Pitchforke Cobaggery Watch 2012!!!!!! Incomplete Appetizer

As I consider whether it is possible to consider this year’s Pitchfork Top 100 Tracks list, I found this detritus in the draft pile. 2012!!!! Where did the time go? I can only remember two of these 30 songs.

100. Swearin’ “Just”
Pinko Punko says: Everything old is new, but in an OK way. Bettie Serveert+Velocity Girl maybe, with something else 90s that I can’t place when it goes to the guy verse. I feel the hopefulness of a new list in bloom. I feel young I feel free, let’s go down to the Newbury Comics and buy CDs!

99. Blur “Under the Westway”
Pinko Punko says: Now they are just playing. A new Blur track played like an old school cinematic soaring band in a way where there age gives it greater gravitas with some waltzing then tinkly then infinitely sad and some echoey McCartney bits. What I love most about this song is that it is a song you can love the first time you hear it, and in this case it is a hard to describe love. I love the Youtube comment genre of x people are y, where x=number of negative votes and y=some funny psychology of whatever must be wrong with them if they don’t like this. So here goes: 75 people must be experiencing the effects of opposite day wherever they were when listening to this song. Le zing. Superb. 98 songs better than this would cause my brain to stop functioning with the cognitive dissonance of that being possible. Instead I am more likely to suspect that each additional affront to taste and sound will be like increasingly hard open handed slaps to my face.

98. Odd Future “Oldie”
Pinko Punko says: Oh Corban. This is so dumb. Has an extremely laid back vibe. Which one is Earl? Ha- it is 11 minutes long. It is 2% as good as the song above, but is listenable if you ignore the words. “F*ck it, Wolfgang” is the best part, but I had to lower the bar.

97. Twin Shadow “Golden Light”
Pinko Punko says: Warm, washed over synthy Vangelis backgrounds covering some pinned down super smooth emo. And I just heard some Ultravox “Vienna” keys. So we’ll call it New New New Romantic. This is done well enough that I do like it. Larry Fitzmaurice basically misses every single musical touchstone here, going Fleetwood Mac “Tusk” and Springsteen. No no no no no no no. Vangelis and Midge Ure.

96. Merchandise “Time”
Pinko Punko says: Double shot of new wave romantic revivalism here, pairing well with the above. Basically this is The Killers on Qualuudes, or maybe not that, but if someone told Brandon that they would shoot a puppy if he didn’t dial it back. Wish the sound were slightly less muddy. Love that the writeup mentions that the band here abandoned some stylistic constraints of some other genre, yet they basically just button themselves down into another genre constraint- a new wave+shoegaze mashup- though it is a good song.

95. R. Kelly “Share My Love”
Pinko Punko says: This song is so over the top, it’s like maybe someone posted it with a funny animated GIF on a g*ddamned tumblr that maybe a few people tweet and then you realize it is an empty genre exercise and that some class of persons, perhaps described as cobags, have had drunk ironic sex to it. Its like a Weird Al song that should only be placed in mixes shared among annoying people, if Weird Al were a perv with a thing for underaged golden showers and sexual abuse of minors. Chris Brown would probably be less offensive in this spot. F*ck this guy with a cement mixer.

94. Saint Etienne “Tonight”
Pinko Punko says A total slab of cheese from these old pros. Her voice sounds a teensy bit Kirsty Maccoll. Wish that were possible, actually. Comes across as a little bit of a boring new New Order type song, though without Hooky or Sumner. This does not have the excellence of their smash Neil Young cover from a million years ago. St. Meh-tienne.

93. Cassie “King of Hearts (Richard X Remix Edit)”
Pinko Punko says Funny thing about Pitchfork, they are loyal- to any marginal pop artist with the ear of a favored producer. So we get Richard X here and above. Now, I give Richard X all the credit in the world- he did the best Annie tracks and he is responsible for one of the top two mashups of all time (Adina Howard and Gary Numan- a true mashup itself covered for real release decently by Sugababes), this is passable generic nothing, and I guess the TIME VORTEXXXXXXXXXXX….2007……….

70: Cassie “Is It You?”
Here’s we said last year about Pitchfork’s bizarre ability to remember a Cassie song long enough to put on their top 100 songs list:

48: Cassie-”Me & U”
Fine for the radio. Here the autotune is more an affect, but how do we know. Wow, she wants him to tell her how he likes it? But it will just be between them? An R/B novelty. Fine to put you out of your drive-time commercial suffering. A bauble-like turd of no consequence. The most unfortunate entry until now (but not the worst) Meh.
UC’s take: While folding laundry, I decided to write a song that is significantly better and more interesting than this song. You all know the tune. Sing along: Mary had a little meh whose fleece was white as meh. And everywhere that Mary went, her meh was sure to go. It followed her to school one day, which was against the meh. It made the students laugh and play to see a meh at school. There now, isn’t that better?

This year, since the song is much, much worse, we can only assume that Cassie’s label is giving free butt rubs or something at the Pitchfork offices.
UC’s take:
I thought about compiling a list of artists that released music in 2007 who wrote better songs than this. Unfortunately, my hard drive did not have sufficient space. Instead, I think it is easier to compile songs worse than this thick application of crisco. Oh, what about the Jay Sherman treatment, where I consider a disease I would rather have than listen to this song again: The winner …. Scabies. And those mo’ fo’s itch pretty badly, or so I’m told. Point being, it would at least be feeling something, which is more than I can say about the emotional punch of this song. Hell, I kind of think we’re being too nice to Cassie.

So Cassie is secretly one of the decades best singles artists? Is this what you guys are telling us? HOGANNNNNNNNNNNN!!
92. King Louie “Val Venis”
Pinko Punko says: Heh. Val Venis. Rap is essentially standup comedy these days. I wish they would just do a separate rap list. [Ed. wow that is offensive!] That is not what I meant, Ed! What I meant is that the tone differences between a whipsmart, but jokey novelty tossoff is just a different thing than an Antony song coming up next. They just are so stylistically different, I would want to consider all the rap songs at one time. This is pretty good.

91. Antony & the Johnsons “Cut The World”
Pinko Punko says: Infinitely sad, but I’ll give Matt Murphy credit, I did hear some signs of hope on this splendid, tasteful, emotional track. Antony gets me every time, and usually I can’t listen in large doses- it’s too sad.

90. Daphni “Yes, I Know”
Pinko Punko says: Fine. Maybe would be better if cheesier. Wow. I can take one minute of working on this list at a time. ETA finish line: 2015!

89. Jeremih “773 Love”
Pinko Punko says: I love great voices, but The Dream and everything else that sounds like that is like the Idiocracy of slow jams. This is TERRIBLE.

88. A$AP Rocky “Goldie”
Pinko Punko says: “Chrome to your dome til you get glock jaw”- that is pretty good. I’ll rate it higher that P. Punk dropping bombs on Matt Y, but damn it is close. Maybe P. Punk isn’t as misogynist.

87. Lotus Plaza “Monoliths”
Pinko Punko says: Lotus Plaza got the tunes. Lockett Pundt is the quiet back of the scene spine of Deerhunter’s sound when at its most luminous. This is effortlessly nice, and it slides into epic with “…and one of these days” which could easily be wasted in a lesser song. I wish Pitchfork cobags had the guts to place something like this a little higher. Excellent.

86. Chief Keef “Love Sosa”
Pinko Punko says: Unbelievably terrible, but sneakily hypnotic with a kind of simple 12 year old sing song flow. Can’t imagine an entire album of this but maybe in the mix of a REMEMBER 2012 supercut.

85. Major Lazer “Get Free”
Pinko Punko says: Has a little bit of that music playing through the wall feel like on a Drake song. Typical Pitchfork random tastemakerbait. Very light and fluffy, totally disposable. Immaculate production on the headphones, pretty good.

84. Lower Dens “Brains”
Pinko Punko says: Kind of motorik opening, so I immediately perk my ears up. Sounds like something that could be on an Atlas Sound EP. Has a soundtracky, driven driving feel, and some spacy shimmering behind the Stereolab beat. Like this one. Backgroundy but worming its way in. Very good.

83. How To Dress Well “Cold Nites”
Pinko Punko says: Like an Antony track but taking down a white boy falsetto spacey R/B path. Just add water. Though maybe the new Timberlake should have sounded like this. Derivative.

82.Schoolboy Q “There He Go”
Pinko Punko says: Opens like an Arcade Fire track and then it is just the usual swagger rap, but he’s bragging about relatively usual life stuff, and this is considered refreshing (it is), but just the same old. Definitely has the attitude down. I will never finish this list. I will be destroyed.

81.Liars “No. 1 Against the Rush”
Pinko Punko says: Oh hey, some more hushed and buried muted headphone soundscapes, though the BBC Radiophonic Workshop-sounding bits in the chorus are really good. Everything sounds like long distance jogging music from this year’s list. I guess that is better than airport people mover. I do like this. Marc with a C Masters kind of overbakes the prose here, but the song is really OK, I don’t like the outro at all though.

80. Baauer “Harlem Shake”
Pinko Punko says: I thought it was hilarious when everybody was getting pissed off about people having fun with a meme, where it seemed like the main thing was people having a good time together and busting out dancing in random places. The meme was way better than this track, especially all the different rules about how different people would do different crap.

79. Rich Kidz “My Life” [ft. Waka Flocka Flame]
Pinko Punko says: Waka reminds me of Mystikal. DANGER. This song sounds chintzy. Watch brag raps. BREITLING, COBAGS. Terrible. Embarrassing, and the chorus- can’t be bothered to raise a finger over any slurs

Pinko Punko says: Some retro bar shout fun rock, but seems like it should be better. Personable and OK. Very thin on the production, and I think it is an affected lo-fi sound. His voice might annoy, but I am OK with it.

77. The xx “Angels”
Pinko Punko says: More ephemeral chimey headphone whisper quiet intimate balladry. She reminds a me a little bit of Tracey Thorn. Tasteful, but typical. Good.

76. Blawan “Why They Hide Their Bodies Under My Garage?”
Pinko Punko says: I can never figure out what level of popularity makes things OK. Millions probably means the track is cheesy club chaff, but if it is less popular but maybe dominates at the right clubs, then it is validated. Kind of like Lords of Acid, with some ‘ludes just barely starting to kick in. Something is slightly restrained here even though the track is probably considered hard. I followed a link for a live Underworld “Cowgirl” vid instead of finishing this track on YouTube. Sorry.

75. Angel Haze “Werkin’ Girls”
Pinko Punko says: She has got a serious serious flow. The omnipresent misogyny of hip hop is just really depressing. I do like the “I’m on top of my motherf*cking green like I’m a motherF*cking tractor” line.

74. Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti
Pinko Punko says: Is there some controversy about this guy? Anyway, just a slow jam cover. Oh, wait, it’s a cover of those two kids that recorded secret albums and were kind of supposedly a lot better than anyone would ever have guessed. I will forget all of these details within the hour. An OK song. Kind of a joke (but kind of straight).

73. Juicy J “Bandz a Make Her Dance (Remix)” [ft. Lil Wayne and 2 Chainz]
Pinko Punko says:This is all about the producer- MikeWillMADEIT- airport people mover propulsive new age electronic. Wayne’s verse is both terrible, laconic, and expected. If it were RiffRaff instead of 2 Chainz I’d maybe like it better. This is next generation “Pop That”, which was equally terrible, but I liked the backing track better because it reminded my of Intaferon’s “Baby Pain”.

72. John Talabot “Destiny” [ft. Pional]
Pinko Punko says: Feel like this is Miami Vice speedboat interlude music- not chase music, just shots of them taking the boat to Cuba and being sunsplashed and on their way to a deal gone terribly wrong.

71. Thee Oh Sees “Lupine Dominus”
Pinko Punko says: I have a few Thee Oh Sees albums and I like them just fine. 60s retro psychedelic garagers. This one starts very proto-krautrock and then maybe dark spacewagon, the bass is very metronomic and also sounds like “My Sharona”, but this straight reimagined alternate universe 60s pastiche. These guys are very good at what they do.

70. Four Tet “Pyramid”
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69. Le1f “Wut”
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