Archive for the 'Who do you want to be today?' Category

Big Taxonomy strikes again

In a move possibly revealing their secret relationship with the Canadian Curling Association, the American Ornithological Union — a front organization if I ever saw one — is autocratically reordering the furniture of the universe. Citing “genetic” “information” from “scientists”, they have decided that snowy plovers are a distinct species, not a sub-species of Kentish plovers as previously thought, and thus must be known as Charadrius nivosus rather than Charadrius alexandrinus nivosus. This, as you may guess, causes distress, hangnails, gastroenteritis, and bureaucracy.

I would no doubt regard being declared a separate “species” as some kind of blatant eugenics program if the other Kentish plovers didn’t horde all the scones for themselves. I would also no doubt inform the AOU that I shan’t be back, if I’d ever been there. But, of course, “there” is nothing but an empty lot with emus nesting in it, as is clearly seen in the satellite photo below. Don’t be surprised if the next time they rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic, it is to put you in one of them.

Eemuuus innn spaaaaaaace!!!

Correspondence

Edited for clarity:

Good Sir,

I write to you as a man in need. I am becoming hellaciously busy this summer with various things, and will have little time to perform my duties as ombudsmoose or much of any other blog-reading or writing. I have asked and received permission to appoint a replacement, and only one person in my opinion is adjudged to be up to the task.

Pinko has suggested that the interim appointee initially post anonymously, because of MYSTERY and other such things, at least for a short time until someone figures it out. Then, I suspect, all hell will break loose in the approved fashion.

This would be for roughly until the end of the summer (and it’s hardly a demanding gig, as you can tell from my meager efforts), with the possibility of extension.

Fortune! Fame! Youtube-based takedowns of 3B on their own turf!

It’s an offer you can’t refuse.

If you’re down with this (and we hope you are), do let me know, and contact Pinko for login and related shenanigistical information.

We await your reply with the greatest of anticipation.

Yours, etc,

The Mendacious

***

Esteemed Ombudspersonpantsmoose:

After consulting with Milwaukee Law Firm and Brewery, it has been determined that the proposed services do not substantially conflict with any prior commitments, although the potential for mind-bending disaster is a bit off-putting. Fortunately, I am in contact with a Minnesota based motel-blogger, who has assured me that any ensuing debacle will be fully defended by the 3Bulls Legal Assistance fund….

I think it is, however, only fair to warn that my serious pants are threadbare, my shenaniganskillz are likely not up to snuff, and my ass will not even come close to the half-mark.

I love the idea of nonnamous posting, because as pointed out the resulting commotion when the zombie is out of the bag offers at least some potential for amusement, if not a psychotic episode or two. Or, possibly, widespread apathy.

Plus, it is an effective way of forestalling a 3Bulls based Zardoz episode. So, you know, well played.

Shamblingly yours,

Zombie Rotten McDonald

Will you please join us in extending the Antlers of Gratitude to our favourite online revenant for holding the fort through these eventful times, and for providing much entertainment in his various guises.

There is so much to review, I’m not going to. Would you expect anything more?

Complaints may now safely be addressed to yours truly, where they will be ignored in customary fashion.

More to follow.

We Are Nowhere And It’s Now

WARNING: OMBUDDY CONTENT.

1. all Resident Oms extend warmest bestest wishes to Pinko and GC, as well as thanks for adding their genetic stew to this roiling world of noise and interest. Sue me, I’m not a poet. The Ombudsman Activity Review Board also approves. Huzzah! all around.

1.(A).  Make sure you ask for a Long Form Birth Certificate.  It’s like a receipt, apparently.  Orly Taitz may be able to advise, as well as clean your teeth.

2. From the looks of things, Mendacious D has returned. This, of course, throws the status of the Ombudsmyriad into question. And turmoil. Speaking only for myself (an unusual step for an Om) I have fear that my position will be summarily terminated, and I will be assigned to WND, or worse, Jonah Goldberg. Look at what they did to Pinko Punko, and he’s on the masthead. As strange and frightening as this place is, I confess I feel comfortable here. Look, I wish to make it plain:  if I need to perform “extracurricular services” in order to retain my position, I will.  I can hook you up with half-smokes.

Not to say, of course, that MenD’s renewed contributions won’t be welcome.  3Bulls readership has a LOT of complaints.  High maintenance.  We love our readers, and wish to minimize their psychotic episodes.

3.  It has been reported that there has been discriminatory, near-hate talk in one of the comment threads.  We shall not name names, as we are not about blame-gaming, but suffice to say all participants should keep their hatred for the non-living under wraps while here.

4.  Jennifer rocks, and any confusion about recent art is solely in Blue Girl’s head.  This may seem a bit judgmental, but after review by a panel of Ombuds and a troop of Girls Scouts, it is the only conclusion possible.  It is possible that bribery could change this decision.  However, Jennifer MAY OR MAY NOT be on Notice for the “Ghosts are always White” colorism.

5.  A recent post was titled “UC Must Be Denounced”.  This is a troubling, accusatory header, and 3Bulls normally avoids this kind of drastic language.  It’s hurtful and UC is a standuppish fellow.  But the lack of irony in the face of Night Rangery does, in fact, indicate a severe lapse in judgment, and in suchlike cases, strong header language is warranted.  The fact that this lapse was preceded by the rejection of the Collins does not ameliorate.  One must always be on guard against Rangery incursions.

6.  THIS was worthy of 3Bulls.  Huzzah for Von!  Way to strike against the forces of entropy and choadism.  Golf claps all around.

7.  The previous post title was not misspelled.

8.  RED.

Furlough

We interrupt this barely tolerable attempt at blogging to bring you an important announcement! Your humble ombudspersonmoose has taken the unusual step of requesting time off during this busy blogging season, in order to butter better himself through other, more savoury means.

Leave has been granted by our illustrious reader, and salary will be adjusted accordingly.

BUT! Because we love you, and want to keep annoying Pinko whenever possible, we have made arrangements for a MYSTERY OMBUDSPERSON to fill in on our behalf pro tempore. I have requested and received permission for this appointment, and service is expected to resume, pending acceptance of the terms of employment, and an orientation at the offices of 3Bulls! World Domination Enterprises:

A possibility of extension (you’re welcome, Filthbot) should also be mentioned, pending review.

Other business:

There is none! It’s someone else’s problem now! Later, chumpwads!