Archive for the 'Games People Play' Category

For Thunder

I love real time events and Wikipedia. For example, Bubba Watson’s (golfer) page:

Time to invest in ponies… ponies with nasty big pointy teeth

What an eccentric performance… (note: not safe for sanity).

And now for something that is actually not at all different but is, in fact, part two.

Five is not right out, as apparently there are going to be a total of six of these.

Libertarianism can be a lot like the divine right of kings — simple elitism dressed up in some of the moral language of the day. At least this lot admits they’re anti-democratic. Also: watch for the bit where the guy basically implies that assassinating the president would facilitate libertarian city-states seceding from the US, which somehow derives from a libertarian city-state which is effectively at war with the US being a good investment. This idea may disprove string theory as I think there are more curled up dimensions of delusion in it than can be accounted for by any physical theory proposed to date.

Success at FAIL

We love dilettante, our fave K.

11:17 PM (2 hours ago)
dilettante: I cannot believe it.

11:17 PM (2 hours ago)
dilettante: Our DVR stopped recording after 5 minutes of overtime. How did we ever come back and win? oh my god. #USWNT

11:17 PM (2 hours ago)
dilettante: I revise that last tweet. apparently we somehow won that game. #USWNT

11:17 PM (2 hours ago)
dilettante: such an unjust loss for the USWNT

The Level of No Time I Don’t Have is Minimal

Does this mean I have a lot of free time?

Here’s a time waster that is zero-assed. I think I was waiting to talk about this with UC but forgot, be we missed an entire round of puns relating to Modern Family. Previously they had done gay icon pets, which we of course killed. Later in the year they did holiday theme parties:

“Studio Fifty Fourth of July BBQ”
“Seder Day Night Fever”
“Oscar Wilde and Crazy Brunch”

And we didn’t even get going with those. And I couldn’t even think of anything besides Spanksgiving!

I suck.

Anyhow:

WHA?

Nah, makes no sense!

Yggie Stump Goob with Sophistry

ORBS!

ORBS

O R B S

Ernie Harwell

A broadcasting giant, and a phenomenal voice, and everything else. Rest in Peace.

Perhaps this is too romantic of a view, as these things always are. But this speech will make you cry because you want so badly for it to be true.

JIMJAM

In our last column, ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© and Gregor both ask where everyone has gone.

As usual, we have no useful answers to this, so instead we turn to the Oracle itself, Jim Thome’s (possibly fake) Twitter account:

DO YOU GUYS WANT TO KNOW THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THE INTERWEBS OR DO YOU WANT TO SEE JIM JAM HIT SOME DINGERS?

I believe the answer is clear. Let us further explore this wisdom. On Salinger:

I NEVER DID UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD PLACE YOUR CATCHER ON SOME BREAD

A no-trade clause, perhaps?

On Fake Ozzie Guillen:

I HOPE YOU AREN’T SERIOUS ABOUT WANTED FISTED CUFFS, @FAKEOZZIE. JIMMERS IS A LOVER NOT A FIG

Fisted Cuffs. We sense an impending fashion trend. And figs

And, a further sign that the Pork Snorkel is slowly seeping into the sports culture:

I WOULD LIKE TO ADMIT TO THE USAGE OF HAM TO HELP ME HIT LOTS OF DINGERS

And immediately following:

YOUR SUPPORT MAKES JIMMERS FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIS USAGE OF CURED MEATS TO GAIN A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE

While we do not normally condone posting in all caps, but we feel it is justified in this case. Commenters take note: this is only acceptable in cases of poking fun at sports fans. Example.

If you have any questions, I am certain Mr. Thome will be happy to answer them. DINGERS.

Where is Punxsutawney Phil?

I presume he would do an equally good bad random arbitrary job. Yet this is a billion dollar industry.

Soccer Live Text is Awesome

From ESPN’s Gamecast of Brazil-South Africa, likely not by an American.

Exhibit A:

And another thing I’ve just noticed. The very front of Dunga’s hair hides the baldness that lies behind it. Good effort, but not good enough.

Exhibit B:

Alves, who had been eyeing the situation up as though he wanted to start a fight with it, bends a brilliant free kick around the edge of a wall that was perhaps a man short, clips the right hand post half way up, and goes in. He pulls up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of his name and is booked, hopefully for the poorness of his taste.

Exhibit C:

I know I’ve slated him tonight, but I do like Dunga’s velvet jacket, although I wouldn’t wear it.

The Undeniable and Irresistable Interplay of Jinx and Anti-jinx

For jinx/anti-jinx, read forward/backward. For anti-jinx/jinx read backward/forward.

Pinko Punko wrote:

You were saving that.

Ear Rocks. Or Tawny Kitaen.

Uncanny Canadian wrote:

naegleria fowleri

Pinko Punko wrote:

Ringworm

Uncanny Canadian wrote:

Spider incident

Pinko Punko wrote:

no, the classic baseball accident that is some falling down drunk or horsing around accident that is explained as “falling out of bed” or “slipping on ice”

Uncanny Canadian wrote:

Also, appendicitis.

Pinko Punko wrote:

And throws to the wrong base on a play where it is unclear where to get the out- and other box score unknowns.

Uncanny Canadian wrote:

Picked off twice, and leaves 3rd base too early tagging-up on crucial game-tying run.

Pinko Punko wrote:

3 failures to convert DP in the field

Uncanny Canadian wrote:

8 whiffs, 10 GIDP, 6 popups. What have we done????

Pinko Punko wrote:

With a 38 LOB

Uncanny Canadian wrote:

I see a 2-24 in his near future, yes.

Pinko Punko wrote:

we just jinxed him, didn’t we

Uncanny Canadian wrote:

No, we haven’t had that discussion, and that is my bad. Lowrie is awesome. I think he is very much in the Pedroia kind of mold – doesn’t strike out much, has some patience, and can scatter hits around. He is putting up super solid numbers right now. Very impressive to me is the 31 RBIs for 44 hits. He’s come through big. I also like the 0.377 OBP.

Pinko Punko wrote:

Have we discussed how Lowrie is an awesome contributor?


Al Trautiwig is a CObag

guess what chunderface, if Alicia Sacramone had scored TWO MORE POINTS America’s gymnasts would still have taken silver. we shall commence bombing al trautwig in 5 minutes

SUCK IT#*R)T@Gbt8

real americans love AS. just shut yer cobholes