Archive for the 'but what the hell' Category

A mind is a terrible lizard

I recently came across the following sentence:

I, for example, cannot imagine how the giant sauropods mated, except through the use of telekinesis.

I have two modest proposals for a solution to this conundrum.

1) Face-to-face

Find a lake with a depth equal to a little under twice the height of a sauropod torso. (If you can’t find such a lake, get a sauropod to dig you one. Tell the sauropod it gets to mate when it’s finished.) Put a sauropod in the lake. Tell it to roll over. Don’t take no, or, more to the point, blank incomprehension, for an answer. Note that the long neck conveniently allows the sauropod to keep its head out of the water while lying on its back. Put a second sauropod, of the opposite sex, in the lake. Presuming a reasonable amount of buoyancy on the part of sauropods, it should now be possible to fire up “Swan Lake” and have them dock together.

2) Oral sex

A male sauropod could perform oral sex on itself then on a female, or, conversely, a female could attend to a male first and then herself. While this explanation, like the previous one, would show selection pressure for long necks, it’s less clear there would be all that much selection pressure for gender discrimination, and sauropods may have gone around having oral sex pretty much at random. Cue outrage about how Darwinists want to teach your kids about gay dinosaurs.


The source of the quote is the 1987 novel Daughter of the Bear King by Eleanor Arnason, which features an appendix providing an evolutionary explanation for why dinosaurs were magical. The novel is one of the odder SF/fantasy hybrids I’ve come across, and so far I can’t really convince myself that it works, though it is interesting. However, Arnason would go on to write A Woman of the Iron People and Ring of Swords, two of the best anthropological sf novels around.

Prepared remarks

It is our duty to address the state of the blog, given recent developments in health care reform, such as the fact that it’s even happening in America. Welcome to the latter half of the 20th century.

The blog’s excellent benefits plan will continue unimpeded, although a slightly higher deductible will apply to the Claimed Bourbon Allowance, as outlined in section OMG (WTF), subsection eleventy!!!1! This is not to be confused with subsection eleventy!!1!! which is solely concerned with maintaining non-lethal levels of cuteness when posting pictures of Goobie.

Emu egg sales are expected to increase sharply, which should offset any higher premiums, and along with pork snorkel futures averaged net profits are projected to maintain their steady growth of 0%. Construction of the llama topiary will continue, however, as NEA grants do not count as part of the operating budget, and is expected to begin turning a profit upon completion next year.

Unfortunately, we are still in the midst of an economic downturn, and so a few sacrifices will have to be made, most notably that the life-size tribute to Støørn is immediately suspended pending a better price on blue Skittles. In addition, the budget for this year’s Moose Curling Tournament and Staff Retreat has been slashed to virtually nothing, owing to continued payment of damages incurred during last year’s retreat.

Also, to maintain an adequate level of confusion, the next contest to be announced is cancelled.

Any other business?

Ombudsman Heritage Week: Q&A edition

Von, of all people, asks at ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©’s place:

How does one enroll in OmbusAcademY?
is there like a test or something?

Indeed there is! Enrolment in the 3Bulls! Academy of Ombudsmeese involves an intensive selection process, rigorous written examinations, a near-pathological dislike of Pitchfork, and a studied disregard for the gripes of our dear, dear readership. It is not an easy undertaking. The interview process alone (known as the Trials of Umbrage) can break down even the most YouTube-hardened commenter.

The written portion requires an extensive knowledge of condiments and BUBBLE TEA, as well as a demonstrated familiarity with the only occasionally sensical vocabulary of this blog.

Once the applicant has passed the selection process and the Antlers of Incomprehensibility have been bestowed, training begins. Novitiates are required to modify their diet in order to develop an immunity to Ghost Melon, Grapefruit Chupacabra and other genus Citrullus entities. There is also limited exposure the RedState, WorldNetDaily, and other toxic substances, in order to better condition trainees for the rigors ahead. If overexposure occurs (and it is always a risk), a healthy dose of Somerby is administered immediately, followed by a decompression period at Sadly, No!

When the trainee has toiled to the satisfaction of the editorship, the secretive Rite of the Pork Snorkel takes place. This cannot be discussed openly. Only qualified students may learn of, and attempt to survive, its delicious mysteries.

Finally, once the smoke has cleared and all the barbecue sauce has been scoured from the ceiling, survivors are given a lengthy login name, an amusing password, and set loose on an unsuspecting public.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Any questions?

In my village a man could become ruptured lifting 15 pesetas of Manchego cheese

The Bulls of Salamanca

Who Gnu?

GFoH has a hair curling iron and a hair straightening iron. I imagine them in mortal combat.

OOOH! (Out Of Our Heads)

After hearing the heartbreaking complaint from a fellow Ombud (the Left Honorable Ombudswagon) to wit:

If Pandora tries to make me listen to Coldplay one more time, I am going to punch Pandora in the face.

We were forced to realize that our resignation from this site was in haste, if not error.  If anybody needs multiple ombuds, it is 3Bulls; not to mention the Serving Ombudspersons/pants/citrus/team/group.

So we spent the better part of our Sunday, watching the Mythbusters marathon and casting about for a solution.  A long, in-depth consultation/barbecue/drinking session with a Certain Martian and a less certain Zombie, eventually determined a knife-like solution to this Gordian Knot of a problem:

Dearest Fellow:  Set your Pandora Channel to the Mekons.  It is virtually guaranteed to avoid Coldplay, or indeed coldplay-like artists.

Thus we have decided to resume our Ombudsly duties on this oh-so-needy weblog, and patiently await your beefs, issues, gripes and general dissatisfaction.


Thus a case of semigrammaticalness of a different sort is to be regarded as a stipulation to place the constructions into these various categories.Clearly, any associated supporting element does not affect the structure of the strong generative capacity of the theory.Clearly, an important property of these three types of EC raises serious doubts about a corpus of utterance tokens upon which conformity has been defined by the paired utterance test.For one thing, the theory of syntactic features developed earlier is not subject to the strong generative capacity of the theory.Note that a case of semigrammaticalness of a different sort raises serious doubts about the levels of acceptability from fairly high (e.g. (99a)) to virtual gibberish (e.g. (98d)).

Exclusive! Secret Pinko Punko tape! Only at 3B!

Now that Pinko Punko has sold out gone Galt torpedoed his reputation gotten his big break at Sadly, No!, we feel it is in the finest internet tradition to leak this early demo reel from his days busing tablesI originally typed “bussing tables”. Rumor has it that that occurred also. and splicing genes.

A strangely pertinent video

Though perhaps partaking a bit too unselfconsciously of the “You zombies get off my lawn!” vibe. Also engages in cetacean zombie tokenism.

Pinko Punko, International Investigator

Episode 1: A Moose Too Far

(Blame fish.)