Author Archive for Mendacious D, Ombirdspersonmoose

Low-hanging fruit

Readers of the blog are well-aware already of our cordial distaste for the writings of one Matthew Yglesias, Slate’s “business and economics blogger,” a term of endearment and ridicule among the those who should know better (see: McArdle, Megan). One of his recent efforts is an attempt at lauding the business practices of the Apple Store, which employ “Geniuses” at the astronomical wage of $11 per hour. Behold the end of the first paragraph:

The converse of Apple Store workers not being rich despite the company’s success is that Sears & K-Mart workers don’t earn negative wages even though their company loses money.

The existence of layoffs is apparently not a thing at Slate (he said without irony). Also not included in an article titled, in part: “What if the Apple Store were the worst job around?” are the terms “minimum wage,” “outsourcing,” and “FoxConn.” We are not unopposed (THANK YOU ZOMBIE FOR GRAMMAR CORRECTION) to Apple products, but if MattY wishes to hold them up as a shining beacon of benevolent American capitalism, he might first try to live on under $25,000 like so many of his fellow Americans already do, and see how many of Apple’s stock shares ($580 each at the time of writing) his salary will allow him to purchase.

There is probably some irony in the fact that a company which provides their wares at a substantial markup while providing minimal benefits for their workers saw fit to employ someome to write about Apple.

We are also obliged to note that Cogitamus’ Sir Charles uses the term “Apple Slapping” in his post title discussing the subject. And so Filthbot arises again. This may have been the entire point of these introductory paragraphs. On to our actual appointed task:

1. fish: Everything is still fish’s fault. This will not be disputed.

2. A minor request: Pinko, via secret communication, wishes to be convinced one way or the other on the merits of Rush v. Japandroids. Our own sympathies in the matter are well-known, therefore we are recusing ourselves. However, others may present their arguments. As in Democracy, the only losers are those who take no side.

3. There is no third thing.

4. Almost immediate update! Someone in DorD adds:

What kind of fascist has effing MATH instead of a CAPTCHA? Are you trying to prove that we’re human, or that we didn’t go to an American public school?

Carry on.

Further a-hemming

First and foremost we must thank our estimable and differently-vitalized colleague for an exquisite fridge-noting, beautiful in execution and envious in scope. We would happily cede Overlordship of the Ombuds collective to Mr. Rotten if we were not too lazy to abdicate.

Second, we feel it necessary to praise plover’s resurrection of the notorious Icewedge (and many variations thereof). Background, for those of you who insist on feigning interest, can be found here.

Third and most importantly, we are quite happy that Von and other worthies have been unspammed thanks to Forces Beyond Our Control. The new WordPress posting layout is only slightly more terrible than the last, but this is a minor price to pay. Those who disagree will be banned. Again.

Fourth, to answer ZRM when he asked:

Whoah.

This blog is still here?

No.

Any other business?

A minor conflagration

in the condiment wars: assertions that pepper spray is a food product will doubtless be mocked by wiser bloggers than your humble (and occasionally posting) Ombuds, but we may as well set the bar low.

Between Ms. Kelly’s cluelessness and the recent decision defining tomato paste as a vegetable, we can only conclude a conspiracy to discredit Herman Cain and his known association with DorD-worthy pizza companies, as if he needed the help.

That, or viral marketing for an upcoming episode of Chopped.

Other business:

1. We welcome back our esteemed avian colleague plover, and eagerly await the inevitable returning salvos from Fishy McBiaspants.

2. Having not personally seen the new secret header (and being too lazy to refresh the page ad nauseam), we can only assume the presence of giant stone heads, and preemptively approve.

3. We make no apologies for our absence, accountability was specifically omitted from our contract. We have very good attorneys.

4. And they have suggested that this statement be redacted.

Any other business?

Solidarity

As documented below, ZRM has joined Von in the highly exclusive club of flagged commenters. This is a blatant example of anti-Zombie bias, and we will not stand for this action against our honoured colleague. The Ombuds Collective beseeches Pinko to find some way of fixing this. Think of the children!

(Although in fairness it could be that Akismet has become self-aware and is punishing ZRM for his admission that he has “used Pitchfork reviews to discover new music.” There is still no excuse for banning Von, and there never will be.)

In the interim, we would like to open the floor to proposed protest actions.

OTHER BUSINESS:

1. In a follow-up to the Pitchfork post, regarding the release of Jay-Z albums on inauspicious dates, we should mention that Nickleback’s debut album came out on September 11, 2001. We offer no other comment.

2. Jennifer asks: Wasn’t there a contest going on? Yes, and we are appalled to see our header up there.

3. It is somewhat startling that none of this is fish’s fault. Discuss.

A sad day

among aficionados of Dick Cheney jokes (of which, Kathleen reminds us, Yosef remains champion): the contents of his “man-sized safe” have been revealed to contain, in part, a letter of resignation should he become incapacitated due to health reasons.

It makes no mention of in which jar to store his brain, but I am sure our loyal readers will have some suggestions.

OTHER BUSINESS: Since Pinko insists on mentioning Pitchfork outside of the traditional season for doing so, I will therefore inflict upon you their thoughts on the 15th anniversary of their founding. A snippet:

So many– but certainly not all– of the site’s earliest reviews are heavy on the shit-talking and light on the discussion of the music at hand.

“And so are the rest of our reviews, only with more vocabulary,” they did not add.

Any other business?

Filed under: not helping Jennifer

We emerge only briefly from our hibernation to bring you important news: a new species of jumping spider has been discovered, and a contest is being held to name it. Beware of photos of said specimen at the link. You know who you are.

Pinko suggests ploverulus amatiens, but we are partial to the more subtle lapsias gooba, in spite of the patriarchal naming conventions used in descriptive names.

(Astute and worldly readers will note that this same edifice detailed by decidedly more local blogger Substance McGravitas. Thus far, a plaque to commemorate the visit has not been approved.)

Please contribute your suggestions below, or at the link. Bonus points for Phil Collins references and more general depravity.

Any other business?

We are slightly disappointed, and entirely unsurprised

The Goobie Thread, it seems, has reached its saturation point. Speculators, however, are pointing out that Peak Goobie is a long way away, and to invest in shenanigans and squee for a long-term payoff.

Special mention must be made, however, of Dread Lord C’thundra for Rickrolling the thread so late in the game, and for not being the most painful comment to read within it, Brando.

One can only imagine what will happen when the spammers get hold of it.

OTHER BUSINESS:

The glorious Twitter account of JIMJAM has been suspended. We weep for the state of the media. And DINGERS.

It should also be noted that PETA, enemies of meat, would like to change the name of the hallowed Tenderloin District. We suggest that local operatives be dispatched to petition for an alternate name: Pork Snorkel.

Any other business?

State Secrets

We apologize for any confusion created by the following statement:

Citrus Lover must be from BC, probably the only place in Canada balmy enough to be comfortable to a Grapefruit Chupacabra. Never been there myself.

Naturally, we must address this in an objective manner as befits our humble position as part of the Ombuds Collective and Moose Curling League. To wit: we shall change the subject completely.

Item the first: We are sorely disappointed to learn that Støørn remains unconstructed. When will this plague of anti-ungulate bias be stopped?

Item the second: The Goobie Thread, which hardly requires linking, approaches 1900 comments. But will it make it to 2000 by the end of the year? Or, dare I say it, 2011?

Item the third: ZRM, in said thread, back in the yesteryears of February:

Mandos has a point. Is it possible to Zardoz a post that is analyzing Zardoz?

I think not.

I think SO, my shambling friend! The thread has been Goobied.

Any other business?

OTHER BUSINESS

Let us open the self-referential meta-bidding with these unworthy contributions:

*BOOP* HQ
Zombie Rotten McGriddle
Republic of Smoke Dog (and by corollary, Pug Timer)
BLAME FISH™
Blue Skittles in a Technicolour Dream State
Snagtators
Vonbudspants

Any takers?

We interrupt

Pinko’s sly and understated cobagitation with important news.

jexter is BACK.

That is all.