Yeoman Rand! GET ME THE FOOTAGE OF THE MOP ATTACK!

If this hadn’t actually happened I would have made it up, only adding Disco Stu Tuxedo pants, some cabbage and wild and mild ranch Fritos. The fullest of the fritos.

“Angry words were exchanged,” Provo police Capt. Cliff Argyle said.

“Mr. Perry exited his vehicle and grabbed a mop out of the pedestrian’s mop bucket and started to strike the pedestrian,” Argyle said. “The pedestrian grabbed another mop and used it to defend himself. Eventually the pedestrian was shoved over a planter box and fell onto his back.”

Hee hee, “angry” words in Provo include “fetch, Gad, darn, gol, gosh, geez.” Off-handedly, I wonder how many road shows used Milli Vanilli for “girl, this church is true!” skits? That’s really neither here nor there, but you know, you gotta roll with the Provo stories somehow.

20 Responses to “Yeoman Rand! GET ME THE FOOTAGE OF THE MOP ATTACK!”


  • This is a clear example of what can happen without enough Friday night Sprite drinking and dry humping.

  • There are some odd details here. Why was the Mop Man pushing a bucket across the street? Is BYU’s endowment suffering, so they only have one bucket that they have to wheel all over campus? Do all the other bukkits haz cheezburger and were thus unavailable?

    And why was he carrying two mops but only one bucket? Does he mop with two hands? Does he get accosted so much that he carries a special fighting mop?

    And why would a Wookie, an eight-foot tall Wookie, live on Endor with a bunch of two-foot Ewoks? None of this makes sense!

  • the nunchakku,the bahng mahng ee, the triple hinged staff, the jahng bong, the kama, even the cane- all lethal weaponry in the martial arts canon.

    But the most feared is the dammp mahp.

    in the hands of a Master, it can disable up to seventeen opponents and leave a shining clean floor! Your Drunken Monkey technique is no match for my Caffeinated Janitor!!

  • LOL @ Does he get accosted so much that he carries a special fighting mop?

    I want one!

  • Billy, a succssful hit from the Dammp Mahp also requires a saving throw against disease. And if it was a Vorpal Dammp Mahp, it would also cause a wicked headache on a roll of 17 or higher.

  • It really did seem like the grab back of mop mayhem. You don’t bring a swiffer to a mop fight.

  • Is there really such a thing as a “star runner” in college? I’m guessing this is the thing he’ll actually be most famous for.

    Also, this incident happened on my birthday, which is cool, because it’s exactly what I asked for.

  • a story with an actual bucket, and no one takes the LOLcat route? sad.

  • If the critical threat range is 17-20 on a mop, what about the bucket? And if the walrus has Mop Specialization? Run, runner.

  • Let’s see, the wookiee defense, insulting a Republican for something stupid they said, a minor LOLCat reference (see Brando’s comment Kath) bad kung fu movies, Dungeons and Dragons, a great one liner from PP, and a Logan’s Run reference.

    that’s a lot of meta for a nine comment thread. I think our work here is just about done.

  • Chuckles, don’t forget about the weapon speed factor of the mop and whether the runner had the initiative.

    Billy, we did pack this one pretty tight. I also agree that Pinko’s swiffer zinger was teh awesome.

  • LOL @ You don’t bring a swiffer to a mop fight.

  • I’ve read a lot of your stuff over at Sadly, No!

    You’re terrific. Smart, sane, reasonable…all the things American politics isn’t.

    Thanks. It warms the cockles of my heart to know there are others out there.

  • Thanks, JO- don’t let the mop bandit get you down!

  • LOL @ Pinko Punko being sane.

  • Brando, that all depends on which system you are using. I prefer 3.5 and I am willing to bet that the offender had Improved Initiative, which I think we can all agree that he did based on his first striking ability. Rolling is a random, but 4 to initiative rolls sure helps when you want to beat up some guy with his own mop. The fact that the janitor was able to ready his own mop for a defense indicates that he is far more proficient with mops, or at least has the Quick Draw ability. Given his profession, I think we can infer that the janitor has both high mop skill and Quick Draw. Too bad he didn’t have Toughness or this random encounter might have ended differently.

  • so how come spam karma and akismet let through a wangulator comment? i thought it was a joke, but bam… it’s the real dealie

  • I am old-school, Chuckles. First-edition rules for me. Gotta have an Effreti on my DMG-ee.

  • I have those. I just prefer the new school because it makes sense. The old school was all about selling you 40 different kinds of dice and contradictory rules. Half of the session was spent debating the finer points of the rules, instead of the way it should be spent. Debating the finer points of the ladies in the pictures.

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