Oh my glob

I need to leave this here so I can come back to it. If 3B were to hire an assistant this would be it. This is like Sunset Boulevard/Waiting for Guffman of Craigslist ads!!!!!!!

Update:

I am still really in shock. I want to STEAL this advertisement and PRODUCE it as a show on BROADWAY. I want to perform this as a one person cabaret show. I want to take this ad to THE INTERNET. And put it on YOUTUBE. I will make amazing artistic choices and I will bathe myself in your adulation!

9 Responses to “Oh my glob”


  • $400 seems like a lot for a vacation. They might get TOWELS at the hotel…

  • I just keep scanning it and finding more nuggets. This ad really is already a finished show.

  • O
    O ^__^
    o (oo)\_______
    (__)\ ) \/\
    ||—-w |
    || ||

    What is the w?

  • Oh sure my first bog comment in years, eaten by ASCII!!1!

  • Gregor!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!

    You missed the epic 45 paragraph Craigslist post that was amazing.

    https://web.archive.org/web/20160607202722/http://neworleans.craigslist.org/ofc/5621760272.html

  • PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO PLAYWRIGHT NEEDED – Skills in play editing, typing, dictation, organizing text files, managing projects, and more.

    X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X
    PAY DETAILS
    X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

    PAY: $10/hour after first year. $9/hour starting.
    RAISES: 50 cents/hour per year.
    METHOD OF PAY: CASH WEEKLY.
    HOURS: 20-40 hours/week, hours per day are flexible.
    DAYS: Negotiable and flexible (from 2-7 days a week depending on you, me, and varying project needs).
    STARTING DATE: As soon as I find the RIGHT person. I’ll probably spend a few weeks collecting applications before deciding. If you see this ad, even if it’s a month old, I’m still collecting applications.
    JOB LENGTH: 1 year or longer, preferably several years.
    PERKS: For excellent work, you will get my personal 3rd-row tickets to the Saegner Theatre for Broadway in New Orleans, or my personal front row tickets for Le Petit Theatre.
    PAY BONUS: $10,000 to $40,000 (negotiable) if you stay several years to project(s) completion.
    AGE: ANY
    WHERE: French Quarter. Parking will be extremely difficult and expensive. You will need to have a bicycle or take public transportation and walk. New Orleans is HOT. However, having a car or driver’s license will be handy for running some errands outside the French Quarter, but don’t try parking your car everyday without being warned. If you really worked well, and did need a car to get to work, I will pay 50% of a monthly French Quarter garage for you.

    X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X
    JOB DESCRIPTION – IT’S VERY LONG – READ IT ALL!!
    X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

    Hello,
    I am a playwright and artist. I am looking to finish several plays and artistic projects.

    I need an overall personal assistant, with general talents in the arts, creativity, and managing several very different projects at the SAME TIME.

    However, I prefer NOT hiring a fellow writer or similar artist as I; to avoid conflicts of interests, possible theft of ideas, etc.

    I do prefer someone that KNOWS about or has STUDIED theatre, literary, and possibly visual and music arts, but is not necessarily a “true writer” or “true artist” themselves.

    (It’s probably better if you’re NOT a true artist, because you might compete with me or be too independent, and it would just be a conflict; if you’re a “true artist” you should probably pursue your own dreams and not assist mine. In many ways, an “appreciator or admirer of the arts” is best suited, rather than an artist themselves.)

    Someone in the play/literature editing, dramaturgy, administration, assistant, crew, and backstage fields is probably perfect.

    MOST (but not all) of the projects revolve around theatre, literary art, visual art, music art, and video documentary knowledge and skills.

    I need someone LONG-TERM, possibly for several years. AT LEAST 1-year minimum commitment. Even 6-months is barely enough time to get anything real done. This is because you will need to become acquainted with all of my artistic projects, needs, goals, etc. and the more you do and that you learn and work with me over time, the more that will get done and quicker, as we develop a short-hand with each other. It takes a lot of time for me to explain each project to you, for you to acquaint yourself with them and understand them, understand my needs and work habits, train you, familiarize you, and so on. So there is no point in working for just a few weeks or months, and leaving me to start all over with someone new. Also, it will take a year, two, even longer to finish most projects, and it’s pointless to hire someone who will leave in the middle of a project, unfinished, as some or all of the work that has been done may become unusable to myself and the next person I hire, if you leave, and your work is in an incomplete state, or too hard to pick up in the middle.

    I have had many people not take this job seriously, and quit or get fired, and it just sets me back. Do NOT do that!

    I do not mind if you have another job. But you need to balance both. You absolutely cannot have another part-time job, start a part-time job as my personal assistant, and then say your other job went full-time, and you have to quit mine. That will just waste my time, and cause me headaches starting over with someone new. Also do not start as my personal assistant, and say you will work 40 hours/week, then 20 hours/week, then 5 hours/week, then start coming in every other week or disappearing for months, because something else took over in your life. If you’re accepted as my personal assistant, I need an absolute commitment you’ll stay at least 1 year, and work every week normal part-time or full-time hours (if you need a normal vacation at some point, that’s fine).

    During the workday, you may take as many normal breaks, rests, and meals as you like, however all breaks are unpaid. I’m extremely flexible, but don’t abuse the flexibility.

    Right now, I make $0 off of my art projects. I have lost and spent my entire life savings pursuing art that I believe in. I am dead serious about my art. I have worked on some projects for 20 years. That being said, the pay rate is pretty firm for now. You’ll start at $9/hour, and after 1 year I will raise this to $10/hour. You’ll get a 50 cents/hour raise every year. This pay is coming from all of my remaining life savings, and I have to make it a few more years. However, should I finally succeed to the “big time” and sell a few of my projects, you will then receive a proportionate pay increase and stay with me to bigger and brighter things. It’s up to you. Right now, I am investing in myself and my art. I am going financially and emotionally broke doing it. I believe in myself. But you certainly won’t be making $20 or $50 an hour anytime soon.

    If I do “make it,” you will one day be working on Broadway with me, and working in Hollywood with me, and then that will be a very large pay increase, with increased opportunities. Those are my goals. But that is many years away. If you share those goals or desires, then you, too, can see this as an opportunity and an investment for the future.

    For this job, you probably have to believe in me. I believe in me.

    If I do make it to Broadway or Hollywood, and turn a sizable profit finally, I will give you an extra lump sum of $10,000 to $40,000 (negotiable) as a bonus, if you stay several years and to project completion, and give me extremely significant and excellent work that heavily contributes to me finishing and achieving my goals. If you quit or get fired, or I do not turn a profit, there will be no financial bonus. The bonus will probably be something like $10,000 for each year you work with me, and given only AT THE END, when one of my projects sells at a high enough profit, and I have recouped my own expenses and costs.

    I need a personal assistant and secretary in the classic sense of the word – someone that serves and protects and aligns themselves with their boss (ME).

    I need someone extremely sensitive and caring, with a gentle and obedient personality. I need someone extremely supportive, interested, and encouraging. I need someone eager to be a part of this, and always happy to work with me. I need someone extremely mature, no matter what their age is.

    Man or woman: do not be macho, do not have too much testosterone, do not be insensitive, do not be demanding or controlling of me, do not become my domineering mother or male rival.

    I want a personal assistant.

    Someone with a caring, sympathetic, positive, as well as driven and dedicated energy and soul.

    Sensitivity, delicacy, and compassion towards ME is a MUST!

    I will be telling you extremely personal stories from my life, and converting them into plays and other artistic formats. I will be telling you stories of how I was raped, abused, taken advantage of, fought and survived cancer at a young age, my personal struggles and heartaches, details about my past and present relationships and the people around me. Stories will be crazy, funny, painful, almost unbelievable, courageous, unique, loving; every human emotion there is, but most will be filled with hurt and wounds. I will be turning my life stories, with your assistance, into plays and other creative endeavors. These are personal stories that cause me great pain. I love who I am and I’m extremely proud of my life, but things in it certainly hurt, even suck. I definitely suffer from PTSD from the many hardships and abuses in my life. If you cannot be extremely sensitive, compassionate, understanding, supportive, and even HEALING while working with these delicate subject matters, then I absolutely DO NOT WANT YOU.

    Artists are full of pain. Pain triggers ideas and great storylines and great art. I’m extremely glad for my pain. I wouldn’t be an artist without it. If I am good, I wouldn’t be a good artist without my pain. However, I certainly don’t want my personal assistant to add to my pain.

    I have hired many personal assistants in the past that are just the opposite of what I need, because they either misrepresent themselves or do not understand themselves and what is truly required as far as their own personality. They are extremely insensitive and uncaring, even selfish, and often even set me back. They just want a job. This is more than “just a job.” I need you to help me GET AHEAD, not tread water, and not go in reverse.

    I REPEAT: I need a personal assistant and secretary in the classic 1950s sense of the word – someone that serves and protects and aligns themselves with their boss. If you’re not serving my goals and helping me, then you have NO REASON to be by my side or ask for this job.

    I cannot work with someone that is resistant, makes excuses, bickers, does not do what I ask, constantly argues with or contradicts me, or does not understand I am the boss and the LEADER OF MY OWN projects that I’m asking them to assist with. If I spend more time debating or arguing with you about getting something accomplished, instead of moving forward and getting it done, it is pointless. I need a personal assistant ready to actually assist. I mention this, because it is amazing how many people quickly overstep their roles, and no longer want to assist the project, but actually take over leadership, or not listen to me, or want to take my stories and change them into THEIR stories and THEIR ideas, or waste time criticizing, debating, and bickering. Those people are not professional. They need to have their own project, and not work on MY projects.

    While independence is a virtue, if you’re just too independent, then you should not be seeking to be a personal assistant, or just need to start YOUR OWN project. A personal assistant helps their boss, and assists in their boss’s goals and dreams. This will always be RULE #1 with me! You’re here to help me.

    Art is about keeping high standards. You can always say I can do better, just don’t tell me to do or accept less.

    That being said, I WILL constantly ask you for your educated opinion, your suggestions, I will ask you to take my ideas and help me work through them, trim them, consolidate them, make them better.

    Make sure your opinion is “educated,” and not “just an opinion.” Uneducated opinions are usually worthless, and I will often dismiss them.

    I DO want someone that can THINK, and think smartly, and can be relied upon, and can be a great editor, dramaturg, and sounding board – but also someone dedicated to me – yet again, not so independent it disrupts the hierarchy of the project, which will always be: The BOSS first, and the boss is me, NOT YOU.

    Typing, computing, software, and project managing skills A MUST! You don’t have to be the fastest typer, but you will be taking dictation, transcribing handwritten notes, and transcribing video tapes.

    Examples of the various work will be:
    (*) Listening to my stories and ideas, and typing dictation. This will help me get on paper and lay the groundwork for my future projects. It’s simple. I talk, you type. Usually not word-for-word. Generally I might tell a story, you type the important and detailed gist of what I said, and you will often even ask me questions to assist in clarity and completeness of my stories and ideas.

    (*) Typing my handwritten notes and notebooks. Photographing, digitizing, and archiving my notes. Organizing all notes into an easily searchable manner.

    (*) I have several plays and musicals that are almost finished. I may not always be clear yet on their final plots and storylines. I explain them to you, bounce ideas and options off of you, together you help me finalize the plot and you help type the action outline, so I can finish putting my play together. Then you’ll help me edit the dialogue and scenes. Often, I’ll have several versions of the same scene, and you’ll help me choose or combine what is best. You will help edit, trim, cut, shape, and get my play(s) into a first draft, and probably keep working with me on subsequent drafts. If a rough draft is 400 pages, you’ll help me trim and edit it to 180 pages or less.

    (*) I write lyrics. You’ll help edit lyrics, music, and in-progress songs. I work with composers. You will assist with this in various ways.

    (*) Sometimes you will be meeting my theatre and art colleagues, going to plays with me, watching art documentaries or movies with me. Depending on your current knowledge, I will be teaching you a lot about theatre and art, so you can better assist me. This should be extremely fun and interesting for you (if it isn’t, then it doesn’t make much sense to work for me).

    (*) You will help me manage parts of my life I need assistance with. Often it’s just keeping me positive and encouraged, on track to taking vitamins, exercising and lifting weights, eating a healthy salad or fruit, paying bills, doing chores, running errands, making deadlines, etc. You will rarely cook (probably just microwave something), but I’ll sometimes send you to get food or prepare healthy food and snacks during our work sessions. You’ll help cleanup the work area, and keep it tidy so we can concentrate and not be distracted by messes. I run a tight and tidy ship! Personally, I’m in excellent physical shape, and want to stay in great shape. As you know, being an artist can take a toll!

    (*) I have a handyman and housecleaner. You’ll help me manage them when needed, so I can focus on my art and writing. If I can’t focus on my art and my own creativity, there’s no point in all this.

    (*) You will watch over my home when I travel to New York, or I am away donating my services to various art festivals. I’ll be away for 1-3 weeks at a time a few times a year. You’ll still be doing your normal typing/transcribing/editing/etc. PLUS watching my home and managing it at the same time while I travel. You MUST be completely honest and stay a diligent worker, even when I am in New York or somewhere else.

    (*) I filmed 200-hours of Hurricane Katrina footage and interviews, spanning around 5-years while it was all happening start-to-finish. I stayed behind during all of Hurricane Katrina, and documented it, as well as the recovery and rebuilding process. You will be transcribing the interviews, as well as detailing the action and events on the videotapes, and logging these down to the minute and second for future reference. These tapes and transcriptions will become part of books, documentaries, TV shows, plays, and so forth. (This could actually be very interesting for you, and I hope ALL of my projects are actually very interesting to you. My various projects do have to interest you, it’s the only way you will be concerned enough to see all this through, and properly.)

    (*) There will be other similar work, but that’s the gist of it.

    (*) As a bonus for good work, you will even get my personal 3rd-row tickets to the Saegner Theatre for Broadway in New Orleans, or my front row tickets for Le Petit Theatre.

    (*) In general, YOU MUST HELP relieve pressure in my life. You will absolutely NOT ADD ANY pressure or drama to my life.

    You cannot be insulted if I don’t use every one of your ideas or opinions, or if I sometimes explain your idea is no good, or when I ask you for better, or disagree with you. Not every one of my own ideas will be great or make it into the final work. A common weakness is an unprofessional assistant feeling and saying: “You don’t respect my opinion!” or “I disagree with you! I can’t believe you’re doing it that way!” You have to remember this is MY project, and I am in charge. And actually, the only way for me to have you help me, is that I respect your opinion and trust you. But just remember neither one of us will have every idea be the best and greatest, and I have to be the one to make every final decision. I am the leader, you are the assistant. ALWAYS remember that.

    I want to avoid every possible personality conflict. I will be working very closely with you. So please analyze yourself, and analyze what you can glean from this job ad of me, to see if you have a personality and work ethic and desire that is compatible to me. I cannot and will not change myself or my personality to you and your needs, you must ALREADY be compatible to ME, and MY PROJECTS.

    That being said, I think I am an extremely kind, sensible, professional, and nice man, and I take constructive, artistic, and productive criticism extremely well.

    So you can know more about me: I am a 40 year-old male. I do not drink, smoke, or party. I’m extremely clean. I donate a lot of my time, work, and services for free to causes I believe in. One reason I currently make $0 off of my art, is because I donate it to help local and national art festivals and museums, and I volunteer to help other artists, directors, producers, and actors for free. I love to help others. I love to help other artists. I have good morals and ethics.

    I am hiring you for your constructive and productive criticism. However, it is a fine line. I am NOT hiring you for constant, pointless, needless, and counter-productive arguments, debates, negative attitude, and “buts” when you don’t like something. The goal of the assistant is to help the leader achieve his goals, not fight with him or hinder him, or keep him from reaching those goals. Otherwise I will never finish, and everyday will be frustration and depression. If you have worked in theatre, you simply know, everyone comes in everyday to assist the director and playwright achieve his vision with minimal fuss and muss. I absolutely need that. I NEED a “can-do” attitude, and especially a “what can I do to HELP YOU” attitude. NOT a “I don’t like it” or “I don’t agree, so I won’t do it” attitude. You must be PRODUCTIVE to my vision, not counter-productive.

    No matter your age, you must be mature enough to handle all of this on a professional level. Physical age does not equate to mental age. Even if you are 50 or 60, make sure you are mentally stable and mentally old and responsible enough to meet all of my requirements.

    I need someone that will protect every single one of my secrets, personal and professional, and will not tell a single soul, not even their mother, sister, boyfriend, husband, or pet cat or dog. Not even on your deathbed. I need someone that will not gossip about me behind my back. What happens at work, stays at work. What you are told, stays with you and I, and no one else. You will die with these secrets. You will not gossip today or tomorrow, and you will not write a tell-all book ten years from now. You must completely understand this confidentiality requirement. Even if you get fired, or quit, even if we end our professional relationship happily or with unhappiness, this confidentiality requirement stands for the rest of your life.

    I will own each and every idea, line, word, and artistic element, mine or yours, small or big, that comes out of the work that you and I do. This is how theatre works. I am not here to steal your ideas. I do not want your own independent ideas, if they have nothing to do with mine. Do not tell me your separate ideas outside of my own projects, save them for yourself if you wish. I am here to FINISH MY OWN ideas. However, you will be assisting me, and I will be asking you your opinions and for creative input and help most days. The playwright (me) OWNS EVERYTHING and gets final say. Especially during any “workshop” process. There have been and will be MANY contributors. The director will contribute, the dramaturg, the editor, the producers, the actors, the composers, my friends, everyone involved contributes something small or big, a little or a lot, essential or insignificant. The playwright (ME) owns it ALL. Because I started the idea and project, I am paying for it, and I am considered the writer and initiator. It is all non-royalty, work-for-hire. If this negatively matters to you, or you are unfamiliar with this process and those facts, and that displeases you, please look it up, but more importantly, DO NOT APPLY for this job. You will be credited as dramaturg, editor, personal assistant, or a similar title, depending how much you actually assist, and how many others also fill similar roles. If you quit or get fired too soon, you won’t be credited at all. Remember: I have already worked on many of my projects for years and even decades before I ever met you. You WILL NOT be a co-author or get high-level credit. I am the only and single author. As stated, your job is similar to assistant, editor, or dramaturg. Those are pretty nice titles and credits. You can definitely use me and the projects as a professional reference and on your resume in the future, if you wish. But remember, the confidentiality agreement will always stand.

    You will not receive royalties. You will receive one-time cash pay, as agreed. When I actually sell any of my art projects, then you may stay onboard and receive a pay increase, and only when I actually make a profit. I must recoup all of my past financial investments, and also have the project(s) sold at such a price that I can even afford a pay increase. Profits won’t be seen until something reaches the Broadway and Hollywood levels, and even at that, I have a lot of financial costs I need to recoup first. That is all years from now. For now, let’s focus on finishing the current and immediate work.

    A few REPEATS:
    I need to be able to trust you 100% (110% in the metaphorical sense), and feel absolutely safe with you, and that my ideas and personal and professional life is safe with you. You will be hearing and working with extremely sensitive, painful, and personal details of my life.

    You will not bring your drama to the workplace, and I prefer people without any drama or bad habits or vices, in general. I will tolerate absolutely no dishonesty. I will tolerate no conflicts that interfere with my work, progress, or positive state-of-mind.

    You will have to sign a confidentiality agreement, talk with absolutely no one about myself or the projects, and protect the utmost secrecy of my work, home, and life: professional, personal, creative – it all stays 100% private – FOREVER.

    I will be supplying you with a computer, and all equipment needed. Generally, nothing goes home with you, or leaves the workspace and office. Everything stays on MY COMPUTERS, and NOT YOURS. You will delete any and all files concerning me and my projects that somehow end up on your own equipment, such as your iPhone. Periodically, I will ask you to permanently and completely delete emails, texts, and photos, if they end up on your personal equipment. You will do so. You will take no unauthorized photos, texts, or details.

    You will not moan when I ask you to take out the trash, or put the dishes away, or drop off a box at the post office, or get me some food, or go up and down stairs for an errand. Not every task will be glamourous. Many aren’t. Some are menial. But even the smallest, most boring, most menial task, contributes towards the bigger picture. If you groan and moan, or feel some chores are “beneath you,” then I don’t want you.

    If you dilly-dally, or lallygag, or have slow feet, or socialize while running errands, then I don’t want you.

    If you’re checking your phone and messages too often, then I don’t want you. If phone calls and texts are constantly interrupting, then I don’t want you. I’ll probably want you to turn off your phone and put it away while working. Running an errand is NOT the time for you to make personal phone calls.

    If you are not qualified, or cannot 100% live up to the above, please do not apply. I don’t want you.

    This job and application is as much about what I want, as to what I DON’T WANT.

    If you see this as an “experiment for yourself” and “let’s see,” I probably don’t want you. I need you to be completely certain you can and want to do this, before you even apply. Too many people “think” they can do this, only to quit or be fired a few weeks later, often causing me headaches, because they weren’t serious enough, or didn’t know themselves enough.

    I truly need: “KNOW THYSELF” before you apply!

    For the application, you will tell me why you want my job offer of personal assistant, what qualifications you have and why I should hire you, what your personality is like and how you absolutely know you can work with me, and will be eager and happy each day to work with me and on my projects, and that you fully understand secrecy, privacy, sensitivity, and the hierarchy that I am the boss and the leader of these projects and my vision comes first.

    You MUST include a picture of yourself. This is not a beauty contest. I do not care if you are single, married, man or woman, gay or straight, old or young, ugly or beautiful. What I do care about, is what I can glean about you and your personality from your written application, and how you physically present yourself. A picture is worth a thousand words – and I care about personality.

    This is not a personals ad. This is a personal assistant ad.

    If you are a beauty queen or average, I don’t care. If you’re skinny or fat, I don’t care. If you have a million pimples, I don’t care. But I probably care if you don’t have any teeth, look like a drug addict, look homeless, aren’t clean, look mean, are covered in way too many tattoos or piercings, or give a sense that you party and aren’t dedicated to work. No, you can’t always judge a book by its cover and I know that. But I will be going through many applications, and I just want to know as much about you and your personality as possible. Because I find the biggest deal-breaker, is simply a personality that constantly conflicts with mine.

    We will be working extremely closely together, and I must trust you 100%, and I want you to be naturally happy working with me.

    Again, as most artists are wounded, and I’m definitely one of them — a wounded artist trying to make art from my deep wounds — I need someone with a healing and problem-solving personality.

    I don’t want to, and I can’t fit a square peg in a round hole. I’ve tried, but a square will never be a circle. I can’t change people, and you probably can’t change much of yourself. So just think about that. If it’s not a fit, it’s not a fit, and we need to know as soon as possible, preferably before work ever begins.

    But I do hope, I and my projects fit someone, and they fit me! I don’t know if I’m a square, a circle, or an octagon, but whatever I am, we need to fit together.

    Thank you for your time, reading all of this, and if you’re the right one, thank you for applying!

    Sincerely yours,
    and I look forward with hope and positive promise to what great things develop between us!

  • This sounds like a very good situation, I suggest that it could be rewritten slightly to read: Obsessive micro-managing lunatic wants compliant personal assistant sans life to do what I want. Minimum wage +! No whiners!

    (I have PTSD just from skimming the ad).

  • That ad was the best ad in the history of the earth. The best part was there was a second version that was basically just two lines. It seems that the first version of the ad was not very successful. I think plover would even get tired reading that ad!

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