Archive for the 'Take 5' Category

OooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOooooOOOO (Factorial)!

Be safe! Don’t eat too much candy. Up with Occupy Mounds down with Occupy Snickers, and let us know if you get anything special.

And get that GHOST up in your MELON.

In lieu of

a dark and depressing post about the bottom of the Cloverhill Big Texas political ad barrel, and the worst of the worst snotty, grabbing, selfish dog-insulting brat trick or treaters (GRANPA PANTS=ON), onto whom I will project the infective conservative hypocrisy of their unknown parents, I will give you the 10-minute Jack-O-Lantern:
Continue reading ‘In lieu of’

An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!

ombuddy seal of approval

Introducing the Ombud… Seal of Approval (OSA)!

Do you, gentle and not so gentle readers, often find yourself approaching new Three Bulls! posts with trepidation verging on fear?

Do you find yourself wondering:

Will there be an Ombud… available if I have any questions, concerns or complaints about this post?

Have the photographs in this post been analyzed by trained professionals for hidden meanings, nuance and most importantly matters related to the state of the union?

Will anything be harmed in anyway by the content of or omissions from this post?

Are the authors of this post sufficiently non partisan?

Does this post contain verified facts and/or science related to politics, life or other contentious issues without presenting the reader with opposing wackadoodle beliefs for balance?

Can the terms “teabag” and “teabagging,” as used in this post, be interpreted in an inappropriate manner?

Does this post contain opinion?

Have the authors considered every side of every coin?

Is this post civil or will it lead to incivility?

Will this post hurt my feelings or the feelings of others?

What’s the number of the complaint line and what happens if it is busy?

Were John McCain and Joe Lieberman briefed on the content of this post?

Will I get hungry part way through this post?

Will I get it?

Continue reading ‘An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!’

Junk food

There has been a recent plea shouted into the dark vacuum of the internet:

Also, what can the ombudscommittee do about this travesty appearing in my inbox

Junk Foods That Could Save Your Life
August 7, 2009

From Cheez Whiz to blue M&M’s, here are five dietary don’ts with surprising health virtues. More…

Fortunately for Kathleen, wagons of ombud (this is not what the MoH thinks it is) can hear just fine in a vacuum.

Kathleen is correct, immediate action is needed. I, Ombudwagon, will take this important responsibility onto myself. Much like the several months I spent deeply researching issues regarding esoteric pornography other stuff, I will now throw myself into dealing with the travesty that has assaulted Kathleen from this e-missive. I believe the action items for dealing with the aforementioned problem are:

1) Transfer the entire abomination to one Pinko Punko using a preferred method of e-transfer.

2) Someone temporarily un-fire one Pinko Punko until such time as he can post the e-transferred e-missive in its e-ntirety into Delish or Disgust. Re-termination (or even re-animation if the timing is good) can be immediately enacted upon completion of his duties.

3) Tapping into the power of the internets, we can then  “crowdsource” the validity of the purported health claims for the various “junk foods.” Volunteers will extreme test each foodstuff for its potential health benefits and report back results to the central junk food bureau of standards and measures.

N.B.  Experimentation is encouraged in maximizing potential benefits through food synergies. E.g. Would Cheez Whiz Blue M&M pie confer additive or synergistic benefits to the eater?

4) Once the data has been carefully vetted and all important conclusions have been made, we will then proceed to ignore the report because who actually reads D or D anyway? Well at least it isn’t Celebrity Dream Cameo…

Since The Ice Skate Fits

the frozen wastes of Hostess Snowball hell, we take back EVERYTHING, no seriously we reject this, we renounce this, this is severely repudiated with EXTREME prejudice. This we do not renounce- Battle Raps are seriouspants. we shall proceed with bringing to you something mooted by committee over two Earth years ago (here, not here). Does anyone even have a link? Oh it had to do with this, and we did it in a shockingly timely and full-assed fashion. We did not bring it to you until now, because now is when the hell’s icy highway was slippery enough for us to skid on the black ice into our piles of photos.

First, a question: would you rather have this difficult to follow narrative or a tortured discourse about politics, from meaningless shits like ourselves about topics soon-to-be-forgotten, in a patronizing and distinctly dense style? I thought so. Giant candy bars it is.

To wit:
Continue reading ‘Since The Ice Skate Fits’


iheartPPn3B102: u on?

T5: hey

iheartPPn3B102: hav not seen u lately

T5: been biz

iheartPPn3B102: what r u doing

T5: im wrapped up right now

iheartPPn3B102: u r so nutty

T5: I guess so

iheartPPn3B102: what r u wearing

T5: just a coat

iheartPPn3B102: which 1

T5: the choclate 1

iheartPPn3B102: thats hot

T5: yeah

iheartPPn3B102: i m horny

T5: oh

iheartPPn3B102: will u spank it

T5: uh


T5: u r busted

iheartPPn3B102: ?

T5: I m dat3l1ne, smil3 4 camera

iheartPPn3B102 LOGGED OFF

OH MY F****** HELLZ0RZ. Some claim it wasn’t a Take 5 at all.

In Response to Increasing Demand

We would like to introduce our readers to Three Bulls! Select. In these days of non-net neutrality, the riff-raff of the electronic frontiers may buzz about, flittering onto your 52 inch flat panel plasma monitors, accidently accessed by a random thought driving your thought mouse while on the computer in your yacht’s bathroom’s foyer/entertaining room. Wise investors who work hard and deserve yet are blessed with humongous piles of cash know that it is better to pay a little more for their surfing choices that be buffeted by the brownian motion of base public opinion. As of now, only a select few will be able to access this choice material that smart moms know kids love.

Three Bulls! would like to show you what has been going on behind this wall of safety….

Continue reading ‘In Response to Increasing Demand’

Chocolate™ Cookie Take 5 CROSSFIRE

Seeing how Marq thinks he can come over to Three B lobbing comment bombs and not signing in and peeing in the shower and what not, oh wait who was that? Jedmunds? No, he hates peeing in the shower (note how I just preemptively hijacked the comments thread).

Host: The point of order today is the alleged apostasy that is the Chocolate Cookie Take 5. This bar, containing a chocolate cookie replacing the usual pretzel, peanut butter, peanuts (counts as a separate ingredient), chocolate, and caramel, will be discussed by our panel today.*

Continue reading ‘Chocolate™ Cookie Take 5 CROSSFIRE’


Hersheys has diversified that mother****er. Can we get a report on that PRONTO???
HALFORD is on the case.

Kit Kat Extra Crispy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


How f***ing stupid does Hershey’s think we are? After shoving a chocolate rod of crap into my mouth (ohhh, Big Kat! We hardly knew ya! Don’t let the Take5 kick your *ss on the way out). We issued a fatwa there and we’re gonna issue a fatwa here as well. 17% decrease in suck does not appeal to me. Please see Wikipedia for the nefarious multi-tiered scam that is Kit Kat marketing. Normal Kit Kat, you remain delightful.

It would be so awesome if this Three Bulls! post were frontpaged at OSM. (no not really Sadly, No!, the real OSM Media™- oh crap my link finger didn’t work, I didn’t want to link you guys to OSM, because I don’t want you to feel like you were in a time machine to 2001 internet design that still can crash Mozilla- nice job Chazmo!).

Hey kids, what Three Bulls! post would you most like huffin and puffin’ in Chazmo’s grill. Where have we lowered the bar exceptionally low? Feel free to comment, even if you usually don’t and tell us how much we suck. Also, waffles.