Archive for the 'Hug Timer' Category


Here at the Central Ombudsman’s Board of Accession (COBA), we like to celebrate the achievements of our beloved ombudsmen the world over. So a hearty congratulations to Elisabeth Beikirch, the newly anointed “Ombudsfrau” of the German Underwear Ministry for Sneezes. We were present at the, ahem, later ceremony, ritual, and sacrifice, and we can report that the omens were appropriately neutral.

While at COBA, we normally refer to all our members and provisional members as Ombudsmen regardless of sex, the unique institution of the Ombudsfrau has special significance in German culture, in particular the production of the Ombudsbrau, the neutrality inducing drink used since ancient times in Teutonic cultures to ensure even-handedness in judgement.

So congratulations, Ms. Beikirch! May all your ministerial sneezes be unbiased.

Add New Post (insert title here) Happy Memorial Day, PEOPLE! (and pets)

Perhaps it is Iris?

Meow!  Would you like to pet me?

Please clean up after Pugsly and friends

In lieu of

a dark and depressing post about the bottom of the Cloverhill Big Texas political ad barrel, and the worst of the worst snotty, grabbing, selfish dog-insulting brat trick or treaters (GRANPA PANTS=ON), onto whom I will project the infective conservative hypocrisy of their unknown parents, I will give you the 10-minute Jack-O-Lantern:
Continue reading ‘In lieu of’


We have a situation that maybe we could have predicted but nevertheless seems somewhat novel when it actually happens, yet when it does, things seem strangely beyond our control or comprehension.

Goobie Shore

The Evil Rich, Let Us Eat Them

I don’t know why upper class entitled bullying is more abrasive than the run-of-the-mill kind. Perhaps it is the creatively baroque nature it always takes, especially from people that shouldn’t have a care in the world and are clearly doing it out of the pathological boredom that their lives of shallow (un)ease must certainly entail.

For example. Shorter previous:

This future turdblossom:


Apparent sociopathic goonwagon harasses teacher, fuels early adopter Facebook cobaggery/shitstorm wherein purposeless, aimless high school choads perform the digital version of the Exlax brownie for teacher, or more aptly, the acid tab in the morning coffee, for shits/giggles. Or not- distaff view from the supergenius Ross Douthat (come to your own conclusions, but comments are priceless).

Anyhow, since I am heading for permanent grampa pants, I have to say, I don’t approve of getting one’s kicks by doing anything to anyone’s food, nor do I approve of harassing the hell out of someone on the internet and being a total cobag.

That being said, Gawker has taken Coburger above and given him his own category. Inappropriately I feel a bit of joy about this. Similarly, when Wonkette goes after Late Nite Shots, sometimes I let myself down with tiny smiles, laced with a touch of “you ****ing pricks.”

So if Charles “Chazmo” Stam “The Staminator” wants to Google himself and therefore appear on our page, I invite him to use this public platform to defend his actions and advocate for his good-guy nature. We’ll then set the hug timer and invite the space unicorns into the hot tub. It’s a Columbia thing. I think AG would even pass on this Ivy, Jewish tater tot.

Upside Down You’re Turning Me

Three B! certified non-partisan Wedding Planning and Entertainment Services Inc. are now inc.

We shall be denounced in certain quarters as collaborating with the enemy to pitch planning this fabulosity, but we counter such criticisms with the simple fact that one cannot collaborate with non-partisanship. One merely is. It is the world that conspires against our non-alignment.

If I might dip a toe into a serious sock for one nanosecond, I understand that it seems ever so easy to view those others amongst us who we might render hypothetically flightless akin to reality show characters in a broadly drawn, psychedelically colored cartoon. When their every action conforms simultaneously to what they consider performance art and what we consider performance art in the opposite way it makes it so much harder to consider such a person to be real. However, we shall do so. We shall not mock budding and unlooked for love/plot twists. Seriously, we’re just going to plan a wedding. The wedding we plan is essentially any wedding we would plan. We’d plan this wedding for anyone. This is the 3B one size fits all (what can be more non-partisan than that) wedding plan.

What we shall do is bid our services for newly flowering non-partisan Wedding Plannery market.

I ask you: are you with me?

Just throwing out some ideas here:

For the reception we’ll need several passed appetizers. I was thinking of appetizers with an amusing bloggery theme- we might consider those on both sides of the aisle, assuming we all shall be invited electronically.

Cheeze and Crackers:
Glenn’s Going Galtines with Protein Whiz-dom?

Vegetarian Options:
Sadly, No Meat!

I was also thinking mini-bacon explosions, although I realized that that is not an entirely made up thing. Golden Onion Wieners, natch.

Ann’s blogroll here might be good for suggestions.

For table favors we could have not cobags (gross) but chobags. Little bags of chocolates with initials of the couple. In non-partisan colors like red and redder, for love.

I was also thinking of a giant ice sculpture of El Snacktator.

The bridal headpiece will be extravagantly breathtaking. The finest emu feathers fanned into a stunning showstopper, colored just so to set off the light complexion of the bride to be.

I figure the first dance will be an 18 minute long Freedom Rock jam.

How else can the unique 3B experience be brought to bear on infinite and unending happiness?

I will be so pissed if this is all just a practical joke because I am looking forward to the gun cake. We can upscale it by calling it 2nd Amendment Cake.

Dinner music will be by Libertarian Nanobot Orchestra, if we can get them. Sadly, many of the vendors we are likely to have contacted will have gone Galt, which increases out inability to maintain strict non-partisan non-affiliation.

We dedicate this to Double-A, because we went loop-de-loop when we heard the news. We’d even say we were “happy” although we will not delve into incriminating specifics of our closely guarded dark hearts.

We certainly hope that the after party doesn’t turn out like this.

Year in review

Dearest commenters, the time of year is upon us when we look back at the year that was, and what a year it’s been. As resident ombirdspersonmoose, I have requested and been granted authority to host our inaugural (and probably final) Commenter’s Year-end spectacular!

There will be prizes, maybe, so pay attention.
Continue reading ‘Year in review’

Ja Kogelo Wa!

In Kogelo, Kenya:

Shouts of ‘Ja Kogelo Wa!’ (Man from Kogelo) and ‘Obama Biro, yawne yoo’ (Obama is coming clear the way), rent the air. […] Mama Sarah said, “I could fall down with excitement at the airport when I will be invited to see him being sworn-in, this dream has come true.”

For those sick of all this celebrating, you can check out how this guy is feeling. Thinly veiled white supremacist? Or just someone who got the Fox News satellite implants? It’s probably worth noting that according to this exit poll, American whites elected McCain. (Way to go artificially-defined-group-of-people-who-have-the-same-skin-color-I-do!)

While my reasons will no doubt be different, it is probably inevitable that my own complaints about Obama will surface soon enough. For the moment though, jokers like that just give me more appreciation of kids like this:

“Now it’s happened, and maybe it can continue to happen”

Del & Phyllis 6-16-08

(CNN) They met in the early 1950s in Seattle, Washington, where they worked as editors of construction trade publications, before falling in love and buying a house together in San Francisco later that decade. In 1955, they founded the nation’s first lesbian organization, the Daughters of Bilitis. In the 1960s, they tried to get California lawmakers to introduce anti-discrimination bills and successfully persuaded some police officers to stop harassing gays and lesbians at bars, according to The Associated Press. “We didn’t give a damn about getting married. We just wanted to get a law that said you can’t fire us because we are gay,” Lyon told the AP. […]

Martin’s daughter, Kendra Mon, who was born 66 years ago as a result of Martin’s brief marriage to a man, told the Chronicle she will be at Monday’s ceremony. “It’s really a big deal for them and for me to have this happen at this point in their lives,” Mon told the Chronicle. “It’s like icing on the cake and a reminder of how far we’ve come.”

(title quote)