Brownback may be pro-spider, also pregnant

While I was skeptical that Sam Brownback, the embryophagic embryophilic Kansas Senator seeking the GOP Presidential nomination, might be pro-spider, it turns out that he has taken actions consistent with oppostion to the anophelofascist menace. However, his true position remains unclear and thus a cause for concern.

While, in the past, he has acted in his role as a member of the Senate Appropriations Committee to ensure that USAID funds are used to more directly combat malaria carrying mosquitos in Africa, his office has been silent on this topic for over a year and a half — his last official release on this topic being in December 2005. A team of UC Davis anti-mosquito scientist-commandos claims to have met with Brownback staff in March 2006, but the Senator’s office did not issue any public pronouncement.

Has he blinked in the face of anophelofascist terror? Has he succumbed to the sting of their yellow, fevered attacks and propaganda? Asked whether the Senator favored the pro-spider agenda, a Brownback staffer replied, “What are you talking about?” Given Brownback’s prior efforts on behalf of pro-spider principles, it seems necessary to get to the bottom of this. When solicited for comment, a spider outside my window said, “…”

It is true that, in a foreign policy statement, Brownback quotes one well known pro-spider activist: “With great power comes great responsibility.” So perhaps it is possible he has not broken faith with the pro-spider values that make this country great. I suggest every effort be made to contact Senator Brownback personally in order to ask if he still supports the agenda favored by spiders throughout our nation and many others.

There is concern in some circles whether a pro-spider agenda is really compatible with Brownback’s stance against evolution. The latest cutting edge research by Michael Behe indicates, in the words of one fellow biologist, “The Designer, who must have godlike powers, specifically created malaria itself … Got that? Plasmodium falciparum [the malaria pathogen] was explicitly and intentionally constructed to infect, make ill, torment, and kill human beings.” This thoroughgoing doctrine of special creation would, it stands to reason, also apply to the delivery vector for malaria. If Brownback wants to be consistent in his opposition to Darwinian evolution, will he really be able to ignore this evidence regarding the intended role of mosquitos (and P. falciparum) in God’s plan? On the other hand, might he be backtracking from his earlier pro-spider position to satisfy the conservative religious base in his quest for the GOP nomination for the Presidency?

Perhaps recognising what a sticky trap the spider issue poses for their icon, Blogs 4 Brownback has remained silent on these concerns. In this day, however, such silence is irresponsible, and it leads to the unpleasant suspicion that fundamentalist reasoning has led many among Brownback’s followers — and perhaps even the Senator himself — to become derelict in their patriotic duties, to lay aside the core arachnAmerican values, indeed to ally themselves with the anophelofascists who seek to suck the red American blood from their veins. Will the smoking gun pointing to Sam Brownback’s true allegiance come in the form of a cloud — of mosquitos?

In other news, it is going to have been reported next April that Senator Brownback seems to be pregnant. In a quite literal display of embryophilia, Senator Brownback’s own body appears to be going to demonstrate his devotion to embryos by actually producing one.

While the folks at Avant News do yeoman’s work in outlining the medical, scientific, political, and Culture of Life implications of this future development, I would like to point out one lacuna in their account.

Brownback’s obstetrician at Divine Shepherd of the Lord Health Center noted that, “Human asexual reproduction is a rare, but by no means unique, occurrence.”¹ That fact is, of course, well known, but he then continues, “This, however, is as far as I know the first documented case of what appears to be a viable pregnancy occurring in a male individual,” which indicates a rather startling degree of ignorance on the topic for a professional obstetrician. Fortunately, I was given to understand, Arnold Schwarzenegger made himself available to the center to share his experiences in this area which ought to have corrected any misconceptions the Senator might have received from his physician.

1. As an aside, I note that Divine Shepherd of the Lord Health Center is in a town called Dotterel. The dotterel is a species of plover. What relevance this may have is left up to the reader. [back]