Archive for the 'Magic Donut' Category

You say you want a dumb question?

I had what, in the scheme of things, may be a pointless question (or perhaps one that’s already been done to death, and I just missed it): why are we “occupying” things?

I’m not asking what the point of the Occupy movement is, or why they’re using the tactics they are, but rather, why is it called “occupying” and is that a good idea? Isn’t the metaphorical point more to remove an occupation than to engage in one?

The original “Occupy Wall Street” actually makes sense: a parody of US foreign policy being visited upon on a tiny “foreign” nation whose inhabitants have probably caused more damage to this country than any terrorists are ever likely to.

But “Occupy Oakland”? “Occupy Boston”? If “we are the 99%”, then we are Oakland, we are Boston. Isn’t the real point that the 1% are occupying us? That we are, in effect, living under their puppet regime?

Wouldn’t it make sense to use language that implies we are actually defending our homes from an abusive force rather attempting to invade something? The message to our elected leaders rulers is not necessarily “we will overthrow you”, but perhaps more like “you’re killing us, and we aren’t going to take it anymore”. That at least has the potential to be turned into an invitation to return to being the government they were, in theory, democratically elected to be — that is if they truly can, in fact, figure out how not to be elitist, authoritarian, collaborationist “rulers” (an “if” which, in most cases, is probably more about moral high ground than realistic expectation).

The “occupy” message also has the potential to make those who don’t identify with the movement feel like their land is being invaded. It risks breaking the 99% into two groups, each of which thinks they are defending their homes and families from each other. The 1% always likes that.

This is probably all moot as the “Occupy” brand has already sailed, so to speak. Perhaps, the “we are the 99%” message is enough to counteract the metaphorical problems of “occupying”. Though I still wonder what different tactics and rhetoric might be considered if the underlying message was one of defense from, well, “colonization” might be the best word for it.

Junk food

There has been a recent plea shouted into the dark vacuum of the internet:

Also, what can the ombudscommittee do about this travesty appearing in my inbox

Junk Foods That Could Save Your Life
August 7, 2009

From Cheez Whiz to blue M&M’s, here are five dietary don’ts with surprising health virtues. More…

Fortunately for Kathleen, wagons of ombud (this is not what the MoH thinks it is) can hear just fine in a vacuum.

Kathleen is correct, immediate action is needed. I, Ombudwagon, will take this important responsibility onto myself. Much like the several months I spent deeply researching issues regarding esoteric pornography other stuff, I will now throw myself into dealing with the travesty that has assaulted Kathleen from this e-missive. I believe the action items for dealing with the aforementioned problem are:

1) Transfer the entire abomination to one Pinko Punko using a preferred method of e-transfer.

2) Someone temporarily un-fire one Pinko Punko until such time as he can post the e-transferred e-missive in its e-ntirety into Delish or Disgust. Re-termination (or even re-animation if the timing is good) can be immediately enacted upon completion of his duties.

3) Tapping into the power of the internets, we can then  “crowdsource” the validity of the purported health claims for the various “junk foods.” Volunteers will extreme test each foodstuff for its potential health benefits and report back results to the central junk food bureau of standards and measures.

N.B.  Experimentation is encouraged in maximizing potential benefits through food synergies. E.g. Would Cheez Whiz Blue M&M pie confer additive or synergistic benefits to the eater?

4) Once the data has been carefully vetted and all important conclusions have been made, we will then proceed to ignore the report because who actually reads D or D anyway? Well at least it isn’t Celebrity Dream Cameo…

Cruel and Unusual

In the marches of TUSTOSAN yesterday, there was a meeting.

At that meeting was a person who, though maybe not wearing red trackies in actuality, apparently was in spirit.

He had a book in his pocket which appeared to have the title To Serve Shorebirds.

This person proceeded to lead a shorebird, a zombie, the winner of “Who wants to marry a zombie?”, and a cornerless nerd to a vast quantity of Thai food which, by all reports, did not survive the experience.

An expedition was launched by this same party to the magical land of Bob which returned to this mundane plane bearing donuts.

But then the actual agenda was revealed.

If only someone had realized sooner the true purpose of the person in the hypothetical red track suit.

Had realized the real nature of that book.

That its full title was: To Serve Shorebirds Chocolate Skittles.

In the universe are things; some of them are here

1) A fruit bat which may be threatened by lack of captioning. The fruit bat would probably prefer the captions to be about things other than the way the page title makes it sound like a food additive. The fruit bat may or may not be aware that such things have little to do with whether or not Snag considers something a food additive (for which the only notable criterion is existence [Update: Come to think of it, “existence” may actually be too strong a restriction.]).

2) Fish. And business. Say no more.

3) “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”

4) Prior to now, this author did not possess a meaningful apprehension of Bob’s. This has been remedied.

Obviously the CCA is not doing its job

As is well known, at least on this website, the job of the Canadian Curling Association is cobaggery, or more specifically, attempting to raise the level of cobaggery in Canadadia to the point where that country will be associated in people’s minds with cobaggery. At the moment, they appear to be failing miserably, as Canadadians (at least female Jewish Canadadians) appear to be engaging in flagrant acts of noncobaggery, uncobaggery, and possibly even anticobaggery. (The protesters were arrested by da Mounties and then released.)

Meanwhile, here, south of the border, where moose fear to tread due to the possibility of having to deal with the health “care” “system”, we have, um, Thomas Friedman. It seems necessary to blame the CCA for this, too. If they had it together and were really getting their cobag on up in Canadaland, they might even be able to attract one T. Friedman away from the U.S. Not that I would wish Friedman on Canada, though if the CCA were living up to its 3B reputation, it might.

Also, engaging in gratuitous cobaggerylessness are over 500 residents of Sderot. I haven’t figured out how to blame the CCA for this yet, though I suppose I could blame AIPAC for not having convinced as many actual Israelis as they have U.S. congresscritters that there is something wrong with saying sensible things about peace.

Requisite Pre-anticlimax Post Expectations Game Teaser Post

In order to simultaneously inflate and deflate expectations, I am having myself pushed out on stage to tinker ineptly, o reader, with that mythical psyche belonging to you, that is, the dearest oubliette of the datastream of your very own sensory apparatus, by informing you of the upcoming special offering by Three Bulls’s own ombirdspersonmoose. The omnivarious noises, smells, and dazed ungulates issuing from the 3B stu-stu-studio indicate this offering will no doubt be the omphalic touchstone that defines “half” (MOE 50%), “ass” and the conceivable conjugations thereof for the year to come. In furtherance of levels of anticipation that are self-cancelingly vertiginous, I leave you with this:
Continue reading ‘Requisite Pre-anticlimax Post Expectations Game Teaser Post’

You Know

We’ve been trying to anger the pregnant hunger monster inside of Kathleen with indiscriminate craving suggestions all week at Delicious or Disgusting. I’d like to take a moment to assess the fact that it seems like there has been some collateral damage. We have nothing but ourselves to blame. We’ve created a craving bubble. In all our mindless enthusiasm, our flipping of delicious ideas, hoping to unload them on some unwary unborn suckas, our “satay default swaps” aimed at reducing the risk to our own stomachs so we might reap the benefits of C. running hither and thither for the rarest and most sublime of take out, we forgot that we are not in fact “dancer”, we are human, and we are mothereffing hungry.


The sunset, stripped

Yeah, well, this is one of those go read it posts.

* it *

A tribute to Richard Pryor, but would be worth it just for the opening riff on the seventies.

What Watergate instilled in some of us when we were young and innocent were feelings of patriotism and pride, because we knew that every country must spend some time being ruled by criminals, but we had the honor of living in one where the bastards got turned out.


All other voting schemes are illusions of your false-consciousness engram Islamoliberal-fascist mentality! You must use these instructions to stop the karmic steamroller and use your secret header contest voting powers for the side of good in the battle for the universe!


Like serious pants made of magic donuts

Go read Hilzoy.

I mean it.