Nobody Expects Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2010 Tracks 100-21

Sit in the comfy chair. You will need it.

Special editorializing by UC. Very provocative, but less humor than usual.

100. These New Puritans “We Want War”
PP says:Just when I get done giving UC a pep talk about performing the PCW this year, I see two things that do not bode well “over seven and a half minutes” and Tom Ewing. (Video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIfKqgWPVvk, Pfork only gives a snippet) A weird hybrid of organic monotony. The offspring of Front 242, but unplugged and growing up with Radiohead and Grizzly Bear records, but with a boy’s choir in their toolbox. Wait, what? The chamber music parts are good, the rest, mehlevolent.

UC adds:

99. Gayngs “The Gaudy Side of Town”
PP says: Creepy with the beatboxing and then the night moves squeezy cheesy quiet storm pipes in with the slow jam on acid. Pointless but OK. Probably maybe more OK if someone touched your wiener (or analogous situation) while it was playing. The saxmosphere is like spray on bong. Sleazy all the way down, Zach. Don’t project.

UC adds:

98. Male Bonding “Year’s Not Long”
PP says:Haha. Punky speed filtered through the trebly guitar fuzz machine seen all over Slumberland records and neo-Jesus and Mary Chain girl groups. Never at this speed. Very your chocolate in my peanut butter, but maybe a little prefabricated. Kind of like, in spite of the high end. OK.

UC adds:

97. Ramadanman “Don’t Change for Me”
PP says:Ear seizures might be on order. The proggier amongst might enjoy the well-produced beat, but Larry Fitzmaurice’s purple prose drives me to distraction. I have little interest in Ra-meh-danman. I will give on credit that this track could be good to fans of the genre, but LF is in the running for the Grayson Currin award.

UC adds:

96. Diplomats “Salute”
PP says: About a slightly twisted but pretty decent repetitive club beat that is only percentages less generic than what passes as automat level beat shopping, David Drake besplooges this track being “is exceptional, though, for its anthemic production, which announces the triumphant return of New York’s own brand of eccentric regional rap. MPC wizard Araabmuzik’s screaming, twisted spinwheel beat is the sound of holes being torn in the stratosphere, fueling a comeback that both sustains the reunited crew’s buzz while testifying to their continued relevance.” Relevant to what, David, and continuing how? Please Ess Tee Eff You. More than passable track with standard dripping misogyny and the occasional quirky line.

UC adds:

95. Ty Segall “Girlfriend”
PP says: Ultra retro hybrid of power pop through a low fi crack in some punkers garage. Garage band but more propulsive a sped up reduced fidelity more primal Dandy Warhols maybe. AWESOME.

UC adds:

94. Kelis “Acapella”
PP says:I need to be honest. I love this song. Producer David Guetta was all over a number of bouncy radio friendly dance tracks over the last two years. He just lets Kelis lord over this like Donna Summer. Very clean, without histronic Black Eyed Peas. It would be both fun and easy to dance to, meaning you wouldn’t feel like you were either being punished or taking a f*cking coolness test. Extremely retrograde, maybe would only be played in mommy/daddy aerobics along with Dead or Alive “You Spin Me Right Round” and Popcorn.

UC adds:

93. Freddie Gibbs “National Anthem (Fuck the World)”
PP says: Freddie can definitely flow, but I just think about the P-fork holiday party and the inevitable crowd bounce with those dudes talking about “Detroit thuggin” and raising their Solo cups of ironical Natty Light. Sadzoes.

UC adds:

92. Matthew Dear “You Put a Smell on Me”
PP says: Direct descendant in attitude of Revolting Cocks’ cover of Rod Stewart’s “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy”, a thudding ultrahard floor banger tribute to a skeeveball. Monotonous but danceable. UC will be praying for sweet death, so I think he won’t even use the gimme “You Put a Smell on _ _ _.” Totally fine for what it is, but a track for the novelty bag.

UC adds:

91. Liars “Scarecrows on a Killer Slant”
PP says:I put this in the indie thump prog pile, a la Battles’ “Atlas”, with that track being infinitely better. Nick Neyland snatches the Currin with some Conan the Barbarian “people head soup and naked lady orgy” level of subtlety and sophistication. Song is aggressively meh, write-up is sweetened with ass-partame. GET IT?????

UC adds:

90. Abe Vigoda “Crush”
PP says:I think this is a reasonable track. I think it would probably be good live. Abe V come across as a less distinct in voice and sound, due to retro-esque sounds and production, version of the Walkmen- but definitely are their own thing. Gets better as it goes. The same cannot be said for Ian Cohen who drops this turd: “It’s also fitting that it shares a title with songs by Jimmy Eat World and Jennifer Paige; at the core of this confusion is something innocent– a crush destined to go unrequited because nothing can match its intensity.” I am reminded of a high school friend who died this year of Pancreatic cancer, and his sarcastic two word questioning reply, said monotonously, isssss itttttttt? Here’s possibly a few hundred songs called “Crush”, I wonder how they are also fitting. What about “Crush (your nuts)” by I’m Coming for You Ian Cohen? Is that also fitting?

UC adds:

89. Usher [ft. Nicki Minaj] “Lil Freak”
PP says:I need to admit to you that Usher is increasingly becoming a prefabricated robot. This song doesn’t suck because of its content- Usher having girl friend number 1 obtaining girl number 2 for special group friend time with Usher- its that its done in such a pathetic straightforward way. Nothing about the ditty suggests that he’s even going to enjoy himself. It is entirely so he can sing about the exploits on record. This ain’t a menage, this is General Foods International French Vanilla. Stupid. Joe Colly leaves this on the table “deep, reverberant bass and orchestral sweep that just gets bigger and bigger as the song progresses.” Uh, if that is what you call crackers these days. Right, crackers (looks at wiener)???

UC adds:

88. DOM “Burn Bridges”
PP says:During the intro, I thought we were headed for Taiwanese karaoke. If the writer here had pulled an Ian Cohen (see above) we’d be talking about the Slaughter classic, apropos, no? This is likely in the chillwave category. Transient, ephemeral, impermanent, fleeting. These words describe the impression this song will have made on my memory. And its over- when did press play? Fine.

UC adds:

87. Perfume Genius “Mr. Peterson”
PP says:Yikes. Tough. Creepy. Sad. Shiver.

UC adds:

86. Glasser “Apply”
PP says:I should have definitely picked up the Fever Ray relation (shared producer with those Scandinavian creepouts), but this is warmer, if still sinister on the edges. Decent and moody. I’m not in love, but Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch cools the blood as it were. Hey, Usher up for robot three way with a toaster, you f***? This is good.

UC adds:

85. Wavves “Post Acid”
PP says:Wavves had a big backlash because the first album was super difficult and sounded like sh*t, plus they road the usual rollercoaster of critical fad to bad. Also, the guy is a little bit of a dick, perhaps it is the massive amount of weed. That being said King of the Beach is awesome, and I think the title track is even better than “Post Acid” but I love “Post Acid.” California weed surf Buzzcocks. Shoulda been higher, great.

UC adds:

84. Gil Scott-Heron “New York Is Killing Me”
PP says:This definitely winds on into your little ear buzz place. Super solid. Seems like Mr. Scott-Heron has been constantly busted for coke the last few bits. I wonder who has done more coke, this dude or Quentin T? I was just musing on the oddness of the world.

UC adds:

83. Surfer Blood “Floating Vibes”
PP says: I do love this album. Last year I think I called them noise-pop The Outfield, and they’ve grown on me since then. One of the better songs from a good album.

UC adds:

82. Spoon “Written in Reverse”
PP says:I felt like Spoon disappeared a little bit into generic-Spooness/minimalism with their latest Transference– either that or the ability of Spoon to stand out but in subtle and restrained ways has been wearing off. The song is excellent, but it leaves me dry, though I might tap my foot in the dust. This is like going from a pre-season #1 ranking to an 8-3 Alabama football team, they’re still pretty good but not as good as you expected, or even if they are, something doesn’t quite work.

UC adds:

81. Forest Swords “Rattling Cage”
PP says:This starts off pretty great- sounding pretty great. Lots of space in there for stuff. I’m not sure I know what the heck Amy Granzin is talking about though. I didn’t get the press kit.

UC adds:

80. The Radio Dept. “Heaven’s on Fire”
PP says:Breezy misanthropy is its own little sub-genre, and this fits right in. The synths get to me in a chintzy way, but I think this is OK. Marc Hogan also dials it back with a non-annoying write up, and kudos.

UC adds:

79. Delorean “Real Love”
PP says:Listening to this in 10 years, I can’t see any redeeming value in this cheap, cold, dead nothing. Derivative to the point that it doesn’t exist. Also, Ian Cohen defends his Masters of Wank in 104 Mitchum, refreshments served 15 minutes after his committee towels off.

UC adds:

78. Die Antwoord “Enter the Ninja”
PP says:The Fork writer establishes a first in admitting that this song is a novelty but not going as far as noticing that this list is always packed to the gills with novelty. Pitchfork is the trendy ice cream shop where the outstanding vanilla or chocolate offerings are not acknowledged, but anchovy and dog shit is fresh and inspired. There is no point to talking about this or considering anything about its relationship to anything, ever. It is better than the Usher track.

UC adds:

77. Rihanna [ft. Drake] “What’s My Name?”
PP says:Check me if this doesn’t sound familiar: “Doing _____ after ______, is about the savviest thing _______ could do.” Rihanna has it- she can do what she wants. This track is not as annoying as her two previous, “Rude Boy” and “Only Girl in the World”, which were basically terrible. I think she not gonna touch “Umbrella” or “S.O.S.” again. Why are we talking about this and why is this song here? So cold. I make you eyes. So cold.

UC adds:

76. Here We Go Magic “Collector”
PP says:The sodium pentathol mussed have be passed around via #78 to here as Pitchfork writes: “Most guitar-based indie bands don’t have anything new to say these days, just vaguely new ways to say them. Retro is a starting point we take for granted– the challenge is making your rehash sophisticated and seamless.” How about “most indie-based music review sites don’t have anything new to say these days, just vaguely new ways to say them.” or “most blog based reviews of indie-based music review site year-end lists don’t have anything new to say these days, just vaguely new ways to say them.” Touché, assholes. The song is fine, nothing to discuss on the bus with gus. Seriously, I’m gonna Yoda out of this thing early- forever sleep if this keeps up.

UC adds:

75. Toro Y Moi “Blessa”
PP says: Animal Collectivey in the best sounding way. Effervescent, ephemeral, exceptional. E-words. Quite nice. Listening to it washes the soul clean of Brandon Soderbergs musicobarf. No, literally, after he actually barfs on the manifestation of your soul, which is a shapeless, weightless little unique snowflake thing in a jar or perhaps large envelope, with refrigerator magnet words tumbling out of his maw in some hallucinatory Aronofsky on-the-nose psychodrama where things seem to actually turn into other things, this song will make you feel better.

UC adds:

74. Sade “Soldier of Love”
PP says:Sade can do what she/they want to do- this is nothing for people to comment or discuss. You will consume and find acceptable or pleasing. I would have tweaked a few things here of there to heighten the contrast between her languid voice and the more martial production. Jesus, STOP TALKING, PINKO.

UC adds:

73. Wild Nothing “Chinatown”
PP says:Decent, maybe even pretty good. Don’t let the write-up ruin it because if you read that first you might be expecting a bicycle ride with your creamy lover.

UC adds:

72. No Age “Glitter”The fuzz noise punkers fliter their squall through what sounds like some LCD Soundsystem records. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
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mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm < this wasn't on purpose. I think I fell asleep with my finger on the "m" key. But since I did, is it really too much to type "e" and "h"? UC adds:

71. Salem “King Night”
Pinko Punko says:

{-(O)-}
This ASCII Tie Fighter is going to blow up Grayson Currin, the band Salem, and Pitchfork cobbagery relates to “Editor’s Note: This review contains a list of the various names that have been used to describe the music of SALEM and/or other similar artists, among them “drag” and “witch house.” It originally also listed “rape gaze”, a term coined by Michigan band CREEP, as formerly listed on their MySpace and reported in the New York Press. The band today disowned the phrase and will no longer be using it, expressing to The Village Voice, they “would never want to advocate sexual violence against any human being. It was a play on words which we never expected to be used as an actual genre*.” *You underestimated the depths of the inanity of sh*theads.

UC adds:

70. NDF “Since We Last Met”
Pinko Punko says: Ooh, 11 minutes. UC is hating me like I ate the last hunk of babka. If this were 11 minutes of Destroyer being weird and hypnotic I might be safe. I’m wistful for a Philip Sherburne review, as this might be his usual bag, but David Drake is yanking our chain about “elusive poignancy” and “contradictory emotions.” I can’t stand the music, but the voiceover is actually OK, it would be easier to handle if I were sedated.

UC adds:

69. Woods “Suffering Season”
Pinko Punko says: Interestingly- I know Ripfork hates when you play band recipe mix and match, but this is latter day Shins+Rogue Wave+even more reverb and chimeyness, maybe a tiny bit of Neutral Milk Hotel. It refreshingly doesn’t only just not suck, it is actually good. Well done, lads.

UC adds:

68. Kingdom [ft. Shyvonne] “Mind Reader”
Pinko Punko says:Like a Basement Jaxx tribute album cutting room casualty. Should have sampled “The Running Man” and you would have had me at the first second. Who loves you and who do you love! I guess it is OK.

UC adds:

67. Drake “Over”
Pinko Punko says:Soderberg gets it about Drake, he kind of sucks, but he sounds good and you can easily drop along in the car “last name ever, first name greatest” etc. etc. Except for the fact that Forever was a billion times better than this and Pitchfork was too cool for that last year. P-fork deserves a Meh-C like Drake.

UC adds:

66. The National “Bloodbuzz Ohio”
Pinko Punko says:Even without the kind of similar feel, the new National album has a murkiness to the production that reminds me of the odd murkiness to the production of Arcade Fire’s the Suburbs”, add that a kind of similar charging and tempo, this is a deceptively great National tune that seems to be missing some little piece. I feel like something holds this back, but it could be every other song on this list and that would be an improvement from what we have, so well done National.

UC adds:

62. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists “Bottled in Cork”
Pinko Punko says:I’m not here to define punk. Ted Leo maybe is punk, or maybe he’s just Anglophilic American pub rock washed of Bruce tendencies. The song is OK and Jason Crock writes a non-crock to describe it. Boat is not floating, but also not sinking.

UC adds:

61. Tyler the Creator [ft. Hodgy Beats] “French”
Pinko Punko says:Hyperbolically, irredeemably offensive shock rap detailing rape and homophobic garbage. The Fork admits as much, which is a step forward for them, but they put it on their list, so minus a billion you pathetic sh*theads. Seriously- worry less about invisible or non-existent criticism for not-engaging with such easy provocation and more about legitimizing it with your bully pulpit. “Pinko Punko/ rap rape ain’t funny/even if your drunko/I hope Pitchfork gets brain damage/wearing my stainless steel ball sack/as a shit hat.” 10 months later “No. 99, the pathetically inept and puerile criticism shock rap of P. Punko, abhorrently targeting this very publication for death, scabies and hotlunches, crosses the line of even hyperbolic wrongdoing. The sad instance of personalizing response to criticism embarrassingly memorialized in blip-beat compu-hop. Essential for what not to do, but for a few seconds this track shines in its terribleness.” [PP adds some more: seriously, you f*cks, “undeniable”? You f***ing lemmings]

UC adds:

60. Panda Bear “Slow Motion”
Pinko Punko says:“An entire generation of weirdos” get namechecked by Sam Hockley-Smith as every morning Panda Bear wake-and-bakers. I’m not convinced that this class of people constitutes a generation, but an entire generation of P. Punko is annually enraged by cobaggery in indie music criticism. Being a lover of Panda Bear’s Person Pitch, but not necessarily convinced of self-weirdoness, perhaps I’m not the right person to comment here. Minor effort from PB. Not as engaging as Animal Collective’s “What Would I Want Sky” or really any track off of Person Pitch, it doesn’t quite grab or immerse one as one would like. Probable skip on 3B Radio, should it be programmed.

UC adds:

59. Twin Sister “All Around and Away We Go”
Pinko Punko says: Sounds a little like Joanna Newsom cutting a disco track with Sonic Youth guesting in the middle. As novelty disco goes, it is kind of OK and mines a little groove, but doesn’t touch Phenomenal Handclap Band or the muppet video one from a few years back.

UC adds:

58. Oneohtrix Point Never [ft. Antony] “Returnal”
Pinko Punko says: Antony has such a stunning voice, he could guest on Tyler the Creator rape rap and Pitchfork would consider it for the list. Any cover he performs takes on immediate new life. Not as emotional as his usual, and Grayson’s use of “rarely [has Antony] sounded so at home inside someone else’s words” kinds of smacks of bullshit, given that he’s always on this list, many times doing a cover. I’m too lazy to see if Currin reviewed any of those, but I’m not as lazy as this cliché machine. Song is good.

UC adds:

57. The Fresh & Onlys “Waterfall”
Pinko Punko says: The review would not tell you anything about this sort of retro psych-fuzz-country-billy (and awesome too), and how it is merely a very good song played in a fun, enjoyable mode perfectly respectable from any number of local bar band heroes. Instead, I think one would be convinced that new ground was being broken here. It’s nothing new, but it’s very good.

UC adds:

56. Joker “Tron”
Pinko Punko says: Starts off like the Buck Rogers future funk band on downers, then gets to sound like Daft Punk on downers, but with the rearranged beat of whatever this is- dubstep? Too slow to enjoy in a clubby way- maybe enjoyable with alcohol and somebody touching your junk. This is the only way this rises to Nate Patrin’s classic NME-ism of “f*cking bonkers.” Keep your powder dry, dude, you’ve just described the Rowlett, TX Elks Club Flag Day observance as Boston Pops’ 4th of July.

UC adds:

55. Lady Gaga [ft. Beyoncé] “Telephone”
Pinko Punko says: Amy Phillips entirely misses the point. The song is awesome, with the best part being Gaga tricking out her vocals like a busy signal, something most of the kids these days may have never heard, the Akerland-directed Gaga-sploitation video notwithstanding. I look forward to the 54 tracks superior to this from 2010, I’m sure the boundaries of popular and indie music will be blown past, and the music criticism is surely to match their outstandingness.

UC adds:

54. Vampire Weekend “White Sky”
Pinko Punko says: Vampire Weekend at their most Paul Simon. Decent track from an album I like, but “Cousins” and “I Think U R a Contra” are definitely tops here. “Cousins” is more fun, and “Contra” changes up the formula and seems actually sincere.

UC adds:

53. Kendal Johansson “Blue Moon”
Pinko Punko says: Stadium torchsong drums dominate this Big Star cover. Big Star can be so good that as long as you sing with conviction you are half way there. This song continues the motley novelty that always dominates the list, and the surprising fadeout is appropriate for this exercise (I give UC an out right here).

UC adds:

52. Lindstrøm & Christabelle “Lovesick”
Pinko Punko says: A slow burn “Eye of the Tiger” beat grooves under this fun, frenchy sounding phone call from the future past. Enjoyable, but should be a lot more awesome. Missed business.

UC adds:

51. Smith Westerns “Weekend”
Pinko Punko says:Beulah returns chimier and ooh-ooh-oohier. Wall-of-sound overlaid on sunny anglophilia. Chocolate in my peanut butter. Good!

UC adds:

50. Cults “Go Outside”
Pinko Punko says: Rebecca Raber writes some sort of master’s thesis that seems to focus on a bunch of meta crap. Comes across as Polyphonic Spree but chilled out for ice-cream truck good times. Will probably evaporate from my mind before I can describe it further. Un-meh-morable? I don’t even know . Very pleasant.

UC adds:

49. ceo “Come With Me”
Pinko Punko says: Fine. I’m dead inside. I have nothing. Dentist chair electronica. I’m chilled out. I’m asleep.

UC adds:

48. Best Coast “When I’m With You”
Pinko Punko says: Even if this song is about the Wavvves dude, who also released a phenomenal album this year, it is awesome. It is alive and timeless even amidst its retro soaking of reverb. It is a great pop song nailed with the “I hate sleeping alone” outro. Wonderful.

UC adds:

47. Beach House “Walk in the Park”
Pinko Punko says: Jayson Greene describes the song very well- to the point that I believe in my heart we’re listening to the same phenomenal track. I think this is the easiest Beach House song to be enraptured with and listen to over and over in infinite sadness. I know it will wear off sometime, but as of this moment, it still has that thing. So so good.

UC adds:

46. The Knife [ft. Mt. Sims and Planningtorock] “Colouring of Pigeons”
The song is unmistakably The Knife at times, but not ultra-creepy. I think it is quite interesting, but seems likely to be here due to The Knife previously being in fashion and that it is supremely novel. This list as usual has more novelties than a Good Humor truck, and that last line is bad enough either Drake or Eminem could have dropped it this year.

UC adds:

45. Gorillaz “On Melancholy Hill”
Pinko Punko says: Damon Albarn can probably do this in his sleep. Hard to concentrate on song if you watch the video, but it is pleasant and sticky, possible earworm made out of cotton candy.

UC adds:

44. Das Racist “hahahaha jk?”
Pinko Punko says: The delivery here is like Capt. Trollypants, but even more awesome, if that is possible. Awesome.

UC adds:

Waka Flocka Flame “Hard in Da Paint”
Pinko Punko says: I guess there is all sorts of context missing regarding sort of a pile on to Waka Flocka about not being able to rhyme. Who gives a shit. As a rapper of dexterity, he’s terrible. Who cares. You know who is not that good of a rapper? Dr. Dre. Nobody cares. You know who dropped a line this year about window pain? Anyhow, this song sucks but you can see that it is perfect for getting yourself hyped up to go do something where you need to get hyped up. And there is a time and place for that. I have nothing meaningful to say about this, except that I’d be pissed if I were getting my cred shredded by the big boys and the P-fork came along with a well-meaning hug of solidarity and that just kind of destroyed the rest of my cred.

UC adds:

42. Japandroids “Younger Us”
Pinko Punko says: A punky treble rehash of the we’re young and the world is new genre. File with MGMT “Time to Pretend”. I like the part in the middle where they weren’t singing and was hoping it was the outro because it would have been more poignant without the repeat of the refrain. There is some good stuff in here.

UC adds:

41. Deerhunter “Helicopter”
Pinko Punko says: The guy just has it. This song is ethereal and hard to pin down. Very good, and there are even better on the album.

UC adds:

40. Janelle Monáe “Cold War”
Pinko Punko says: Without any backstory, this track comes across as generic and on-the-nose, given the hype about the ambition and eclecticism of this album, and J. Love even describes this as a contrarian pick. I don’t get it. “Tightrope” was a billion times better, and perhaps were many other songs here. You can see why this wouldn’t get any play on the radio, not that I am forming an apologia committee for radio programmers.

UC adds:

39. No Age “Fever Dreaming”
Pinko Punko says: A rock song this straightahead and right to the heart of it doesn’t need the affected lo-fi production. They play this live in my living room and it would still sounds better. I only say this because I think this is a pretty good track and just like Wavves cleaning up a little bit brought out the best of that band, I think No Age could kill the treble a little bit. This is kind of really good.

UC adds:

38. Hot Chip “One Life Stand”
Pinko Punko says: God love Hot Chip. You could put UC, me and George Will in a video and the general public would have a hard time determining who were whorkest (white, dorkest), except Hot Chip somehow make effortless squinky (squiggle, slinky) dance floor masters theses. Like Devo+Pet Shop Boys, ultra dork, but somehow good. They will never top “Over and Over” (like a monkey with a miniature cymbal), but this one is OK.

UC adds:

37. Jay Electronica “Exhibit C”
Pinko Punko says: Nice to hear a keep you on the edge of your seat flow without having to hear about some cinematic misogyny or some other bad deeds. Jay E. kind of effortlessly keeps you holding your breath, but without being flashy. Well done.

UC adds:

36. Arcade Fire “Ready to Start”
Pinko Punko says:I can’t say I don’t like this song. I like it. The entire album sounds incredibly thin, and perhaps this is low quality MP3, but I suspect the CD sounds the same way and I don’t get it. If you wanted to design an Arcade Fire song from a paint-by-numbers book, it would be this one, and it would still look pretty good.

UC adds:

35. Rihanna “Rude Boy”
Pinko Punko says:Unfortunately RiRi decided that instead of cranking out way better than average Top 40 crushers like “Umbrella” or “S.O.S.” she should just sing about f***ing. Boring and stupid.

UC adds:

34. Gold Panda “You”
Pinko Punko says:“It was a pretty big year for abstracted vocal samples and beatific, downtempo collage music, but Derwin Panda was the only producer to turn a second-person pronoun into an anthem. Making a type of music where nuance and detail are paramount, Panda stands out as the producer most willing to bludgeon you with a really kickass sample.” Thanks, doucheforkapedia, this entry matches the community standards for doucheness. I would rather read Christgau trashing my favorite albums of all time with cultured, effortless disdain that listen to the referenced song or read anything written about it. File under: Anthony from Bottle Rocker/water sports.

UC adds:

33. Zola Jesus “Night”
Pinko Punko says:Early 90s Goth visitation. “Goth Torch song” Pfork calls it aptly, but then Amy Philips says a bunch of hyperbolic insanity that would make an NME reviewer blush. I should love this, but it feels too rehash for me. And this is a difficult spot to achive. I think for it to work for me, she needs to have a more off voice- like a Siouxsie Sioux, or the music needs to sound a little heavier, maybe Sisters of Mercy or Skinny Puppy. It really just comes across as Velveeta. Inessential and I think if you discovered it in a mix in the future you would be embarrassed.

UC adds:

32. Robyn “Hang With Me”
Pinko Punko says:The height of Pitchfork Cobaggery. Like a cruel hoax, good ol Robyn never hurt anyone, and she makes inoffensive and catchy pop songs, but is clearly the pawn of an editorial cabal trying to catch some insecure assholes putting her on at their trying to hard apartment party where the Little Smokies are knockoffs, and then make fun of said assholes behind their back. Inexplicable. I would back them to the hilt over Annie, but not Swedish compatriot Robyn, or at least not this track. Rage.

UC adds:

31. Girls “Carolina”
Pinko Punko says: I can’t remember what I said about the two Girls’ tracks from last year, I know one of them was severely forced. Whatever they do do, they make sure it sounds good. Has some echoes of Chameleons UK in a jangly echo-ey tone on some of the guitar, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is exactly what era they were hitting, so pre-shoegaze gaze with some arty post-punky swirl. Then the vocals come in. It is very Girls. I don’t love, but I think it is at least interesting, though I suspect they made it kind of yacht-rocky on the back half as a jagoff, with the finish almost Matthew Sweet stuck on the outro groove. Kicks it up to pretty good.

UC adds:

30. The-Dream “Yamaha”
Pinko Punko says:Sample sounds like the outro of a Simple Minds song. Ultra slick, massive slab of cheese. Disgustingly and embarrassingly terrible, but a weapon of unstoppable terrible awesome. Basically, R Kelly doing Q-Feel’s “Dancing in Heaven”. If there were any class in this outfit, they’d put Miguel’s “All I Want is You” here- killer without killing taste buds. I feel dirty.

UC adds:

29. James Blake “CMYK”
Pinko Punko says: Sample camp, reached by short bus. Eat me.

UC adds:

28. Yeasayer “O.N.E”
Pinko Punko says: Doesn’t really sound like “Ain’t Nothing Going to Break My Stride” but might as well. Very mannered derivative retro, something I should love, but put this in the deeply cynical MGMT camp. Maybe not that bad, but doesn’t break through their self-imposed ghetto that Ra Ra Riot or Vampire Weekend kind of easily slip out of. Blink and its out of style and you are stuck with millions in worthless neo-80s revivalist plastic. Thanks, Pitchfork! I thought this would last forever! Can’t wait until you make me feel useless and shitty for liking it when I don’t really like it in the first place. Are you playing games with me? Is this reverse psychology? What, you hate it? F*ck you, it’s OK.

UC adds:

27. Four Tet “Angel Echoes”
Pinko Punko says:You win. I get it. See next.

UC adds:

26. Cee-Lo “Fuck You”
Pinko Punko says:You said it, Cee-Lo!. CL brings his greatness to a pretty decent track that doesn’t get awesome until he starts doing the baby wah wah crying in the song. By far the best part and elevates the easy “F*** Yous” from cheapness to gloriousness.

UC adds:

25. The Walkmen “Angela Surf City”
Pinko Punko says:The Walkmen revisit their “The Rat”-level exuberance on the dominating 3rd or 4th gear of the song when it gets going. A great and great-sounding song. I know some can have issues with the lead singer’s affectation, but I think he’s relatively straight-ahead here. NYC art-surf rock-a-chime at its best.

UC adds:

24. Teengirl Fantasy “Cheaters”
Pinko Punko says:It starts exactly as you might guess, like a cross between disco and electronic VHS graphic bumper music. Mildly adequate house ass. Nod your head while being ignored at the bar in what might pass for an actual club as opposed to the ones we might hear about in top 40 hip-hop. Unfortunately, it’s a club and you’d like to go and meet someone who really loves you, but you go on your own and you leave on your own and you go home and you want to die. OK.

UC adds:

23. Vampire Weekend “Giving Up the Gun”
Pinko Punko says: You goddamn assholes. “Cousins” is the song that goes here. Everyone do a cousin shot, we’re honorary cousins now. 2:25 of undeniable, instead of the plausibly deniable “Giving Up the Gun.”

UC adds:

22. Rick Ross [ft. Styles P] “B.M.F. (Blowin’ Money Fast)”
Pinko Punko says: so boring i can’t even shift. Put “Gucci Time” by Gucci Mane and I’ll maybe wake up so you can make fun of me for falling for the lazy Swizz Beatz product. At least it’s not boring.

UC adds:

21. Azari & III “Reckless (With Your Love) (Tensnake Remix)”
Pinko Punko says:Slicktified old school rave-bore. Unexceptionally unexceptional.

UC adds:

45 Responses to “Nobody Expects Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2010 Tracks 100-21”


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