Of course we’d normally make our own t-sauce, but we can have a spot for pre-fab too.
It appears that most of the obvious lacunae in the original post have been covered (though anyone who can remember mayonnaise but forget balsamic vinegar should mebbe consider cutting back a bit on huffing solvents at the lab, just sayin’).
Did anyone mention tahini? We need tahini. And does lemon juice count as a condiment? Or does it at least count if you’re going to mix it with the tahini?
Also, something with serious tamarind.
And better Japanese soy: San-J Tamari.
Are we going to be farming our own seaweed and crustaceans? Or do we need to lay in a supply of nori and little dried shrimp and suchlike?
If you are going to mix lemon juice with tahini then you might as well mix in some goddam garbanzoes, cumin and call it hummus.
Keeerist.
In Hungary, they have this red sauce that comes in a tube like Kremser Sempf. It is made with paprika, salt, paprika and some kind of paprika laden gel medium. It is pretty spicy (them wacky Magyars!) and pretty damn good. I think it is called paprika gel.
Don’t use it in place of any form of gel based lubricant. MUY PICANTE!
Kremser Sempf!
KREMSER SEMPF!
TUBE MUSTARD!
“Tonkatsu sauce…”
AH! How could I have forgotten, PP?
Also, if you scroll through this thread really fast, you’ll see stuff like “cock sauce” and “bonesucking”.
And then you’ll feel naughty.
Gates’ Barbecue in Kansas City makes a couple of good sauces for packaging, I think.
I cook with bourbon a lot — but if you call that a condiment, it might run out faster than the capers.
Salt.
If I may quote myself:
Oh for the vinegars:
malt, white, cider, black, red wine, balsamic
plover, how could you?
Yes, tamarind stuff is required.
Oh shit, for some things we’ll need mushroom soy sauce. bringing the soy sauces to 7! Can we go higher??? Is it madness?
I cook with bourbon a lot — but if you call that a condiment, it might run out faster than the capers.
SHERMAN TO THE QUOTE BOARD, STAT!
Oh please. If that’s “cooking”, then I “cook” with Vicoden a lot, too.
Chuckles:
Of course, hummous is the most important use of tahini and lemon, but lemon-tahini sauce is useful too. I don’t usually call hummous a condiment, though if it will lead to more being available, we can call it Mary-Sue for all I care.
Pinko:
Oh sure, after what? more than a dozen comments you sneaked furtively back into the thread to paper over your omission. However, I was referring to the original post, where mayonnaise was not only given a category to itself, it was specifically defended! Though I suppose remembering the good fish sauce ought to count for something.
I see you’ve closed the spice category but salt isn’t a spice in my book since Medieval Europeans didn’t have to trudge across or sail around two continents to get it. Therefore I’m going to need an endless supply of Fleur de Sel de Camarque for finishing roasted asparagus, mixed green salads and almost everything else I eat. Also, there’s this smoked sea salt I like quite a bit although I usually end up just eating in straight so it’s not necessarily a condiment for me.
One more thing – could we get some Heinz 57 for the occasional use on pork chops?
Oh my god, wow-
smoked sea salt. delish
add the H57, A1, Worcestshire sauce most certainly.
I do have a weak spot for Heinz 57.
Chuckles has attacked mayonnaise before, both in his genius sandwich post of legend and personally to me behind the scenes.
Perhaps what is unclear is that I support the categorization mayonnaise as Satanic?
(I hope I have not been so incomprehensible so as to appear motivated by malice rather than silliness.)
p, i would only think that upon perusal.
Plover and I worked out the exact classification of mayonnaise at the Big Beach Bruhaha a few weeks ago. Mayonnaise is the infernal concoction of an evil plan making planner’s evil plan to ruin sandwiches everywhere. The only way to neutralize the hellspawned power of mayonnaise is to put in a sandwhich made with peanut butter, mozarella and lettuce. Thus mayonnaise is rendered inert and the sandwich is quite tasty.
I use hummus as a condiment. Slather some on a meat, cheese and various vegetable sandwich and you have a hell of a sandwich. I prefer a kaleidoscope of flavors and colors in my sandwiches.
i feel hummis is more of a staple than a condiment. Along the lines of a nut butter or a jelly.
Lemon juice and ReaLemon™ are definitely condiments.
I am adding vegemite and marmite to the dry storage, on behalf of ex-roommates.
Okay, marmite is not a condiment. It is a tool for fixing cars. I wish I were making this up but my dad once used a jar of marmite that had been under the front seat of our 1976 volvo for an unknown period of time (probably left by the Great Ones’ servants) to fix a leaky radiator hose.
I wish I were kidding. He was trying to figure out how to do a quick patch to get us to church only somewhat late and I found this jar of gunk. He took a rag and swabbed the marmite right on the hose and it cooked into a glue and sealed the hose for long enough to get us to church and back and then to the auto parts store.
i absolutely believe you. Marmite it the JB Weld of the condiment set.
plover is 100% right 0% wrong.
San-J Premium Tamari Soy Sauce is heavenly. I cry when I can only find Kikkoman.
Yummy.
Eat it soy sauce cobags. If I wanted Tamari I would have said Tamari. I clearly implied shoyu.
Cook’s Illustrated liked Eden Organic the best (shoyu).
Wot, no chutney?! For shame!
Chutney is only really mandatory with lamb. It is almost more of an ingredient than a condiment even if =you do use a knife to spread it.
I was looking for a unique food recipe to try and never thought to find actually something awesome and tasty so fast. Cooked this yesterday and I must say it was quite good.
Anyways thanks for that.