Monthly Archive for December, 2007

World’s Greatest Editorial Decisions, Vol. 1

Not making this list, of course, is the Editor who greenlit this. In the spirit of the holidays, however, we think even atheists and those of every creed may appreciate this little known Christmas miracle.

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[Nobody tell me that someone already came up with this 5 times on McSweeney’s]

Pitchforke Cobaggery Watch 2007-Tracks 20-1-NUMBER ONEZOES- PITCHFORK ARMAGEDDON!!!

Before we start, check out P-fork’s Tom Ewing taking a gigantic shit on everyone’s head at his blog, RE: the eventual number 1 track:

I think the middle-agedness of “All My Friends” and “Someone Great” is SORT OF THE POINT Lex! If the average age of P4K staff was 25 rather than 30 (I’m guessing) a different track would have hit #1 I think.

Hmm, that’s actually a good point, Tom, I mean LCD Soundsystem has been around so long (since 2002) that James Murphy is carved into dance punk Mount Rushmore with !!!, Cookie Jesus, Rasputin, and Shaun Ryder, and his favorite Doctor Who is the third one. More appropriate Number 1s include: a bunch of obscure, disposable British pop and R/B that I’m not even gonna bother to make up by X-Factor quarter-finalists. Just to keep you in the know, this lifelong nemesis of old and jealous hatas, Tom Ewing, is the cobag that wrote up “Song 4 Matya” (90-something on the list, a song we even admit to almost liking).

I mean I have to give props here (props=old man speak for respeck), it is true that Miley Cyrus was squeezed out of a lofty position by 50 Springsteen Tracks and a distressingly sad set between 67-62 of Lou Reed, Bonnie Raitt, an unironic Ton Jones rogering, Cliff Richard and Petula Clark. Yes, I think the Top 100 should be all Yelp! style reviews from overcaffeinated, overstimulated 19 year olds. I AM A STABBING ROBOT.

10. Rianna-umBRellaaa!!!!!!!

Thiss Song Eyahh Fukkin Ace Best Tune Eva :D:D: xxxx. OMG she so cutey in the vid wen i get hungry for some awesme music fud yum yum rianna in my ears!!!!!!!!!!!!

PP adds: I’m so old I’ll just say ditto to the above review but you won’t believe me because I’m so old.

9. T2- Heartbroken

SIK TUNEEE. This is my fav song! Very good memory to this song ;] X

PP adds: I’m so old the highlight of my week is when I go poopies! I must be missing how amazing this song is because I have a bat living in my eardrum.

8. Bubble Tea-TAPIOCA GRLS!

I like stickers of cute freaky lil animals. and Bubble tea. I don’t like to drink it. I don’t even like to order it. I like to see it and know it’s there. And I like to say BUBBLE TEA. as long as I’m saying bubble tea I’m not swearing like a sailor. This store is my charm school.

PP adds: I’m so old the above review makes no sense to me and it is not clear whether this song even exists. I won’t be able to fall asleep tonight (sic- 2nite -ed.) because I’m so worried that the song might really be real, and thus a trick so kids with no jobs and extreme amounts of free time with which to create their own exclusive culture will laugh at me because I am so old and fucking stupid.

7. Vung Tau Vietnamese Cuisine

One of the waiters here was a bit clueless and seemed a little loopy but was nice nonetheless. That and, remind me not to drink strong coffee at dinner!? I was up for the longest time. Damn!!!!!!

PP adds:This cuisine is the bomb diggity off the hookity! I’m so old, I just said that!

6 Miley Cyrus-Hannah Montana II

Sorry gal, this girl’s going to be around for a LONNNNGGGGG time. She’s got talent and has everything working for her: good backing by Disney, great parents, music and entertainment contacts and simply put her TALENT. For such a young kid, she’s amazingly balanced.

PP adds:I’m so old I should be killed and eaten.

I will give Tom Ewing some credit- when he’s not curating the NME ringtone chart for unfortunate 10 and 11 year olds, he’s reviewing every UK #1 of all time.

Some thoughts on the list. I’d like to give the ‘fork a little bit of a break, because I honestly realize they are in a hard place. While they should just release their list as a bunch of lists that say “Top 100 Hip Hop tracks around our office so we don’t get criticized as dilettantes for even daring to put out a hip hop list”, and the same for dance and pop. Then they can put out an indie-ish list that kind of digs around and really considers a lot of the great tracks. The problem with diversity is they are gonna get it in every single orifice because there are just too many tracks in all these genres and it is very difficult to consider them in a big pile. We all know these year end lists are silly, but it is a great time to look back and hear some new things, reconsidering initial takes and pubbing some considered criticism, so why not have “Year in Hip Hop” “Year in Dance” “Year in Indies” etc., no rankings just a recap. PFM also had a year end readers poll for the first time that they of course f*** up. They have everyone just list their top 5 albums. Why not just have people rate the albums on their list plus some write-ins?

Anyway, we made it, Happy Holidays and New Year, everyone-

20: Radiohead “All I Need”

I can’t think of the last time Thom Yorke distilled his voice into such a clean and disaffected place. He’s on a slow, relaxed, assured burn. I’m glad P-fork didn’t pick whatever song is being played on the radio now from In Rainbows. I’m only a little sad “Four Minute Warning” (from the B-side disc) wasn’t included on the list as well. Terrific.

UC’s take:

This song is a gradient of Radiohead. It starts at a low concentration, say 50mM, with overtones of that sound they perfected in Kid A, and as the song goes on, the Radiohead concentration increases. Once the chorus (OK, a kind of chorus) starts, it is at the 250mM Radiohead concentration. But the gradient increases until we are left with full 1M Radiohead at the epic conclusion. This song is amazing and highly awesome-soluble.

Continue reading ‘Pitchforke Cobaggery Watch 2007-Tracks 20-1-NUMBER ONEZOES- PITCHFORK ARMAGEDDON!!!’

Dear Citrus Lover

I forgot to mention that we had a version of this for Thanksgiving. We enjoyed it under brightly lit and highly secure conditions. I’m so sorry you couldn’t join us. I promise to consult with my tailor RE: fashionable and “delicious” (is this what the kids say now?) citrulline pants and coats.

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Pitchforke Cobaggery Watch 2007-Tracks 40-21-ALMOST THERE-STAY ON TARGET!!!!!!!

Rumblings around the internet label this series “tired”, “derivative”, “ultra-boring”, “concentrated neo-player hater eurotrash.” Guess they can eat it, because a certain P-fork M to the Arc of the Covenant just made the 3B Jonah G diss rap THA REMIX!

40: Beirut “Elephant Gun”

I do like this, I like the restraint of the tics and the shticks. The lush vocals towards the end should have been allowed more space from the accordion outro. Pretty good.

UC’s take:

I generally do not like Beirut that much, but this track won me over from the first note. It starts off sounding like a gentle Sufjanesque track, but acquires its own distinct voice about halfway through. Plenty of stuff to like here – fun flamenco trumpeting, above average accordionship, and all round good cacaphony. Totally worthy.

Continue reading ‘Pitchforke Cobaggery Watch 2007-Tracks 40-21-ALMOST THERE-STAY ON TARGET!!!!!!!’

Insiders Whisper

Those in the Kathleen camp deny that they are behind an artfully and uber-droll smear campaign RE: Chuckles’ cookies. Some close to Chuckles wonder why he’s keeping his anti-Kathleen’s cookies rhetoric confined to closed-door tirades about “substandard ingredients”, “a galactic void of creativity,” “trashy blue cutting board” etc. Three Bulls! stays above the fray while simultaneously WaPo’ing you the details! Take that, Ombudbirdspantswagons!

Pitchforke Cobbagery Watch 2007-Tracks 60-41

I realize you have become bored out of your tiny crystalline skulls of the end of year music wrap up, however this was prior to Phil Collins melting and eating your chocolate hearts. There were actually a number of good tracks in this bunch, so please be to join us. Follow along here.

60: The White Stripes “Rag and Bone”

It is kind of humorous. Certainly they couldn’t have put “Icky Thump,” an actual ultra monster, on this list, that would be too obvious or pedestrian. Still fun.

UC’s take:

I love this song. I should have bought the CD. It has just the right blend of blues, garage rock, and EDWS (essence du white stripes). I actually think this song is more fun and interesting than Icky Thump, which is great, but too commercial. This is the kind of song that made me fall in love with the White Stripes to begin with. I love the talkie funsies.

Continue reading ‘Pitchforke Cobbagery Watch 2007-Tracks 60-41’

World Premiere

The Theme Song that rocked the bake off and America’s hearts. I only wish I could watch this movie with Brando. Besides Smokey Dog looking so handsome, James Woods looks so young. It was a different era in Holiday Bake Off mastery.

Pitchforke Cobbagery Watch 2007-Tracks 80-61

This set was tougher, because UC was about to enter cookie overload, and there were some actual good songs and a lot of non-descript bad ones. I think it was as if Pitchfork knew UC was vulnerable and they went for the kill.

100-81 here. I’ll admit it would be more interesting if we had more firepower, like secret Pitchfork prisons where we could torture our prose just like Grayson Currin, or perhaps we could waterboard tha remix to get those Balearic house beats so dope!

80: Grizzly Bear “Little Brother (Electric)”

I think I like this. Kind of a staccato, clipped ramble through some psych/prog folk oddness. Good.

UC’s take

I have had an unrequited curiosity with Grizzly Bear ever since I read that St. Vincent adored him. Finally, I know what I was missing all along. I love this song. I think Pinko has it nailed with the prog folk label. The song meanders, waxes, and wanes with aplomb. It has dramatic moments, sweet moments, near acapella moments, and totally wanky moments. Which means that I should have been listening to this months ago. Really really interesting. This is epic.

Continue reading ‘Pitchforke Cobbagery Watch 2007-Tracks 80-61’

Pitchforke Cobbagery Watch 2007-Tracks 100-81

It is that time of year. The Pitchfork cobags that we so love give us new reasons to fry up a gigantic portion of hater tots. Last year’s entries found amongst this detritus. I decided to go into this year’s Top 100 track list with an open mind. If you believe that, I have several albums for 80’s prog stalwarts Meh-rillion to sell you. UC’s rocking the mic with me as usual, but of course we’d like everyone to chime in- Seitz, Brando? Anyone?

[An aside, Seitz is doing his year end Top 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, Honorable Mentions]

Here we go:

100: Ost & Kjex “Milano Mugolian (A Thrilling Mungophony in Two Parts)”

Intro designed to allow the clubgoer to experience hyperventilation. Creative mishmatch of cinematic and disco samples. Once again P-fork values production expertise over almost any other concern, such as latent anxiety disorders amongst unsuspecting listeners. Oh, it’s 11 minutes long and ends up sounding like a Morcheeba remix outtake, yes I said it. Some of it is OK, and actually catchy and around 8:30 turns into a fun, standard, electro disco jaunt, but I expect I’ll be suing the Fork on behalf of UC’s estate if he listens to this.

UC’s take:

I can’t think of any redeeming artistic use for this track, except as a soundtrack to an X-rated version of The Triplets of Belleville. I guess when broken up into its individual components, there are some fun and catchy tunes, but I really don’t see how they work together. Maybe if they had more accordion….
Continue reading ‘Pitchforke Cobbagery Watch 2007-Tracks 100-81’

I wish to register a complaint!

Greetings fellow commenters! MD here with your complaints, my responses, and communal angst the likes of which you have not seen since high school or somewhere in the last five posts! That’s right: yours truly has been appointed ombudsperson/pants/moose/peel/bird/whatever and shall, along with my newfound comrades Mr. Billy Pilgrim (backup pants) and the Doom of Mandos (quality control) minister to the needs of commenters, address any issues related to the blog, and defend the Authors as necessary in Trial by Combat. Some kind of rota, I imagine, will be established, but for now it’s MINE! ALL MINE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Ahem. Moving on:

The anointing post spawned a large number of semi-serious complaints, some of which will be addressed in this post. The rest may be discussed at a later date, so if your concerns are not addressed at this time, rest assured that, with enough prodding and profanity, they will be in future. Also, BG threatened me with fruit unless I got “on the stick.” It’s that kind of participation we need to see more of on this blog.

Let us begin:

1) Accusations of bias

The mysterious Citrus Lover, who has informed us of apparent anti-citric bias. It is true that 3Bulls! has a long and checkered history of prejudice against citrus and related fruits, but clearly we need to hear both sides of the story. And if anyone from the American Citrusy Liberties Association happens to be reading this, be advised that we are on the case.

I invite CL to further make a peel to the commentariat, either directly in-thread or by email, should it fear retribution. I assure you that there will be no malkinite backlash or cheetos-stained “citizen journalists” taking photos of your grey faux-marble countertops. But really, those walls don’t need to be that shade of pink.

2) Song of the Day getting insufficient love during the fight-song phase

The Proprietors’ Song of the Day is a labour of such intense love that it has formed its own unseen singularity. It is only currently popular because of commenter inclusion during the baking contest, and of said commenters’ desire to have their songs listened to and commented upon. In this respect, I must side with the Authors. If SoftD is so awesome, it should have more comments than Pinko’s “We Suck” series of posts which spawned my current tenure as ombudspants in the first place.

It has been suggested that SoftD get top-level, front-page attention, which it has, although at time of posting it lacks some later entries. I believe that individually presenting them, as it were, above the fold, merely implies that the readership is itself too half-assed to click on sidebar links, when its existence and updates are clearly available.

Also, most of you have your own blogs that we read, wherein you can post these things yourselves. Just a suggestion.

3) The incredible disappearing sidebar

Linking and feeds were discorporated following pre-ombudspants complaints of slow loading times by Pinko Punko himself! At the current time most useful (read: outside) content has been restored to the blog, although load times are still somewhat lagging, at least to this blogger. Diogenes, who I understand lent a hand with database voodoo, also deserves plaudits. Well done.

This is also a gentle nudge of the antler to check out new content on the temporarily delinked 3Bulls! (and a chili dog) community of blogs which you may have missed in the interim. Except mine, which sucks.

4) Lack of MSG

Someone who shall remain nameless writes:

I would like to complain that this blog has become way too coherent and lacks condiments with sufficient umami. Please lift the ban on MSG.

I’d be flattering myself by claiming that this post mitigates the coherence of the blog, but it is true condiment cobagitation has been lacking of late. Also HNT, something which has been brought up before.

However, this blog has been busy with other things, as should be plain to see. Promoting the Bake-Off, mocking the Bake-Off, devoting an entire and sadly-ignored section of the blog for Bake-Off trash-talking purposes: these are all great services to the readership in this holiday time of goodwill and Bake-Off bloodsport. You couldn’t ask for much more.

This blog is all about the community, and it delivers. It even does take-out.

5) Udder business

You are of course welcome to rip me a new orifice of your choosing in comments if you see fit, readers and bloggers alike, and raise any new issues, up to and including the median quantity of ass and/or suckitude of this post, and the mathematical relationship between them. Otherwise you can email the ombudspants at mendaciousd at gmail dot com, whereupon the wrath of Stoorn will be brought down upon the blog.

Any questions?