Archive for the 'Canadiana' Category

Friday poop shoot

So this is what poop shoot has come down to for me, as of Dec. 29, 2011.  Our little guy is doing nicely and the transition to parenthood has been everything it was advertised and much much more.  Does this mean that 3Bulls! is one step closer to becoming one of those blogs™?  It remains to be seen, but it certainly is starting to smell that way a little.

 

Enough of these content laden posts

Canoodle can keep Guy Laliberté. We will keep Calder, Beavis laugh and all.

Madames, Monsieurs, diver et divers Ombudpantisserie, et ceux qui ne sont pas errer mort la terre mangeant des cerveauxxxxxxxxx (également connu Zombi) voilà

The best video link that you will never click through. *sigh*

OMBUDSMAN HERITAGE WEEK

The Central Ombudsman’s Board of Accession (COBA) is pleased to acknowledge the sense of anticipation you had for this week, which we know you have had marked in your calendars for months: Ombudsman Heritage Week (OHW).  During Ombudsman Heritage Week, we celebrate the vital role that the ombudsman’s profession has played in the shaping of civilization from ancient times to modern.

For our first celebratory act, we visit the place where the ombudsman’s craft truly came of age: Canada.  This great nation’s fine institutions have held a historically celebrated role for the craft of ombudsmanry.  It was at this time that COBA, in coordination with Canada’s ruling Canadian Curling Assocation, decided to introduce this previously secretive profession to a grateful public via the new medium of television. From that limited summary of this decades-past program:

Ombudsman invited viewers to inform the show of run-ins with institutions and with government and corporate bureaucracy. A staff researchers investigated legitimate complaints of personal injustice and attempted to settle matters. Succeeding seasons attempted to expand the breadth of the show’s concerns, and to deal with Canadians’ search for justice in a comprehensive way. In particular, regular programs concerned issues of government accessibility and secrecy.

(NB: There are some major inaccuracies in this description.  First of all, under benevolent CCA guidance, there were never any run-ins with institutions and government.  No complaints were found legitimate—COBA activities during this time ensured that it were so.  Canadians do not and have never had to search for justice—justice is implicit in the presence of møøse.)

Eventually, this television program wound down because COBA-awareness had pervaded Canadian society, making it redundant.  As millions of Canadians chose to adopt the ombudsman’s creed, the whole nation became a sea of virtuous neutrality and impartiality, most well-known in Canada commitment to multiculturalism and peacekeeping.  Truly, between COBA and its Canadian partner the CCA, the ombudsman’s heritage is well preserved.

TOMORROW: The ombudsmen of the insect world.

Obviously the CCA is not doing its job

As is well known, at least on this website, the job of the Canadian Curling Association is cobaggery, or more specifically, attempting to raise the level of cobaggery in Canadadia to the point where that country will be associated in people’s minds with cobaggery. At the moment, they appear to be failing miserably, as Canadadians (at least female Jewish Canadadians) appear to be engaging in flagrant acts of noncobaggery, uncobaggery, and possibly even anticobaggery. (The protesters were arrested by da Mounties and then released.)

Meanwhile, here, south of the border, where moose fear to tread due to the possibility of having to deal with the health “care” “system”, we have, um, Thomas Friedman. It seems necessary to blame the CCA for this, too. If they had it together and were really getting their cobag on up in Canadaland, they might even be able to attract one T. Friedman away from the U.S. Not that I would wish Friedman on Canada, though if the CCA were living up to its 3B reputation, it might.

Also, engaging in gratuitous cobaggerylessness are over 500 residents of Sderot. I haven’t figured out how to blame the CCA for this yet, though I suppose I could blame AIPAC for not having convinced as many actual Israelis as they have U.S. congresscritters that there is something wrong with saying sensible things about peace.

3Bulls! LLC is aware of all internet traditions

This is not a filler post.

This is a post to address certain minor issues which have been clawing for the attention of the Ombudsmoose for various periods of time. Kindly bear with us, as there is important news below.

Today, we address nefarious outside influences, since there is nothing to complain about here. If there is, you should know the drill by now (or, preemptively, at least a bit).

We begin, in true half-assed fashion, with the important news that trolls on certain other fine blogs are aware of all internet traditions.

This may be the first instance of a troll doing something useful in the history of the ol’ tubes, and we applaud the success of their continued mocking. The estimable John Cole has much, much more on this meta-meme.

Second, Pinko Punko notes the suspicious silence of the Canadian Curling Association on the Strange Mystery of the Severed Feet in the Water. He writes:

could the ombuds address the Canadia Severed Foot issue, and not to belittle this macabre situation, but has the CCA commented? It is irresponsible not to speculate. If we were CNN we would pronounce our conventional wisdom as fact.

Sadly, the facts of the matter are that six [EDIT: the sixth was a hoax] severed shoe-clad feet (five right, one left) have washed ashore in various parts areas of the Lower Mainland. Their origin has yet to be confirmed, but marine accidents have been suggested as a possible culprit.

Also, there is at least one woman’s foot which has been found in this fashion, putting at least one particular theory to rest.

The CCA has declined to launch an internal investigation. Speculation, as always, is heartily encouraged. Grippers or sliders? Only time will tell.

M. Night Shyamalan, remarkably, has yet to purchase the movie rights.

More importantly, we should like to remind the Editor that “Canadia” is a purely imaginary place, inhabited by poutine-eating bilingual chain-smoking ice fishermen who uptalk a lot. No such area exists in the Great White North. We suspect PP has been using Conservapedia as a reference. Or possibly Bob and Doug McKenzie.

HOWEVER, because you have all been so good as to read this far, we have received persimmon to declare a new contest!!!!1!1!!! In the spirit of redundancy, the contest is to determine the best idea for a contest. Ideas for contests, methods, and prizes may be entered below, with the winner getting… a chance to enter the contest along with everyone else.

Out of respect for our imminently pupating colleagues, this contest will run until the end of the month, at which point a vote will be held in the traditional fashion. Which is to say: the most complex variation of the democratic process we can determine. Consider it practice for the upcoming election.

Don’t say we never do anything for you, dear readers, but if you find that this is indeed the case, complaints may be submitted to the usual address.

North of the Border

My suggestion is to count the number of double-takes you do while reading this. Admittedly, if you are unfamiliar with John Ralston Saul, it may cut the number down a bit.

On the other hand, you want to be familiar with John Ralston Saul. Don’t deny it — I will not be responsible for what Jonathan Schwarz does to you.

Hey kids! It’s Møøse Safety Day!

[In honor of Møøse Safety Day, we bring you this excerpt from Ralph the Wonder Llama’s Xtreme Møøse Codex Vol. XII — Safety and Venereal Issues.]

How to determine if a møøse is in the house:

Use a bite stick. Wave your bite stick about in a nonchalant manner. If there is a møøse in the house, and it is a biter, you will feel your arm dislocate when the møøse chomps the bite stick.

If there is a møøse in your house which is not a biter, it will probably introduce itself. When this happens, it is polite to serve tea.

How to defend your house against møøse:

Continue reading ‘Hey kids! It’s Møøse Safety Day!’

Innovations in moose curling

moose-sign.png

By double secret courier, I have received from Mendacious D news of the most recent innovation in the great Canadadian sport of moose curling: Moose Anger Management.

Attentive Three Bulls! readers may recall that concerns were raised in a previous thread about the possible trauma visited upon moose by cavalier moose curling and the subsequent hoof prints visited upon innocent curling fans by traumatised moose.

Now, you can be reassured that the full force of Canadadian ingenuity is being applied to this problem.

I am sure that self-awareness and deep breathing exercises are far better than hockey puck size valium for maintaining moose at an appropriate level of calm for proper curling. It may even help in convincing them not to destroy the ice surface by piddling on it.

Some may say that mangled fans are an important part of the tradition of moose curling, but I suspect that such people are just shills for the CCA.

What is this blog aboot?

[Note: This likely brief but possibly informative guide to Three Bulls! is presented to you translated into Canadadian! We do this to show our openness to ideas like socialised moose curling, and to show the extreme latitude of the Three Bulls! mission — which is much greater than, say, 29.451°N.

The latitude at Three Bulls! is so extreme that we originally intended to translate this guide into walrus. However, our tireless Quality Control division has informed us that, diverse as our audience is, it does not actually include any walrus, and that such a translation would thus be a betrayal of our guiding principle of always striving to increase the degree of comprehensibility we provide to our readers. We would, also, like to take this opportunity to announce that we are accepting applications for the position of Walrus Outreach Coordinator.]

A Three Bulls! commenter, simultaneously intrepid and straining to keep his eyes open, recently asked what Three Bulls! was aboot. He has been reading this blog for, oh, blog-eons at least, so we are a little confused as to why he would ask aboot this.

First, we thought we would provide some examples of things Three Bulls! is not aboot:

Continue reading ‘What is this blog aboot?’

Kiwiana!

Stickin' Out!
Like F. M. Althouse at a MENSA convention.
Lamb and Mint Chippies
DISGUSTING!
Hunga Cruncha
Delicious but ridiculous! (THERE WOULD BE A PAGE BREAK HERE Continue reading ‘Kiwiana!’