The Return of Content

We’re back in the saddle. Just have an unoriginal post in the form of the passed-on conversation between two apparently close friends/partners. This trope has been a staple/stand-by of the entertainment media for eons. It will be followed by an audience query/poll. Noted practitioners of the “funny story” or “anecdotal conversation” include BG, Snag, and Jennifer and their straight men and women

GC and I were outing and abouting as can be our weekendly wont. Since it was sun and fun, I proposed we hit the [unpaid product placement] for a soft-serve cone. Fine, my economic blackmail of the redacted corporation must falter in the face of a true confession- it was McDonald’s and I love their soft serve. The boys were riding in the back soaking in the sights. We did drive-through, but the cone producer was not yet a master, nay he or she was but an apprentice and the cones were lopsided and misshapen.

I made a snap decision that we would just park and eat them in the car because this was a mess that was waiting to happen.

I might go to town on my creamy lover, but I’m not going cause a traffic problem. Anyhow, even with the misshapen mess, McDonald’s ice cream is dispensed with convenient ridges so that one’s tongue might find purchase, instead of the frictionless spheroids of Dairy Queen’s product. If DQ’s serve weren’t served just so, any imbalance might lead to your tongue flying off the mark willy nilly.

GC: “Whoa, how are you eating yours so fast?”

PP: “I don’t want it to melt all over.”

GC: “And get the cone soggy?” [totally implied BG slam, I KNOW IT PP adds parenthetically]

PP: “I don’t want it to come to that, no.”

I look over and witness just pitiful technique.

PP: “You’re going the wrong direction. It’s just all wrong.”

GC: “What do you mean?”

PP: “You are going up and down. Go this way” [I exhibit the correct left to right, with a flourish at the end so as not to BG it- anything else is totally BGing it]

GC: “Like this?” [exhibits a right to left, no fluorish]

PP: “No, the other direction.”

GC: “Hey, did I cut myself?” (points at red spot on ice cream).

PP: “Not necessarily. It could be someone else’s blood.”

GC: “Eww. Come on.”

PP: “You never know. Could be.”

GC: “Gross.”

PP: “Did you cut yourself on the cone?” [Ice cream cone tongue cut. It hurts to think about it]

GC: “Loo ah ma tonhh- Ah didh”

PP: “Ow. You did.”

—–some more patter—–

GC: “Do you remember when kids had birthdays at school you were allowed to bring in treats?”

PP: “Yeah.”

GC: “Actual baked goods? You know, that someone actually made?”

PP: “Yeah.”

GC: “And it could even have a peanut in it because this was before everyone was allergic.”

PP: “Yeah.”

GC: “Remember those cupcakes that were baked in ice cream cones, and had frosting and sprinkles to make it look like they were ice cream cones?”

PP: “Uh, no.”

GC: “What? What do you mean?”

PP: “I have never had what you are talking about. We didn’t have those. Did you have those?”

GC: “It seemed like almost everytime! And the stupid cone wouldn’t be crunchy anymore and it’s not an ice cream cone so stop trying to make it look like an ice cream cone because it’s just stupid.”

PP: “No seriously, how often did someone bring something like that?”

GC: “It seemed like every week.”

PP: “Are you sure it wasn’t one mom who brought them one time?”

GC: “YES. They were so stupid.”

PP: “We didn’t have those.”

I was going to throw this out to the public, but I see that Betty Crocker feeds the conspiracy.

Maybe GC got there first, check out this suspicious review:

I tried the recipe and I hated it. The cone was very tuff and like rubber I would never make them again. Unless you glue them down they keep tipping over. NOT GOOD

21 Responses to “The Return of Content”

  • Yikes! A tongue injury from improper ice cream lickage! That’s what you get, I suppose. Honor the ridge! If you don’t… well, all I can say is your tongue will pay.

    I remember those cupcake/cones. They were kind of cute to look at, but eating them… it was disappointing. They were tough and yes, they were top-heavy. I think it was the ice cream cone’s way of getting back for cake stealing its thunder in the ice cream cake which may or may not really be a cake, but really just a block of ice cream.

  • I have a weakness for McD’s soft serve too! It has a…unique, in a good way…taste. I wonder what drugs they’re putting in it.

    I also like DQ, of course, especially DQ blizzards with a Skor bar. Baskin Robbins has been trying to muscle in on that territory lately, with soft serve with mashed Heath bars.

  • You are really edging into dangeral territory, taunting the Glue Birl Baking Consortium and Crime Syndicate like that.

    Look at what happened to a DEER that taunted her! I shudder to think of what happened to her anti-arboreal neighbor. Haven’t heard about HIM in a while, have we?

    I suggest you go into Protective Custardy.

  • Too right, Rotten. If PP is going to testify like that, we need to call in the US Marshmallows.

  • No, I think this really is a job for the Federal Burrito of Investigation.

  • I meant to add this:

    GC: “Jennifer will know what I am talking about. Jennifer will KNOW what I am talking about.”

  • The July flavor of the month at McD’s is always Broken Glass Surprise. The surprise is that it’s made with actual broken glass.

  • Oh Brando,

    the flavor was hemoglobin, but it was a DIY.

    Please do not disparage the McD soft serve. I love love love it. It is one of three things that are truly wonderful at the Arches.

  • 🙂 Yes, I did.

  • McD flavor of the month: dulce de lingua

  • The soft serve is good. I dig their hot fudge sundaes. And of course I am a McMuffin zombie.

  • Did they ever put a “Don’t Drive” warning on any of their breakfast sandwiches?

    The b-day cake used to be pretty tasty, especially at 3am… frozen or not.

  • I am aware of all McDonald’s traditions.

  • Cupcake cones were my favorite treat to bring on my birthday in elementary school. That’s why my mother hated my birthday so much.

  • In Sparta, children were taught to file the edges of their cones to razor sharpness before they would be given any ice cream. Then they had to eat the ice cream quickly enough that the cone was still sharp enough to cut their tongues. Anyone who failed to cut their tongue had their Microchloropodosfaires privileges taken away and possibly a finger. That we don’t still do this explains why America is not respected and feared as it should be.

  • Anyone who failed to cut their tongue had their Microchloropodosfaires privileges taken away and possibly a finger.

    I thought their tongue was taken out and there was where the term “Cone of Silence” came from.

  • PP you were playing Russian Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia Roulette!!! One day you will lose that dangerous game of chance. Will it have been worth it?

  • and there was where the term

    that was where…

  • The Uncanny Canadian

    For the record, I too have never heard of a cupcake ice cream cone, although in the far off distant land of my yore, our cupcakes were known to have rich buttery fudge toppings with multicoloured sprinkles. Starkly in contrast to the chocolate cupcake varietals purchasable in Boston.

    I can’t comment on GC’s tonguing techniques, but I like to make double helices on my soft serve ice cream cones. Totally against the grain and non-unidirectional. It might cause PP’s head to spontaneously microchloropodosfairesize.

    Why must McDonald’s constantly degrade us?

  • It might cause PP’s head to spontaneously microchloropodosfairesize.

    You could sell tickets for that…

  • I always brought meat treats for my birthday. Venison bars. Caramel covered jerky. Chocolate covered chicken strips.

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