Monthly Archive for August, 2009

Left Behind??

Insult to the injury of not being raptured back to the homeland?




The Begats

You tubes, you wicked temptress, how did I end up where I did?

Nausea, X from Decline of Western Civilization
Nausea, Beck
Orchestre Poly-Rythmo de Cotonou Dahomey
Toots & the Maytals – Sweet & Dandy
Teaching You How to Dance, James Brown
← ← ← ← ← ← ← ← ← ↔ → → → → → → → → → →

Clap Hands, Beck
Clap Hands, Tom Waits
Le Retour A La Raison by Man Ray 1923
Jalsaghar, Salamat Ali Khan
Eraserhead, The Chicken Dinner Scene
Un Chien Andalou (eye scene)
Tom Waits, I Don’t Want to Grow Up
Harold and Maude
California, Joni Mitchell
Goodbye Pork Pie Hat, Charles Mingus
Goodbye Pork Pie (Wellington Chase Scene)

Science fails U again

1) I just discovered that the French for “snowy plover” is “gravelot à collier interrompu“. Which no doubt translates as “abortive attempt to empty a coal freighter onto a burial site”.

This is clear defamation on the part of the French. I am aware of no plover in possession of a coal freighter who would allow such a commission to go unfinished.

No doubt the French for “taxonomist” is “tchieundère-mouphaine”.

2) Where is my car with a turbot engine?

Forget flying cars — as the 50s teaches us, the most important part of any car is fins. Therefore it’s obvious that the fins should be in the engine where they can do the most good. When you open the hood the of a car, there ought to be flatfish staring back you, just waiting to give you the freedom of the open road.

3) Notice anything wrong with this list?

Of course you do: no moose! Thus the perverse priorities of scientists are revealed yet again.

Note that they have cloned ferrets. That means there could be a standardized ferret for ferret curling. There’s only one problem: who ever heard of curling with a frakkin’ ferret? I mean, sure, there’s “ferret legging”, and also that bit of the Laws of Cricket (Law 5, §9.xlvii, I think) that allows for “the use of a ferret as a replacement ball if the standard issue ball is a) rendered irretrievable by a spacetime anomaly, or b) eaten by a badgerA further section defines “badger” as “all those creatures listed in the section ‘On Baddgers’ in the 6th Earl of Gravelotham’s 1523 Hountsman’s Lawes.” This includes “Baddgers, stoattes, dormice:-common, New World terrappins, hedgewhigs, Tyggers, parsnips, dormice:-flame Brething, the Earl of Molemensbury, & ferale terriers:-of wieght one-halfe to 1 and two-third stone.” There is a note that the measure for “stone” is the one in use in Hertfordshire at the time, not the more recent standardized unit. Also, as no one has determined what his Lordship meant by a “hedgewhig”, nothing going by that name counts for purposes of this rule.“, but curling?

On the other hand, all attempts to establish moose curling as an international sport have floundered solely on the lack of agreement on a standard for moose. There is thus a far greater need for a standardized moose than a standardized ferret.

The director of the Bank of Molemensbury has indicated an interest in funding such a project. However, actually releasing any funds would require first finding a way to end the century-and-a-half long siege of the bank by flaming dormice.

KFC Gives You Gomorrah for Your Money

We provide you the video introduction:

I wonder at the future. Will it be filled with such marvels or atrocities? The consumer creates the idea of the sandwich in our crazy world.

Swoof provides you the content at Delicious or Disgusting.

We are aware that we are still lagging in our duties since our return. Our illustrious replacement has done such a good job that we worry about not being quite up to the challenge of playing the role of ombudsthing for the greater exaltation of our commenters.

To wit:

1. The goading of our own Random Randroid
by noted agent velour et provocateur Pinko Punko, which inspired ITTDGY to a rather apropos pun.

2. To our absentee colleagues
who have suddenly, and perhaps sullenly returned to the fold: more, please. The readership must know what PupH will consume next!

Actually, I think I see an answer to Pinko’s original question…

3. The Gnü Left’s dialectical diffusion
at the Eschaton, as wielded by Thers of Whiskey Fire. Also, one of my occasional hobbies is to remind Pinko et al of the highly democratic straw poll which appointed this very blog as The New Left™ following the sad departure of Norbizness from the blogosphere. This is your yearly reminder.

4. Action Item!
The fine writers at Shakespeare’s Sister have ranked “the top six (verifiable) monsters in order of righteousness.” And the humble Chupacabra is ranked only fourth! Fourth! What nonsense. Clearly the terror that is the Grapefruit Chupacabra must be made known!

We also note the lack of zombies on the list, which pleases us, and perhaps some others.

Any other business?

The Infringement of my Freedom

The Random Randroid is an individual who is dear to my heart, so it is with great trepidation that I bring you a story that I think does not reflect well on RR’s respect for the freedom and property of others. It has come to my attention that RR has deliberately poisoned my living environment and leased property, and the rights enumerated in my lease for the free and easy enjoyment of the premises defined therein. RR has taken upon himself to willfully donate a small piece of his property into my environs, without consultation with, or permission from, myself. The evidence is incontrovertible, and I will soon provide text messages (from last night) that show this to be so. That I labored in ignorance of the presense of this foul corruption for almost 16 months is no laughing matter.

Now, however, I need to determine the appropirate (sic) response.


A. Revenge.


B. Justice.


C. Karma.

What say the 3B community?

In my village a man could become ruptured lifting 15 pesetas of Manchego cheese

The Bulls of Salamanca

Doctor’s Orders




Like so.

I fear Adam Nagourney might write it up like so:

Some have said that grapefruit-related headgear is just a fanciful way to communicate displeasure with a public figure on the internet, while others claim it is a coded death threat or “dog whistle.” The text of the bill currently wending its way through legislative sausage making does not contain language pertaining to the above sentence.

A Brief Interlude of Seriousness in My Pants

I have been struggling with organizing my thoughts into a concise fashion, so I will be more brief than I usually am with these to be uncommented on opuses.
Continue reading ‘A Brief Interlude of Seriousness in My Pants’


Section 4, paragraph 4, subparagraph q:

No ombudsman may use a pseudonym to perform his duties as an ombudsman, with the following exception for neutrality among ombudsmen: members of the COBA Coordinating Convention, and those properly accredited by its affiliate organizations (see Appendix M).

Section 1125, paragraph -2, subparagraph j:

No ombudsman who has started his work with a publication anonymously or using a pseudonym may reveal or alter his present identity.

Section 1125, paragraph -2, subparagraph k:

No ombudsman, insofar as he is aware of another pseudonymous ombudsman’s real identity or other pseudonym, may reveal any such name to non-ombudsmen.

Glossary excerpt:

Ombudsman: Sacred name of a sacred profession, referring back to the mythological role of Zardunoz the Unknown Beloved of Isis…mystical cherry pies…neutrality; considered generic term for all who fill such role, whether male, female, in other states of living, or belonging to other species.  We consider ombudsman to be a gender-neutral term, like fireman.

Appendix M (in its entirety):

The Canadian Curling Association