Archive for the 'Pitchfork' Category

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Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch Approachening

Odds and sods on slings and arrows slung and arrowed during the holiday snausage making:

The Geenie Cola, applied today by Geenie Cola, RE: “I Am the Walrus”-

“This is their worst period. They were all “I’m cool, it’s cool, we’re cool so we can do whatever crap and people will still think it’s cool”

1:1 for UC using it regarding some squeezed out prose-loaf of the Fork staff.

10:1 for inevitable Pitchfork backlash of previously loved band

The Topical:

“Just as the flow of secret documents emanates over the internet-aether from the increasingly arrogant and misunderstood Wikileak’s Julian Assange…”

Incalculable (certain) for Philip Sherburne (of whom we are now fond even though we do not favor infinitely icy minimalist housescapes)

The Meh:

“Remember that time when Papa Smurf was into the blow and Brainy Smurf was……[five paragraphs later]….this track is like Garga-meh-l”

The longer it is the better the odds are for Pinko Punko, the more deliciously skewery, UC

The Stereogum Commenter Generically Ironic:

“I both agree/disagree with this [no specific signifier] list and would like to imply any effort or attention to thinking or discussing this topic is to be mocked. Effort and attention to register for Stereogum and type this comment obviously not included.”

Odds equal to the rising and setting of the sun, and the internet existing.

Also consider:

The Defensive:

“Why do those *ssholes say I do/say stuff that I didn’t do/say? Their terrible writing about our bad writing is so sarcasm tag ironic close sarcasm tag yeah I get it, I’ve been crafting a cutting tweet all year with which to acknowledge that what they say/do is predictable though I admit 2006 was funny in an already played out way, also this iPhone Thai food app is awesome.”

Pinko Punko:

“I would kill for your Thai food app.”

The Goob:

“She bounced her knees. I guess that’s another “like.” Wait, see if she’ll do it when you bang on a pot with a wooden spoon. Yeah, she did.”

The ZRM:

I’ll only listen to/read this if there is the possiblity of Mekons or Pepsi Smash and rum, preferably both.


It’s kind of a haze on whose plan it was to do a different drink per entry. I shall blame C. Next year I will read one novel for each song, and have them read and reviewed before UC gets to #77.

Nate Patrin:

Those guys are DICKS.


I don’t mean to pick on “Pitchfork’s” Philip Sherburne, but sometimes his reviews are collossally wankapottamus. I simply have to laugh at the sick joke his eMusic bio is:


San Francisco critic Philip Sherburne has been heavily involved in the electronic-music world for the past seven years, writing for publications including the Village Voice, Slate, XLR8R, URB, Wax Poetics, Grooves, Nylon, RES, and many others — including The Wire, where his “Critical Beats” column offers a monthly roundup of experimental dance music. Philip has also written on sound art and avant-garde practice for Frieze and Parkett, curated the companion CD for Leonardo Music Journal’s 2003 issue, and given talks at SFMOMA, PS1, Tate Modern and the MUTEK festival. A book chapter on classical minimalism and minimal techno is forthcoming in Christoph Cox and Daniel Warner’s Audio Culture: Readings in Modern Music (Continuum Press). As a DJ, Philip holds regular nights in San Francisco, and has performed in New York, Austin, Portland, Seattle, Montreal and Barcelona.

Any particular website missing?

I don’t think you get to drop the turds you do in the ‘fork while simultaneously distancing yourself from their brand, Sherburne. You are their brand. Don’t write for them if you don’t want to admit it. I don’t pile on the ‘fork for their obnoxious scenesterism, nor the fact that it is of course the cool thing to do for scenesters to act hipper-than-thou than the-hipper-than-thous (like Pitchfork’s very own writers), because once somebody talks about the cool thing on the broader internet, it instantly becomes passé. I crap on them because of their tremendous disdain for their audience. Never wanting to appear to pitch it to the masses, they pitch it to the masses while keeping the masses at arms length with novelty seeking and a complete lack of self-awareness.

I can’t wait to meet 90 year old Nate Patrin- “yeah, I wrote one or two reviews for some site, I can’t remember what it was called. It wasn’t even blow money.”

UPDATE: Phil S. writes in comments that this bio is an artifact, hence the neumu ref and no Pitchfork. Up with the Fork! PS does not diss.

Happy Birthday to Pinko Punko from Pitchfork

Dear Mr. Punko,

Despite the years of abuse we at Pitchfork have suffered at the hands of yourself and Monsieur Canadian, we still retain a fondness for your blog and the good work done over the years.  It takes a truly half-assed blog to make us look like we know what we’re doing.  Also, thanks for the traffic.  As a token of our appreciation and in celebration of your birthday, we at the P-fork team have been conducting our own research projects to give back to the greater bullsian community.  Attached please find our most recent manuscript, published in our flagship Pitchfork Press journal, Cobag Cell, which we think you will find tremendously interesting.  Although we still hate you very much, we want you to know how much better we are than you.

Sincerely yours,

The staff at Pitchfork


Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 20-1

I don’t know if you can handle this. We’re going to sneak the sh*t up on Mitchum’s Twitter. Ian Cohen will be blindsided. Breihan will be speechless. Nate Patrin will look like Team Jacob (wtf?)- sad. Sherburne, better left unmentioned, before he works in LeBron James’ imminent decision into a review of a Boris/Chundernozzle split white label 12 inch.

Pitchfork listo here. Our previous 100-81 here. 80-61 here. 60-41 here. 40-21 here. Somebody should graph our output over the year. Diminishing returns? I think not. UC delivers! Suck it, All Music Guide!

20. Japandroids “Young Hearts Spark Fire”
PP says: The murky production here leaves me cold. If this song were just this side of the line, say Titus Andronicus I would be fine. If you play the lo-fi game of a certain level of retro stylings you have an equal chance of me loving you track or feeling like the heart is belied by a certain cynicisim or is an academic creation. I need to put on a sweater.

UC adds: Music only a 17-year old could love. Is this the new face of emo? Didn’t I warn you all that this would happen? Blech. I can’t find a single redeeming thing about this track – certainly not the production, singing, lyrics, or instrumental ability. Truly battle of the bands material only. [PP adds: Mendacious D is crestfallen]
Continue reading ‘Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 20-1’

Fridge Note For All Music Guide

Nobody expects Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch in July, but that is just how we Ic3w3dge this chunderwagon. Ask nicely and you shall receive.

I just hope we are more successful than the long gestated super albums from reclusive music superstars that crawled out of the dustbins of history to the collective sounds of millions of voice sighing meh in meh and were suddenly silenced.

Top This Philip Sherburne Cashewy Nutlog

In comments please review a hypothetical album more onically than this:

Describing Emeralds’ music feels a little like capping that underwater oil spill must: how do you get your hands around this stuff? The Cleveland trio may favor methodical cadences in their music, but their releases come fast and furious.

Of what else does this post remind me? UC, tell me in comments.

Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 40-21

Someone is playing out the string here, but we have got to soldier on. We worry about All Music Guide getting bluish in the naughty bits keeping its powder dry

Pitchfork listo here. Our previous 100-81 here. 80-61 here. 60-41 here.

We’ll make number 1 when this years comes out, so it will be a seamless transition.

Continue reading ‘Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 40-21’

Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 60-41

You thought we forgot didn’t you. I’ll admit I was distracted planning the downfall of my local Yelp nemesis, but more on that later. I’d say there were both some good songs in this pile and some good lines from UC as usual. There is a HUGE UC miss on a wonderful track, and I wonder if it is the one that Seitz loved?

Pitchfork listo here. Our previous 100-81 here. 80-61 here.

On to the pain!
Continue reading ‘Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 60-41’

Music News

As we await the Canadian P-Fork Hammer I’ll add some amuse bouche. The following appears [before you click for the source, please read the redacted version below so you can bathe in it, guesses in comments please]to be serious.

When ___-_____ appeared as a solo artist in late 2007, he mined a very specific and perhaps underrated part of ______’s approach: songwriting that suggests both total, truthful generosity, and a level of sensuous intimacy, combining these approaches in a way that feels wholly natural and unconstructed. It’s a style so believable that rejecting the song’s methods isn’t as much about rejecting authenticity of feeling but rejecting your own humanity and sexuality. In other words, it gets to the heart. “_____” is a perfect example of this style, from the tension of its redemptive bridge to ______’s prurient vocal performance.

__________ is the first ______ project opened up to other, non-_____ producers. In “_____”‘s case, ______ & ___ “DJ” _____ get co-production credit, and the track’s atmosphere is a gorgeous blanket of appropriately airy beauty that works solely towards creating space for _____ to explain his devotion to carnality as if it were the most transcendent thing in the world. Of course, the most talking-point worthy aspect of the track is its chorus– its conceit daring you to disregard its Ri-co-la absurdity– but instead, any condescension one could possibly express is steamrolled by _____’s total commitment to sexuality as spiritual redemption.

These words are like a golden liquid pouring forth it’s essence, to bathe all of us in the warmth that is _____’s love. Chris Brown should be so lucky to have this kind of press.


In other news, for some reason Supertramp gets big love on the classic rock and robot radio here, but I’ve only just collected my “Goodbye Stranger” card- they’ve been partial to “The Logical Song”, “Girlfriend”, “Give a Little Bit” and “Take the Long Way Home”.


I always rip on the irritating Philip Sherburne at the Pitch, but emusic has tons of Forkers writing reviews, especially on back catalog stuff with in their giant new pile of catalog titles, but he kind of nails Echo and the Bunnymen’s Ocean Rain. I hope he’s not just cribbing from the release notes, but my dark heart has turned cynical courtesy of the dreck at the top of this post. Shudder. Save us, Philip, save us from David Drake.


You will never guess what song I heard playing at the entrance of the Korean market. Find out at Song of the Day!

Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 80-61

Being filled with an infinite amount of love and beauty due to the arrival of Goobie has very much changed my outlook on the Pitchfork Top 100. I am brimming with optimism and collegiality. You might say that. Or you might say I’ve become more protective of Goobie’s environment with a growing desire to protect her from the bad things in this world.

Pitchfork listo here. Our previous 100-81 here.

And away we go!

Continue reading ‘Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 80-61’