Here are the rules: pick a national food/restaurant chain. First person to pick a chain that submits it in comments gets to find the unhealthiest, most disgusting anti-nutritional meal at that restaurant (one appetizer, entree w/ advertised sides, dessert, drink). Most disgusting wins! While I suspect there will be a run on Applebees, we’re taking Ruby Tuesday with the first pick. EVERYBODY needs to participate. Trust me, you will shock the crap out of yourselves, although I suspect Fulsome will merely get hungry.
UPDATE The only person that will actually eat this stuff besides me, will be Chuckles or Fulsome. On a triple dog dare. The goal is to find the most atrocious example of corporate food scumbags trying to make sweet love to the heart disease lobby. Too bad Cheesecake Factory doesn’t put their nutritional info online. I woulda picked them in a delicious and deadly non-heartbeat.
AG can win this all together — the most disgusting thing ever put out by a chain was Starbucks green tea and blackberry crapacino. It made AG vomit on smell, alone!
As usual AG will lose, we’re looking for things that have 4000 calories and 197 grams of fat. That kind of disgusting.
Sonic:
Let’s mix it up: formuated menu item: Chili Breakfast Toaster on ‘roids. Simply request the breakfast toaster sandwich with chili instead of ham, bacon, or sausage.
Ocean Water — Sprite with coconut flavor. Gack, gack, gack.
And that frito burrito idea they once had looked like barf on a tortilla.
THIS IS A TWO STEP PROCESS. EVERYBODY PICKS A RESTAURANT, THEN WE WILL COME BACK TOMORROW AND ENTER THE ACTUAL ITEMS.
NOTE: “DISGUSTING” MUST HAVE SOME ASPECT OF SUPER BAD FOR YOU, NOT JUST PLAIN DISGUSTING. ALSO, WE ARE ASSESSING THE ABILITY OF AG TO READ.
THIS IS NOT A DICTATORSHIP. FEEL FREE TO PLAY HOWEVER YOU WANT!
Arby’s:
Anything they will sell you!
Eat it Pinko cobag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
I pick Quizno’s and it will kill you all…
fish is going down! I’m gonna sneak a peak to see if there is anyway for fish to beat me.
Care to pick again, fishwagon?
http://www.foodfacts.info/blog/2006/03/still-no-nutrition-data-from-quiznos.html
Fish, goddammit! What are you doing?!
Worst soda maker:
Schwepp’s
It is sooo disgusting and high in calories.
Worst Crown:
Burger King.
A paper crown? Hello, AG is used to diamonds and pearls.
AG, do you need to be assigned a restaurant?
Don’t start your patriarchy sexist bossing around of AG, mistah.
AG is going to win with this one:
Pick-up-sticks: Worst game evah. Evah.
AG has been assigned Max and Erma’s.
Worst actor in a Ben Stiller movie:
Philip Seymor Hoffman in Along Came Polly.
Pinko is being a yentzer. AG only plays with Jewish Delis, cobag!1
While to the uninitiated, this may seem like horrible PP/AG bickering, I’m actually very pleased at how well both are getting along. This is a big improvement!!!!
My restaurant is a no-brainer. Friendly’s. My stomach is churning just thinking about it.
AG and Pinko made me snort whiskey out my nose, which would be on any short list of disgusting quasi-comestibles. Therefore I pick Pizza Hut.
I may be opening a Max and Erma’s in my neighborhood. Who’s in?
This is so, er, suburban. Where the #$%^ am I going to find a suitably competitive chain restaurant in downtown DC? Am I supposed to go way the #$%^ out to Virginia to find an Outback Steakhouse? Or can I name a semi-chain like McCormack & Schmick’s or the Araway concession at RFK Stadium?
ooo! OOO!
I want KFC!
AG is a bit loopy of late. Don’t ask to see her keychain.
Clif, you only need to be able to find Nutrional info for a meal for one- 1/2 an app, a whole entree, one whole dessert and a drink. We are trying to explode the bank. Now, whatever you think you can defeat Geenie Cola and her Ruby Tuesday entry with, go right ahead. I do warn you that if you pick McCormick and Schmick’s crabcakes, UC will actually fight you, because we kind of thought they were good.
Billy, nice call on KFC, but I think you are gonna go down in flames, albeit colon smitten!
I had dinner at the RFK Araway concession two years ago and I’m still sick. Clif, I think you’ll do fine.
Whatever is the most heart destroying, we will dare either Fulsome or Chuckles to actually eat.
In that case, can I change my selection to the Humane Society?
Are there any chains that make 3 foot burritos? Cause I kinda want to see Fulsome eat the whole thing. I mean again.
Oh crap, I shoulda picked Chili’s. We might need to go to the Officiating Committee on what constitutes a serving of Awesome Blossom.
All right, I’m going to make a brave choice – Panera Bread Co.
I don’t need no stinkin “facts” or partisan (no not the bread) “data”.
I just know Quizno’s is teh bestest(worstest). You will all bow before me.
What the F#ck are you peeople doing? You aren’t playing correctly. It’s name your favorite Uno card, not stupid restaurants. Come on — Skip card rocks!
UC, why didn’t you pick Dairy Queen. Come on — they have burger dogs and ice cream. Don’t you start with Friendly’s, mistah.
And Snag: Pizza Slut?!
God effin’ damnit! You all need to re-read the stupid lame arse pathetic directions.
And Fish gets 200 points for putting that fairy Pinko is his place above this comment!
Best board game evah:
TWISTER.
AG will play it with Chuckles and Fulsome any day. ANYday.
I CALL FIVE GUYS IN DC!!!
NO GIVEBACKS!! NO TAKESIES!!
Five Guys is a local chain. I should be able to find some nutritional information. I would take Fazoli’s but there isn’t one I can get to. Also, NEVER DARE ME TO EAT ANYTHING.
I will eat it. I may then hurl like a madman, but the food will make it down to my stomach for some period of time not less than one minute. Also, the Fulsome Collary of Chuckles Reasoning Process requires that I meet or exceed him in all consumption, excepting gasoline.
I was going to do Bennigan’s but they don’t post nutritional info. This probably won’t be eligible because I don’t think it’s national enough, but I will go with Culver’s, home of the Butterburger. I am not eating there today but let’s just say I speak from experience. They also have a nutrition calculator on their Web site.
Let’s play the Feud!
Appetizer: Wisconsin Dairyland Cheese Curds (they squeak when you eat them!)
Entree: Cheddar Burger with Bacon, big enough that it gives me a patented Culver’s Cramp.
Drink: Large Pepsi
Dessert: Frozen Custard Banana Split (3 scoops)
Total: 3165 calories, 160g of fat, 72 g of saturated fat, 544 mg cholesterol, 223g of sugar.
Kelly’s Roast Beef.
Don’t go there, tigrismus. I beg you, don’t go there.
uh, does anyone have a hardee’s around?
a monster thickburger, chili cheese fries, a hand-scooped shake gives you 2960 calories, of which 1695 are from 188 grams of fat and a pumping 3440 mg of sodium.
they actually have a very spiffy nutrition calculator.
enjoy your heart attack, gents.
Go there T-unit! Go there!!
Kelly’s teh suxxx!!!
What the hell are you all doing?!!
It’s name your favorite fruit. Things like Kelly’s and Friendly’s are not fruit.
Get with the program, peeoples!!!
AG is calling Miami Subs. Double cheesburgers and sloppy shakes bitchz.
And would someone please take Wendy’s, Rod Dee and Swiss Chalet!
Best movie actor: Tom Arnold!
Oh, you can use regional chains?
Dang I missed the Culver’s. I call foul: They’re from WI; West of the Mississippi types like Brando are barred from choosery.
If we can select entertainment venues, like Clif, I want the Wisconsin State Fair. Cream Puffs, baby!
We need a ref’s decision, immediately. And keep AG from running onto the field of play. Besides, pickup stix was a great game; always the temptation (likelihood) of lodging one of those things in your opponenet, a bystander, or the cat.
Dang. Now I’m hungry.
Uh, Billy, Wisconsin is EAST of the Mississippi. I freaking love Culver’s. Once I had the monster butter burger or whatever the heart attack it is called. The thing was 6 inches across. It was good. It was huge. The next day was a little rough but the doctors got my heart beating so I’m all good.
Billy Pilgrim, AG is going to take both your legs with those testicles if you keep up with the actually recognizing this lame contest!!
What did AG tell you?!
The contest is about the best way to remove a man’s balls. Now go!!!!
Although the fast-food death bombs will undoubtably be the single most disgusting item, I offer the subtle horror that is Outback Steakhouse. A fricken’ fried onion as horrific as anything Chili’s cranks out, with over a pound of dead cow on top of it. Chuck in a assinine amount of fudge and ice-cream in their “Chunder from Down Under” dessert and wash it down with a goofy mixed drink bigger than your head. Toss in a wafer-thin mint and stand back.
well, I think you guys need to bring a better game. GC and I have picked Ruby Tuesday.
We’ll be sharing the Classic Appetizer Sampler at 414 calories per serving, 20 g of fat. Oh woops, need to include dipping sauces, which we will estimate at 110 calories and 10 g of fat. Then I will be having a very healthy sounding choice for dinner “FRESH Chicken and Broccoli Pasta”- YUM, that would be 2061 calories and 128 g of fat. I’ll have a couple of Cokes with that, we’ll say 300 calories, no fat. Then to top it off I will have some Double Chocolate Cake, 979 calories, 48 g of fat. That is a total of 3864 calories and 186 grams of fat. For, Snag, that’s like eating a whole puppy!
Diogenes, you could win this thing if you can get some sort of data on a Bloomin’ Onion (we’ll settle for the Chili’s numbers) a loaded baked potato, some sort of fried entree and a dessert. I think that would blow this wide open.
Oh might Gazoogle, what can you do for me?
Mumble mumble mumble … Hey, presto!
http://tinyurl.com/2m8pqp
A sample repast:
Aussie Cheese Fries: 2900 Cal. 182g fat
Porterhouse Steak: 1230 Cal. 99g fat
sides: Aussie Chips (w/Ketchup!): 725 Cal. 32g fat
Grilled Onions (gotta have some veggies…): 180 Cal. 11g fat
Chunder from Down Under: 1220 Cal. 78g fat
That’s 6254 calories and 402 grams (damn near a half kilo!) of fat.
In good conscience I can’t actually recommend anybody actually Eat This, cobag or not.
I thought we weren’t supposed to do the dishes yet? Now I’m confuzzled.
Olive Garden.
We weren’t but AIF started, so everyone should just start. Even though I think Chuckles is going to die when he has to go to Outback. I think we’d have to cut the Cheese Fries in half- that was almost 2 lbs of cheese fries in one serving. Yum!
I surrender!!!!
Besides, I couldn’t get any decent nutritional value on Friendly’s crapola food. The best I could find was dessert:
Apple Pie Sundae, 1040 calories, with 62 grams of fat, 21 grams being saturated fat (100% of daily intake on both).
It was humbled by the Chunder from Down Under, the offical accompaniment of chundermuffins.
Humane Society d/b/a Pets or Meat:
Appetizer – kitten stix with dipping sauce
Main course – large cheese-stuffed beagle
Side dish – Hamster Tots®
Dessert – deep-fried chocolate covered parakeet with creme caramel
Drink – Extra large Sluice Cola
An estimated 8322 calories and 773 grams of fat.
I was going to do Claim Jumper. None of you would have defeated me. but they don’t post their info. Just as well. no one likes a winner.
Here’s my Taco bell entry:
Nachos Bell Grande: 790 calories, 44g of fat;
Seven layer burrito: 530 cal., 21g fat
Cinnamon twists: 160 cal., 5g fat
Large Coke (32 oz.): 439 cal.
total: 1919 cal., 70g fat.
Chuckles, billy was saying that people who LIVE west of the Might Miss’ shouldn’t get to claim Culvers.
This is such a tough call. I need to keep thinking about restaurants. Also, clearly being a WRN with Chuckles and Fulsome means that I too would eat this delicious meal.
Is it sad that this story has just made me hungry?
Uh, Chuckwagon, I said the WEST of Miss people were disqualified, hence Brando.
Culver’s is indeed East of Miss.
The best way to remove testicles: The Pig Testicle Method. Farmers use this on pigs, and those pork machines have some large nards, if you know what I mean and I think you do:
You start with a small, very strong rubber O-ring. A special tool stretches this so it can be passed over the testicles. The it is allowed to contract over the sackular neck portion, – constricting it mightily!- and cutting off blood flow. After an unspecified period of time, the units just….drop off. There. Is that hideous enough for you, AG? You’d subject your father and grandfather to such a plight? Just a weekend of strong foreplay around the Pilgrim household. My safeword is “Orange”
OKAY. KFC. First, we start with a bucket of chicken….
The best I could do is Denny’s:
Nachos: 1278 calories; 64g fat
6 Mini Burgers with Onion Rings: 2044 calories; 122g fat
Hot Fudge Brownie a la mode: 997 calories; 42g fat
Malted Milkshake: 583 calories; 26g fat
TOTAL: 4902 calories; 254g fat
There are Culver’s in 15 or 16 states, including plenty west of the Miss. (like Iowa). In my old apartment, I could see the Culver’s here from my deck. But they are more regional than national so they probably should be disqualified.
I was going to go with the Monte Cristo from Bennigan’s a deep-fried heart attack, but the info’s not posted online so I can’t say how digestively traumatizing it is.
I can’t believe something with broccoli has 2000 calories.
I can’t find Kelly’s “nutritional” information online, so I’d can’t discern how vein-cloggingly, chest-openingly good the cheese and bacon fries, a fried clam plate and a frappe would be. I think one of the boys should eat it anyway and tell us how many calories it tastes like.
Look, I know that Culver’s has greased their way into any number of States, even Texas last time I checked.
But they started in Wisconsins, that’s the flippin point. sheesh. I’m gonna start collecting hairyboys for AG pretty soon.
Athough I don’t think even they could beat that disgustocardial infarction from outback up there. Calling Mr. Creosote.
I think the mother of all everything would be if anyplace offered cheesy onion rings. It is clear from my experience that certain fried onions are more like drinking a cup of vegetable oil, but apparently cheese is nature’s way of consolidating fat.
dEN- that is hilarious- but the burgers are MINI- they CAN’T be THAT bad for you.
I don’t think we can have Chuckles eat that. I think he would die.
fulsome, I assume there will be no problem.
Claim Jumper would be insane. You bet they don’t post their nutritional info.
2000 calories and 100 grams of fat? Par for the course.
Take a look at who doesn’t post nutritional info. Applebee’s is the worst- they claim that they use different distribs, so there is no way to be accurate with the information. How about /- 10%, assholes?
I wanted to go with a White Castle crave box of 30 burgers but I couldn’t find the nutritional info (their site says it’s ‘being updated’). Like the recipe for a crappy White Castle burger has changed in the last 20 years.
“Grilled Liver, Bacon & Onions
Lightly Floured Baby Beef Liver, Crisp Applewood Bacon & Grilled Onions. Served
with Mashed Potatoes. Buttermilk Biscuit”
BLAM!!
160 cal, 9 g fat for one White Castle, so times 30!
Pizza Hut played the same game- the handy nutrition calculator gave a “file not found.”
Darn.
Anybody can slap together a “Last Meal” ™ combo at any typical American bistro. We do love our deep fried foods. The scariest things are those terrors lurking on the so-called “Kid’s Menu”. Even a conservative meal is around 600 calories at most places. Comes with one of four collectible SpongBob defibrillators, while supplies last.
Best surreal combo I ever saw was a “rubenesque” patron at I-n-O order a 4×4 animal-style… with a diet coke. WTF?
The Diet Coke top off is my fave.
I really love how they try their hardest to hide what you are eating. They are so evil. Oh, have your 5th raspberry lemonade and your tenth helping of delicious breadsticks!
God, I love food so much, but jesus:
1 serving of Awesome Blossom, with Seasoned Sauce:
2710 Cal, 203 grams of fat (NOT A TYPO)
Chicken Crispers
1880 Cal, 130 grams of fat
Dipping sauces, 350, 30 g fat
Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie
1600 Cal, 78 g of fat
3 Cokes, 40 oz, 400 cal
6590 calories, 441 g of fat
Disclaimer, I am almost positive I have eaten this. I am assuming fires were included with the Chicken crispers info.
That is 3.5 days of food.
That’s assuming, even given healthy food and habits, you’re one of those saintly people who stick to under 2000 Cal on a regular day.
You forget the 6g of sodium in the Bloss’ there.
6 GRAMS, geez.
I need to see how they figure that sodium- if they isolate the sodium, that means it is more like 14 grams of table salt, the likely source of that sodium.
Did any of these nutritional lists include levels of melamine?
Mmm. Nothing says yummy like a HALF OUNCE OF SALT!
It’s amazing anyone makes it out of there alive.
oz? don’t you mean lb?
I’m getting thirsty for a bottomless coke right now!
Just because they don’t make it out doesn’t mean theylived through it.
Don’t fall asleep there, or you might BE the menu, is all I’m saying.
I see a new meal on the horizon called The Chucklebuster!
good lord that Chili’s meal is crazy, PP.
contra others, I kind of feel like not eating ever again.
and yeah, Sifu – no way Claim Jumper posts their info.
I mean, I usually don’t eat desert, but I know I’ve had that dessert, and I know I’ve had that entree and that appetizer. WTF? Is all fried chicken that bad? Because I love fried chicken like a delicious, edible brother or other treasured family member.
Three Bulls! Busting Chuckles as home of the Chucklebuster!
Fried chicken — the way it’s made in most restaurants — is just atrocious for you. If you took two people and had one eat a three-piece fried chicken meal every day, and the other person shoot heroin every day, I wouldn’t be surprised if the heroin subject outlived the fried chicken subject. That’s how I know fried chicken is better than heroin.
Not all fried chicken is *that* bad, I think. I have seen fried chicken that almost seemed healthy. By “almost”, I mean the way 1.5 snickers bars is healthier than 2.
If only we could somehow harness the caloric potential of the Awesome Blossom, this nation’s problems would be solved.
They burn like a tire fire. I’ve heard.
Quizno’s BLT sandwich (jumbo), reminder, this is just the sandwich, 1048 cal, 44g saturated fat, 3286 mg sodium. That would be 220% of the daily saturated fat and 137% of the daily sodium intake.
fish, that is like 1/3 of an awesome blossom. That is child’s play. My heart would even skip more beats more than it usually skips.
That’s the jumbo version, though. The regular’s large enough for me.
I stopped getting the large once Quizno’s started charging 900 dollars for a sub. And the bastard discontinued my Spicy Monterrey Club. CHUNDERWAGONS!
i gotta say one thing for quizno’s…
well, maybe not.
Look, I am not boasting when I say that if you put fulsome and I in a room with all of these foods, and could magically maintain the freshness of said foods, we would waddle out of that room 24 hours later. THERE WOULD BE NOTHING LEFT BUT WRAPPERS.
I add one further step to this contest/challenge: all participants must get a before and after cholesterol exam.
Also, those wrappers would likely have been licked clean.
I would like to claim Steak ‘N Shake in the name of the Midwest, cobags.
Best surreal combo I ever saw was a “rubenesque” patron at I-n-O order a 4×4 animal-style… with a diet coke. WTF?
Atkins.
Let’s start off with an All-American Melt, two patties with bacon and cheese topped with Frisco Sauce (really) on buttered Texas Toast. Lettuce and Tomato, too.
1298 calories/103 g fat/1889 mg sodium
Side of Chili Cheese Fries
1279 calories/72.5 g fat/2352 mg sodium
Large Orange soda
255 calories/68 g sugar/85 mg sodium
Dessert: 1 large Cookie Dough shake
1128 calories/39 g fat/583 mg sodium
Yer total:
3960 calories/214.5 g fat/4909 mg sodium
Krap, I didn’t even get close.
You can get a dessert and a shake I think if you do Steak n’ Shake. Call the shake the drink. That’s what I did for Denny’s.
Also, you forgot to include the worm looking pepper things that are sitting on the table. I always eat at least one whole bottle of those.
I was actually just looking at PF Changs and apparently if you go with:
Chang’s Spare Ribs: 1280cal/79g fat
Lo Mein Combo: 1820cal/126g fat
Great Wall of Chocolate: 2240cal/89g fat
Total: 4100cal/274g fat
poor math on my part. That should be 284g fat.
fish, that is like 1/3 of an awesome blossom.
33% more saturated fat though, the real killer…
This isn’t within the strict rules of the contest as it is not a chain restaurant, but behold:
“My name is hamdog-mandius, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!”
Fish, I will see your Hamdog, and raise you a Fat Darrell. a sandwich made of chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks and french fries. With marinara sauce. http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2004-08-19-fat-darrell_x.htm
GAME ON!!
The Luther berger.
Bacon cheeseburger on a Krispy Kreme donut. So powerful it has reached the level of Urban Legend…
omg. I was going to compete but my head – and heart – just exploded.
here was my entry before I was steam-rolled by Luther.
“Adventurous patrons will delight in creations like the unusually delicious “Rory” Burger, a hamburger topped with peanut butter and bacon”
link
You were a worthy adversary. Be glad I didn’t have to pull out the Beer Battered Deep Fried Bacon Double Quarter Pounder…
I think the saddest part about this thread is that I have eaten so many of these meals. I know I have had the Outback meal (and more) in one sitting.
I will pick Uno’s Chicago Grille:
Pizza Skins (1/2 order):
Calories 1030 | Fat 67g | Sat. Fat 24g | Sodium 1.6g
Skinless baked potato:
Calories 600 | Fat 44g | Sat. Fat 14g | Sodium 1.4g
One serving Chicago Classic:
Calories 2270 | Fat 148g | Sat. Fat 53g | Sodium 4g
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup (1/2 order):
Calories 920 | Fat 66g | Sat. Fat 26g | Sodium .4g
Total:
Calories 4820 | Fat 325g | Sat. Fat 117g | Sodium 7.4g
One serving Chicago Classic:
Calories 2270 | Fat 148g | Sat. Fat 53g
this is for one piece of pizza? holeee crap.
I will vouch for fulsome and his claims of Outback Victory for I, too, have eaten at the trough of plenty that is the unwholesome foulness of Outback “Awesome Blossom” Steakhouse. I have sat across from fulsome “The Gullet” fulliepants and I have struggled and fought mightily with him in a feast of epic proportions. Literally. We each consumed an Awesome Blossom, some of those shrimp on toast thingies, steak, potatoes, etc and etc, and then dessert.
24 hours later, we were both sweating out the grease, but otherwise alive. My doctor commited seppuku upon testing my cholesterol levels later that semester.
last time I ate at an Outback, I had one of those barftacular blossom things. I spent the whole night throwing up.
Too bad Lulu’s isn’t a chain. It’s right down the street from my work. They serve a chicken-fried steak that’s about a foot square. Instead of the usual topping of heart-healthy cream gravy, they cover it with — wait for it — chile con queso. That’s right, they coat a gigantic slab of deep-fried beef with effin’ melted cheese. Then they ask you — with a straight face! — if you’d like fries or a baked potato with that.
Another copy and paste blog post? Yours,
Spambot is snarky!!! LOL
SPAMBOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ironically, Applebee’s just had an ad for “Provolone-stuffed meatballs.” Jesus H. Christ, Applebee’s.
Denny’s has a grilled cheese with mozzarella sticks embedded inside.
I read your blog frequently and I just thought I’d say keep up the good work!