Pitchforke Cobaggery Watch Volume Infinity (A)

Yo! P-Fork’s 100 best Track of the Year! PSHAW! What level of disdain will they have for their tortured readers this year?

I think UC is locked and loaded, so we’re diving into the entire list, in several portions. Join the train wreck.

100: Burial-“Southern Comfort” Moody and creepy. Might be improved by drugs. Probably absolutely terrible without headphones. Interesting.

UC’s take: I listened without headphones. It was absolutely terrible, yet interesting, in the way that getting stomped to death by an elephant would probably be interesting right before you died.

99: The Divine Comedy-“A Lady of a Certain Age”
Thoughtfully strummy with a Givenchy name-check? Would be better in a Clientele voice or perhaps Cinerama. OK.

UC’s take: I really like Divine Comedy. The background guitar, though a little Eagles Hotel California-y, adds a nice template for the piece. It’s very pretty and should be a hit amongst the adult alternative crowd. Which we’re not supposed to be, so I can’t give it anything better than a pretty good. Damn, why did Sting have to ruin everything?

98: Chelonis R. Jones-“Deer in the Headlights (Radio Slave Remix)” So this list is kind of filled with remixes. I don’t know what this means. The dreaded reviewer Philip Sherburne seemed like he gots a lotsa slotsa on this list. That means techno. Techno is so minimalist and derivative now that if UC had to listen to this entire song he’d probably go on a killing spree. It really rides that fine line between skull-drilling torturous and stalker-eyed hypnotic. Sadly, these guys don’t realize that the best part of the beat here is really just a cheezewad thumpity thump from Faithless’ “God is a DJ.” God is not amused. OK.

UC’s take: MUST. KILL. NOW. I had to stop listening. It’s atrocious. Please make it stop. Just wait, back arrow. Hah!!!

97: Midlake-“Roscoe” Stephen Trousse’s (nice stage name, chump) review drops this gem “Out of step with anything else released in 2006, “Roscoe” fabricated a backwoods world that nobody had quite yet fathomed, conjuring all the dogged integrity those creamy CSN&Y harmonies yearned for.” That piece of IMS poop notwithstanding. Awesome.

UC’s take: I thought this was the theme music to M*A*S*H. Then I realized it was just Alan Parson’s Project. Awesome.

96: Oxford Collapse-“Please Visit Your National Parks” Sounds like Built to Spill plus someone better. Nothing new, but indie pop good. Something that sounds like it could be a radio song from before every shitty band on earth with access to an Auto-tune pooped out poop-chute demolishing poop, but maybe a little retro for the long lost 90s. Almost awesome.

UC’s take: The guitar work kicks ass, but the lyrics and voice betray this song as being emo. But it has a little Wrens feel to it, raising it from average to good. Matt LeMay is right about the cool outro.

95: Rihanna-“S.O.S.” If you use a beloved sample in a total JAM I bless your bootie. Get on the floor, haters. Drop the talky “you know I’ve never felt this way before” at the beginning, unless you want the listener to feel used and dirty on listen number two. Awesome.

UC’s take: Damn, I want to not like this, but the tainted love beeps betray me. And I even didn’t mind hearing this on the radio. There are even some good lines and rhymes. Awesome.

94: Scritti Politti-“The Boom Boom Bap”
I got ah..way.. Never mind, none of you remember that Scritti Politti. It doesn’t sound like other stuff, but when P-fork picks this type of song you feel like their just totally f***ing with your shit. Ass-some.

UC’s take: I didn’t hear it, but I know I don’t like it.

93: The Thermals-“Here’s Your Future”Nerd Church Punk. Sounds too clean. Has it’s place. Probably not so much in my ear. Meh.

UC’s take: If this were Ted Leo and the Pharmacists it would be pretty good. But it’s the Thermals and sounds like Oxford Collapse, but in a bad way. OK.

92: Mew-“The Zookeeper’s Boy” Alert UC! Possible proggy bits. Oh this song. Wank. Interesting and Meh.

UC’s take: Wow could that review be any more over the top? But the music is absolutely soaring. If Rush listened to indie pop and decided to get back in the music making business, they might have been able to approach this. But it wouldn’t be as good. Super awesome.

91: Escort-“Starlight” Straight ahead completely retro disco. Almost hard to tell that it is new- the most disingenuous parts are bass number 2 fills. Make it more interesting. Like go with Allison Goldfrapp space disco instead. Technically proficient OK song not for this list. Meh.

UC’s take: If I wanted to listen to a modern take on disco, I’d pop on my Anniemal CD [BETRAYAL! -PP]. Yes, I have it. If I wanted a retro take on disco I’d listen to Go! Team. This offers nothing new or old of note. But it’s still kind of catchy. Meh+

90: Arctic Monkeys-“A Certain Romance”
. Nice the opening sounds like Ocean Colour Scene then gets all possibly genuine, and then he starts talking about Classic Reeboks. Oh look, my effortless singy talking in my little accent. Then a line about ringtones. If he could sing worse or better they could pull it off. If Julian Casablancas sang on this it would a stunner. Interesting almost hit. Listen to it closely, it really is just a Strokes song.

UC’s take: I was so on the forefront of the Arctic Monkeys backlash, that I never actually listened to their songs. I like this, though. Curse my hype aversion. PP is right, though. Arab Strap do the accent better and Strokes do the rock better. Interesting, but not special.

89: Annuals-“Brother”
The opening is all Kingsbury Manx-y. I think UC’s wetting himself right now. Oh the strings. It is like an Animal Collective song now, in the best way. Wow, then they start just cranking. Awesome.

UC’s take: I was just introduced to Annuals last week, and this isn’t even one of the top 5 songs on their CD. Funny that Pitchfork jizzed all over Beach House, but didn’t go gaga the same way for Annuals. The Animal Collective feel that PP mentioned is prominent, and they do it in a way that I like more than Animal Collective. For the Pitchfork list, awesome. For Annuals, good.

88: Geiger-“Good Evening (SuperMayer Remix)” The super slowed down devil voice is not gonna win anyone over to a supposed “overblown microhouse” 12-minute thingeru. The website lets you listen to a bunch of different spots in it. I’m leaning Ass-some.

UC’s take: Yawn. How is this distinguishable from anything else that sounds like nothing of interest? Meh minus.

87: Yeah Yeah Yeahs-“Cheated Hearts” The IMSs all wanted to write off this album for various insufferable reasons, but we have it from teh l4m3 that this album is awesome. This song is kind of boring like bad Interpol is, and I know there are better tunes on the album. Meh.

UC’s take: I heard this song while channel flipping onto Letterman or Leno, and I had no idea who was singing. But I was transfixed by this group. I thought, surely this is one of the best songs of the year, and I can’t place the group. It bothered me because how could I not know a band that had a song that was this good. When I realized it was YYY and that everyone and their second cousin twice removed raved about the album it made more sense. Even better live than the video. Super awesome. I don’t know how this song wasn’t in the top 10, which consisted mostly of excrement (we’ll get there soon enough).

86: Spank Rock-“Sweet Talk”
– Raps like he’s got a cold. Kind of a jam. It’s the perfect mix of sample/beat and flow. Awesome.

UC’s take: It took me five separate clicks to get this song started. I regret every one of those clicks. Interesting, but I don’t like it. I think a hit of ecstasy would help, but I don’t do drugs and I like my rock rolled, not spanked.

85: Beyoncé-“Ring the Alarm” No. Sub meh.

UC’s take: Beyoncé is very pretty and has a wonderful presence and an acceptable voice. But she’s no Macy Gray. This song could have been pretty good if it were gritty and painful, but Beyoncé makes it just supra meh.

84: Boris-“Farewell” This is the evil track that is so amazing and awesome and super awesome that doesn’t sound like the rest of the album. Heh, suckers. Space rock shoegaze. Like Sigur Ros with 50 more distortion pedals. Rest of album is “metal.” Awesome.

UC’s take: It doesn’t quite reach awesome for me. The layer after layer adds to a really nice effect, and you can tell that they are going for super anthem, which I appreciate. But there’s just a slight lack of space to really tug on my heartstrings and sell me all the way. Good.

83: CSS-“Alala”
Our first bloop rock entry. What Ladytron would sound like if they weren’t ice robots and wanted to push electro rock buttons. Interesting and OK.

UC’s take: If it helps, I don’t like Ladytron either. Ass, but recently wiped ass.

82: Kris Menace Presents Stars on 33-“I Feel Music in Your Heart (Lifelike and Kris Menace Remix)” I had this on when e-mailing plover. I forgot it was playing. Meh?

UC’s take: Maybe the non-remixed version isn’t so meh. This track defines the confidence interval of meh.

I’m feeling the love. We’re gonna keep on rocking this steaming coiler all week.

21 Responses to “Pitchforke Cobaggery Watch Volume Infinity (A)”

  • Might I mention perhaps the most obvious stupidity of Pitchspork’s list:

    Where in this flaming fig fart fusillade is Neko Case!??!?

    Or is she there and they just spelled her name B-E-Y-O-N-C-É? Because I can see how that would be an easy mistake for an IMS to make.


  • 99: I have ‘Die a Virgin’ by these guys and I like it. They are like Men Without Hats/Talking Heads, whichever of those two bands had a sense of humor.

    97: I think Midlake is a little whiny, but then I have only heard three songs. Perhaps if they put as much thought into their songs as they do their album titles…

    96: I saw Oxford Collapse with The Grates and We Are Scientists last Tuesday. I have renamed them Porn Stache and McFly in honor of the singer’s facial hair and excellently dropped line from Back to the Future. This makes them arguably the BEST. BAND. EVER. More on this later.

    83: CSS is interesting enough. I would buy an album because they are Frenchish and female and I would be willing to bet that they would have pictures of the band in their foldout and since they are French they would have healthier attitudes about nudity than, say, AG. This band is great for making subtle jokes about coding and music that only fulsome gets. He doth appreciateth them, too.

    If I were a linking sort of dude in comments, I would have linked every band I mentioned for the utter coolness and helpfulness of it.

  • This should be the Pitchfork Meh-thedone list. It’s a rock substitute.

    I agree with plover, I don’t know how there can be no Neko Case. And Drive-By Truckers “Gravity’s Gone” was another awesome-o that got left off.

    Mew is Cocteau Twins singing on Disintegration. Interesting but no 2112. Admittedly much better than Rush rapping.

    Rihanna puts three extra slices of cheese on a guilty pleasure. Just a fun song.

    I don’t get the ga-ga over Arctic Monkeys, but I don’t know how they couldn’t pick “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor.”

    I think the singles list was better than the album one.

  • Like I have time to read all of this. Dammit, there’s the Holiday shopping, and an impressive troll infestation over at the Sadlys.

    Can you just sum up the good stuff? If any. It is after all, pitchBaggo.

    Sharing pork snorkels with anybody who turns me on to anything as good as The Field Mice, The Figgs, or even “Renegade”

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    TC has a good point. Maybe when we’re done with all this, if we are ever done with all this, we’ll just make a list of the awesome tracks, and add in our own overlooked awesome tracks for the year. That means Neko Case for Plover, Mojave 3 for Pinko Punko, and Fiery Furnaces for UC. Hooray!

  • that’s not a troll infestation, that’s just someone putting the Sadly back in. I’m laughing my ass off.

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    Oh yeah, extra 3B points to Brando for the Meh-thedone. Awesome.

  • I forgot to add that the Pinko/UC commentary is a tour de force. TC should make the time to read it. I always enjoy the 3B AV P-fork Poop Shoot Club.

  • We’ll get the rest of the rest of the list if Chuckwagon doesn’t jump the gone.

    I think Philip Sherburne is gonna destroy UC.

  • Just to let everyone know: “ass-some” is bad.

  • How the hell did I jump the gun? I have never been to the P-Forkadelia.

    I don’t like reading music reviews unless it is on this site or WRN.

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    pLover, some of the individual lists weren’t all that bad. Four different people have three different Neko Case songs on their top 25: Stuart Berman and Rob Mitchum had Hold On Hold On, Stephen Troussé had The Needle Has Landed, and Matthew Murphy had Star Witness. It’s the combination of the collective and Ryan Schreiber cobaggery that ruined their list. I was sad to see that only Jessica Suarez had any Islands songs on the list. WTF people?

  • I liked the Midlake, YYY’s and Boris singles. And CSS is entrances me for some reason; I think it’s the accents and “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” attitude I imagine they have on the tour bus. And Captain Lou Albano.

    For the rest in this edition, I prescribe one large MEH.

    I think P’Fork is trying to out IMS the IMS with all the half-effort techno. Someone’s been reading too much Wired and it’s clearly rubbing off on them. (I’m too lazy to link to it, but Wired is an experimental music mag in Chicago, not the tech website).

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    Totally, robola. Hey, where’s Fulsome. You think he could at least join us for a good old Pitchfork bash. I feel so dirty.

  • Bringin’ the hate on P’fork can be knee-jerk at times, at least that’s how I feel when it seems like I’m dissing them as a way of excusing why I pay attention to them. But they are diverging a bit, which can also be a good thing since no matter my opinion of the site I’m still inclined to sample what they recommend, even if it’s only out of curiosity. And I can appreciate that because I’d rather listen to something new, different and good than the standard tripe. No matter what, though, I think I have cauliflower ear when it comes to house/techno.

  • I’m trying to figure out the Scritti Politti song referenced. He should have stopped after 1983’s Lions After Slumber, nothing can top that, every song still stands up, and the ambition of Jaques Derrida is more touching than ever in light of what’s become of our universities. LAS was one of the best debuts ever recorded in the history of rock-n-roll, and Gartside was so frail and smart and gorgeous and disappearing from Wales with delicious self-mythologizing references about his need to take a hiatus while “ill,” what a drag to see him attempt a comeback and undo all that.

  • FP- Scritti’s comeback albums, even his hip-hop (?) one have been beloved. My guess is if you like him, you would probably still love the new stuff, it is just his voice is a massively acquired taste.

  • time for me to learn what the cool kids listen to….

  • K- don’t bother, we’ll have recommendations at the end of the week, after we slog through this mess.

  • Where in this flaming fig fart fusillade is Neko Case!??!?

    Or is she there and they just spelled her name B-E-Y-O-N-C-É?

    great line.

  • Mitchum.



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