Archive for the '' Category

Low-hanging fruit

Published by Mendacious D, Ombirdspersonmoose on June 29, 2012 in 'baggery, BLAME™, Ombudspersonpantsmoose and Yglesi-yesyoush*tcan. 21 Comments

Readers of the blog are well-aware already of our cordial distaste for the writings of one Matthew Yglesias, Slate’s “business and economics blogger,” a term of endearment and ridicule among the those who should know better (see: McArdle, Megan). One of his recent efforts is an attempt at lauding the business practices of the Apple Store, which employ “Geniuses” at the astronomical wage of $11 per hour. Behold the end of the first paragraph:

The converse of Apple Store workers not being rich despite the company’s success is that Sears & K-Mart workers don’t earn negative wages even though their company loses money.

The existence of layoffs is apparently not a thing at Slate (he said without irony). Also not included in an article titled, in part: “What if the Apple Store were the worst job around?” are the terms “minimum wage,” “outsourcing,” and “FoxConn.” We are not unopposed (THANK YOU ZOMBIE FOR GRAMMAR CORRECTION) to Apple products, but if MattY wishes to hold them up as a shining beacon of benevolent American capitalism, he might first try to live on under $25,000 like so many of his fellow Americans already do, and see how many of Apple’s stock shares ($580 each at the time of writing) his salary will allow him to purchase.

There is probably some irony in the fact that a company which provides their wares at a substantial markup while providing minimal benefits for their workers saw fit to employ someome to write about Apple.

We are also obliged to note that Cogitamus’ Sir Charles uses the term “Apple Slapping” in his post title discussing the subject. And so Filthbot arises again. This may have been the entire point of these introductory paragraphs. On to our actual appointed task:

1. fish: Everything is still fish’s fault. This will not be disputed.

2. A minor request: Pinko, via secret communication, wishes to be convinced one way or the other on the merits of Rush v. Japandroids. Our own sympathies in the matter are well-known, therefore we are recusing ourselves. However, others may present their arguments. As in Democracy, the only losers are those who take no side.

3. There is no third thing.

4. Almost immediate update! Someone in DorD adds:

What kind of fascist has effing MATH instead of a CAPTCHA? Are you trying to prove that we’re human, or that we didn’t go to an American public school?

Carry on.

Solidarity

Published by Mendacious D, Ombirdspersonmoose on September 14, 2011 in BLAME™ and Ombudspersonpantsmoose. 20 Comments

As documented below, ZRM has joined Von in the highly exclusive club of flagged commenters. This is a blatant example of anti-Zombie bias, and we will not stand for this action against our honoured colleague. The Ombuds Collective beseeches Pinko to find some way of fixing this. Think of the children!

(Although in fairness it could be that Akismet has become self-aware and is punishing ZRM for his admission that he has “used Pitchfork reviews to discover new music.” There is still no excuse for banning Von, and there never will be.)

In the interim, we would like to open the floor to proposed protest actions.

OTHER BUSINESS:

1. In a follow-up to the Pitchfork post, regarding the release of Jay-Z albums on inauspicious dates, we should mention that Nickleback’s debut album came out on September 11, 2001. We offer no other comment.

2. Jennifer asks: Wasn’t there a contest going on? Yes, and we are appalled to see our header up there.

3. It is somewhat startling that none of this is fish’s fault. Discuss.

Ahem!

Published by Ombudspersonpantaloons on February 27, 2011 in BLAME™, Carrot Attack and Ombudspersonpantsmoose. 15 Comments

It has come to our attention that the ombudsing on this weblog has crawled/shambled/stumbled to a halt, perhaps even with its pants down around its ankles.

Therefore, it is time to address reader complaints and concerns.

Hello, Reader Complaints and Concerns!

On the chance that there are any from those who have not already shan’t be backed, please list them in the comments.

All the best,

Furthermore, WordPress 3.1 is available! Please notify the site administrator.

Furtherfuthermore, James Franco

State Secrets

Published by Mendacious D, Ombirdspersonmoose on December 21, 2010 in BLAME™, Ombudspersonpantsmoose and The Pleasures of Moosology. 10 Comments

We apologize for any confusion created by the following statement:

Citrus Lover must be from BC, probably the only place in Canada balmy enough to be comfortable to a Grapefruit Chupacabra. Never been there myself.

Naturally, we must address this in an objective manner as befits our humble position as part of the Ombuds Collective and Moose Curling League. To wit: we shall change the subject completely.

Item the first: We are sorely disappointed to learn that Støørn remains unconstructed. When will this plague of anti-ungulate bias be stopped?

Item the second: The Goobie Thread, which hardly requires linking, approaches 1900 comments. But will it make it to 2000 by the end of the year? Or, dare I say it, 2011?

Item the third: ZRM, in said thread, back in the yesteryears of February:

Mandos has a point. Is it possible to Zardoz a post that is analyzing Zardoz?

I think not.

I think SO, my shambling friend! The thread has been Goobied.

Any other business?

A mounting menace

Published by Mendacious D, Ombirdspersonmoose on July 29, 2010 in BLAME™, Ombudspersonpantsmoose and The Constant Hunger of PupH. 26 Comments

First, we must bring you sad news: Theo Albrecht, the co-founder of Trader Joe’s, has passed away. We suspect Pinko will be pouring out a handful of Marcona Almonds with Rosemary and Sea Salt, and scarfing the rest.

Second and more in keeping with the actual responsibilities conferred upon this writer (along with “not ever posting”): the sudden increase in spam, even in the Sacred Goobie Thread. Have these machines no shame?

In all fairness, however, the commenter responses have been top-notch.

Drastic measures have not yet been called for, as the outbreak may not be as bad as it appears, but we have devised a response nonetheless, which we humbly offer to the 3Bulls! Working Committee on Not doing Anything:

We recommend the instatement of PupH as comment eater. Other nominations are welcome, of course, and we look forward to a respectful and spirited debate on the matter. And more spam.

There is no other business.

An Existential Dilemma

Published by Mendacious D, Ombirdspersonmoose on June 1, 2010 in BLAME™, Blog Nemeses, Canadian Curling Association Cobaggery and Ombudspersonpantsmoose. 20 Comments

Two seemingly unrelated things must be shared with you. Fret not: all shall be made clear.

Exhibit A:

We must first rejoice that Another Kiwi Smut Clyde (thanks to AK in comments) may have uncovered The Ombudsmøøse’s holy descendancy. However, some unfortunate souls dispute the findings. We are certain that our esteemed colleagues from the Order of Ombudsentities and Their Bourbons shall be issuing a press release forthwith. The bourbons, that is. They are obviously of purer spirit.

Exhibit Q, emphasis (but no exclamations!) added:

The CCA publishes an entry on its blog on “How to lose a customer without even trying!” including the exclamation! point. The irony is devastating, the following in particular:

Generally, it is inexpensive to build an awareness campaign. Newspapers often have community news areas and/or you can purchase radio time. You can but up signage outside the [curling] club, on the street or wherever you can get the message across. Of course, in today’s world web sites (are almost becoming traditional media) and Social media like Facebook are a must. If you’re not on the internet, you don’t exist!!

Thus we are forced to confront the reality that if an ombuds doesn’t post, the ombuds may not exist. It would, at the very least, be commensurate with the pay scale.

Discuss. Or don’t. Exaltations regarding Yosef’s long-awaited return calling out the Aforementioned Kiwi Smut Clyde’s esteemed colleague may be substituted. Personally, we await PupH’s entry: a Beef Wellington recipe spray-painted onto the side of Westpac Stadium.

Any other business?

(GS Update: “Recycled Westpac Stadium/PupH Joke below)
Continue reading ‘An Existential Dilemma’

I blame fish

Published by Ombudswagon on April 12, 2010 in Aside, BLAME™, Blog Nemeses, Cobagitation, Emu Alert, fish vs shorebird, Incivility, Internet Fixing, On Beyond Emus, Reader Feedback and Rush. 64 Comments

There have been multiple complaints regarding this blog and the propensity for extensive arguments. The Ombuds collective acknowledges that arguments must be avoided at all costs as they have a tendency to make David Broder uncomfortable. It has also been noted that these arguments are taking place without the proper safety training as required by Article E, Section M, Subheading U. So before we continue, it is required that you all view this argument training video:

Fish stole the video. Let us proceed then. A rigorous statistical analysis of the argument phenomenon that is occurring in the greater 3Bulls(!) blogosphere revealed only one  common causative modality with a P Value reaching significance (p=0.0): fish. Yes, it appears fish is a major root cause of argumentation. I am afraid that an intervention is required.

There is a problem however. How does one actually intervene with a chronic arguer? The first step is to recognize the signs of the arguing addict to be sure the diagnosis is correct:

1) Does the individual head into the bathroom carrying a copy of Debaters Weekly and mumbling something about becoming a “Master”?

2) Do you have to put parental controls on the TV to block The McLaughlin Group?

3) Must you never say the words “designated hitter” out loud in his or her presence?

4) Have you heard enough about salt already?

Given criteria such as those above, it is clear to the Ombuds that fish has a serious problem and runs the risk of making David Broder cry if he does not get the help that he needs.

This Ombud has a few recommended actions:

1) pick up apparatus; use apparatus, play video of Kennedy/Nixon debate while playing Rush at full volume.

2) mark fish’s IP as spam and then initiate an argument between Mandos and Plover on the post-modern theory as applied to the inherent sexism of Linux use in the movie Avatar.

3) Read Matt Yglesias’ justification for the Iraq War out loud and apply strong electroshock every time he audibly snorts.

4) Cancel his subscriptions to Z Magazine and the Utne Reader. Force him to subscribe to and read TNR, Slate, and The Nation. Refuse to discuss or consider any points of view other than David Corn’s.

5) Any time he brings up Chomsky, say that “Jonah Goldberg really has a more interesting take on this topic”.

6) Agree with everything he says. (this may be an unworkable solution)

I am sure with aggressive treatment, we can get fish to allow someone else to speak once in a while. If he continues on his current path, he is in danger of using up all the letters on the internets. Let’s get him re-socialized and ready to become a productive member of society again. Won’t you help fish instead of cursing him?

(64)

JIMJAM

Published by Mendacious D, Ombirdspersonmoose on February 3, 2010 in BLAME™, Flights of Fancy, Games People Play, Jim Thome's ****, Ombudspersonpantsmoose and THFJTC. 38 Comments

In our last column, ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© and Gregor both ask where everyone has gone.

As usual, we have no useful answers to this, so instead we turn to the Oracle itself, Jim Thome’s (possibly fake) Twitter account:

DO YOU GUYS WANT TO KNOW THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THE INTERWEBS OR DO YOU WANT TO SEE JIM JAM HIT SOME DINGERS?

I believe the answer is clear. Let us further explore this wisdom. On Salinger:

I NEVER DID UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD PLACE YOUR CATCHER ON SOME BREAD

A no-trade clause, perhaps?

On Fake Ozzie Guillen:

I HOPE YOU AREN’T SERIOUS ABOUT WANTED FISTED CUFFS, @FAKEOZZIE. JIMMERS IS A LOVER NOT A FIG

Fisted Cuffs. We sense an impending fashion trend. And figs

And, a further sign that the Pork Snorkel is slowly seeping into the sports culture:

I WOULD LIKE TO ADMIT TO THE USAGE OF HAM TO HELP ME HIT LOTS OF DINGERS

And immediately following:

YOUR SUPPORT MAKES JIMMERS FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIS USAGE OF CURED MEATS TO GAIN A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE

While we do not normally condone posting in all caps, but we feel it is justified in this case. Commenters take note: this is only acceptable in cases of poking fun at sports fans. Example.

If you have any questions, I am certain Mr. Thome will be happy to answer them. DINGERS.

New Feature at IBTP

Published by Pinko Punko on October 17, 2009 in BLAME™, Cloacular and Cobags. 17 Comments

Ways in Which the Internet Sucks. Not surprisingly it finds a way to include Jake Tapper, who we simply and cruelly wound by the mere fact of mentioning him in the negative light he so sadly deserves.

We’ve been waiting for just this moment to present some CNN.com screen caps from this week.

A)
cnn1

If only the confused bisexual lesbians could make up their minds, we’d be able to finally conquer this health care debate and make it to Mars. Global warming sadly, is linked to bi-racial men who can’t decide what flavor slurpee they want, and seems intractable.

B)
cnn2

Blarp. Psssssssssssss. *Deflate* POP, Whirrrrr. Sigh.

Inside and Out

Published by Ombudsglooob on June 18, 2009 in 'baggery, BLAME™, Extra Meta and Shenanometer Pegged Needle. 10 Comments

The suggestion by COBA that ombusdsbeings could ‘learn a thing or two from advice columnists’ has the ombudscommunity in an uproar.  The merest hint of a suggestion that lowly advice peddlers should serve as examples for the time honored tradition of ombuddling is farcical on its face.

For instance, we are constrained from saying “wake up and smell the coffee” by our oath.

Also, the inherent judgementalism inherent in proffering advice to people you’ve never met is antithetical to the neutral demeanor that all ombuds strive for.  This has been stressed by the COBA recently;  It is number one on the newly released Central Ombudsman’s Board of Accession Guidelines, which is currently the Law as far as we Ombudsgroupers are concerned.

We are legally unable to comment on the vision of shooting advice columnists out of a giant vagina like hole.

Further Business:  The Mandos/PP/KWB discussion of events in Iran is very very very good, and deserves chupacabra golf claps.  If you haven’t read it yet, put on your serious panties and go do so.

Moar Bizness:  New Visitor Leadership says:

“I never know what anyone on this blog is saying. I come here for the banners!

Respectfully, I suggest to that Mr/Mr/Ms/Lettuce/Zombie Ship submit banners to the Owners as soon as possible.  Fame and Fortune Await!  In fact, a new banner contest should probably be commenced.  Submitting banners with Battle Raps gains additional points.  BG videos and boxes of cash are, regrettably, not allowed.

On a side note:  dancing hitlers in tutus are in very poor taste.  But hilarious.  Leftous Bubba should consider himself chastised.  Chastised, and applauded.

Finally, it is our sad duty to  report  apparent shenanigans by the proprietors of this weblog.

It has come to our attention that there are multiple ombudstemps roaming this area.  It is obvious (and has been confirmed by an anonymous source named Deep Lettuce) that in order to compensate for the tragic, even if temporary, loss of the irreplaceable D-Mendacious, the proprietor-baggers contracted with NO LESS THAN THREE,  and possibly as many as eleventeen, replacement part-time temporary ombudsbeings.

Not only is this a violation of Internet Traditions and  the labor laws of most states but also and most importantly ancient Ombudsman Tradition, which makes it plain that no more than one ombud must perform his duties for any entity, to forestall the kind of contradiction and kerfuffle as we have seen here of late.

As one of the sad victims of this deception, I feel there is no proper choice but to resign from my temporary post of Ombudsglooob, as well as terminating my membership in COBA.  Indeed, it seems that in the light of this transgression, I must cease practicing Ombuddering.

It is with great sadness I take this step, but ombudethics demand it.  I trust my colleagues will respond appropriately.

With heavy heart, I remain, Ombudsglooob (in name only)

sigh.  I shan’t be back.

Respond to my post, Libs!!!