Archive for the 'GRAPEFRUIT CHUPACABRA!!!!!!' Category

An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!

ombuddy seal of approval

Introducing the Ombud… Seal of Approval (OSA)!

Do you, gentle and not so gentle readers, often find yourself approaching new Three Bulls! posts with trepidation verging on fear?

Do you find yourself wondering:

Will there be an Ombud… available if I have any questions, concerns or complaints about this post?

Have the photographs in this post been analyzed by trained professionals for hidden meanings, nuance and most importantly matters related to the state of the union?

Will anything be harmed in anyway by the content of or omissions from this post?

Are the authors of this post sufficiently non partisan?

Does this post contain verified facts and/or science related to politics, life or other contentious issues without presenting the reader with opposing wackadoodle beliefs for balance?

Can the terms “teabag” and “teabagging,” as used in this post, be interpreted in an inappropriate manner?

Does this post contain opinion?

Have the authors considered every side of every coin?

Is this post civil or will it lead to incivility?

Will this post hurt my feelings or the feelings of others?

What’s the number of the complaint line and what happens if it is busy?

Were John McCain and Joe Lieberman briefed on the content of this post?

Will I get hungry part way through this post?

Will I get it?

Continue reading ‘An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!’

Doctor’s Orders




Like so.

I fear Adam Nagourney might write it up like so:

Some have said that grapefruit-related headgear is just a fanciful way to communicate displeasure with a public figure on the internet, while others claim it is a coded death threat or “dog whistle.” The text of the bill currently wending its way through legislative sausage making does not contain language pertaining to the above sentence.

Mystery Art Bage Threefer

Two woodcuts from the now defunct STOT21stCPlanB who are currently participating in the art resistance movement as Harry Adams. What can I say? I dig wood cuts. I dig alcohol. And I am fascinated by drowned stickmen.

Drank (too much)

drank (too little)

An image likely to cause controversy – “Girls peeling oranges” by Billy “don’t call me a Stuckist” Hamper (Childish). It seems unfair that one man should have so much art coursing through his veins and a booshy mooshtache to boot. Pound for pound one of the greatest contemporary artists. Or have I bought into the hype? UPDATE: This wood block was originally cut in the 80s by Mr. Childish and Tracey Emin (my copy is a 2008 print). I’m agnostic on Ms. Emin’s art but do give her credit for being a survivor in the burnout art world.

Continue reading ‘Mystery Art Bage Threefer’

Re-Rebuttal Butt Butte (half)

Based on recent events, I believe a formal response would be salutary.  Helpful, even.

After the recent kerfuffle over an introductory Ombudsglooob post that was deemed non-ombudshelpfullike, the OARB came down on me like a ton of soggy chicken feathers.  Also, the CCA sent several large stones hurtling through my front door.  I believe I even pissed off the AFL-CIO and NAMBLA.

Item the First: I have discovered that I was in grievous error in describing Certain Various Citrus Monsters as Imaginary.  Indeed, I was visited not only by the Grapefruit Chupacabra three nights ago, but the following night by Tucker the Orange and last night tag teamed by a Frankenlemon and what can only be described as a Key Lime Zombie.  we had long discussions; while edifying, it must be said that Citrus Monsters are not sparkling conversationalists.

Seriously, it was like A Christmas Carol as written by Anita Bryant.  A Citrus Carol.  I fully expect to be visited tonight by an overgrown Mutant Kumquat to infect me with Citrus Canker, unless I bribe a street urchin to go buy me the biggest Pork Snorkel in the shop window.

So, in short, it must be conceded that Citrus Monsters do, in fact, exist, and are willing to disrupt your sleep patterns with long, Ben Stein like monologues if necessary.

Item the Second: The COBA has decried the lack of professionaism, helpfulness, and generally undignified state of 3Bulls.  Now, in my defense, I must state that my OmbudsContract did not include the words “Dignity”  “Professional”  or “Helpful”; indeed, it only contained one “whereas”  and three “ats”.  However, there was mention of “shenanigans”, “cobagitation”, “half-assedness” and several times, “Zardoz”.  Also, a whole section was entitled “When All Hell Breaks Loose”.  And even though I felt there was not enough mention of “Salary”, “Vacation”, “Cuba Libre Lunches” or “Legal Defence”, the agreement was generally satisfactory on both sides.

It must needs be pointed out, however, that failure of execution is not only part of the day to day operation of this dark-blue bloggo, but that it is in fact, a time honored Tradition.  I submit as evidence this Words of Wisdom, seen recently in the sidebar:


I maintain that as Ombudsglooob, I was merely conforming to the 3Bulls Mission Statement.

Item the Thrid:  In the spirit of Ombuddsing, a visitor plaintively asked “Where’s My Pudding?”.  The dessertly nature of this request makes our tempombudsheart fairly burst.  Following on a clue left in a subsequent comment, we discovered that fish’s pudding, was, in fact, taken by Blue Girl.  Furthermore, she ATE IT INCORRECTLY!!  This is, of course, the prerogative of a Cookie Queen, if no less heinous for that.  Without the support of my new Citrus Monster friends, though, I am not equipped to confront this person.  Fortunately she spends all her time these days on Facebook and honking at old people. Maybe the CCA can send a Sternly Worded Letter.  Maybe Minnesota Law Firm can send a Støørnly Worded Letter.   I am going to stay the hell out of it from now on.

Item the Fourth: Phil Collins may be a talented drummer, but he is no longer Cute.  Also, he has been married AS MANY TIMES AS NEWT GINGRICH!!  Something Coming In The Air Tonight, Indeed.  Think about it, won’t you?

Fear not, friendly 3Bulls visitor and/or Reader!  An epochal Ombudspost is in the works!  It will answer half your questions.  Or maybe None.  But full-assedness is RIGHT OUT!!

[EDIT]  I believe I am offended at the Ombudsnick I was assigned.  doesn’t matter which definition you go with.

Chupacabra revealed?

There was indeed a Mandos/plover summit yesterday. It went well, except that he kept glancing nervously at a satsuma perched watchfully on the counter.

Update: There’s now a transcript below the fold since since the voices are so hard to understand.

Continue reading ‘Chupacabra revealed?’

It is written, so it must be so

Sadly, I do not know which Chuck Todd Gawker seems to think they are faux contrarianly feasting on, but who am I to argue with the chumming of the water with NBC’s gummy bear. More serious is our respected colleague KWB forcefully making the case for Chaz being a funky bratwurst.

In what way can Mr. Chuck Todd’s reputation be salvaged? We suggest an honorary award.


Perhaps some astroturfing by one of his fan clubs could further burnish his rep.

No threat, this I promise you, a richly deserved reward

An impregnable melmet for a LouDobbs model A1. Does such an annointing flatter his robotish and gerbily carapace? I nominate him directly for the Citrus Fashion Association Year End. May their honors be bestowed in lingering fashion upon his tasterful and buttery flesh.


If I am asked to declare in words my esteem for such a wonderful human-hamster hybrid, I shall be without, due to an inrushing of blood and emotion to my constricting and pangy temples.

Dear Citrus Lover

I forgot to mention that we had a version of this for Thanksgiving. We enjoyed it under brightly lit and highly secure conditions. I’m so sorry you couldn’t join us. I promise to consult with my tailor RE: fashionable and “delicious” (is this what the kids say now?) citrulline pants and coats.


The Fan Has Been Shatted


Yikes! Oh noes! What…what…what could happen???

We just got our answer to what the trolls have been up to!!!!!!!
From:"James Inhofe"
Subject: RE:Your Proud and Amazing Service To Our Country
Attachment: imhofe.jpg

Dear Honorable Captain,

Thank you for your exceptional and special gift. I shall wear it with pride throughout my time in the Senate. It is probably difficult for you to understand the deep pain the former conservative majority feels to be trodden under the heels of such insufferable boobs. Our club of American grown supergeniuses, communicating by thought alone the most subtle and sophisticated of calculations, reading the very thought of God in the aetheric miasma. We are being tested like Garry Kasparov by Deep Blue. We will pass this test by taking a mental baseball bat to the "Deep Blue." Please find included a picture of myself with your lovely tribute. I like to wear it while mapping Lie group E8 248 dimensional symmetry and doing superstring Sudoku puzzles with only two starting numbers, i and pi.


James Inhofe,

Outside of Iamatotalchunderbag, OK




Breaking! MCTB!!!