This is not a filler post.
This is a post to address certain minor issues which have been clawing for the attention of the Ombudsmoose for various periods of time. Kindly bear with us, as there is important news below.
Today, we address nefarious outside influences, since there is nothing to complain about here. If there is, you should know the drill by now (or, preemptively, at least a bit).
We begin, in true half-assed fashion, with the important news that trolls on certain other fine blogs are aware of all internet traditions.
This may be the first instance of a troll doing something useful in the history of the ol’ tubes, and we applaud the success of their continued mocking. The estimable John Cole has much, much more on this meta-meme.
Second, Pinko Punko notes the suspicious silence of the Canadian Curling Association on the Strange Mystery of the Severed Feet in the Water. He writes:
could the ombuds address the Canadia Severed Foot issue, and not to belittle this macabre situation, but has the CCA commented? It is irresponsible not to speculate. If we were CNN we would pronounce our conventional wisdom as fact.
Sadly, the facts of the matter are that six [EDIT: the sixth was a hoax] severed shoe-clad feet (five right, one left) have washed ashore in various parts areas of the Lower Mainland. Their origin has yet to be confirmed, but marine accidents have been suggested as a possible culprit.
Also, there is at least one woman’s foot which has been found in this fashion, putting at least one particular theory to rest.
The CCA has declined to launch an internal investigation. Speculation, as always, is heartily encouraged. Grippers or sliders? Only time will tell.
M. Night Shyamalan, remarkably, has yet to purchase the movie rights.
More importantly, we should like to remind the Editor that “Canadia” is a purely imaginary place, inhabited by poutine-eating bilingual chain-smoking ice fishermen who uptalk a lot. No such area exists in the Great White North. We suspect PP has been using Conservapedia as a reference. Or possibly Bob and Doug McKenzie.
HOWEVER, because you have all been so good as to read this far, we have received persimmon to declare a new contest!!!!1!1!!! In the spirit of redundancy, the contest is to determine the best idea for a contest. Ideas for contests, methods, and prizes may be entered below, with the winner getting… a chance to enter the contest along with everyone else.
Out of respect for our imminently pupating colleagues, this contest will run until the end of the month, at which point a vote will be held in the traditional fashion. Which is to say: the most complex variation of the democratic process we can determine. Consider it practice for the upcoming election.
Don’t say we never do anything for you, dear readers, but if you find that this is indeed the case, complaints may be submitted to the usual address.
I wonder why Drudge is silent on the CCA business? Could it be their presumably hypothetical secret ties to the Curling Illuminati? What does Drudge fear?
He fears the moose. As should you all!
We interrupt this regularly scheduled pointless ombudsmoosery to bring you the best Yelp sushi restaurant review EVER. (Aside from all the other best Yelp sushi restaurant reviews.)
Pinko I believe Mandos just challenged you to a Sushi Yelp Off.
link
There is sushi in Dallas???
It forces me to get an account to link a review directly, so here’s the page
Behold! Oklahoma City:
page
we first need to elect electors who will vote on the contest competition. Electors shall be apportioned to blogs based upon traffic, quality of blog design, and quantity of pork snorkeled.
link
I am aware of all contest traditions at Three Bulls!, and I believe that we have a genuine Yelp-off in the making. I already award 10 points to #11.
Linky
And right below it:
Linky
And the standard “I AM THAT ETHNICITY SO I CAN BE STEREOTYPICAL/RACIST ON YELP HAHAHAHAH” post:
Link.
I am crushing you people.
Also:
Linkwagon
I think we are in the endgame, folks.
Ooooooooh.
When I get home…
Here is the rest of the thread from above (five more), also it is not my fault there is no place called “Jive Ass Rolls”:
a)
Fusion my ass
Unagi and cream cheese is nasty as hell
Chamchi kimbap is not tekka maki
Kill me now
‘Neo-sushi my ass
Lobster and salsa is nasty as hell
A**holes
Maybe inventive and creative is not always needed
Eradicate it
b)
SCREW jive ass rolls! They ruin my dining experience and make me into a rude Tokyo chick.
These are LA places that make some serious jive ass rolls:
* Crazy Fish (Completely takes the cake home)
* California Roll Factory (on Santa Monica Blvd.)
* Koi
* Sushi Roku
* Blowfish Sushi to Die for
* Geisha House (evil name)
And practically all other Pseudo Japanese Asian fusion crap you find on every street corner in LA.
Tempura does not belong inside a roll. And neither does teriyaki sauce, Philly cream cheese and smoked salmon.
c)
Jive ass rolls leave me feeling bloated, salty and unfulfilled. Screw that!
The worst involved PEANUT BUTTER!!! In a sushi roll! WTF.
Edit: Ok, for those of you who don’t know…there is NO PLACE called “Jive Ass Roll”. Sounds like a business destined to fail.
For the origin of this name, please see ALL of Nobu’s reviews on bad sushi places: http://www.yelp.com/us…
d)
WTH is up with women wearing shirts that are at least three-sizes too small for them? Did you run out of clean shirts? Did you shrink your shirt by putting the washer on hot instead of cold? And don’t get me started on those jeans. Please don’t sling those rolls around while you’re blasting “My Humps” and microwaving your (third) Lean Cuisine for lunch, because the other two just didn’t satisfy you. Lady, you’d have to hunt down and devour a small gazelle to be able to satisfy you.
Now that’s some seriously JIVE ASS ROLLS! Err, wait. What were we talking about again?
e)
In defense of the Jive Ass Roll
Commentary on the anti Jive Ass roll postings 7/11. Purists beware!
I was surprised to come upon 4 simultaneous reviews of “jive ass rolls” yesterday, surprised at the outrage generated by these evolving creations.
I don’t get it? Why the outrage? Why not? They were created in CA, after all, not JP. Not that it even matters. It’s culinary creativity.
Food is influenced by the regions it travels to. Hence, Nobu Matsuhisa started making sushi with Peruvian accents, as he worked there for many years, and was inspired, heaven forbid, to try something new. The result? An empire. And endless imitators. Asian fusion is now a new style of cuisine.
Why be rigid and stuffy when it comes to food? The French would not have created Nouvelle Cuisine and endless restaurants from France to Europe to America would never have happened, restaurants reviewed on Yelp, chefs that are revered world wide. Let’s not even talk about Wolfgang Puck and his pizza bastardizations. And to go back a bit further, we would not be eating sandwiches now, had the British rose up in horror against the inventor of that fabulous brainstorm.
While a Jive Ass Roll (I like the name, I see one being built) may not be Nouvelle Cuisine, the California Roll that predates it is a lasting addition to Japanese cusine. After all, it was created by a Japanese chef here in LA and thanks to him and his enthusiastic followers, it took on a life of its own. And it has contributed to the world wide popularity of Sushi. Why, they even make it in Japan, kashu-maki. Why not rolls, Jive Ass rolls with Korean, Russian, American twists? Put whatever you want in them, see what happens. If they weren’t liked or successful, restaurants would not make them. But they do because they sell. People, ‘gasp’, like them.
If you don’t like it on principal, just don’t eat it, in fact. But it’s not going away. Nor is the creativity that birthed it in the first place. That endless search to amuse the palate that has plagued man since the beginning. Thank Gawd. It’s why we’re all here, right?
We interrupt this regularly scheduled pointless ombudsmoosery
You’re fired. Where’s the banha—
Oh, rats.
PS There’s a late-night all-you-can-eat not far from where I live. 13 bucks after 9:30! It ain’t Tojo’s, but it’s downhill back to my place.
Bonus conversation with a friend (Yelp-worthy?):
She: I hate mayonnaise, actually.
Me: Enjoying those California rolls?
She: Of course. Why do you ask?
There is no fillibustering in a Yelp Off, Pinko.
“Me: It means good. My face naturally goes like that when it’s SO GOOD”
Pinko, you can’t write your own Yelp review and then post it over here as a Yelp Off entry.
Jive ass rolls leave me feeling bloated, salty and unfulfilled
I want this on a t-shirt.
I couldn’t even read the whole thing on that one.
Let you in on a little secret. I just searched for “Yelp!” “sushi” “ass” and I crushed everyone.
I’m telling you my secret because the worse it gets, the more we win.
There is something else.
RUSSIAN INFLUENCE.
FTW, I believe.
“jive ass” my ass. Translate this one, BRO
link
Also, in the Department of The Incredibly Low Bar of Happiness, the award goes to:
So Firefox 3.0 has a bug in reloading the page and allowing comments. I will not let that defeat me. At worst, we are all Golden, at best Mandos might squeak K for the Bronze, with K’s sad second place coming in silver. Listen to the 3B anthem, chunderclumps!
If I had the heart, I would have rick rolled you there, but that is ce n’est pas de troisieme des boillions.
Whoa nelly!
You SF people.
Persimmons (kaki) are finest on Kudayama during late summer…
Well, at least someone noticed.
Mandos, did that review have any single non-contradictory statement in it???
Oh Mandos, that was a gold mine:
“I met a friend here for happy hour, as she claims it is her favorite sushi place in the city. It’s a pretty nice place, dark, candlelit, opens to the outside. However, these are the kinds of places that worry me–useully these kinds of restaurants rely more on their “cool” decor and overprice food, rather than focusing on creating great flavors.
Essentially happy hour on the Thursday that I went, was a complete Sausagefest. I walked in and I felt the record player scratch as every dude in the place swiveled his head 180 degrees to stare at the fresh meat that entered the door. As I proceeded to scan the room for my friend, their hungry eyes followed me all the way to my seat.
Once settled in, I was greeted by the douchiest of douche bag bartenders. I ordered my drink from him, but he didnt acknowledge that I placed my order. We tried to order food from him, he ignored us. When we tried to get our last-call drinks before happy hour ended, he ripped the menu away from us. Um, k. Luckily there was another (friendlier lady) to help us out.
I’m giving this place 3 stars because the food is pretty good, especially the appetizers, and because I had a good time catching up with my friend. It’s pricey, however, and the crowd is very Marina-esque, so I doubt I’d go out of my way to come here again. I’d probably go for happy hour again though…but only if someone esle suggested it.”
Pinko – Firefox 2 had that same bug. At least here.
the people who give 3 stars after ripping a place always amaze me.
three stars:
That is the worst. Kathleen f***ing wins. I submit that the conspiracy theory RE: jive ass sushi is still pretty good.
Md- You can’t comment twice in a row without reloading the page, that is the default of the commenting system. In Firefox 3, reloading the page doesn’t let you comment again, you have to go away from the page and come back.
Yes, I thought Kathleen won right at about “fluffer shift”. Sheesh.
fluffer shift:
the lowering and raising in pitch that occurs as a fluffer approaches and recedes from (respectively) an intervention event
Yes, Kathleen wins. Fluffer shift, complete random racism, rating that doesn’t match the review, and assuring that the reviewer did not have an allergy to “fish people.”
Contest. Victor. Spoils?
Hey, Snag, you can change your underwear now because the boys finally lost.
What underwear?
I was picturing a Møøsian Junk Muff, but I see where I went wrong.
Møøsian Junk Muff
Dear Pinko,
Send screen wipes.
kthxbai,
MD
Possibly the most verbose rant on a coffee-shop on Yelp:
Cranky, insular, and uses “jejune” in a description that would fit the review itself quite well.