The New Gluttony

–>Thanks to Cobag mart (Wal, K, Tar, anywhere), I can now buy cheap, crappy Halloween candy starting two months before the actual Satanic holiday. Just how many Trick or Treaters do they expect us to have? Millions. Of course the cabal of Big Sugar, Big Pharma and Big Dentistry are having a three-way of hate on this bad boy, because this is nothing but a diabetes-cavity axis of awesome. That being said, it has occurred to me that the Cheesecake Factory and The Double have been surpassed. That’s right my friends. Crapping out the old candy while eatin’ the new batch. Keeps your candy levels from dropping perilously below Oinkity Doink levels. You cobags are already doin’ it, don’t be candy coy.
“Oh Yosefina, my teeth done hurt from ma breakfast. Why do we have to have Dr. Thunder with our Nestle Crunch cereal? I just want some normal cheerios for once…with…with milk.”

“Quiet, Yosef Jr. Jr. Don’t wakey Daddy. He done been carousing last night on the majic light box with the spirits named Gavin and Brad.”

23 Responses to “The New Gluttony”

  • I still think you gotta watch out for Big Oatmeal and Wilford Brimley. They are the ones behind this whole thing to try to make more people eventually have to buy Oatmeal.

  • It could be worse than our beloved Super K: have you seen Costco, BJs or evil Sam’s Club year round, let alone during pagan holiday celebrations?! Scary, very scary. It frightens me as much as a woman who drives a mini-van with New Hampshire plates.

  • So today PP is making his first solo trip to Target. EVER! It is probably his 3rd in total to Target. I have a feeling I’ll get a call to come pick him up from the candy aisle as he was found blubbering and “swimming” in a melted chocolate puddle.

  • AG you know what scares me even more? 92 lbs Moms in their low rider pants in a giant Expedition. I swear they are sitting on 3 telephone books and have blocks taped to the pedals just so they can drive.

  • F**king Big Dentistry. Those a**holes get it on both sides. The reap the benefit of all the rotten teeth post-Halloween AND they get rich off the bastards who hand out toothbrushes to trick or treaters (at which point Big….Egg, I guess, then benefits from the retaliation of said trick-or-treaters, or shall I call them tick-AND-treaters). There all in it together.

  • you should send him to the target in albany – they have an escalator for your cart!

  • Low riders are pretty scary too!

    Worse yet is what is in those unrespectable mini-Vs: children with TPT names that are well thought out:
    Madison, Montannah and Mykelleh. I heart the baby book titled, “Beyond Madison and Montana” for putting the name game on the level. Even if it does rip Uncanny and myself on the ‘kosher curve’.

    Anyone who names their child Michael and it involves either a ‘y’ or ‘k’ should be forced in exile to the Yukon with no McDonalds, Wal-Mart, mini van dealers, prayers in school, the stupid “my child was student of the month at x middle school” bumper stickers, parental ratings of movies and CDs, Congress people who support the ban on soft porn junk mail from the Adam and Eve catalog, forced Christianity and the stupid plastic Santas that have NOTHING to do with the birth of their Christ, Cosmo Magazine, Panera, Discovery Zone or Dr. Phil advice on how to raise your “oh so perfect little 3D DNA”. .

    I got issues with middle-America mothers and their pagan holidays.

    PP: How can you go to Target? You are shaking hands with the enemy. This is very uncool. Target won’t dispense Plan B, a.k.a. chemical abortion in a bottle, OR birth control in the pharmacies. Shame on you for going there unless to use the bathroom in which case leave up the seat and feel free to hit the wall and floor. (Sorry GC, I am lady-like until it comes to the Target and Wal-Mart issue).

  • Sorry, the last post belongs to Adorable Girlfriend. Blogger dislikes me. ūüôĀ

  • Nice rant, AG!

    Have you checked out this website?

  • Thanks Yo! I just cannot deal with red-state-mentality!

    I am guessing you and Ms. Yo checked out the site before naming the children.

  • AG, we are all over the Plan B controversy on the interwebs, but WalMart doesn’t even stock Plan B at any of its stores, and I needed some palstic crap for lab. Lab takes precedence.

    We hate Tar-ungay anyway, and plan on banning them from the oil platform if they try to join us.

    Jiminy crickets I though Three Bulls! turned in Kos for a sec there!

    Three Bulls! does have standards and we are pissed at Target, and we rip parents for lame names, but we pull those punches just in case Commenter number 354 has been unfortunately named beyond their control.

  • Well hell, I’m pissed at Target too, but where am I gonna get cheap shit? WalMart? No thanks. I’m poor, but not that poor. Costco? I don’t need that much of anything.

    Also, I’m glad someone else is all over the insideous evil that is the CHeesecake Factory, forcing 3 appetizers and an obscenely large entree down my eat-hole every time I walk in that joint. Bastards.

  • I am guessing you and Ms. Yo checked out the site before naming the children.

    We did, but with 27 it gets tough to come up with names that aren’t on that list, so we just started calling them by their number. You should see little 24! He can already bring me my beer and open it all by hisself!

  • But the real question is did you name the ones that have names something good, such as:

    Yo, MTV Raps!

  • Yeah, but I think we made a mistake when we named the 10th one Yokel. Everybody seems to make fun of him for that name.

  • I’ll always have a soft spot for little Yo’diggity.

  • Don’t forget her twin sister, Yo’doubt.

  • and they pushed off daylight savings, and now it’ll be dusk when the kids are out.

    how scary is that?

  • I hope you named one Yobag. Thread spelunking means never having to say you’re sorry.

  • Hee hee, I’m gonna have to use that, t!

  • DB is right.

    I never even read this post until now, but the Power Of Posting Style compels me!

  • We have to have a new gluttony now? What was the problem with the old gluttony?

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