Author Archive for Ombudswagon

UNACCEPTABLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!11111!1!one!

It is clearly the red line that must not be passed as no action is more heinous. Totally unacceptable.

What is?

Using chemical weapons.

You mean like white phosphorous?

No that is okay.

Napalm?

Napalm is okay.

Agent Orange?

SARIN, I MEAN SARIN!!! LIKE IN SYRIA!!! Totally inhumane, cruel, only the most monstrous of the monsters would ever use it.

Yeah, killing people is bad.

No, I mean killing them with sarin gas is totally horrible!

Bullets are pretty horrible.

Everyone uses bullets. Those are okay.

But they kill people too.

Doesn’t matter, that kind of killing is allowed.

Because they are less dead?

Well, no. But it is worse to kill with sarin.

Because they are more dead?

Right. Wait, no. They are not more dead with sarin. It’s just worse okay? Killing with chemicals is bad. BAD!

Unless you are Texas.

Right.

 

I blame fish

There have been multiple complaints regarding this blog and the propensity for extensive arguments. The Ombuds collective acknowledges that arguments must be avoided at all costs as they have a tendency to make David Broder uncomfortable. It has also been noted that these arguments are taking place without the proper safety training as required by Article E, Section M, Subheading U. So before we continue, it is required that you all view this argument training video:

Fish stole the video. Let us proceed then. A rigorous statistical analysis of the argument phenomenon that is occurring in the greater 3Bulls(!) blogosphere revealed only one  common causative modality with a P Value reaching significance (p=0.0): fish. Yes, it appears fish is a major root cause of argumentation. I am afraid that an intervention is required.

There is a problem however. How does one actually intervene with a chronic arguer? The first step is to recognize the signs of the arguing addict to be sure the diagnosis is correct:

1) Does the individual head into the bathroom carrying a copy of Debaters Weekly and mumbling something about becoming a “Master”?

2) Do you have to put parental controls on the TV to block The McLaughlin Group?

3) Must you never say the words “designated hitter” out loud in his or her presence?

4) Have you heard enough about salt already?

Given criteria such as those above, it is clear to the Ombuds that fish has a serious problem and runs the risk of making David Broder cry if he does not get the help that he needs.

This Ombud has a few recommended actions:

1) pick up apparatus; use apparatus, play video of Kennedy/Nixon debate while playing Rush at full volume.

2) mark fish’s IP as spam and then initiate an argument between Mandos and Plover on the post-modern theory as applied to the inherent sexism of Linux use in the movie Avatar.

3) Read Matt Yglesias’ justification for the Iraq War out loud and apply strong electroshock every time he audibly snorts.

4) Cancel his subscriptions to Z Magazine and the Utne Reader. Force him to subscribe to and read TNR, Slate, and The Nation. Refuse to discuss or consider any points of view other than David Corn’s.

5) Any time he brings up Chomsky, say that “Jonah Goldberg really has a more interesting take on this topic”.

6) Agree with everything he says. (this may be an unworkable solution)

I am sure with aggressive treatment, we can get fish to allow someone else to speak once in a while. If he continues on his current path, he is in danger of using up all the letters on the internets. Let’s get him re-socialized and ready to become a productive member of society again. Won’t you help fish instead of cursing him?

(64)

Junk food

There has been a recent plea shouted into the dark vacuum of the internet:

Also, what can the ombudscommittee do about this travesty appearing in my inbox

Junk Foods That Could Save Your Life
August 7, 2009

From Cheez Whiz to blue M&M’s, here are five dietary don’ts with surprising health virtues. More…

Fortunately for Kathleen, wagons of ombud (this is not what the MoH thinks it is) can hear just fine in a vacuum.

Kathleen is correct, immediate action is needed. I, Ombudwagon, will take this important responsibility onto myself. Much like the several months I spent deeply researching issues regarding esoteric pornography other stuff, I will now throw myself into dealing with the travesty that has assaulted Kathleen from this e-missive. I believe the action items for dealing with the aforementioned problem are:

1) Transfer the entire abomination to one Pinko Punko using a preferred method of e-transfer.

2) Someone temporarily un-fire one Pinko Punko until such time as he can post the e-transferred e-missive in its e-ntirety into Delish or Disgust. Re-termination (or even re-animation if the timing is good) can be immediately enacted upon completion of his duties.

3) Tapping into the power of the internets, we can then  “crowdsource” the validity of the purported health claims for the various “junk foods.” Volunteers will extreme test each foodstuff for its potential health benefits and report back results to the central junk food bureau of standards and measures.

N.B.  Experimentation is encouraged in maximizing potential benefits through food synergies. E.g. Would Cheez Whiz Blue M&M pie confer additive or synergistic benefits to the eater?

4) Once the data has been carefully vetted and all important conclusions have been made, we will then proceed to ignore the report because who actually reads D or D anyway? Well at least it isn’t Celebrity Dream Cameo…

Complaint filed

Warning: If Pandora tries to make me listen to Coldplay one more time, I am going to punch Pandora in the face.

No, Seriously

does anybody know who’s pants these are?

Rebuttal

Thus a case of semigrammaticalness of a different sort is to be regarded as a stipulation to place the constructions into these various categories.Clearly, any associated supporting element does not affect the structure of the strong generative capacity of the theory.Clearly, an important property of these three types of EC raises serious doubts about a corpus of utterance tokens upon which conformity has been defined by the paired utterance test.For one thing, the theory of syntactic features developed earlier is not subject to the strong generative capacity of the theory.Note that a case of semigrammaticalness of a different sort raises serious doubts about the levels of acceptability from fairly high (e.g. (99a)) to virtual gibberish (e.g. (98d)).

Clueless

…unh…
…what?…
………where am I?….
who am I?…
So dark in here. Let me just light the candle in this candlestick.
There. [looking around]
I see a painting with a jar of mustard holding a revolver.
Interesting.
Green bowl on the table with some lovely plums. I hope nobody eats them.
There’s a knife, I could cut one up for myself…
Off to the left, I can see, what is that? Oh, a white sink with lettuce in it.
It seems to be leaking. The pipes could use a twist with a wrench. I wonder if there is one of those around here?
[stands up] Uh, my head still spins when I try to stand. Scarlet speckles invade my peripheral vision, almost blacked out. [sits down again]
I should really stay away from the tequila, my head feels like it is stuffed with a peacock.
I have no idea how I got roped into this. [looks down]

OH MY GOD!!!!eleven111!!!iii!

WHO’S PANTS ARE THESE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!