Archive for the 'Shenanometer Pegged Needle' Category

Further a-hemming

First and foremost we must thank our estimable and differently-vitalized colleague for an exquisite fridge-noting, beautiful in execution and envious in scope. We would happily cede Overlordship of the Ombuds collective to Mr. Rotten if we were not too lazy to abdicate.

Second, we feel it necessary to praise plover’s resurrection of the notorious Icewedge (and many variations thereof). Background, for those of you who insist on feigning interest, can be found here.

Third and most importantly, we are quite happy that Von and other worthies have been unspammed thanks to Forces Beyond Our Control. The new WordPress posting layout is only slightly more terrible than the last, but this is a minor price to pay. Those who disagree will be banned. Again.

Fourth, to answer ZRM when he asked:

Whoah.

This blog is still here?

No.

Any other business?

Time to invest in ponies… ponies with nasty big pointy teeth

What an eccentric performance… (note: not safe for sanity).

And now for something that is actually not at all different but is, in fact, part two.

Five is not right out, as apparently there are going to be a total of six of these.

Libertarianism can be a lot like the divine right of kings — simple elitism dressed up in some of the moral language of the day. At least this lot admits they’re anti-democratic. Also: watch for the bit where the guy basically implies that assassinating the president would facilitate libertarian city-states seceding from the US, which somehow derives from a libertarian city-state which is effectively at war with the US being a good investment. This idea may disprove string theory as I think there are more curled up dimensions of delusion in it than can be accounted for by any physical theory proposed to date.

An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!

ombuddy seal of approval

Introducing the Ombud… Seal of Approval (OSA)!

Do you, gentle and not so gentle readers, often find yourself approaching new Three Bulls! posts with trepidation verging on fear?

Do you find yourself wondering:

Will there be an Ombud… available if I have any questions, concerns or complaints about this post?

Have the photographs in this post been analyzed by trained professionals for hidden meanings, nuance and most importantly matters related to the state of the union?

Will anything be harmed in anyway by the content of or omissions from this post?

Are the authors of this post sufficiently non partisan?

Does this post contain verified facts and/or science related to politics, life or other contentious issues without presenting the reader with opposing wackadoodle beliefs for balance?

Can the terms “teabag” and “teabagging,” as used in this post, be interpreted in an inappropriate manner?

Does this post contain opinion?

Have the authors considered every side of every coin?

Is this post civil or will it lead to incivility?

Will this post hurt my feelings or the feelings of others?

What’s the number of the complaint line and what happens if it is busy?

Were John McCain and Joe Lieberman briefed on the content of this post?

Will I get hungry part way through this post?

Will I get it?

Continue reading ‘An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!’

We Are Nowhere And It’s Now

WARNING: OMBUDDY CONTENT.

1. all Resident Oms extend warmest bestest wishes to Pinko and GC, as well as thanks for adding their genetic stew to this roiling world of noise and interest. Sue me, I’m not a poet. The Ombudsman Activity Review Board also approves. Huzzah! all around.

1.(A).  Make sure you ask for a Long Form Birth Certificate.  It’s like a receipt, apparently.  Orly Taitz may be able to advise, as well as clean your teeth.

2. From the looks of things, Mendacious D has returned. This, of course, throws the status of the Ombudsmyriad into question. And turmoil. Speaking only for myself (an unusual step for an Om) I have fear that my position will be summarily terminated, and I will be assigned to WND, or worse, Jonah Goldberg. Look at what they did to Pinko Punko, and he’s on the masthead. As strange and frightening as this place is, I confess I feel comfortable here. Look, I wish to make it plain:  if I need to perform “extracurricular services” in order to retain my position, I will.  I can hook you up with half-smokes.

Not to say, of course, that MenD’s renewed contributions won’t be welcome.  3Bulls readership has a LOT of complaints.  High maintenance.  We love our readers, and wish to minimize their psychotic episodes.

3.  It has been reported that there has been discriminatory, near-hate talk in one of the comment threads.  We shall not name names, as we are not about blame-gaming, but suffice to say all participants should keep their hatred for the non-living under wraps while here.

4.  Jennifer rocks, and any confusion about recent art is solely in Blue Girl’s head.  This may seem a bit judgmental, but after review by a panel of Ombuds and a troop of Girls Scouts, it is the only conclusion possible.  It is possible that bribery could change this decision.  However, Jennifer MAY OR MAY NOT be on Notice for the “Ghosts are always White” colorism.

5.  A recent post was titled “UC Must Be Denounced”.  This is a troubling, accusatory header, and 3Bulls normally avoids this kind of drastic language.  It’s hurtful and UC is a standuppish fellow.  But the lack of irony in the face of Night Rangery does, in fact, indicate a severe lapse in judgment, and in suchlike cases, strong header language is warranted.  The fact that this lapse was preceded by the rejection of the Collins does not ameliorate.  One must always be on guard against Rangery incursions.

6.  THIS was worthy of 3Bulls.  Huzzah for Von!  Way to strike against the forces of entropy and choadism.  Golf claps all around.

7.  The previous post title was not misspelled.

8.  RED.

OOOH! (Out Of Our Heads)

After hearing the heartbreaking complaint from a fellow Ombud (the Left Honorable Ombudswagon) to wit:

If Pandora tries to make me listen to Coldplay one more time, I am going to punch Pandora in the face.

We were forced to realize that our resignation from this site was in haste, if not error.  If anybody needs multiple ombuds, it is 3Bulls; not to mention the Serving Ombudspersons/pants/citrus/team/group.

So we spent the better part of our Sunday, watching the Mythbusters marathon and casting about for a solution.  A long, in-depth consultation/barbecue/drinking session with a Certain Martian and a less certain Zombie, eventually determined a knife-like solution to this Gordian Knot of a problem:

Dearest Fellow:  Set your Pandora Channel to the Mekons.  It is virtually guaranteed to avoid Coldplay, or indeed coldplay-like artists.

Thus we have decided to resume our Ombudsly duties on this oh-so-needy weblog, and patiently await your beefs, issues, gripes and general dissatisfaction.


Inside and Out

The suggestion by COBA that ombusdsbeings could ‘learn a thing or two from advice columnists’ has the ombudscommunity in an uproar.  The merest hint of a suggestion that lowly advice peddlers should serve as examples for the time honored tradition of ombuddling is farcical on its face.

For instance, we are constrained from saying “wake up and smell the coffee” by our oath.

Also, the inherent judgementalism inherent in proffering advice to people you’ve never met is antithetical to the neutral demeanor that all ombuds strive for.  This has been stressed by the COBA recently;  It is number one on the newly released Central Ombudsman’s Board of Accession Guidelines, which is currently the Law as far as we Ombudsgroupers are concerned.

We are legally unable to comment on the vision of shooting advice columnists out of a giant vagina like hole.

Further Business:  The Mandos/PP/KWB discussion of events in Iran is very very very good, and deserves chupacabra golf claps.  If you haven’t read it yet, put on your serious panties and go do so.

Moar Bizness:  New Visitor Leadership says:

“I never know what anyone on this blog is saying. I come here for the banners!

Respectfully, I suggest to that Mr/Mr/Ms/Lettuce/Zombie Ship submit banners to the Owners as soon as possible.  Fame and Fortune Await!  In fact, a new banner contest should probably be commenced.  Submitting banners with Battle Raps gains additional points.  BG videos and boxes of cash are, regrettably, not allowed.

On a side note:  dancing hitlers in tutus are in very poor taste.  But hilarious.  Leftous Bubba should consider himself chastised.  Chastised, and applauded.

Finally, it is our sad duty to  report  apparent shenanigans by the proprietors of this weblog.

It has come to our attention that there are multiple ombudstemps roaming this area.  It is obvious (and has been confirmed by an anonymous source named Deep Lettuce) that in order to compensate for the tragic, even if temporary, loss of the irreplaceable D-Mendacious, the proprietor-baggers contracted with NO LESS THAN THREE,  and possibly as many as eleventeen, replacement part-time temporary ombudsbeings.

Not only is this a violation of Internet Traditions and  the labor laws of most states but also and most importantly ancient Ombudsman Tradition, which makes it plain that no more than one ombud must perform his duties for any entity, to forestall the kind of contradiction and kerfuffle as we have seen here of late.

As one of the sad victims of this deception, I feel there is no proper choice but to resign from my temporary post of Ombudsglooob, as well as terminating my membership in COBA.  Indeed, it seems that in the light of this transgression, I must cease practicing Ombuddering.

It is with great sadness I take this step, but ombudethics demand it.  I trust my colleagues will respond appropriately.

With heavy heart, I remain, Ombudsglooob (in name only)

sigh.  I shan’t be back.

Respond to my post, Libs!!!

No, Seriously

does anybody know who’s pants these are?

Cruel and Unusual

In the marches of TUSTOSAN yesterday, there was a meeting.

At that meeting was a person who, though maybe not wearing red trackies in actuality, apparently was in spirit.

He had a book in his pocket which appeared to have the title To Serve Shorebirds.

This person proceeded to lead a shorebird, a zombie, the winner of “Who wants to marry a zombie?”, and a cornerless nerd to a vast quantity of Thai food which, by all reports, did not survive the experience.

An expedition was launched by this same party to the magical land of Bob which returned to this mundane plane bearing donuts.

But then the actual agenda was revealed.

If only someone had realized sooner the true purpose of the person in the hypothetical red track suit.

Had realized the real nature of that book.

That its full title was: To Serve Shorebirds Chocolate Skittles.

The Jig is Up

The insidious Gawker cabal behind the Consumerist has chosen to go another direction. My guess is they’ll go with some shady spider-money laundering drug cartel.

I’m certainly glad we pre-emptively trolled certain members of the Consumerist commentariat, however, this still hurts when Trickster writes:

Some bloggers trying to promote their site using unoriginal spider money jokes.

>.>

We love Liam Kinkaid forever and ever and grant honorary 3B status for this:

Caveat emptor!

Best of luck to our beloved Consumerist, may they receive new and benevolent overlords. They are mensches.

Raising the Stakes

As you may know, we’ve attempted to buy the Consumerist, as outlined here. We’ve taken on kindly financial backing from fish. Take a look at these financial guns. Below we blog cc you, our readers and supporters.