Archive for the 'Golden Onion Wiener' Category

Junk food

There has been a recent plea shouted into the dark vacuum of the internet:

Also, what can the ombudscommittee do about this travesty appearing in my inbox

Junk Foods That Could Save Your Life
August 7, 2009

From Cheez Whiz to blue M&M’s, here are five dietary don’ts with surprising health virtues. More…

Fortunately for Kathleen, wagons of ombud (this is not what the MoH thinks it is) can hear just fine in a vacuum.

Kathleen is correct, immediate action is needed. I, Ombudwagon, will take this important responsibility onto myself. Much like the several months I spent deeply researching issues regarding esoteric pornography other stuff, I will now throw myself into dealing with the travesty that has assaulted Kathleen from this e-missive. I believe the action items for dealing with the aforementioned problem are:

1) Transfer the entire abomination to one Pinko Punko using a preferred method of e-transfer.

2) Someone temporarily un-fire one Pinko Punko until such time as he can post the e-transferred e-missive in its e-ntirety into Delish or Disgust. Re-termination (or even re-animation if the timing is good) can be immediately enacted upon completion of his duties.

3) Tapping into the power of the internets, we can then  “crowdsource” the validity of the purported health claims for the various “junk foods.” Volunteers will extreme test each foodstuff for its potential health benefits and report back results to the central junk food bureau of standards and measures.

N.B.  Experimentation is encouraged in maximizing potential benefits through food synergies. E.g. Would Cheez Whiz Blue M&M pie confer additive or synergistic benefits to the eater?

4) Once the data has been carefully vetted and all important conclusions have been made, we will then proceed to ignore the report because who actually reads D or D anyway? Well at least it isn’t Celebrity Dream Cameo…

Mish mash fish fash

Dialectical antitheses of the Computer Age:

fish:Tim Sandefur (Cf.)



Please leave alternate/additional selections in comments.

I’d like to take a moment to toast fish. No, not with bread crumbs. Certainly I feel that his contributions to the polite discourse are underrepresented in our Words of Wisdom to the right at the toppish of your screen. His known contributions are below, but I think if you have noted some extra fishwagon around the internet, to submit such in comments and we shall ensconce it like a time capsule from a magical time.

>How about an Emuticon to brighten your day?


>It is also nearly impossible to play Clue in black and white.

>One has to wonder what powerful evolutionary forces were at work that would make beige carpet camo so beneficial. Is it the ability to hide from the most horrible of dog predators, the vacuum? Is it to save him from the dangers of bath time? Perhaps it allows him to lay in wait for the mail carrier unseen by his nemesis, ready to pounce.

>I think you mispelled Joemuntum.

>I think a group spanking is in order. No safe words.

>Pretty much looks like they set fire to a pile of Ken dolls then stuck their faces in it. I will never bow to ground horn-bill, I cast my lot with the Blue Footed Boobies.

>Thank you for your submission to the Journal of LOL cat Poetry We regret to inform you that we will have decided not to accept your poem. Please realize that this in no way reflects upon the quality of the submission, but merely reflects the reality of the large number of submissions and our inability to accomodate all the individuals who aspire to publish in JOLOLCP. We hope this does not discourage you from submitting another poem for a future issue of the journal.

>Liberal Facism will never be written:
From Kant to won’t.

>There was a dad who had a kid on the same baseball team as mine that wore his CFG t-shirt to the practices most weeks. He spent the whole practice haranguing his son about not running fast enough, trying hard enough, concentrating enough. Did I mention the boy was 6 years old? The kid at one point mentioned how his arm hurt and his father went into a lecture about how great athletes are the ones who push through the pain to excel. I wanted to throw up in his hat.

>Like the hammer of Thor!

Lights out!!

Aravosis signing off:


>I would have never expected Brando’s sarcastometer to break at a critical moment.

Do you suppose he’s trying

to make Fred Phelps look sane?

The Case Against Steely Dan for Being Secretly Awesome, or at Least ‘baggers.

Exhibit A:

Pinko Punko said,

July 1, 2005 at 10:03

I think you might appreciate this Steely Dan conversation that came up the other day with my friend.

Pinko Punko said:

Clearly the most elitist liberal band in the whole universe is Steely Dan. They are so elite even their session players don’t get it. Some people have an aversion to them like fingernails on a blackboard, and that is just family. Yet even Tony Soprano sings along to “Dirty Work.” “I’m a fool to do your dirty work, oh yeah”. Even The Random Randroid likes that song. In fact he’s pissed because now he can’t get that *ucker out of his head.

The Uncanny Canadian said…
I don’t want non-elitists to understand Steely Dan. It would suggest some breakdown in the educational system that they would get how awesome Steely Dan is. And f*ck, do you think Donald Fagen gives a rat’s ass whether his whored-out session player knows why he’s playing an acid jazz rhumba?

Gavin M. said,

July 1, 2005 at 10:13

But what’s so hard to understand about Steely Dan? Upper-middle-class New York Jews with a blues fetish and a Brill Building background graduate from Vassar and move to LA, hiring ace studio whizzes against a background of giant doobies and cocaine.

Like, what else would result?

Exhibit B: Steely Dan offers unsolicited advice on hotel stationery to Luke Wilson.

Actor Owen “Butterscotch Stallion” is deposed:

In a statement released by his spokeswoman, Ina Treciokas, Wilson said: “I have never heard the song ‘Cousin Dupree’ and I don’t even know who this gentleman, Mr. Steely Dan, is. I hope this helps to clear things up and I can get back to concentrating on my new movie, ‘HEY 19.’ “

Exhibit C, the awesomest exhibit, Messrs. Becker and Fagen go to the well, also on hotel stationery, address Wes Anderson’s directorial career.

The prosecution rests.

I’m confident that Steely Dan will be declared Ministers of Cobaggery. They deserve a Golden Onion Wiener.

OK, Chupa Chups, Give Us the Best You Got

We’re not trolling. We’re being activists. Think Ford Motor Co. likes it when they get John A. up in their grill? He doesn’t let up until he gets satisfaction. We’re the same way. We learned it from watching you. When the big boys take a steaming poop-snake on the little guys and gals, and then start acting like you promised crazy a baby, it is gonna start some stuff.

1) Comments by myself were never offensive or insulting (here, here and below). The first one got deleted, when I was on point of course. It is always rude to call someone a supermassive slowly orbiting gas-giant of a hypocrite, and I only implied it. That is just trude (true+rude). Then it becomes a game. You delete stuff and pretend it never happened? That is loco. Then you call everyone freaks. Shakespeare’s Sister, are they freaks? Pam’s House Blend? Republic of Dogs? Hundreds of commenters? Dozen(s) of blogs?
2) If someone can’t laugh at Jamie Bamber withdrawing the support of his awesome guns from Americablog, they got probs. If someone can’t laugh at being calling a hairy emu, they got probs.


When Jamie Bamber holds all the cards, emus get tossed out the airlock- INTO OUTER SPACE!! BWAHAHAHAHAH!

Continue reading ‘OK, Chupa Chups, Give Us the Best You Got’

Cobagitation at its FINEST

shingles, our loyal but wayward bulwark of musical knowledge has uncovered some shenanigans, possibly an emu plot, but nonetheless super awesome.


and for that we simply must award him a ‘Baggie AND a Golden Onion Wiener. May the what-have-yous seductive carrotine canine crack (yeah, I said it E. Mu!) fall from the sky in celebration!! We bow before you sir and would second you in matters of honor. Several cheers for shingles! I think Gregor will have to top this from Paris.

Lunchtime Poll and CONTEST!

Since none of you bizzie lizzies really nominated anyone for a Golden Onion Wiener award, let’s try a different tack. I want to see examples of the absolutely worst comments you can possibly find. We need some ground rules and a contest. The finder of the most inane comment will receive a decent sized pile of Take 5 bars and the finder of the most illogical (EDIT two kinds of inane are just too similar) comment will receive a Three Bulls! tee, including a shot at a possible special edition! For the ground rules, we basically need to decide whether we’re going to allow the eazy cheezie low hanging fruit to be plucked (i.e. Free Republic or LGF)? Up to you loafwads. I am your humble servant.

OK, Toolbars and Assorted Puddle Jumpers

We are taking nominations for the WEBLOG AWARDS. These will be voted upon by our select committee. The categories are secret, and the contest designed to recognize excellence* in certain aspects of bloggery and cobloggery. These awards are not run by chumpwagons where the voting will solely be determined by a site’s traffic, nor by whether the douchey blog is listed at some cobwad dunderclumps “What Does a Bear Do in The Woods” blog blog. Nominations can be sent to 3bulls at gmail dot com. You are allowed to vote for commenters at large blogs, i.e. Atlas Shrugs at LGF but NOT Atlas Shrugs at Atlas Shrugs (too much traffic).

We will also be examining nominees for Best Humorous Blog in from the other Weblog Awards, wherein Three Bulls! got shafted.

Winners will receive:

Remember, nominations at 3bulls at gmail dot com and remember to include a category.