Archive for the 'Canadian Curling Association Cobaggery' Category

Big Taxonomy strikes again

In a move possibly revealing their secret relationship with the Canadian Curling Association, the American Ornithological Union — a front organization if I ever saw one — is autocratically reordering the furniture of the universe. Citing “genetic” “information” from “scientists”, they have decided that snowy plovers are a distinct species, not a sub-species of Kentish plovers as previously thought, and thus must be known as Charadrius nivosus rather than Charadrius alexandrinus nivosus. This, as you may guess, causes distress, hangnails, gastroenteritis, and bureaucracy.

I would no doubt regard being declared a separate “species” as some kind of blatant eugenics program if the other Kentish plovers didn’t horde all the scones for themselves. I would also no doubt inform the AOU that I shan’t be back, if I’d ever been there. But, of course, “there” is nothing but an empty lot with emus nesting in it, as is clearly seen in the satellite photo below. Don’t be surprised if the next time they rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic, it is to put you in one of them.

Eemuuus innn spaaaaaaace!!!

An Existential Dilemma

Two seemingly unrelated things must be shared with you. Fret not: all shall be made clear.

Exhibit A:

We must first rejoice that Another Kiwi Smut Clyde (thanks to AK in comments) may have uncovered The Ombudsmøøse’s holy descendancy. However, some unfortunate souls dispute the findings. We are certain that our esteemed colleagues from the Order of Ombudsentities and Their Bourbons shall be issuing a press release forthwith. The bourbons, that is. They are obviously of purer spirit.

Exhibit Q, emphasis (but no exclamations!) added:

The CCA publishes an entry on its blog on “How to lose a customer without even trying!” including the exclamation! point. The irony is devastating, the following in particular:

Generally, it is inexpensive to build an awareness campaign. Newspapers often have community news areas and/or you can purchase radio time. You can but up signage outside the [curling] club, on the street or wherever you can get the message across. Of course, in today’s world web sites (are almost becoming traditional media) and Social media like Facebook are a must. If you’re not on the internet, you don’t exist!!

Thus we are forced to confront the reality that if an ombuds doesn’t post, the ombuds may not exist. It would, at the very least, be commensurate with the pay scale.

Discuss. Or don’t. Exaltations regarding Yosef’s long-awaited return calling out the Aforementioned Kiwi Smut Clyde’s esteemed colleague may be substituted. Personally, we await PupH’s entry: a Beef Wellington recipe spray-painted onto the side of Westpac Stadium.

Any other business?

(GS Update: “Recycled Westpac Stadium/PupH Joke below)
Continue reading ‘An Existential Dilemma’

What Star Chamber Bullsh*t Does the CCA Have for Vancouver 2010?

No matter what the result of the curling, it seems probably to conclude that the CCA will have its sinister hand in the game. What say you?

An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!

ombuddy seal of approval

Introducing the Ombud… Seal of Approval (OSA)!

Do you, gentle and not so gentle readers, often find yourself approaching new Three Bulls! posts with trepidation verging on fear?

Do you find yourself wondering:

Will there be an Ombud… available if I have any questions, concerns or complaints about this post?

Have the photographs in this post been analyzed by trained professionals for hidden meanings, nuance and most importantly matters related to the state of the union?

Will anything be harmed in anyway by the content of or omissions from this post?

Are the authors of this post sufficiently non partisan?

Does this post contain verified facts and/or science related to politics, life or other contentious issues without presenting the reader with opposing wackadoodle beliefs for balance?

Can the terms “teabag” and “teabagging,” as used in this post, be interpreted in an inappropriate manner?

Does this post contain opinion?

Have the authors considered every side of every coin?

Is this post civil or will it lead to incivility?

Will this post hurt my feelings or the feelings of others?

What’s the number of the complaint line and what happens if it is busy?

Were John McCain and Joe Lieberman briefed on the content of this post?

Will I get hungry part way through this post?

Will I get it?

Continue reading ‘An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!’

They’re not even trying to hide it any more…

Posted without comment.

Belly of the Beast

Re-Rebuttal Butt Butte (half)

Based on recent events, I believe a formal response would be salutary.  Helpful, even.

After the recent kerfuffle over an introductory Ombudsglooob post that was deemed non-ombudshelpfullike, the OARB came down on me like a ton of soggy chicken feathers.  Also, the CCA sent several large stones hurtling through my front door.  I believe I even pissed off the AFL-CIO and NAMBLA.

Item the First: I have discovered that I was in grievous error in describing Certain Various Citrus Monsters as Imaginary.  Indeed, I was visited not only by the Grapefruit Chupacabra three nights ago, but the following night by Tucker the Orange and last night tag teamed by a Frankenlemon and what can only be described as a Key Lime Zombie.  we had long discussions; while edifying, it must be said that Citrus Monsters are not sparkling conversationalists.

Seriously, it was like A Christmas Carol as written by Anita Bryant.  A Citrus Carol.  I fully expect to be visited tonight by an overgrown Mutant Kumquat to infect me with Citrus Canker, unless I bribe a street urchin to go buy me the biggest Pork Snorkel in the shop window.

So, in short, it must be conceded that Citrus Monsters do, in fact, exist, and are willing to disrupt your sleep patterns with long, Ben Stein like monologues if necessary.

Item the Second: The COBA has decried the lack of professionaism, helpfulness, and generally undignified state of 3Bulls.  Now, in my defense, I must state that my OmbudsContract did not include the words “Dignity”  “Professional”  or “Helpful”; indeed, it only contained one “whereas”  and three “ats”.  However, there was mention of “shenanigans”, “cobagitation”, “half-assedness” and several times, “Zardoz”.  Also, a whole section was entitled “When All Hell Breaks Loose”.  And even though I felt there was not enough mention of “Salary”, “Vacation”, “Cuba Libre Lunches” or “Legal Defence”, the agreement was generally satisfactory on both sides.

It must needs be pointed out, however, that failure of execution is not only part of the day to day operation of this dark-blue bloggo, but that it is in fact, a time honored Tradition.  I submit as evidence this Words of Wisdom, seen recently in the sidebar:


I maintain that as Ombudsglooob, I was merely conforming to the 3Bulls Mission Statement.

Item the Thrid:  In the spirit of Ombuddsing, a visitor plaintively asked “Where’s My Pudding?”.  The dessertly nature of this request makes our tempombudsheart fairly burst.  Following on a clue left in a subsequent comment, we discovered that fish’s pudding, was, in fact, taken by Blue Girl.  Furthermore, she ATE IT INCORRECTLY!!  This is, of course, the prerogative of a Cookie Queen, if no less heinous for that.  Without the support of my new Citrus Monster friends, though, I am not equipped to confront this person.  Fortunately she spends all her time these days on Facebook and honking at old people. Maybe the CCA can send a Sternly Worded Letter.  Maybe Minnesota Law Firm can send a Støørnly Worded Letter.   I am going to stay the hell out of it from now on.

Item the Fourth: Phil Collins may be a talented drummer, but he is no longer Cute.  Also, he has been married AS MANY TIMES AS NEWT GINGRICH!!  Something Coming In The Air Tonight, Indeed.  Think about it, won’t you?

Fear not, friendly 3Bulls visitor and/or Reader!  An epochal Ombudspost is in the works!  It will answer half your questions.  Or maybe None.  But full-assedness is RIGHT OUT!!

[EDIT]  I believe I am offended at the Ombudsnick I was assigned.  doesn’t matter which definition you go with.

A new era of bipartisanship

To begin, we present a brief excerpt from the proceedings of the Annual General Meeting of the Itty Bitty Kitty Kattwood Committee:

The Chair recognizes the ungulate in the grey fedora.

Thank you, Madam Ottoman. I would like to take a point of personal privilege to address a minor issue of disagreement amongst the delegates that has been brewing for some time. As we all know, a recent fracas, or rumpus, erupted amongst the membership regarding the tolerance, or lack thereof, of blue M&Ms. While this is in direct violation of the articles of the Wonka Charter, we do not wish for the situation to get out of hand.

Therefore, we have taken it upon ourselves to broker a potential solution to this conflict. I give you: personalized M&Ms. You may now consume each other in effigy and in whatever colour you wish. Thank you for your time.

Moving on, we find that our declared enemy, the Canadian Curling Association, is defaming the sport with its usual talent. Witness the following photograph attached to a press release on the Canadian Junior Curling Championship being held in sunny Salmon Arm, British Columbia: Continue reading ‘A new era of bipartisanship’

Obviously the CCA is not doing its job

As is well known, at least on this website, the job of the Canadian Curling Association is cobaggery, or more specifically, attempting to raise the level of cobaggery in Canadadia to the point where that country will be associated in people’s minds with cobaggery. At the moment, they appear to be failing miserably, as Canadadians (at least female Jewish Canadadians) appear to be engaging in flagrant acts of noncobaggery, uncobaggery, and possibly even anticobaggery. (The protesters were arrested by da Mounties and then released.)

Meanwhile, here, south of the border, where moose fear to tread due to the possibility of having to deal with the health “care” “system”, we have, um, Thomas Friedman. It seems necessary to blame the CCA for this, too. If they had it together and were really getting their cobag on up in Canadaland, they might even be able to attract one T. Friedman away from the U.S. Not that I would wish Friedman on Canada, though if the CCA were living up to its 3B reputation, it might.

Also, engaging in gratuitous cobaggerylessness are over 500 residents of Sderot. I haven’t figured out how to blame the CCA for this yet, though I suppose I could blame AIPAC for not having convinced as many actual Israelis as they have U.S. congresscritters that there is something wrong with saying sensible things about peace.

3Bulls! LLC is aware of all internet traditions

This is not a filler post.

This is a post to address certain minor issues which have been clawing for the attention of the Ombudsmoose for various periods of time. Kindly bear with us, as there is important news below.

Today, we address nefarious outside influences, since there is nothing to complain about here. If there is, you should know the drill by now (or, preemptively, at least a bit).

We begin, in true half-assed fashion, with the important news that trolls on certain other fine blogs are aware of all internet traditions.

This may be the first instance of a troll doing something useful in the history of the ol’ tubes, and we applaud the success of their continued mocking. The estimable John Cole has much, much more on this meta-meme.

Second, Pinko Punko notes the suspicious silence of the Canadian Curling Association on the Strange Mystery of the Severed Feet in the Water. He writes:

could the ombuds address the Canadia Severed Foot issue, and not to belittle this macabre situation, but has the CCA commented? It is irresponsible not to speculate. If we were CNN we would pronounce our conventional wisdom as fact.

Sadly, the facts of the matter are that six [EDIT: the sixth was a hoax] severed shoe-clad feet (five right, one left) have washed ashore in various parts areas of the Lower Mainland. Their origin has yet to be confirmed, but marine accidents have been suggested as a possible culprit.

Also, there is at least one woman’s foot which has been found in this fashion, putting at least one particular theory to rest.

The CCA has declined to launch an internal investigation. Speculation, as always, is heartily encouraged. Grippers or sliders? Only time will tell.

M. Night Shyamalan, remarkably, has yet to purchase the movie rights.

More importantly, we should like to remind the Editor that “Canadia” is a purely imaginary place, inhabited by poutine-eating bilingual chain-smoking ice fishermen who uptalk a lot. No such area exists in the Great White North. We suspect PP has been using Conservapedia as a reference. Or possibly Bob and Doug McKenzie.

HOWEVER, because you have all been so good as to read this far, we have received persimmon to declare a new contest!!!!1!1!!! In the spirit of redundancy, the contest is to determine the best idea for a contest. Ideas for contests, methods, and prizes may be entered below, with the winner getting… a chance to enter the contest along with everyone else.

Out of respect for our imminently pupating colleagues, this contest will run until the end of the month, at which point a vote will be held in the traditional fashion. Which is to say: the most complex variation of the democratic process we can determine. Consider it practice for the upcoming election.

Don’t say we never do anything for you, dear readers, but if you find that this is indeed the case, complaints may be submitted to the usual address.

OK, I Dug Up Another Three Bulls! Mixtape Disstape Track


I will post it here as an update, but first I want you guys to vote on several things:

Shall I annotate it, or would you like to try to figure out the allusions and post them in comments, or will you even listen to it at all?

I need to gauge the extent of ass required for the post and the expected ass extent of commenting you plan to extend or expend. Please do not consider the categories of this post to have any meaning.


Here it is, Chock Full O’ Nuts, ItEat. MP3 for those on RSS is right here:

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Press play on the little play icon. I think Kathleen will at least laugh.

It’s about a year and a half old lyrics wise, but it paints a poignant picture of certain someones.

You can link allusions in the comments, if they are even decipherable.