3Bulls! LLC is aware of all internet traditions

This is not a filler post.

This is a post to address certain minor issues which have been clawing for the attention of the Ombudsmoose for various periods of time. Kindly bear with us, as there is important news below.

Today, we address nefarious outside influences, since there is nothing to complain about here. If there is, you should know the drill by now (or, preemptively, at least a bit).

We begin, in true half-assed fashion, with the important news that trolls on certain other fine blogs are aware of all internet traditions.

This may be the first instance of a troll doing something useful in the history of the ol’ tubes, and we applaud the success of their continued mocking. The estimable John Cole has much, much more on this meta-meme.

Second, Pinko Punko notes the suspicious silence of the Canadian Curling Association on the Strange Mystery of the Severed Feet in the Water. He writes:

could the ombuds address the Canadia Severed Foot issue, and not to belittle this macabre situation, but has the CCA commented? It is irresponsible not to speculate. If we were CNN we would pronounce our conventional wisdom as fact.

Sadly, the facts of the matter are that six [EDIT: the sixth was a hoax] severed shoe-clad feet (five right, one left) have washed ashore in various parts areas of the Lower Mainland. Their origin has yet to be confirmed, but marine accidents have been suggested as a possible culprit.

Also, there is at least one woman’s foot which has been found in this fashion, putting at least one particular theory to rest.

The CCA has declined to launch an internal investigation. Speculation, as always, is heartily encouraged. Grippers or sliders? Only time will tell.

M. Night Shyamalan, remarkably, has yet to purchase the movie rights.

More importantly, we should like to remind the Editor that “Canadia” is a purely imaginary place, inhabited by poutine-eating bilingual chain-smoking ice fishermen who uptalk a lot. No such area exists in the Great White North. We suspect PP has been using Conservapedia as a reference. Or possibly Bob and Doug McKenzie.

HOWEVER, because you have all been so good as to read this far, we have received persimmon to declare a new contest!!!!1!1!!! In the spirit of redundancy, the contest is to determine the best idea for a contest. Ideas for contests, methods, and prizes may be entered below, with the winner getting… a chance to enter the contest along with everyone else.

Out of respect for our imminently pupating colleagues, this contest will run until the end of the month, at which point a vote will be held in the traditional fashion. Which is to say: the most complex variation of the democratic process we can determine. Consider it practice for the upcoming election.

Don’t say we never do anything for you, dear readers, but if you find that this is indeed the case, complaints may be submitted to the usual address.

40 Responses to “3Bulls! LLC is aware of all internet traditions”

  • I wonder why Drudge is silent on the CCA business? Could it be their presumably hypothetical secret ties to the Curling Illuminati? What does Drudge fear?

  • He fears the moose. As should you all!

  • We interrupt this regularly scheduled pointless ombudsmoosery to bring you the best Yelp sushi restaurant review EVER. (Aside from all the other best Yelp sushi restaurant reviews.)

    I don’t eat real sushi because I am a hypochondriac and will think that eating raw fish will follow in my getting a terminal disease. But I’ve been here a few times with my sushi loving friends and they all seem to enjoy the food immensely. I tried it once (with my eyes closed) and must agree that the sushi was quite good.

  • Pinko I believe Mandos just challenged you to a Sushi Yelp Off.

    Seriously folks, it’s that good if you enjoy creative California rolls that is. Personally, I only eat nigiri or sashimi, but when I eat Chin, I eat those absolutely overpriced, quite ridiculous fancy rolls that celebrities with palates which can not distinguish sashimi grade fish from frozen fillets served at McDonalds.

    Note of warning: Specialty rolls although very tasty, are expensive, but well worth the tongasm.


  • There is sushi in Dallas???

    1/2 priced wine on Wednesdays! Try the Oishii roll . . . it’s delicious! It’s all pretty good sushi. And the wine selection isn’t bad, especially considering the price on Wednesdays.

    Now . . . Again, here comes the naysayer . . .

    I once found a bone in one of my rolls . . . It didn’t stop me from returning, I’m just saying . . . it was a bone . . .

    It forces me to get an account to link a review directly, so here’s the page

  • Behold! Oklahoma City:

    Dear Tokyo:

    I miss you. Ever since I moved to Phoenix, I have been on a quest to find sushi that rivals the delectable heaven you offer. I have been unsuccessful. In fact, I have given up. After a year’s search, I can’t continue being reminded of the blessing I left behind.

    The thought of your sashimi and succulent rolls not only makes my mouth salivate but it also makes me smile. You, Tokyo House, are forever my favorite. I look forward to savoring your sushi soon when I visit.


  • we first need to elect electors who will vote on the contest competition. Electors shall be apportioned to blogs based upon traffic, quality of blog design, and quantity of pork snorkeled.

  • When I heard there was sushi delivery I was shocked, then puzzled, then elated and proud to be an American; Sushi delivery sounds like the greatest thing since martinis in a can. But in the back of your mind you always wonder if something like this is just too good to be true.


  • The Uncanny Canadian

    I am aware of all contest traditions at Three Bulls!, and I believe that we have a genuine Yelp-off in the making. I already award 10 points to #11.

  • Normally when you hear all you can eat sushi, it’s a hit and miss situation, right. Well I learnt my lesson from a few weeks ago. Someone took me out for sushi and I could eat whatever I want and I paid dearly that night after.

    I skimped through the menu and all the prices were close to the AYCE 24.95 price, so i thought what the hell. The sushi they offered were almost similar as the one on the regular menu. I survived once and the second time wouldnt be as bad, right?

    To my surprise, they’re better than I thought. http://i30.tinypic.com… Fresher was the key word. So good, that i went on and on. If only Jill had stopped me. The only pain i endured was downing all them sushi. If only she wasn’t a weaksauce, because they had the special going on for sake bombs for 0.99 each from 5 to 8 and we got in there right before 8. I gulped that little sucker, but she was sipping it. We could have 5 more of those, ya know what i mean!

    Chef: Whats wrong?
    Me: My face?
    Chef: Yes.
    Me: It means good. My face naturally goes like that when it’s SO GOOD

    5 mins later..

    Chef: Ready for round 3?
    Me: Let me see.
    Chef: Tell me when you’re ready.
    Me: DO i have to?
    Chef: No.
    Me: HA! I thought it was a must to go for 3 rounds. If it was, I would have gone easy in the first one.
    Chef: So are you husband and wife?
    Me: That’ll be wrong. I’m her brother!
    Chef: NO way. You 2 don’t look alike.
    Me: HA! cute.
    Chef: Picture?
    Me: Will I be famous after this?
    Chef: It’ll be the first one to be on the wall for all to see.
    Me: http://i25.tinypic.com
    Jilly: I did a 2 thumbs up.
    Me: Who does that?!

    Btw, I had the unagi, salmon, albacore, yellow tail, red clam, tuna, oyster, abalone, red snapper, tamago, salmon eggs, and dynamite. I think they really love me! If not, why would they say, “See you tomorrow”, right?

    Or maybe it’s the hair.


    And right below it:

    sneaky was hungry. i was hungry. i was all stanky stank from the gym but sneaky was in the area so i met up with him right after…stanky stank and all.

    i suggested sushi since i haven’t had it in a while. i remember this place used to be called Tataki Sushi and it used to be THE sushi spot that i would always hit up in my area. but ever since they changed management, i haven’t been back. i decided to change that tonight.

    they have happy hour from 5 to 8 pm – 99 cent sake bombs!!! oh whuttt??? but we got there pretty close to 8 so we only had one. not bad for 99 cents. i had the tiger roll and salmon skin roll while sneaky had the AYCE sushi for 21.95. you get three rounds. this was round one. http://static.px.yelp….

    i forgot to take pics of round 2…and he couldn’t make it to round 3. they messed up on one order…they made a spicy tuna roll for sneaky but i guess it wasn’t his so they gave it to me. i was already full so i just picked out the spicy tuna.

    service was great. there weren’t many customers. it was pretty much just us after 8:30. the sushi chefs were very friendly. they even took a pic of us to put on the wall of fame. awwwwww cute!!!! http://static.px.yelp…. i did the kb pose.

    *thumbs up* to sushi cruise. i’ll be back for more 99 cent sake bombs. and oh btw…they have soju…



    Top ten reasons they’ll take your Japanese card away…

    10) Speak no Japanese
    9) You have or had an Orthodontist (thanks mom!)
    8) Never helped fold cranes
    7) You don’t do the peace sign in photos
    6) No highlights or dyed blonde hair
    5) You don’t carry a camera with you at all times
    4) You don’t have daikon legs
    3) You don’t like rice
    2) You don’t have some kind of charm on your keychain, phone, or in your car (thanks to tinna, I now have a pooh in a tigger suit charm!)

    1) You like JIVE ASS ROLLS

    I like *some* jive ass rolls. I make jive ass rolls…sometimes. But you gotta try it to say you don’t like it. If you’re lucky, I might make some for you.

    Prease don’t take my Japanese card away.


    I am crushing you people.


    Fxxx it!

    So, where was I ? Yah, about Jive Ass Roll.
    I didn’t mean to post it. Sorry, my mistake.

    There is no Sushi Bar calls Jive Ass Roll on Geary Blvd.
    I am writing about the Roll in general.

    You know, That’s not a bad idea to have a Sushi-place calls “Jive Ass Rolls”. They should call it in stead of Sushi because it’s not.
    Well, I’ll bet you that there are NO J-SUSHI CHEFS enjoy making it.

    I just wanted to say that it’s too much.
    It is all started from California Roll using Saran Wrap to reverce it.
    We all know that.
    But It just too far gone using MAYO & HOT SAUCE SHIT!
    What the Fxxx with that Crap?
    I don’t get the idea of using it.
    Where the come from?

    BBQ ELL is seems like everybody’s favor, I think because Sweet Teriyaki Sauce.
    At the Sushi bar, I order Anago sometimes but not Unagi.
    I’ve never order Unagi at Sushi Bar only because I like RAW FISH a lot more than BBQ ELL. When I want BBQ ELL, I’ll go to have a UNA-DON instead.
    Maybe someone who was “CREATATIVE “, put the sliced AVOCADO AND BBQ ELL OVER THE SUGARED RICE CAL ROLL with the sweet sauce on it.

    There is something else.

    Yes, you heard me right. It’s Russians.
    I got this info not from CIA nor KGB.

    A Sushi Chef on Geary Blvd told me about this story a while ago.
    Some Russians like MAYO on Sime-Saba ( a half day salted vinegared Mackerel).
    And they eat the MAYO ASS ROLL with FORK.

    I’ll get nervous just thinking of this combo. EWWW! Help me!
    It’s like eating rice noodle and dropped it and picked up and eat it inside of 30 Stockton.

    I think that is very disgusting havit but I eat Natto so, do you think that makes we are even?
    HELL NO! Even though Natto smalls like shit.
    ( Is there anyone Russian Sushi Eater Yelper? I just like to sit down and talk to you. I just want to know WHY. I’ll tell you why I like Natto.)

    MAYO Korean Hot sauce Tonkatsu or Teriyaki Sauce = What The FXXX Sauce for a Jive Ass Roll with sugared rice.
    Even though Japanese QP Mayo is not same as US kind. Taste different.
    This reminds me of that when I had Okonomi-Yaki with MAYO 1st time at Bote-Jyu, Osaka, Japan about 30y ago. But in Kobe’s Okonomi-Yaki, No Mayo.

    I don’t call it CREATIVE.
    It’s just making a big mess.
    It is very hard for me to call it “Sushi” anymore.

    P.S. I just heard that Unagi Cream Cheese combo! What the hell? and Paemesan Cheese too? Oh Shit, I gotta go to bathroom so badly.
    Another one from Carol L, Spinach, Peanut butter and Chicken roll!This is over my head.


    I think we are in the endgame, folks.

  • Ooooooooh.

    When I get home…

  • Here is the rest of the thread from above (five more), also it is not my fault there is no place called “Jive Ass Rolls”:


    Fusion my ass
    Unagi and cream cheese is nasty as hell
    Chamchi kimbap is not tekka maki
    Kill me now
    ‘Neo-sushi my ass
    Lobster and salsa is nasty as hell
    Maybe inventive and creative is not always needed
    Eradicate it


    SCREW jive ass rolls! They ruin my dining experience and make me into a rude Tokyo chick.

    These are LA places that make some serious jive ass rolls:
    * Crazy Fish (Completely takes the cake home)
    * California Roll Factory (on Santa Monica Blvd.)
    * Koi
    * Sushi Roku
    * Blowfish Sushi to Die for
    * Geisha House (evil name)

    And practically all other Pseudo Japanese Asian fusion crap you find on every street corner in LA.

    Tempura does not belong inside a roll. And neither does teriyaki sauce, Philly cream cheese and smoked salmon.


    Jive ass rolls leave me feeling bloated, salty and unfulfilled. Screw that!

    The worst involved PEANUT BUTTER!!! In a sushi roll! WTF.

    Edit: Ok, for those of you who don’t know…there is NO PLACE called “Jive Ass Roll”. Sounds like a business destined to fail.

    For the origin of this name, please see ALL of Nobu’s reviews on bad sushi places: http://www.yelp.com/us



    WTH is up with women wearing shirts that are at least three-sizes too small for them? Did you run out of clean shirts? Did you shrink your shirt by putting the washer on hot instead of cold? And don’t get me started on those jeans. Please don’t sling those rolls around while you’re blasting “My Humps” and microwaving your (third) Lean Cuisine for lunch, because the other two just didn’t satisfy you. Lady, you’d have to hunt down and devour a small gazelle to be able to satisfy you.

    Now that’s some seriously JIVE ASS ROLLS! Err, wait. What were we talking about again?


    In defense of the Jive Ass Roll
    Commentary on the anti Jive Ass roll postings 7/11. Purists beware!

    I was surprised to come upon 4 simultaneous reviews of “jive ass rolls” yesterday, surprised at the outrage generated by these evolving creations.

    I don’t get it? Why the outrage? Why not? They were created in CA, after all, not JP. Not that it even matters. It’s culinary creativity.

    Food is influenced by the regions it travels to. Hence, Nobu Matsuhisa started making sushi with Peruvian accents, as he worked there for many years, and was inspired, heaven forbid, to try something new. The result? An empire. And endless imitators. Asian fusion is now a new style of cuisine.

    Why be rigid and stuffy when it comes to food? The French would not have created Nouvelle Cuisine and endless restaurants from France to Europe to America would never have happened, restaurants reviewed on Yelp, chefs that are revered world wide. Let’s not even talk about Wolfgang Puck and his pizza bastardizations. And to go back a bit further, we would not be eating sandwiches now, had the British rose up in horror against the inventor of that fabulous brainstorm.

    While a Jive Ass Roll (I like the name, I see one being built) may not be Nouvelle Cuisine, the California Roll that predates it is a lasting addition to Japanese cusine. After all, it was created by a Japanese chef here in LA and thanks to him and his enthusiastic followers, it took on a life of its own. And it has contributed to the world wide popularity of Sushi. Why, they even make it in Japan, kashu-maki. Why not rolls, Jive Ass rolls with Korean, Russian, American twists? Put whatever you want in them, see what happens. If they weren’t liked or successful, restaurants would not make them. But they do because they sell. People, ‘gasp’, like them.

    If you don’t like it on principal, just don’t eat it, in fact. But it’s not going away. Nor is the creativity that birthed it in the first place. That endless search to amuse the palate that has plagued man since the beginning. Thank Gawd. It’s why we’re all here, right?

  • We interrupt this regularly scheduled pointless ombudsmoosery

    You’re fired. Where’s the banha—

    Oh, rats.

    PS There’s a late-night all-you-can-eat not far from where I live. 13 bucks after 9:30! It ain’t Tojo’s, but it’s downhill back to my place.

  • Bonus conversation with a friend (Yelp-worthy?):

    She: I hate mayonnaise, actually.
    Me: Enjoying those California rolls?
    She: Of course. Why do you ask?

  • There is no fillibustering in a Yelp Off, Pinko.

  • “Me: It means good. My face naturally goes like that when it‚Äôs SO GOOD”

    Pinko, you can’t write your own Yelp review and then post it over here as a Yelp Off entry.

  • Jive ass rolls leave me feeling bloated, salty and unfulfilled

    I want this on a t-shirt.

  • I couldn’t even read the whole thing on that one.

    Let you in on a little secret. I just searched for “Yelp!” “sushi” “ass” and I crushed everyone.

    I’m telling you my secret because the worse it gets, the more we win.

    There is something else.

    FTW, I believe.

  • “jive ass” my ass. Translate this one, BRO

    Ok, so I’m not a hipster. But this is the only place that took me back to the eikawa days in good ol’ Shimokitazawa. It encapsulated the wackiness and sheer goodness of my 1.5 years of experience of Tokyo. Most Izakayas there are like this, and god, do I miss the food and the atmosphere that only can be created by gaudy-kitschy ornamentals.
    I remember that most of the staff were from all over Japan, and I even made a Kansai-jin make me a natto roll! I know! Unbelievable, huh? I wish I could’ve been at the soubetsukai to bid them my farewell . *Tear*


  • Also, in the Department of The Incredibly Low Bar of Happiness, the award goes to:

    For years I have been seeking a way to use the words “fish monger” in a conversation. Last night I finally hit the verbal jackpot at Red Box sushi. As I was wolfing down another maki roll, I said to my girlfriend, “I wonder who the chef’s fish monger is because this is really great fish.” My life is now complete. I can die happy because I actually used “fish monger” in a sentence.

  • So Firefox 3.0 has a bug in reloading the page and allowing comments. I will not let that defeat me. At worst, we are all Golden, at best Mandos might squeak K for the Bronze, with K’s sad second place coming in silver. Listen to the 3B anthem, chunderclumps!

    If I had the heart, I would have rick rolled you there, but that is ce n’est pas de troisieme des boillions.

  • Whoa nelly!

    You know I thought I did a review for this originally but I guess not…So, come here for lunch folks best time to go is around 11:30am when the restaurant opens because it gets packed. The food here is pretty good, not a whole lot but also nothing fantastic. Best thing to get here is probably the lunch bentos…the rolls and sashimi aren’t worth it, better to go somewhere else for that. It’s just kind of a showy FiDi spot for business men to take their clients, maybe cop a little geisha at the end for a little happy ending…

    Now, the best time to come here and people watch is during happy hour: THIS BAR IS KNOW FOR YOUNG “MI RUV YOU RONG TIME” AND NASTY OLD WHITE DUDES GETTING TOGETHER. I swear to Jesus I have never been to a place with more white dudes and their asian beaver fever counterparts…with a significant age difference. I swear to god I hear lines from Full Metal Jacket like, “you get girlfriend Vietnam baby?” ‘Twas pretty damn amazing if you ask me…oh and if you’re lucky you’ll get hit on by this nasty guy who’s a janitor that claims he’s a doctor…but, that’s only if you’re lucky.

    You SF people.

  • Persimmons (kaki) are finest on Kudayama during late summer…

  • Well, at least someone noticed.

  • Mandos, did that review have any single non-contradictory statement in it???

  • Oh Mandos, that was a gold mine:

    “I met a friend here for happy hour, as she claims it is her favorite sushi place in the city. It’s a pretty nice place, dark, candlelit, opens to the outside. However, these are the kinds of places that worry me–useully these kinds of restaurants rely more on their “cool” decor and overprice food, rather than focusing on creating great flavors.

    Essentially happy hour on the Thursday that I went, was a complete Sausagefest. I walked in and I felt the record player scratch as every dude in the place swiveled his head 180 degrees to stare at the fresh meat that entered the door. As I proceeded to scan the room for my friend, their hungry eyes followed me all the way to my seat.

    Once settled in, I was greeted by the douchiest of douche bag bartenders. I ordered my drink from him, but he didnt acknowledge that I placed my order. We tried to order food from him, he ignored us. When we tried to get our last-call drinks before happy hour ended, he ripped the menu away from us. Um, k. Luckily there was another (friendlier lady) to help us out.

    I’m giving this place 3 stars because the food is pretty good, especially the appetizers, and because I had a good time catching up with my friend. It’s pricey, however, and the crowd is very Marina-esque, so I doubt I’d go out of my way to come here again. I’d probably go for happy hour again though…but only if someone esle suggested it.”

  • Pinko – Firefox 2 had that same bug. At least here.

  • the people who give 3 stars after ripping a place always amaze me.

  • three stars:

    Well, Tokyo Sushi was not on my shit list until yesterday. Before yesterday, I would occasionally enjoy their fried chicken thingy (i think its called lemon chicken) and the occasional pre-packaged warm sushi, but yesterday OMG, me and my gay had the spicy tuna roll. Needless to say that me and my friend looked as if we had just finished our fluffer shift down in the Valley. OK, so you say “well that is not the restaurant’s fault, you guys had allergies or something” well, you have a point, but it turns out that we are NOT allergic to shellfish or any type of fish people!!!! we are puzzled…..well, ok, other than that, i am not too excited about their hygiene in there, their sushi is WARM and that sashimi has been sitting there, under those hypnotic mall lights for who knows how long (TIP: after 8:30 pm you can go in there and buy “old” sushi for half the price). Anyway, food is what u expect from a mall, just DONOT eat the sushi!! raw food and mall just dont go together. Also, are those Mexicans in the kitchen? hey! oye, lavate las manos cochinos! casi nos matan a mi y a mi amigo!

  • That is the worst. Kathleen f***ing wins. I submit that the conspiracy theory RE: jive ass sushi is still pretty good.

    Md- You can’t comment twice in a row without reloading the page, that is the default of the commenting system. In Firefox 3, reloading the page doesn’t let you comment again, you have to go away from the page and come back.

  • Yes, I thought Kathleen won right at about “fluffer shift”. Sheesh.

  • fluffer shift:

    the lowering and raising in pitch that occurs as a fluffer approaches and recedes from (respectively) an intervention event

  • Yes, Kathleen wins. Fluffer shift, complete random racism, rating that doesn’t match the review, and assuring that the reviewer did not have an allergy to “fish people.”

  • Contest. Victor. Spoils?

  • Hey, Snag, you can change your underwear now because the boys finally lost.

  • I was picturing a M√ł√łsian Junk Muff, but I see where I went wrong.

  • M√ł√łsian Junk Muff

    Dear Pinko,

    Send screen wipes.



  • Possibly the most verbose rant on a coffee-shop on Yelp:

    True Love Coffeehouse

    Category: Coffee & Tea
    2 star rating
    While I’m generally not one to pee in the punchbowl, I–unlike so many reviewers– find myself entirely anesthetic to the supposed charms of this establishment. I didn’t grow up here and never went to the original True Love location. I never eased my teen angst over a game of Connect Four, or softened the blow of a bad break-up by matching wits with an aspiring poet. I have never read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. What is more, such prospects do little to excite a person of advancing years.

    So, when I drink the coffee, I don’t taste the nostalgia. What I DO taste hardly leaves me wanting more, and, even if it did, the curiously high prices would prevent me from acting on the impulse. The coffee and espresso drinks are average, and the hot chocolate a travesty. One star for the patio, and another for the customer friendly hours. The rest is a mystery to me.

    I have much to say about the open mic events that True Love so proudly advertises, but most of it is obvious enough to leave unsaid. I will only say that the harm caused by these unpleasant occasions is evident to all, and the good they are alleged to advance is exceedingly remote. I confess that I have terribly bad associations with songwriter’s nights, poetry nights, amateur nights, speaker’s corners, open mics, and anything else that provides a public forum for the untrained, inexpert, and immature to spew their bile at an unsuspecting audience. So, take the following with the proverbial grain(s) of salt.

    It is unclear to me why we tolerate the jejune braying of these bestubbled, angst-ridden solipsists, and even less clear to me why we need institutions that encourage it. I have heard enough histrionic ditties about George Bush, the Iraq war, and unrequited love to last several lifetimes. At True Love, these furious harangues are inevitably accompanied by a strident and cacophonous jangling that splits the ear, pierces the mind, and grieves the soul. The whole spectacle is starkly idiotic, distasteful, irritating, preposterous, insipid, and embarrassing–enough to bemuse the vulgar and make the judicious despair. True Love gets minus a bazillion stars for promoting this malignancy on the culture.

    PS–$5 minimum for credit card charges.

    Cranky, insular, and uses “jejune” in a description that would fit the review itself quite well.

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