Archive for the 'Flights of Fancy' Category

A mind is a terrible lizard

I recently came across the following sentence:

I, for example, cannot imagine how the giant sauropods mated, except through the use of telekinesis.

I have two modest proposals for a solution to this conundrum.

1) Face-to-face

Find a lake with a depth equal to a little under twice the height of a sauropod torso. (If you can’t find such a lake, get a sauropod to dig you one. Tell the sauropod it gets to mate when it’s finished.) Put a sauropod in the lake. Tell it to roll over. Don’t take no, or, more to the point, blank incomprehension, for an answer. Note that the long neck conveniently allows the sauropod to keep its head out of the water while lying on its back. Put a second sauropod, of the opposite sex, in the lake. Presuming a reasonable amount of buoyancy on the part of sauropods, it should now be possible to fire up “Swan Lake” and have them dock together.

2) Oral sex

A male sauropod could perform oral sex on itself then on a female, or, conversely, a female could attend to a male first and then herself. While this explanation, like the previous one, would show selection pressure for long necks, it’s less clear there would be all that much selection pressure for gender discrimination, and sauropods may have gone around having oral sex pretty much at random. Cue outrage about how Darwinists want to teach your kids about gay dinosaurs.

*

The source of the quote is the 1987 novel Daughter of the Bear King by Eleanor Arnason, which features an appendix providing an evolutionary explanation for why dinosaurs were magical. The novel is one of the odder SF/fantasy hybrids I’ve come across, and so far I can’t really convince myself that it works, though it is interesting. However, Arnason would go on to write A Woman of the Iron People and Ring of Swords, two of the best anthropological sf novels around.

Chuckleberry Finn

Or Sharkleberry Chuck?

Always has the best Celeb Dream Cameos.

Spam as Ploverian Cancer

I think diacritics are the new get around the content filters. AGGRESSIVE!!!

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Battle Rap Demo Test

Just checking. This appeared to leak last week to a secret server. It is just a mixtape demo. Thanks to producer Mendacious D for copping beats, fish for some couplets, and Capt. Trollypants for getting Matt Y guesting on the track. We didn’t even get to haircuts. Check the beat while my DJ revolves it, chumpwagons!

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Lyrics below the fold, but I think you should suffer through the scorched earth devastation.

Continue reading ‘Battle Rap Demo Test’

Our New Faith

Geenie C. had an awesome dream. Allow me to paraphrase from her hazy memory, although I believe his fishness will enjoy to the tutmost.

She was at the gym and was about to start a step class or similar and instead of starting the class, the instructors rolled out this display- it sounded like it was like the easel with the large pad of paper a la Win, Lose, or Draw (“Hi Bert, I’m a midwestern zombie who eats brains and loves to play Win, Lose or Draw!” We have dated ourselves here and cast aspersions). Or it might have been a white board or chalk board on wheels. Either way, the instructors said they had something to share with the class and that sharing was a new religion and when they said this they revealed the name of the religion, and I poops you not, the name of the religion was “ScienceTragédie” or something like that- GC said it was all one word and there was an accent somewhere. Anyhow, the details were sketchy but GC pretty much bounced out of there because she was thinking “Wha?” In the next seen GC is looking our our bedroom window with the Goob, and it appears that there is a couple, perhaps mother and daughter in our yard. They happen to be picking all of the flowers in our yard (the beflowered state of the yard is a major clue that reality is being warped). GC goes outside to ask the people to stop picking all of our flowers and they proceed to start in on their religion, ScienceTragédie, a la JW door-to-door style. Then I think she woke up.

I urge our non-me reader to help 3B fill in the blanks about this important new faith by working out in comments exactly how ScienceTragédie could work.

CONTE……………………st

What, did you think I would type content? I didn’t want to BLOW your MINDS.

One of our entries into the header contest.

950 x 200 pixels

You know you want to.

TIP OF THE CAPPER to ZRM, who efforted at >0.5 assyunits.

The Level of No Time I Don’t Have is Minimal

Does this mean I have a lot of free time?

Here’s a time waster that is zero-assed. I think I was waiting to talk about this with UC but forgot, be we missed an entire round of puns relating to Modern Family. Previously they had done gay icon pets, which we of course killed. Later in the year they did holiday theme parties:

“Studio Fifty Fourth of July BBQ”
“Seder Day Night Fever”
“Oscar Wilde and Crazy Brunch”

And we didn’t even get going with those. And I couldn’t even think of anything besides Spanksgiving!

I suck.

Anyhow:

WHA?

Nah, makes no sense!

Yggie Stump Goob with Sophistry

ORBS!

ORBS

O R B S

May Your Enemies Receive a Chewy Chocolate Assortment Heavy on the Nutpunch Clusters

For the rest of us, every one:

Secular Jesus Kung-fu on your tree-people shenanigans, and easy on the egg nog, saucies.

Love from our family to yours.

New Markets

This could be the Crystal Pepsi of Battle Rap, trying to break into the cricket market:

You bring the bat to me
you lose your openers before tea

My leg break have you in mysterious jinx
You be in serious sh*t by drinks

You can’t handle my fight
You be begging for bad light

You think you have a total to build upon?
Before you know I be enforcing the follow on

Before you can tell me to stick it
You’ll be stuck leg before wicket

JIMJAM

In our last column, ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© and Gregor both ask where everyone has gone.

As usual, we have no useful answers to this, so instead we turn to the Oracle itself, Jim Thome’s (possibly fake) Twitter account:

DO YOU GUYS WANT TO KNOW THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THE INTERWEBS OR DO YOU WANT TO SEE JIM JAM HIT SOME DINGERS?

I believe the answer is clear. Let us further explore this wisdom. On Salinger:

I NEVER DID UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD PLACE YOUR CATCHER ON SOME BREAD

A no-trade clause, perhaps?

On Fake Ozzie Guillen:

I HOPE YOU AREN’T SERIOUS ABOUT WANTED FISTED CUFFS, @FAKEOZZIE. JIMMERS IS A LOVER NOT A FIG

Fisted Cuffs. We sense an impending fashion trend. And figs

And, a further sign that the Pork Snorkel is slowly seeping into the sports culture:

I WOULD LIKE TO ADMIT TO THE USAGE OF HAM TO HELP ME HIT LOTS OF DINGERS

And immediately following:

YOUR SUPPORT MAKES JIMMERS FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIS USAGE OF CURED MEATS TO GAIN A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE

While we do not normally condone posting in all caps, but we feel it is justified in this case. Commenters take note: this is only acceptable in cases of poking fun at sports fans. Example.

If you have any questions, I am certain Mr. Thome will be happy to answer them. DINGERS.