Being friends with Jonah Goldberg has its privileges. Yeah, we hate each other, but that’s what binds us together- he’s got the cash and the multi-media empire, I’ve got the brains and you know he’s always had a thing for Geenie C. We just pretend to like each other. Anyway, I’m swilling his VIP room champagne at the club, he thinks he’s teaching me a lesson. He’s trying to be edgy as he passes around a pack of clove cigarettes, although the Magnum PI lighter he got from Tom Selleck at an NRA meet-and-greet is not doing him any favors. Since this part of the club is starting to smell like a god-damned Christmas ham, I decide to check out the rest of the action.
Song: Pure Freak-downlowtooslow. Missy mashed with the androgynous misanthropes Placebo. Is this the mashup that proves you can mix Missy with anything? No, that’s Missy plus some Bach fugue they played earlier.
Either way Brian Molko’s sexual ambiguity is fitting because as I look across the dance floor, I see Chuckles is trying to find some more coats to check so he may continue to ply the coat check “girl” with suspect tips. Where’s his babysitter?
Song: I Need a Spirit Machine-ccc. Norman Greenbaum, the Fabs, Goldfrapp. A killer.
Some conspicuous PDA on the floor- a Josh Duhamel lookalike and a trendo wearing a “librarians do it in the stacks” skirt become interwined. Young love indeed. Oh there’s Fulsome, he’s looking wistfully at the floor although it seems his g-friend wants his nerdly side at full-attention.
How did this get played? What’s going on? I catch AG and Uncanny Canadian (Three Bulls!) sneaking out the door. Well, they’d had their hands all over each other all night, probably headed out of this ham and sausage festival. The first idea that something was amiss was when this song started playing and the tv above the bar stopped playing German Gay-ish semi-porn and started playing Patriots highlights. Oh, I see that Gavin M. and Brad R. have taken over the DJ booth. Looks like it is going to be Tom Brady and the Damned for the rest of the night.
Well they’re doing the balloon drop and another New Years comes and goes. Jonah toasts the troops on his fake gimpy leg thinking of Jenna the whole time. Cheney’s in the back room with the as-of-yet unmoved Ecstacy working Bobby Lightfoot over for channeling a damn good Lester Bangs. Blue Girl’s drinking a tonic with lime cuz she’s gonna take care of everyone’s drunk ass. Troy been passed out in a sea of beef for at least an hour, he’d already had his own ball drop. Res, he hasn’t left his little booth all night, looking both dour at the rest of us and smitten at the same time with his special someone. He’s doing that thing where he gives you a weird, skeptical eyeball. It’s like the eye of Sauron that one.
a and p were of course bickering over a’s scarf left in the cab. p just wants to order a drink but a a) won’t decide and b) want’s to blog about p’s assumed hegemony over a’s drink choice. The Rev. of course merely has to say two not really words in his English accent and he pulls like 20 birds. He’s fit, but by God, don’t he know it.
All the cool kids scored like a million dates and were too cool for this club of miscreants, plus jexter got his eyeball chewed out by a chipmunk. aif is diversifying his portfolio as we speak. Auguste is trying out some poetry on some babe, but perhaps he has forgotten that the poetry already worked and that it is his wife. Halford, Chip and Baby Si-Si are busy building a spaceship with Take 5 bar wrappers while being watched by church police.
I ask Gavin to put on one little tune, one little Happy Monday’s tune, the kids perk up, they hear the guy from Gorillaz’ “Dare”…
Happy New Year, Cobaggos!
We did sneak out of the club. And no ham followed.
Side bar — You’ll be happy to know UC got two take fives for one night of Chanukah and got a Canadian Mr. Big (shut up Chuckles) last night before dinner.
Geez. You liberals are so naive. Yeah, you think it was tonic and lime — you just didn’t see Mannion and me doing endless shots of Lemon Drops with Neddie Jingo as we devised our ingenious plan!
Don’t you remember? Well, probably not now that I think of it.
PP, I think the last thing I saw you doing was throwing the driver of our Hummer limo out the door so you could do donuts in the Toys R Us parking lot.
Anyway — we knew we couldn’t drive, so we had Bobby Lightfoot make Cheney call up his buddies and order us some bright yellow Hummer limos.
Lightfoot threatened him with, ahem, torture — something about him being naked with a bunch of liberals and then taking pictures of it — and Dick made the phone call, no problem.
And, after Dick told his guy on the phone to send two Hummers over — Lightfoot made him sing “Kumba-ya” into the phone.
God, we were rolling on the floor, don’t you remember?
Anyway — I don’t think I should go into the rest over the Internets. Let’s just say it was a total love fest.
OMG, I just remembered something.
Don’t you remember when we pulled up to that one light — and AG thought it would be really funny for all of us to hang out the windows yelling/chanting: “We Love Cheap Gas! We Love Cheap Gas!”
So, we did — and there was just this one Cheech and Chong lookin’ guy standin’ there — and we’re chanting away — and he’s looking at us like we nuts — and as the light changes and we start to take off — Res yells: “Bush Sucks!”
And Cheech and Chong yells back:
“Word!!!”
Remember??????
Auguste is trying out some poetry on some babe, but perhaps he has forgotten that the poetry already worked and that it is his wife.
Oh, man, I knew I shouldn’t have snuck away after she fell asleep. What the hell was in that Martinelli’s, anyway?
And speaking of Patriots highlights: Holy dropkick!
I really can’t wait to hear what happened with Chuckles and Fulsome at the drag show. After we sent the Hummer off the Bay Bridge we had to hoof it back to the city.
is “mr big” canadian for something perverted?
Surprisingly I think it is a non-wiener shaped candy bar. The canaders always wonder why we titter so.
I do love cheap gas and cheap girls.
The Rev. of course merely has to say two not really words in his English accent and he pulls like 20 birds.
Ah, that explains the burning, itching, and strong smell of cottage cheese. For a moment there I thought it was how I was supposed to feel after being linked to on 3Bulls.
(The two words were ‘irregardlessly cromulent’, if anyone was wondering.)
And thanks Pinko!
-The Rev. Schmitt.
Oh man, I love cromulent. LOVE IT.
if by diversifying my portfolio you mean trying hard not to get blind drunk in front of the parents then yes, that is exactly what i was doing.
and also sadly, those party women are no longer in my general vicinity. i’ll have to keep y’all on tenterhooks for a while as to my secret future location
I pictured you adding diversity to their portfolios.
Hee hee.
Freak-dancing means nothing without tumescence.
PP, stop acting like you remember — we didn’t hoof it back at all — you LOVED the hummer.
You were all like, “God! I love this hummer!!”
Maybe I only love Hummers when I’m drunk.
Yeah, you were totally into lovin’ everything. I total “love” drunk.
And believe me, there are worse things to be!
Happy New Year!
We’re off to the moon. Eat it libs!
Happy New Year.
btw – haven’t come by any diversity on the Take 5 scene in either FL or UT. perhaps bush is funding propoganda that “others” actually exist. f*cking poop bag.
PP, don’t be mad that I wrote that you like Hummers. EVERYone knows you nor ANYONE ELSE!! who is halfway sane would like Hummers. We wouldn’t touch them with 10 foot poles!! No matter how bombed!!
That is all. Didn’t want you to be mad in the New Year…
What the heck are church police?
We all know you love hummers. Good grief.
That’s all bullshit. None of it happened and you know it. Y’all all sat at PP’s place and played cribbage all night. AG had one Wine Cooler and acted like she was drunk.
That could be a possibility, but BG said there were Hummers.
Yosef, that’s a little hostile. I think you mean Sean and beer boy Brian had the 5.5 etoh/volume. I was all over my boy and I went home to his house. And that, was that! Don’t hate because I scored.
Love to the 27 kids. Anymore this year?
BG was at Mannion’s party. Everyone got blasted there.
AG, everyone knows you’re just trying to look cool here to cover up the fact that you weren’t anywhere close to drunk when you started dancing on the table.
And thanks for the comment about the kids. It is actually up to 31 now. It’s starting to cut into my football time.
I don’t deny that I danced on the tables. That was pure slut motivation. No other reason. I think you were too drunk to know that was what it was. And yes, UC pulled me off in a fit of rage and lust. That boy!
31 Yolets? How did I miss the last five? Goddammit! I am so out of the loop these days.
Mannion had a party and didn’t invite America’s top party girl? He’s in serious trouble!!
Well, they just show up so quick! I’m starting to think they aren’t all mine…
Especially after your third vasectomoy.
Whatever that is.
Better you then me, my good man.
Better you…
Yeah, AG, I don’t think that procedure would work on you…
Yeah, I go to have my prostate checked yearly, but they always say no V-sect for me. Stupid doctors. They think they know everything just because they went to medical school.
I missed a bit by not blogging on my bro’s computer. It felt like cheating.