Author Archive for Ombudsglooob

Ahem, Pinko


Apologies to all Ahemmers who are not on the blogroll; but look, we all KNOW 3Bulls is completely .5 assed, right? It wouldn’t be 3 Boolz otherwise.

Now if only the blogroll feed would at least UPDATE more often than every other third Wednesday in a month when the date is a prime number. At least that SEEMS to be the algorithm.

Of course, Von’s and Zombie’s inability to comment is a travesty and they both deserve much praise for bearing up as stoically as they do. Send them money and beer.

Bad Religion




….well, I guess that’s kind of hard to argue with.





Really.  He’s quite upset.

We Are Nowhere And It’s Now


1. all Resident Oms extend warmest bestest wishes to Pinko and GC, as well as thanks for adding their genetic stew to this roiling world of noise and interest. Sue me, I’m not a poet. The Ombudsman Activity Review Board also approves. Huzzah! all around.

1.(A).  Make sure you ask for a Long Form Birth Certificate.  It’s like a receipt, apparently.  Orly Taitz may be able to advise, as well as clean your teeth.

2. From the looks of things, Mendacious D has returned. This, of course, throws the status of the Ombudsmyriad into question. And turmoil. Speaking only for myself (an unusual step for an Om) I have fear that my position will be summarily terminated, and I will be assigned to WND, or worse, Jonah Goldberg. Look at what they did to Pinko Punko, and he’s on the masthead. As strange and frightening as this place is, I confess I feel comfortable here. Look, I wish to make it plain:  if I need to perform “extracurricular services” in order to retain my position, I will.  I can hook you up with half-smokes.

Not to say, of course, that MenD’s renewed contributions won’t be welcome.  3Bulls readership has a LOT of complaints.  High maintenance.  We love our readers, and wish to minimize their psychotic episodes.

3.  It has been reported that there has been discriminatory, near-hate talk in one of the comment threads.  We shall not name names, as we are not about blame-gaming, but suffice to say all participants should keep their hatred for the non-living under wraps while here.

4.  Jennifer rocks, and any confusion about recent art is solely in Blue Girl’s head.  This may seem a bit judgmental, but after review by a panel of Ombuds and a troop of Girls Scouts, it is the only conclusion possible.  It is possible that bribery could change this decision.  However, Jennifer MAY OR MAY NOT be on Notice for the “Ghosts are always White” colorism.

5.  A recent post was titled “UC Must Be Denounced”.  This is a troubling, accusatory header, and 3Bulls normally avoids this kind of drastic language.  It’s hurtful and UC is a standuppish fellow.  But the lack of irony in the face of Night Rangery does, in fact, indicate a severe lapse in judgment, and in suchlike cases, strong header language is warranted.  The fact that this lapse was preceded by the rejection of the Collins does not ameliorate.  One must always be on guard against Rangery incursions.

6.  THIS was worthy of 3Bulls.  Huzzah for Von!  Way to strike against the forces of entropy and choadism.  Golf claps all around.

7.  The previous post title was not misspelled.

8.  RED.

OOOH! (Out Of Our Heads)

After hearing the heartbreaking complaint from a fellow Ombud (the Left Honorable Ombudswagon) to wit:

If Pandora tries to make me listen to Coldplay one more time, I am going to punch Pandora in the face.

We were forced to realize that our resignation from this site was in haste, if not error.  If anybody needs multiple ombuds, it is 3Bulls; not to mention the Serving Ombudspersons/pants/citrus/team/group.

So we spent the better part of our Sunday, watching the Mythbusters marathon and casting about for a solution.  A long, in-depth consultation/barbecue/drinking session with a Certain Martian and a less certain Zombie, eventually determined a knife-like solution to this Gordian Knot of a problem:

Dearest Fellow:  Set your Pandora Channel to the Mekons.  It is virtually guaranteed to avoid Coldplay, or indeed coldplay-like artists.

Thus we have decided to resume our Ombudsly duties on this oh-so-needy weblog, and patiently await your beefs, issues, gripes and general dissatisfaction.

Inside and Out

The suggestion by COBA that ombusdsbeings could ‘learn a thing or two from advice columnists’ has the ombudscommunity in an uproar.  The merest hint of a suggestion that lowly advice peddlers should serve as examples for the time honored tradition of ombuddling is farcical on its face.

For instance, we are constrained from saying “wake up and smell the coffee” by our oath.

Also, the inherent judgementalism inherent in proffering advice to people you’ve never met is antithetical to the neutral demeanor that all ombuds strive for.  This has been stressed by the COBA recently;  It is number one on the newly released Central Ombudsman’s Board of Accession Guidelines, which is currently the Law as far as we Ombudsgroupers are concerned.

We are legally unable to comment on the vision of shooting advice columnists out of a giant vagina like hole.

Further Business:  The Mandos/PP/KWB discussion of events in Iran is very very very good, and deserves chupacabra golf claps.  If you haven’t read it yet, put on your serious panties and go do so.

Moar Bizness:  New Visitor Leadership says:

“I never know what anyone on this blog is saying. I come here for the banners!

Respectfully, I suggest to that Mr/Mr/Ms/Lettuce/Zombie Ship submit banners to the Owners as soon as possible.  Fame and Fortune Await!  In fact, a new banner contest should probably be commenced.  Submitting banners with Battle Raps gains additional points.  BG videos and boxes of cash are, regrettably, not allowed.

On a side note:  dancing hitlers in tutus are in very poor taste.  But hilarious.  Leftous Bubba should consider himself chastised.  Chastised, and applauded.

Finally, it is our sad duty to  report  apparent shenanigans by the proprietors of this weblog.

It has come to our attention that there are multiple ombudstemps roaming this area.  It is obvious (and has been confirmed by an anonymous source named Deep Lettuce) that in order to compensate for the tragic, even if temporary, loss of the irreplaceable D-Mendacious, the proprietor-baggers contracted with NO LESS THAN THREE,  and possibly as many as eleventeen, replacement part-time temporary ombudsbeings.

Not only is this a violation of Internet Traditions and  the labor laws of most states but also and most importantly ancient Ombudsman Tradition, which makes it plain that no more than one ombud must perform his duties for any entity, to forestall the kind of contradiction and kerfuffle as we have seen here of late.

As one of the sad victims of this deception, I feel there is no proper choice but to resign from my temporary post of Ombudsglooob, as well as terminating my membership in COBA.  Indeed, it seems that in the light of this transgression, I must cease practicing Ombuddering.

It is with great sadness I take this step, but ombudethics demand it.  I trust my colleagues will respond appropriately.

With heavy heart, I remain, Ombudsglooob (in name only)

sigh.  I shan’t be back.

Respond to my post, Libs!!!

Re-Rebuttal Butt Butte (half)

Based on recent events, I believe a formal response would be salutary.  Helpful, even.

After the recent kerfuffle over an introductory Ombudsglooob post that was deemed non-ombudshelpfullike, the OARB came down on me like a ton of soggy chicken feathers.  Also, the CCA sent several large stones hurtling through my front door.  I believe I even pissed off the AFL-CIO and NAMBLA.

Item the First: I have discovered that I was in grievous error in describing Certain Various Citrus Monsters as Imaginary.  Indeed, I was visited not only by the Grapefruit Chupacabra three nights ago, but the following night by Tucker the Orange and last night tag teamed by a Frankenlemon and what can only be described as a Key Lime Zombie.  we had long discussions; while edifying, it must be said that Citrus Monsters are not sparkling conversationalists.

Seriously, it was like A Christmas Carol as written by Anita Bryant.  A Citrus Carol.  I fully expect to be visited tonight by an overgrown Mutant Kumquat to infect me with Citrus Canker, unless I bribe a street urchin to go buy me the biggest Pork Snorkel in the shop window.

So, in short, it must be conceded that Citrus Monsters do, in fact, exist, and are willing to disrupt your sleep patterns with long, Ben Stein like monologues if necessary.

Item the Second: The COBA has decried the lack of professionaism, helpfulness, and generally undignified state of 3Bulls.  Now, in my defense, I must state that my OmbudsContract did not include the words “Dignity”  “Professional”  or “Helpful”; indeed, it only contained one “whereas”  and three “ats”.  However, there was mention of “shenanigans”, “cobagitation”, “half-assedness” and several times, “Zardoz”.  Also, a whole section was entitled “When All Hell Breaks Loose”.  And even though I felt there was not enough mention of “Salary”, “Vacation”, “Cuba Libre Lunches” or “Legal Defence”, the agreement was generally satisfactory on both sides.

It must needs be pointed out, however, that failure of execution is not only part of the day to day operation of this dark-blue bloggo, but that it is in fact, a time honored Tradition.  I submit as evidence this Words of Wisdom, seen recently in the sidebar:


I maintain that as Ombudsglooob, I was merely conforming to the 3Bulls Mission Statement.

Item the Thrid:  In the spirit of Ombuddsing, a visitor plaintively asked “Where’s My Pudding?”.  The dessertly nature of this request makes our tempombudsheart fairly burst.  Following on a clue left in a subsequent comment, we discovered that fish’s pudding, was, in fact, taken by Blue Girl.  Furthermore, she ATE IT INCORRECTLY!!  This is, of course, the prerogative of a Cookie Queen, if no less heinous for that.  Without the support of my new Citrus Monster friends, though, I am not equipped to confront this person.  Fortunately she spends all her time these days on Facebook and honking at old people. Maybe the CCA can send a Sternly Worded Letter.  Maybe Minnesota Law Firm can send a Støørnly Worded Letter.   I am going to stay the hell out of it from now on.

Item the Fourth: Phil Collins may be a talented drummer, but he is no longer Cute.  Also, he has been married AS MANY TIMES AS NEWT GINGRICH!!  Something Coming In The Air Tonight, Indeed.  Think about it, won’t you?

Fear not, friendly 3Bulls visitor and/or Reader!  An epochal Ombudspost is in the works!  It will answer half your questions.  Or maybe None.  But full-assedness is RIGHT OUT!!

[EDIT]  I believe I am offended at the Ombudsnick I was assigned.  doesn’t matter which definition you go with.

Half Ass Ahoy!!

umm, hi.

Yeah, I am the Interim Ombudswhatever. Thanks MenD.

In a total 3Bullsian spirit, I fully intend to half ass this assignment in a way that will make the CCA sigh in ennui, the Imaginary Citrus Monsters shuffle off disconsolately, and all applicable Sink Lettuce wilt.

The funny part, the thing that I would complain about, if I wasn’t already Acting Ombudsly, is that while earlier timeframes would have allowed for extensive tomfoolery and brimful shenaniganserei, Klark Kent duties make for time conflicts. Perhaps I need to consult the Time Cube.

In any case, I AM aware of All Internet Traditions, and will do my best within the constraints of Commerce and the Best 3Bullzian Traditions to resolve queries, complaints, and general discontent.

unless, of course, someone else is buying. In which case all bets are off, and hopefully Chuckles’ Brother will be able to steal my password in order to post another wonderful ode to WWII Snipers.

So, you know, submit all your whining in the usual manner.

It should also be mentioned, at this point, that I had started an insightful, humorous, epochal Ombudspost to serve as the introductory. But you know, half ass and all.

One minor point of business, in response to a speicifc request from a Zombee. After review of the exchange, we rule in your favor. Jennifer is BANNZORS.

Umm, if I could figure out how to do that. So until then, ummm, let’s just pretend.

And. Also: visit the new Thunderpants blog, and make an appropriate mess. Zardoz encouraged,