A short initiation into the mystery cult of The CSS Code for TC.
SQUEEE-ID!!!
Go to the darkest, dampest, mistiest, remotest corner of spacetime (presuming your spacetime has corners), the kind of slimy, rocky, rather unpleasant sort of spot where music always has really overdone reverb, a place that might be compared unfavorably to the deepest interior of a stale, moldy, maggoty chundermuffin, or perhaps even some speedos recently worn by Karl Rove. Ok, you there? Now look up and sort of leftish and you’ll see (if you have reeeaally good eyesight) a rather sparkly, wettish sort of planet a few hundred light-fortnights away.
Hmm, perhaps you could have skipped going to that rather dismal spot and gone directly to the watery planet, since after standing around in the muck staring into space I suspect you’ve strained your neck. And you’ve probably also been eaten by a grue. Oh well, these things happen. I’ll just presume that a passing nanobot swarm performs the Heimlich manouvre on the grue, or that the grue is bulimic or something, so that I can keep pretending there’s someone paying attention.
So anyway, you’ve made it to the watery planet? What do you mean how are you going to cross several hundred light-fortnights of less-than-well-heated vacuum to get there? Do I have to do everything?
You there yet? Hmm, looks like you made it and are still in one piece. Though that’s apparently more than can be said for the local spacetime topology after your trip.
Anyway, now that you’re here, you’ll notice all the big, tentacly things sloshing about in the pleasant, sparkly water. Yes, that includes the ones wearing rakish fedoras and the ones in fluffy neck ruffs. And yes, I know they don’t have necks, but that’s what they call them.
It’s true, they are looking at you kind of funny, aren’t they? I wasn’t going mention it, but I suspect it’s because, to be frank, you currently look like partially digested grue bait.
So, currently these squid are all confused as their entire bestseller list has been taken over by several different books called The CSS Code. Many of them buy the wrong one, and so they waste a lot of time trying to find someone to trade with. The situation has also led to the invention of a new sport involving flamethrowers and publishing executives, but there are several different versions of the rules, and most of their high-level diplomats are involved in trying to negotiate a set of rules that everyone can agree on in order to forestall several civil wars.
No, I don’t know what the different CSS Codes are all about. I don’t read squid! But here’s an internet café — we can use Babelfish.
Hmm, this one says CSS stands for Chocolate Salmon Soufflé. It appears to be a book of advice for up-and-coming businessdecapods that relies on strained culinary metaphors. Apparently it’s better if your business resembles a chocolate salmon soufflé than some kind of cashewy nut log. It appears the book is also a marketing gimmick for the author’s PowerPoint plug-ins. I agree, the market penetration of PowerPoint in the galaxy is distressing. No one has ever figured out how to get rid of it though. Grues won’t even touch it.
I should add that you haven’t lived until you’ve seen squid harvesting cacao.
Here’s another one: Copyeditor Super Spidersquid. Ooh, it’s got pictures. Let’s see, a squid’s parents get killed when the sun explodes after being bitten by a radioactive space spider. The little squid grows up to be a vigilante for truth, justice, and sane publishing practices. There’s some controversy about this one as it appears that the marketing people for it may have engineered the whole CSS Code problem in the first place.
The top seller appears to be about the Concealed Sacred Squid. But while everyone may be reading this one, it doesn’t look like the critics think much of it:
You could get better prose from a lagoon full of ammonites with typewriters!
It’s a novel, but it also claims to reveal a secret conspiracy that has existed for centuries to uphold the “ten legs good, eight legs bad” doctrine that squid and cuttlefish historically used to justify discrimination against octopuses. This apparently involves proof that the Sacred Squid revered by so many decapods was, in fact, a Vampiroteuthis, or in other words, that the founder of their religious doctrine was not a true decapod but rather had both octopod and decapod characters. This has been especially bothersome to those who hold to the Clever Construction thory, which holds that life — especially decapods — is so obviously complicated and marvelous that it must have been specially designed by a Clever Constructor, as one corollary usually attached to this theory is that there’s no way that decapods could be descended from mere ordinary cephalopods. Hmm, here’s a quote from something called the “Eureka Institute”:
How could anything as manifestly perfect as the decapod eye have come about by a random, unguided process? All you have to do is compare it to those vertebrate eyes with their hinky, inverted wiring to see the special place accorded to decapods by the Sacred Universal Constructor!
One common question asked by Clever Constructionists seems to be:
If squid evolved from nautilus, why are there still nautilus?
According to the author’s website, the Vampiroteuthis theory was originally put forward by something called the “PhyConO Strategy Group”, which is apparently some sort of PR wing for the phylogenetically confused organisms movement.
It looks like our time is up for this internet terminal. You did bring something to pay the usage fee, right? Right? Well, I’m sure you’ll figure something out. Excuse me, while I slip out through this reef over here…
octopi
octopuses
octopussy? (GC censorship alert, i am referring to the james bond movie)
Attention all Cobags!
The 2006 Bake-Off Extravaganza has begun!
Come over to blue girl’s pad and read up.
Now!
If you really want to explore a phylogenetically confused organism, I suggest checking out Xenoturbella. I was at a very interesting talk yesterday about the ontogeny and gene expression patterns of Saccoglossus kowalevskii. It turns out that anatomy and even genomic sequencing can be very deceiving. For example, Saccoglossus was always thought to have both a dorsal and ventral nerve cord (and thus potentially a precursor state to the distainct dorsal nerve cord of the chordate), but expression analysis revealed that the nervous system is actually diffuse and not coalesced to any particular axis. Some of the studies even begged to question whether it’s a true hemichordate. Man, I could really mess with those PhyConO people.
I was at a very interesting talk yesterday about the ontogeny and gene expression patterns of Saccoglossus kowalevskii.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
The sound of res’ head hitting the keyboard: juicier than expected.
Is plover really Douglas Adams? Did PZM’s head just blow up like so many pop rocks and coke?
If squid evolved from nautilus, why are there still nautilus?
that is so genius! I mean, if man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?!
If a mutation proves competitively beneficial, why don’t all species that don’t have that mutation die out?
If the Toyota Prius gets better gas mileage, why do people by Jeep Grand Cherokees?
If my daughter came out of my body, why am I still around? (I actually don’t know the answer to that one)
If I baked this cake out of sugar and flour, why is there still sugar and flour in the pantry?
KATHLEEN IS BLOWING MY MIND
Phylogenetic systematics is of the devil.
If morphological analysis was good enough for Charles Darwin, it’s good enough for me.
Also, why don’t more biologists grow beards and roam their grounds with Meerschaums clenched ruminatively between their teeth?
Some days, you just have to reject change and progress and eat ice cream in your pajamas and fuzzy slippers, ya know?
It’s like a festive mashup of Douglas Adams, PZ myers, and three bottles of cold medicine!!
At least it’s not informative tho.
Creatures Sucking Salt (I’m watching an old Star Trek)
Hello again Mr. Canadian!
We hope that your commitment to keep your diet only to organisms of clear genetic ancestry has brought you satisfaction, and that such a bold statement favoring the cause of the phylogenetically confused has brought no troubles upon you.
We note that you continue to take an interest in the affairs of xenoturbella, and are delighted to see that you now count acorn worms among your phylogenetically confused friends.
Remember, we are always available for any consulting you may require regarding the pedigree of any organism you may wish to consume, or any other issue regarding the phylogenetically confused.
Sincerely,
Phylogenetically Confused Organism Strategy Group
“Confused and proud!”
I wonder if Doug Feith is involved with PCOSG?
Salt monster was a babe when she wasn’t sucking salt out of redshirts.
Um, that’s Doctor Canadian, pumpkin!
Some days, you just have to reject change and progress and eat ice cream in your pajamas and fuzzy slippers, ya know?
you mean everyday Jillian?
Is Feith phylogenetically confused? Or just confused?
Santorum on the other hand…
If squid evolved from nautilus, why are there still nautilus?
Because there needs to be something occupying the inner city YMCA weight room niche.
Um, that’s Doctor Canadian, pumpkin!
It is a well known fact that there are no doctors in Canadia, only Pinko (no offense Pinko) Commie communes of the Glorious Peoples RepublicKK of Really Cold Places. I heard it on Rush Limbaugh, or maybe WorldNewsNet.
It is interesting to see that through evolution the ID has become separated from the SQUEE. I would be very curious to see if they have also developed a SQUEE-EGO and maybe even a SQUEE-SUPEREGO. Although personally I would prefer a SQUEE-SUPEREGGO (LEGGO my SUPER-EGGO). Or perhaps a SQUEE-EMU.
CSS SUCKS
damned latin.
Fish, you better not be talking to AG like that. Do you want to be put on AG’s banned list. Just ask Lucky Wah, The Upper Crust or Bank of Satan, sorry, AmeriKKKa what it means to get banned with AG. AG can assure you that it’s no day at the beach.
Damn it! That was AG. This stupid Mac will change from UC to AG at RoD but not at this half ass blog. This blog is sooo half ass, it expects AG to tell you it’s AG!
Stupid effin’ blog. I hate it and Sean S. equally.
P.S. How come Shoe never comes to RoD. Annie, AG’s new BFF comes by and Annie is going to enter the bake-off. Annie is the bestest evah.
Does anyone ever watch Frisky Dingo on Adult Swim? They’ve made two cloaca references in as many weeks. Every time someone says “cloaca”, I think of 3B!
Annie, AG’s new BBF is going to win the bake-off. Anie has a plan. A plan that involves gingerbread AND shortbread.
Ugh. Please fix the typos as you read, I’m too excited about how I’m going to win the bake-off to think properly.
this damn bake-off has gone too far!
There will be fierce competition this year, Annie. We got some serious Midwest gals who know food and baking. Luckily, AG has a Midwest plan.
AG started buying the ingredients yesterday. Stuff was on sale and since this bake-off is going to cost so damn much and UC is going to basically complain without helping, AG has to start preparing and working-out early.
Back to the Betty Crocker Mobile…
All this fierce competition is making me very hungry! I busted my hump on last year’s bake-off, so I’m really looking forward to just laying back and basically having the mailman tip boxes of baked goods into my cookie-hole.
As long as AG or Annie wins, Annie is happy.
Wow.
BG’s bake-off thread has now infiltrated, one, two, three… is that FIVE blogs? Or six? ( I only made it through second semester calc and am totally confused by CSS style mathemunching, involving up to eight tentacles).
I think it’s actually an alien form of bloggo-viral infection.
But am TOTALLY surprised that 3B got infected. Must have been weakened by the mecha-emu.
I foresee a time in the near future when all blogs are either competing in, or discussing, one of Blue Girl’s baking contests, or the cheating therin.
I, for one, will NOT be welcoming our mecha-baking overlords. Unless they are sharing their sweety treats.
TC, you can still go back in time and make yourself a contestant so that you can be a judge this time.
TC, 3B! showed up on RoD last year, which is the owner of the bake-off, not BG. For the record, they came freely and demanded cookies. They offered cash, judging abilities, cars, whatever it took to be on the recieving end of cookies. Thus, 3B! has a responsibility to report on the cookies. This is no small matter. Don’t be a playah hater.
AG
2005 Chair of the RoD Holiday Bake-Off Judging Committee
(AG should so put that on her CV)
Ahh. I was unaware of the epistemology of the Blue Girl World Wide Bake-Off and Universal Domination Initiative. Thank you for the enlightenment; obviousl RoD is a place of class and sophistication.
entering the contest would be a markedly bad idea. My baking skillz are less than legendary; indeed, they are most non-triumphant. Paramedics might be needed. In fact, permanent damage could not be ruled out.
TC, AG is a Jew — she makes reservations. Having said that — it’s about secret weapons, power, pride and making UC bow to AG’s cookies (He’ll love those goyishly decorated cookies no doubt). Get a secret weapon and enter, dude!
You can’t be the chair of the damn judging committee if you’re a CONTESTANT. *I* am the chair of the judging committee. Don’t make me take my shoe off.
Hello, Res? What year are we in?
You gotta stop yelling at AG and read more carefully, dollface.
Furthermore, BG is the Chair. The winner of last year’s contest is the Chair. Let AG review the spreadsheet because last time we all checked, you were lucky number 2. Wah Wah.
(He’ll love those goyishly decorated cookies no doubt)
“Don we now our Goy apparel…”
And I do hope everything is prepared in a Kosher fashion.
Sadly, my bad-@ss choco-walnut cookies are geographically prevented from entering. Discrimination!
(Also, way to hijack the thread.)
BG is the Chair of the Blue Girl Fantasy Fairy-Candy-Land Magical Pony-Bake Committee, which consists of BG, BG and BG.
Also, when did we ever decide that the winner gets to be the next year’s chair? When did we ever even create a committee? You’re just making things up. I was not elected to watch my baked goods suffer and die while you debate this in a committee!! Or something.
And I yell because I like it. It’s fun.
PS, those people who keep attacking you over at Bossy’s place are f-ing NUTS! Sorry I ever doubted you on that one. Other people don’t need to be yelling at you all the time. That’s my job!
Res, it was well documented that BG would serve as teh Chair. I think you might have missed that memo because you were busy pouting.
As for your baked goods, AG created a committee to try to help your cookies win. At the end of the day, it was Pinko who the committee had to take to the wood shed over the chewy issue. We tried, but what can you do when you have two stoners as judges, Lance Mannion who is way in love with BG and Pinko, UC and your BFF AG. Trust me, you needed AG to Chair a committee with these characters.
Thanks for the Bossy comments. Loved today’s B.S. –AG is a holocaust denier because she asked about Orville Redenbacher’s hometown. Sure, 2 plus 2 equals four on that line of thinking. It’s a bunch of little little kids from Sarah Lawrence in NY. Perhaps one is related to Bossy or perhaps they are just dorks. Who knows and who cares. Either way, they are little children and AG treats them as such — she ignores them on that blog.
AG needs to know those cobags are fake Jewish versions of Shoelimpy™.
Also, need I point out AGAIN that Res hosed himself by have TOO MANY CHOICES. It brought down his average.
AG knows that. Hence why AG doesn’t break a sweat over them.
Ok. I have three different, distinct things to say. All of which MUST NOT BE IGNORED.
1) which is the owner of the bake-off, not BG
Untrue. *I* came up with the Bake-off contest and challenged Res. I have proof. Bloggy documentation. So, I not only *WON* last year’s bake-off, but I always own it into perpetuity. So. There’s that.
2) When speaking of me and Res and chairs. Res has one of those picnic fold out cheapy deals from WalMart and I, my friends, have a thrown. So. There’s that.
3) WOULD ALL TEH SMART PEOPLE OVER HERE COME READ MY MOST RECENT POST AND SEE IF YOU *GET* IT.
Res did not get it and focused in on my jammies. And my jammies were *not* the point.
I know there are smart, math and sciency people over here — that my post will not fly over their heads. I know aif will get it! I know AG will get it! Not sure about Pinko — but, whatever.
PLEASE COME OVER AND TELL RES WHAT’S WHAT.
That is all.
Signed,
The owner of the bake-off who sits on a thrown who writes posts that go waaaaaaay over Res’ head.
Thank you for your time.
Throne.
BUT – and I say this as a spectator and a fan, not to be critical – since Blue Girl’s RSS feed ‘is screwed up’ and she has been known to eat ice cream cones incorrectly, as well as misspelling ‘Throne’ TWICE, is she an appropriate candidate for supreme judge and Chair of something so critical as the judging committee for the 2006 Blue Girl International Baking Jamboree and Supreme Blogging Domination World’s Fair?
LOL!
Why did I spell it that way?
I can’t even blame it on my fast typing. Or maybe I can. I don’t know.
And AG — I meant to say —
I do not like those people at Bossy’s blog at all. I want to beat them up. Am I missing something? Do they think they’re being funny? Are they being funny? I don’t think they are.
I’ve never banned anyone from my blog, but I wouldn’t let anyone to that to anyone. Makes me feel bad. I would ban them.
ban them, baaaaaan them. baaan the witches, baaan them all.
Let AG begin by letting PLOVER know that he/she/it/bird has been tagged at RoD. AIF or Fish, if you are reading this — you too. Fish better not try to get out of it!
BG: We hosted the bake-off. While you may have challenged Res, he baked his cookies first and got on Sadly No! for it. Kind of thinking it belongs to RoD. We also hosted the event last year. It shouldn’t matter because you won. Give Res something…
Who knows what the people think at Bossy’s site. More than anything they don’t like that AG has a great nanobot and all they got is some woman who is male identified who can say nasty things in Hebrew or Yiddish. Whatevs. We got cookies!!
I, my friends, have a thrown.
No, you ARE thrown. But I think you meant that you HAVE a THRONE.
Give Res something…
BG is like the Borg. She just assimilates everything.
Give Res something…
No.
Yes!!
YES YES YES!!!!
Do I detect shoe banging?
I say unto you from atop my golden thrown…
Nooooooooooooooooooo
I’m fixin’ to throw a tantrum.
Please give a link to the fake Jewish Shoelimpies.
Jewish Shoelimpies™ are trying to snort AG’s nanobot?
They attack the crap out of AG in super mean ways at
http://iambossy.typepad.com/
Thanx.
Annie had the best comment over there. Pinko, you have to copy it to quotes and Res, we got a new tee shirt!
I think it would be much cooler to sit on a thrown.
Bossy, here. For the record Bossy isn’t related to any of the people who leave comments on her blog. Bossy’s family has dial-up and are frankly a little tired from a lifetime of having to listen to Bossy’s unsolicited advice. AG: thanks for hanging in there despite opposing comments. Bossy can’t figure out what that’s all about but she thinks she sort of has a crush on Rebbestzin’s husband.
AS ALL AMERICANS KNOW, ODUMMY IS USING THE SAME TYPE MATH CALCULATIONS HE, D-A PELOSI AND PRINCESS REID USED FOR THEIR FAILED CORRUPT $800B STIMULUS DEAL. WHAT A COMPLETE LYING FAILURES!!!