Science fails U again

1) I just discovered that the French for “snowy plover” is “gravelot à collier interrompu“. Which no doubt translates as “abortive attempt to empty a coal freighter onto a burial site”.

This is clear defamation on the part of the French. I am aware of no plover in possession of a coal freighter who would allow such a commission to go unfinished.

No doubt the French for “taxonomist” is “tchieundère-mouphaine”.

2) Where is my car with a turbot engine?

Forget flying cars — as the 50s teaches us, the most important part of any car is fins. Therefore it’s obvious that the fins should be in the engine where they can do the most good. When you open the hood the of a car, there ought to be flatfish staring back you, just waiting to give you the freedom of the open road.

3) Notice anything wrong with this list?

Of course you do: no moose! Thus the perverse priorities of scientists are revealed yet again.

Note that they have cloned ferrets. That means there could be a standardized ferret for ferret curling. There’s only one problem: who ever heard of curling with a frakkin’ ferret? I mean, sure, there’s “ferret legging”, and also that bit of the Laws of Cricket (Law 5, §9.xlvii, I think) that allows for “the use of a ferret as a replacement ball if the standard issue ball is a) rendered irretrievable by a spacetime anomaly, or b) eaten by a badgerA further section defines “badger” as “all those creatures listed in the section ‘On Baddgers’ in the 6th Earl of Gravelotham’s 1523 Hountsman’s Lawes.” This includes “Baddgers, stoattes, dormice:-common, New World terrappins, hedgewhigs, Tyggers, parsnips, dormice:-flame Brething, the Earl of Molemensbury, & ferale terriers:-of wieght one-halfe to 1 and two-third stone.” There is a note that the measure for “stone” is the one in use in Hertfordshire at the time, not the more recent standardized unit. Also, as no one has determined what his Lordship meant by a “hedgewhig”, nothing going by that name counts for purposes of this rule.“, but curling?

On the other hand, all attempts to establish moose curling as an international sport have floundered solely on the lack of agreement on a standard for moose. There is thus a far greater need for a standardized moose than a standardized ferret.

The director of the Bank of Molemensbury has indicated an interest in funding such a project. However, actually releasing any funds would require first finding a way to end the century-and-a-half long siege of the bank by flaming dormice.

19 Responses to “Science fails U again”


  • Not just a turbot engine, but some sub-woofers to play the bass.

  • Forget flying cars — as the 50s teaches us, the most important part of any car is fins.

    I’m guessing you won’t be getting an argument from fish on this one.

  • Also missing from the cloning list is zebrafish. But as far as I know, they are only used in Australian rules Curling.

    BTW, not only is there a turbot car, it has value added rhino.

  • Actually, ferrets are used to introduce more complex spin into a curling stone, allowing for the rare overhand in-turn triple-takeout shot.

    Instead of sweeping, the curlers taunt the opponents’ ferrets in their plexiglass terrariums.

  • It’s not just curling that’s affected. Mooseputting is also at risk of losing it’s Olympic status.

  • Here’s the context for the Turbot-Rhino.

    As regards flatfish powered vehicles, Detroit, Japan, and Germany have all been bested by the Belgians. What’s next — little grey fuel cells?

  • MenD —

    I thought they solved the problem with the ferrets by calibrating the ferret compartment in the curling stone to the angular momentum of a given ferret?

    I realize that the CCA model ferretifuge was found to be easily hackable, but there are reliable devices for determining the upper bound of L for a ferret.

    But the venerable practice of putting “ferret English” (the English, after all, are always finding interesting venues for stashing ferrets) on a curling stone, is hardly commensurate with “ferret curling”, which until well after the Act of Proscription remained grounds for expulsion from many Scottish clans.

  • who is U and why is science failing it so repeatedly.

    does the problem lie with U or science itself?

    based on the available record, i think it’s all science’s fault.

  • fish: even recent advances in cloning have not been able to create a standardized ferret.

    The Scots would know a thing or two about skirting the rules, seeing as soccer was once (and still may be) illegal.

    And putting “English” on a shot is hardly prohibited; it just gets more complicated when ferrets are introduced. Hence the expression, “to throw a wobbler.”

  • MenD:

    1) I am not fish. (For which he is presumably thankful.)

    2) My point was that a standardized ferret (as opposed to a standardized moose) wasn’t even needed.

    3) My other point was that “ferret English” was the usual use of ferrets in curling. (And that a compartment in a curling stone is probably one of the more innocuous places the English have found to store a ferret. Especially a rotating one.)

    4) My other other point was that it is “ferret curling” — not “ferret English” — that is the historical equivalent of three-week-old haggis.

    5) My other other other point would have been, if it did not require the intervenience of your comment for me to have thought of it, that putting a ferret in a skirt does not really improve its usefulness as a curling stone (though it may help when one is used as a cricket ball).

    6) I agree that the Scots probably know a thing or two about keeping the authorities off kilter.

  • It depends on whose skirt you put the ferret into. I could see a lot of benefits if you put a ferret in Ashley Simpson’s skirt.

  • Gravelot:

    Apologies. I had a different, more volatile comment for fish but it was removed by preemptive CAPTCHA.

    CCA-sponsored research indicates that the angular momentum intrinsic to ferrets (measured, naturally, in microferrets) has a nearly negligible effect, but can we really take their word for it?

  • I thought I understood, but now I know I just don’t know a thing.

    Classically L = r x p

    So L(ferret) should naturally equal:

    A French iron moistened or soaked in order to soften and separate the fibers by partial rotting from Anne’s (Hathaway?) featherless skin under the neck on birds with Molybdenum protruding chins?

    whaaaaaa?!?!?!1!?

    Fer ret Anne gular Mo mentum

    OMG! I’m so confused.

    Science might fail us all, but root beer never does – *burp*.

  • ???:

    You may have something there. I’m sure having one’s fibers separated by partial rotting is all the rage in Hollywood these days, though I was unaware that the process could be improved by a molybdenum catalyst. However, it is clear that the French are to blame. Again.

  • Gravelot:
    *sigh*

  • If I were a gravelot, I’d sigh too.

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