Archive for the 'The Pleasures of Moosology' Category

Festivus Animals and Motivational Poster

Err, Day AFTER Festivus Animals:

I’ve prepared this pic instructional poster due to popular confusion regarding the Red-bellied Woodpecker’s nomenclature. Sure, its red head is quite noticeable…but is it more so than that of the Red-headed Woodpecker? I’d call it the “Fancy Zebra Jacketed Woodpecker”, but the Golden-fronted Woodpecker has one, too. So here we are:

(Imagine this youtuber is embedded.)

Mouse over pics for captions, and click them for larger versions. Cross-posted here. And here.

Spam as Ploverian Cancer

I think diacritics are the new get around the content filters. AGGRESSIVE!!!

a best f?ie?d’s móthër-i?-law mákes $62 hó?rly ?n the cómpüter. She has bee? oüt of á jób fö? 8 mó?th? büt läst mónth hër paýcheck wás $16353 jüst worki?g on the ?ompüte? för a ?ew hóürs. hëre’s the site t? reäd m?rë..MakeCash2.Com

State Secrets

We apologize for any confusion created by the following statement:

Citrus Lover must be from BC, probably the only place in Canada balmy enough to be comfortable to a Grapefruit Chupacabra. Never been there myself.

Naturally, we must address this in an objective manner as befits our humble position as part of the Ombuds Collective and Moose Curling League. To wit: we shall change the subject completely.

Item the first: We are sorely disappointed to learn that Støørn remains unconstructed. When will this plague of anti-ungulate bias be stopped?

Item the second: The Goobie Thread, which hardly requires linking, approaches 1900 comments. But will it make it to 2000 by the end of the year? Or, dare I say it, 2011?

Item the third: ZRM, in said thread, back in the yesteryears of February:

Mandos has a point. Is it possible to Zardoz a post that is analyzing Zardoz?

I think not.

I think SO, my shambling friend! The thread has been Goobied.

Any other business?

An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!

ombuddy seal of approval

Introducing the Ombud… Seal of Approval (OSA)!

Do you, gentle and not so gentle readers, often find yourself approaching new Three Bulls! posts with trepidation verging on fear?

Do you find yourself wondering:

Will there be an Ombud… available if I have any questions, concerns or complaints about this post?

Have the photographs in this post been analyzed by trained professionals for hidden meanings, nuance and most importantly matters related to the state of the union?

Will anything be harmed in anyway by the content of or omissions from this post?

Are the authors of this post sufficiently non partisan?

Does this post contain verified facts and/or science related to politics, life or other contentious issues without presenting the reader with opposing wackadoodle beliefs for balance?

Can the terms “teabag” and “teabagging,” as used in this post, be interpreted in an inappropriate manner?

Does this post contain opinion?

Have the authors considered every side of every coin?

Is this post civil or will it lead to incivility?

Will this post hurt my feelings or the feelings of others?

What’s the number of the complaint line and what happens if it is busy?

Were John McCain and Joe Lieberman briefed on the content of this post?

Will I get hungry part way through this post?

Will I get it?

Continue reading ‘An Exciting New Feature of Three Bulls!’


The Central Ombudsman’s Board of Accession (COBA) is pleased to acknowledge the sense of anticipation you had for this week, which we know you have had marked in your calendars for months: Ombudsman Heritage Week (OHW).  During Ombudsman Heritage Week, we celebrate the vital role that the ombudsman’s profession has played in the shaping of civilization from ancient times to modern.

For our first celebratory act, we visit the place where the ombudsman’s craft truly came of age: Canada.  This great nation’s fine institutions have held a historically celebrated role for the craft of ombudsmanry.  It was at this time that COBA, in coordination with Canada’s ruling Canadian Curling Assocation, decided to introduce this previously secretive profession to a grateful public via the new medium of television. From that limited summary of this decades-past program:

Ombudsman invited viewers to inform the show of run-ins with institutions and with government and corporate bureaucracy. A staff researchers investigated legitimate complaints of personal injustice and attempted to settle matters. Succeeding seasons attempted to expand the breadth of the show’s concerns, and to deal with Canadians’ search for justice in a comprehensive way. In particular, regular programs concerned issues of government accessibility and secrecy.

(NB: There are some major inaccuracies in this description.  First of all, under benevolent CCA guidance, there were never any run-ins with institutions and government.  No complaints were found legitimate—COBA activities during this time ensured that it were so.  Canadians do not and have never had to search for justice—justice is implicit in the presence of møøse.)

Eventually, this television program wound down because COBA-awareness had pervaded Canadian society, making it redundant.  As millions of Canadians chose to adopt the ombudsman’s creed, the whole nation became a sea of virtuous neutrality and impartiality, most well-known in Canada commitment to multiculturalism and peacekeeping.  Truly, between COBA and its Canadian partner the CCA, the ombudsman’s heritage is well preserved.

TOMORROW: The ombudsmen of the insect world.

Science fails U again

1) I just discovered that the French for “snowy plover” is “gravelot à collier interrompu“. Which no doubt translates as “abortive attempt to empty a coal freighter onto a burial site”.

This is clear defamation on the part of the French. I am aware of no plover in possession of a coal freighter who would allow such a commission to go unfinished.

No doubt the French for “taxonomist” is “tchieundère-mouphaine”.

2) Where is my car with a turbot engine?

Forget flying cars — as the 50s teaches us, the most important part of any car is fins. Therefore it’s obvious that the fins should be in the engine where they can do the most good. When you open the hood the of a car, there ought to be flatfish staring back you, just waiting to give you the freedom of the open road.

3) Notice anything wrong with this list?

Of course you do: no moose! Thus the perverse priorities of scientists are revealed yet again.

Note that they have cloned ferrets. That means there could be a standardized ferret for ferret curling. There’s only one problem: who ever heard of curling with a frakkin’ ferret? I mean, sure, there’s “ferret legging”, and also that bit of the Laws of Cricket (Law 5, §9.xlvii, I think) that allows for “the use of a ferret as a replacement ball if the standard issue ball is a) rendered irretrievable by a spacetime anomaly, or b) eaten by a badgerA further section defines “badger” as “all those creatures listed in the section ‘On Baddgers’ in the 6th Earl of Gravelotham’s 1523 Hountsman’s Lawes.” This includes “Baddgers, stoattes, dormice:-common, New World terrappins, hedgewhigs, Tyggers, parsnips, dormice:-flame Brething, the Earl of Molemensbury, & ferale terriers:-of wieght one-halfe to 1 and two-third stone.” There is a note that the measure for “stone” is the one in use in Hertfordshire at the time, not the more recent standardized unit. Also, as no one has determined what his Lordship meant by a “hedgewhig”, nothing going by that name counts for purposes of this rule.“, but curling?

On the other hand, all attempts to establish moose curling as an international sport have floundered solely on the lack of agreement on a standard for moose. There is thus a far greater need for a standardized moose than a standardized ferret.

The director of the Bank of Molemensbury has indicated an interest in funding such a project. However, actually releasing any funds would require first finding a way to end the century-and-a-half long siege of the bank by flaming dormice.

Tiny Wanker

Snag, from Befouled, in comments, at Republic of Dogs, at our request, in response to a giant block of tweedy balsa wood, as called out by Kevin William Baker, gives us:


Ivy Leaguer, eager beaver, apologist for the Man
Scruffy beard, pallor’s weird, his delusions are so grand
Blogerina, I know I’ve seen ya with your head stuck in the sand
And now he’s posting, always boasting, status quo is in his hand

Moderate on his cot
In the basement of his mom
Typing fast he just laughs
And makes lists of who we should bomb

Philosopher, he does infer
From a false analogy
Justifying without crying
His flawed mentality

But oh how it feels unreal
Writing words that are so absurd
Oh my God you are pretentious
You must have dementia, dementia

Shut your piehole tiny wanker
How could you be so obtuse?
I’ll shoot myself if you don’t stop
Or stick my head into a noose

Ivy Leaguer, eager beaver, apologist for the Man
Scruffy beard, pallor’s weird, his delusions are so grand
Blogerina, I know I’ve seen ya with your head stuck in the sand
And now he’s posting, always boasting, status quo is in his hand

Snag is a precious resource who should be showered with bourbon.

Why Sarah Palin changes everything

According to Katha Pollitt:

Sure, Palin is cool — she’s pretty and vivacious and athletic, a former beauty queen who runs marathons, hunts , fishes and eats mooseburgers, plus she’s got five kids with unusual names like Willow and Track, including a newborn with Down’s syndrome.

Clearly, McCain’s choice of Palin appears to be an attempt to appeal to the 3B vote. No doubt the first time in history anyone has done this.

It may, however, be slightly worrying to one of our more extensively hybridized authors.

Though come to think of it, “hunts” and “fishes” may be sources of concern for some here too.

There is no word of whether the RNC has made a deal with the makers of Snag brand 10W40 Moosteak Sauce.

It remains to be seen whether the ambiguous nature of Palin’s wildlife related program activities will actually attract any 3B votes, but it should probably be kept in mind how easily swayed we are.

More uses of ungulates in winter sports

In Estonia, they play ice cricket.

This is apparently pretty much like cricket, except played on ice (“directly on the ice, no mat is laid down”), so that “the results are a little more unpredictable and provide more fun and variety”.

This is obviously the most important rule of ice cricket:

If you hit either a wild Moose or a cross country skier, an extra 6 runs is added to your score.

It is not mentioned if it makes a difference whether or not the moose is being used as a curling stone at the time.

Let’s Play Snag

As you know, Snag’s persona (the disgusting one, not the Knuteman Rocknefeller Curmudge-dad with a heart of Golden Grahams) pre-emptively takes all my ideas. He always adds his little fluorishes like weasel testicles and what not. Anyway, why don’t we play a little Snag’s Product Endorsements in commentos.