Monthly Archive for August, 2009

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Edited for clarity:

Good Sir,

I write to you as a man in need. I am becoming hellaciously busy this summer with various things, and will have little time to perform my duties as ombudsmoose or much of any other blog-reading or writing. I have asked and received permission to appoint a replacement, and only one person in my opinion is adjudged to be up to the task.

Pinko has suggested that the interim appointee initially post anonymously, because of MYSTERY and other such things, at least for a short time until someone figures it out. Then, I suspect, all hell will break loose in the approved fashion.

This would be for roughly until the end of the summer (and it’s hardly a demanding gig, as you can tell from my meager efforts), with the possibility of extension.

Fortune! Fame! Youtube-based takedowns of 3B on their own turf!

It’s an offer you can’t refuse.

If you’re down with this (and we hope you are), do let me know, and contact Pinko for login and related shenanigistical information.

We await your reply with the greatest of anticipation.

Yours, etc,

The Mendacious


Esteemed Ombudspersonpantsmoose:

After consulting with Milwaukee Law Firm and Brewery, it has been determined that the proposed services do not substantially conflict with any prior commitments, although the potential for mind-bending disaster is a bit off-putting. Fortunately, I am in contact with a Minnesota based motel-blogger, who has assured me that any ensuing debacle will be fully defended by the 3Bulls Legal Assistance fund….

I think it is, however, only fair to warn that my serious pants are threadbare, my shenaniganskillz are likely not up to snuff, and my ass will not even come close to the half-mark.

I love the idea of nonnamous posting, because as pointed out the resulting commotion when the zombie is out of the bag offers at least some potential for amusement, if not a psychotic episode or two. Or, possibly, widespread apathy.

Plus, it is an effective way of forestalling a 3Bulls based Zardoz episode. So, you know, well played.

Shamblingly yours,

Zombie Rotten McDonald

Will you please join us in extending the Antlers of Gratitude to our favourite online revenant for holding the fort through these eventful times, and for providing much entertainment in his various guises.

There is so much to review, I’m not going to. Would you expect anything more?

Complaints may now safely be addressed to yours truly, where they will be ignored in customary fashion.

More to follow.

Mystery Art Bage Threefer

Two woodcuts from the now defunct STOT21stCPlanB who are currently participating in the art resistance movement as Harry Adams. What can I say? I dig wood cuts. I dig alcohol. And I am fascinated by drowned stickmen.

Drank (too much)

drank (too little)

An image likely to cause controversy – “Girls peeling oranges” by Billy “don’t call me a Stuckist” Hamper (Childish). It seems unfair that one man should have so much art coursing through his veins and a booshy mooshtache to boot. Pound for pound one of the greatest contemporary artists. Or have I bought into the hype? UPDATE: This wood block was originally cut in the 80s by Mr. Childish and Tracey Emin (my copy is a 2008 print). I’m agnostic on Ms. Emin’s art but do give her credit for being a survivor in the burnout art world.

Continue reading ‘Mystery Art Bage Threefer’

St0crastic Modelling


Burnz0es Indeed.

They’re not even trying to hide it any more…

Posted without comment.

Belly of the Beast

Junk food

There has been a recent plea shouted into the dark vacuum of the internet:

Also, what can the ombudscommittee do about this travesty appearing in my inbox

Junk Foods That Could Save Your Life
August 7, 2009

From Cheez Whiz to blue M&M’s, here are five dietary don’ts with surprising health virtues. More…

Fortunately for Kathleen, wagons of ombud (this is not what the MoH thinks it is) can hear just fine in a vacuum.

Kathleen is correct, immediate action is needed. I, Ombudwagon, will take this important responsibility onto myself. Much like the several months I spent deeply researching issues regarding esoteric pornography other stuff, I will now throw myself into dealing with the travesty that has assaulted Kathleen from this e-missive. I believe the action items for dealing with the aforementioned problem are:

1) Transfer the entire abomination to one Pinko Punko using a preferred method of e-transfer.

2) Someone temporarily un-fire one Pinko Punko until such time as he can post the e-transferred e-missive in its e-ntirety into Delish or Disgust. Re-termination (or even re-animation if the timing is good) can be immediately enacted upon completion of his duties.

3) Tapping into the power of the internets, we can then  “crowdsource” the validity of the purported health claims for the various “junk foods.” Volunteers will extreme test each foodstuff for its potential health benefits and report back results to the central junk food bureau of standards and measures.

N.B.  Experimentation is encouraged in maximizing potential benefits through food synergies. E.g. Would Cheez Whiz Blue M&M pie confer additive or synergistic benefits to the eater?

4) Once the data has been carefully vetted and all important conclusions have been made, we will then proceed to ignore the report because who actually reads D or D anyway? Well at least it isn’t Celebrity Dream Cameo…

We Are Nowhere And It’s Now


1. all Resident Oms extend warmest bestest wishes to Pinko and GC, as well as thanks for adding their genetic stew to this roiling world of noise and interest. Sue me, I’m not a poet. The Ombudsman Activity Review Board also approves. Huzzah! all around.

1.(A).  Make sure you ask for a Long Form Birth Certificate.  It’s like a receipt, apparently.  Orly Taitz may be able to advise, as well as clean your teeth.

2. From the looks of things, Mendacious D has returned. This, of course, throws the status of the Ombudsmyriad into question. And turmoil. Speaking only for myself (an unusual step for an Om) I have fear that my position will be summarily terminated, and I will be assigned to WND, or worse, Jonah Goldberg. Look at what they did to Pinko Punko, and he’s on the masthead. As strange and frightening as this place is, I confess I feel comfortable here. Look, I wish to make it plain:  if I need to perform “extracurricular services” in order to retain my position, I will.  I can hook you up with half-smokes.

Not to say, of course, that MenD’s renewed contributions won’t be welcome.  3Bulls readership has a LOT of complaints.  High maintenance.  We love our readers, and wish to minimize their psychotic episodes.

3.  It has been reported that there has been discriminatory, near-hate talk in one of the comment threads.  We shall not name names, as we are not about blame-gaming, but suffice to say all participants should keep their hatred for the non-living under wraps while here.

4.  Jennifer rocks, and any confusion about recent art is solely in Blue Girl’s head.  This may seem a bit judgmental, but after review by a panel of Ombuds and a troop of Girls Scouts, it is the only conclusion possible.  It is possible that bribery could change this decision.  However, Jennifer MAY OR MAY NOT be on Notice for the “Ghosts are always White” colorism.

5.  A recent post was titled “UC Must Be Denounced”.  This is a troubling, accusatory header, and 3Bulls normally avoids this kind of drastic language.  It’s hurtful and UC is a standuppish fellow.  But the lack of irony in the face of Night Rangery does, in fact, indicate a severe lapse in judgment, and in suchlike cases, strong header language is warranted.  The fact that this lapse was preceded by the rejection of the Collins does not ameliorate.  One must always be on guard against Rangery incursions.

6.  THIS was worthy of 3Bulls.  Huzzah for Von!  Way to strike against the forces of entropy and choadism.  Golf claps all around.

7.  The previous post title was not misspelled.

8.  RED.


Baby needs a web handle. Bérubé is taken. I KNOW. Obnoxious.