I admit this concocted human is more derived from my insecurities created and marketed by Yee Olde Pitchforckian Cobaggerye than actual experiences (in most cases). For example my recent experience with the record store clerk yielded a possibly stoned and distant cashier, nothing more. However the fictional responses below are so obviously what certain chundernozzles actually think while processing your purchases.
A. The Shins-Wincing the Night Away
Munchloaf thinks: “Oooh, three stars- People Magazine! You insufferable turd. Let me encourage your pathetic and overly dramatic suicide.”
B. The Strokes-First Impressions of Earth
Munchloaf thinks: “I’m surprised your not buying this with a Camaro-themed Capital One Visa. Most likely maxed out with a Celebrity Cruise and chat-line charges.”
C. Genesis-The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway
Munchloaf thinks: “You live inside a gigantic fruit-shaped bong. You should be segregated from society and composted.”
Munchloaf thinks: “Nice try, poseur. There is nothing you can buy in this record store that will earn my respect. The fact that you even shop here suggests you are not fit to feed and clothe yourself. As does your spittle-flecked Charlie Brown shirt.”
E. Berube and the Pomos-Album
Munchloaf thinks: “This album is created by the listener, and by definition is therefore execrable. This album should be destroyed in a gigantic nuclear fireball like the One Ring in Mount Doom. I only read those books to disdainfully hit and run dorkwagon chatrooms. What of it?”
F. Arcade Fire-Neon Bible
Munchloaf thinks: “You despicable emo cipher. I can’t look at you for another second.”
G. Black Rebel Motorcyle Club-Baby 81
Munchloaf thinks: “Wow. This could constitute a painfully awkward midlife crisis. Thievery Corporation is on sale- why not go for the gold?”
H. Boredoms-Unearthed original acetate of unreleased lost track with original members.
Munchloaf thinks: “Too spaz-core. Just kidding. Pretty cool.”
I. Boredoms-Unreleased track from future, obtained through use of alien time machine.
Muchloaf thinks: “Don’t you think they’ll be played out by then?”
UC adds, in comments:
Yeah, I just went through this myself at Newbury Comics.
A. The National – Boxer
Munchloaf thinks: You toad socket. You probably don’t even like this kind of music and will pretty much buy any album that Pitchfork lists as their Best of new music just to try to impress the dunce in your bay, who really is as much a tool as you are. Well, I hope you enjoy the 11 Visa points, because that’s the only value you’re getting out of this one.
B. Spoon – Ga ga ga ga ga
Munchloaf thinks: Ding ding ding. I probably would have respected you if you didn’t also buy Boxer. I hope the CD melts in your 1991 Yamaha piece-of-crap CD player.
C. Viva Voce – Get Yr Blood Sucked Out
Munchloaf thinks: Let me guess. You heard them open for The Shins and thought the singer was hot. Have you even heard a single song for their previous CDs? Are you just buying this to save face on your lame ass blog?