Pitchfork or Worse Record Store Clerk

I admit this concocted human is more derived from my insecurities created and marketed by Yee Olde Pitchforckian Cobaggerye than actual experiences (in most cases). For example my recent experience with the record store clerk yielded a possibly stoned and distant cashier, nothing more. However the fictional responses below are so obviously what certain chundernozzles actually think while processing your purchases.

Your purchases:

A. The Shins-Wincing the Night Away

Munchloaf thinks: “Oooh, three stars- People Magazine! You insufferable turd. Let me encourage your pathetic and overly dramatic suicide.”

B. The Strokes-First Impressions of Earth

Munchloaf thinks: “I’m surprised your not buying this with a Camaro-themed Capital One Visa. Most likely maxed out with a Celebrity Cruise and chat-line charges.”

C. Genesis-The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway

Munchloaf thinks: “You live inside a gigantic fruit-shaped bong. You should be segregated from society and composted.”

D. Suicide-Suicide

Munchloaf thinks: “Nice try, poseur. There is nothing you can buy in this record store that will earn my respect. The fact that you even shop here suggests you are not fit to feed and clothe yourself. As does your spittle-flecked Charlie Brown shirt.”

E. Berube and the Pomos-Album

Munchloaf thinks: “This album is created by the listener, and by definition is therefore execrable. This album should be destroyed in a gigantic nuclear fireball like the One Ring in Mount Doom. I only read those books to disdainfully hit and run dorkwagon chatrooms. What of it?”

F. Arcade Fire-Neon Bible

Munchloaf thinks: “You despicable emo cipher. I can’t look at you for another second.”

G. Black Rebel Motorcyle Club-Baby 81

Munchloaf thinks: “Wow. This could constitute a painfully awkward midlife crisis. Thievery Corporation is on sale- why not go for the gold?”

H. Boredoms-Unearthed original acetate of unreleased lost track with original members.

Munchloaf thinks: “Too spaz-core. Just kidding. Pretty cool.”

I. Boredoms-Unreleased track from future, obtained through use of alien time machine.

Muchloaf thinks: “Don’t you think they’ll be played out by then?”

UC adds, in comments:

Yeah, I just went through this myself at Newbury Comics.

My purchases:

A. The National – Boxer

Munchloaf thinks: You toad socket. You probably don’t even like this kind of music and will pretty much buy any album that Pitchfork lists as their Best of new music just to try to impress the dunce in your bay, who really is as much a tool as you are. Well, I hope you enjoy the 11 Visa points, because that’s the only value you’re getting out of this one.

B. Spoon – Ga ga ga ga ga

Munchloaf thinks: Ding ding ding. I probably would have respected you if you didn’t also buy Boxer. I hope the CD melts in your 1991 Yamaha piece-of-crap CD player.

C. Viva Voce – Get Yr Blood Sucked Out

Munchloaf thinks: Let me guess. You heard them open for The Shins and thought the singer was hot. Have you even heard a single song for their previous CDs? Are you just buying this to save face on your lame ass blog?

15 Responses to “Pitchfork or Worse Record Store Clerk”


  • The Uncanny Canadian

    Yeah, I just went through this myself at Newbury Comics.

    My purchases:

    A. The National – Boxer

    Munchloaf thinks: You toad socket. You probably don’t even like this kind of music and will pretty much buy any album that Pitchfork lists as their Best of new music just to try to impress the dunce in your bay, who really is as much a tool as you are. Well, I hope you enjoy the 11 Visa points, because that’s the only value you’re getting out of this one.

    B. Spoon – Ga ga ga ga ga

    Munchloaf thinks: Ding ding ding. I probably would have respected you if you didn’t also buy Boxer. I hope the CD melts in your 1991 Yamaha piece-of-crap CD player.

    C. Viva Voce – Get Yr Blood Sucked Out

    Munchloaf thinks: Let me guess. You heard them open for The Shins and thought the singer was hot. Have you even heard a single song for their previous CDs? Are you just buying this to save face on your lame ass blog?

  • I want to make it clear that there is no way in hell I bought genesis. I did buy some of those, but not the made up ones.

  • Did you wear your red track suit when you bought the Genesis?

  • I bet he wore the spangled spandex pants and a Mosquito t-shirt.

    Why would you buy the Genesis when you already own like, seven copies?

  • A. I’m From Barcelona – Let Me Introduce My Friends.
    Dude checking me out thinks: You look slightly easy on the eyes so I’ll let this one pass even though you know you only heard about this band because you obsessively download every free mp3 on Fluxblog without bothering to read Perpetua’s paragraphs.
    I think: Man, I wonder if this album will help me get some tatas rubbed in my face?

    B. Silver Jews – American Water.
    Dude checking me out thinks: The laconia is killing me and I’ll let this one slide because you have probably actually drunk away your rent once or thrice and I’ll take away all the sadness beside your eyes even though you are probably only buying this album because your friend told you that they are kinda Wilco-y and you are likely trying to impress some little chicky that likes Wilco and I’ll be so much better for you than her.
    I think: Man, these guys better be good and help me get some tatas rubbed in my face.

    C. The Kinks – Village Green Preservation Society.
    Dude checking me out thinks: Um? Never mind, you’re just a giant tool.
    I think: Man, I hope I am not being a giant tool and that this mix CD rocks chicks clothes right off.

    D. Nick Cave – Let Love In.
    Dude checking me out thinks: I am going to cock slap you, chunderwad.
    I think: Why is the clerk suddenly glaring at me?

    E. The God Damn Doo Wop Band – Broken Hearts.
    Dude checking me out thinks: Nope, still going to beat you mercilessly as soon as I go on break after you pay.
    I think: This guy looks like he is going to kill me. Hey! A hottie just walked in.

  • too funny PP. and UC. I am wiping away tears.

  • You probably don’t even like this kind of music and will pretty much buy any album that Pitchfork lists as their Best of new music just to try to impress the dunce in your bay, who really is as much a tool as you are

    I do wish I had listened to that guy before I bought The Rapture’s Echoes album.

  • Did you wear your red track suit when you bought the Genesis?

    That comment is comedy gold.

    Maybe the red track suit and a sink lettuce mask?

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    Munchloaf thinks: Ding ding ding. I probably would have respected you if you didn’t also buy Boxer. I hope the CD melts in your 1991 Yamaha piece-of-crap CD player.

    Hey, how the hell did he know that about my CD player? That kind of bothers me.

  • It is weird to have such a dismissive stalker.

  • This post was very long. I’m sure it was very interesting too. At least I think so. And I’m sure I agree with whatever was said, if anything indeed was said.

  • I only by my music from Jack Black and/or John Cusack

  • YARR ME HEARTIEs!!!!!!! SCREW THE RIAA!1! i mean, who buys CDs anymore?

    sorry that was just my piratourrettes acting up.

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    Brando, Brando, Brando. I told you Echoes by Pink Floyd not sucky Rapture.

  • A. Tom Jones – Tom Jones Chronicles

    Munchloaf thinks: You are like a god among men.

    B. Lemon Pipers – Green Tambourine

    Munchloaf thinks: The chicks are going to dig this.

    C. Gilbert O’Sullivan – Himself (American version)

    Munchloaf thinks: Thank you Lord for allowing me to serve him.

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