Monthly Archive for January, 2010

I think

Kathleen knows that we are somewhat of Twitter nemeses- that is I read her Twizzbits and desired to comment upon them instantly in some sort of thread where we make funny jokes and what not, but I can’t because that world is off limits to me and my mere public use of the internet. I am also against the simplest of internet comments such as “LOL” or “FAIL” or the very played out “EPIC FAIL” but I leave it to the readers and ombuds here to decide the most appropriate comment for Ms. K RE:

RT @mcsweeneysbooks: A Response By An Aspiring Screenwriter Whose Screenplay Was Turned Down Because It’s Exactly Like Robocop: http://b

about 6 hours ago from web


Let us all use our powers- perhaps even The Secret- such that we may load the aforementioned page, http://b- so simple in its elegant address.

Where is Punxsutawney Phil?

I presume he would do an equally good bad random arbitrary job. Yet this is a billion dollar industry.

Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 60-41

You thought we forgot didn’t you. I’ll admit I was distracted planning the downfall of my local Yelp nemesis, but more on that later. I’d say there were both some good songs in this pile and some good lines from UC as usual. There is a HUGE UC miss on a wonderful track, and I wonder if it is the one that Seitz loved?

Pitchfork listo here. Our previous 100-81 here. 80-61 here.

On to the pain!
Continue reading ‘Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 60-41’

fish vs shorebird, sort of: Use and abuse of narrative, part 3

I’m sure these Acme Jet-propelled Skates will work this time.

Prior installments: part 1, part 2.

Continue reading ‘fish vs shorebird, sort of: Use and abuse of narrative, part 3’

Ombudsman Heritage Week: Q&A edition

Von, of all people, asks at ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©’s place:

How does one enroll in OmbusAcademY?
is there like a test or something?

Indeed there is! Enrolment in the 3Bulls! Academy of Ombudsmeese involves an intensive selection process, rigorous written examinations, a near-pathological dislike of Pitchfork, and a studied disregard for the gripes of our dear, dear readership. It is not an easy undertaking. The interview process alone (known as the Trials of Umbrage) can break down even the most YouTube-hardened commenter.

The written portion requires an extensive knowledge of condiments and BUBBLE TEA, as well as a demonstrated familiarity with the only occasionally sensical vocabulary of this blog.

Once the applicant has passed the selection process and the Antlers of Incomprehensibility have been bestowed, training begins. Novitiates are required to modify their diet in order to develop an immunity to Ghost Melon, Grapefruit Chupacabra and other genus Citrullus entities. There is also limited exposure the RedState, WorldNetDaily, and other toxic substances, in order to better condition trainees for the rigors ahead. If overexposure occurs (and it is always a risk), a healthy dose of Somerby is administered immediately, followed by a decompression period at Sadly, No!

When the trainee has toiled to the satisfaction of the editorship, the secretive Rite of the Pork Snorkel takes place. This cannot be discussed openly. Only qualified students may learn of, and attempt to survive, its delicious mysteries.

Finally, once the smoke has cleared and all the barbecue sauce has been scoured from the ceiling, survivors are given a lengthy login name, an amusing password, and set loose on an unsuspecting public.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Any questions?

Music News

As we await the Canadian P-Fork Hammer I’ll add some amuse bouche. The following appears [before you click for the source, please read the redacted version below so you can bathe in it, guesses in comments please]to be serious.

When ___-_____ appeared as a solo artist in late 2007, he mined a very specific and perhaps underrated part of ______’s approach: songwriting that suggests both total, truthful generosity, and a level of sensuous intimacy, combining these approaches in a way that feels wholly natural and unconstructed. It’s a style so believable that rejecting the song’s methods isn’t as much about rejecting authenticity of feeling but rejecting your own humanity and sexuality. In other words, it gets to the heart. “_____” is a perfect example of this style, from the tension of its redemptive bridge to ______’s prurient vocal performance.

__________ is the first ______ project opened up to other, non-_____ producers. In “_____”‘s case, ______ & ___ “DJ” _____ get co-production credit, and the track’s atmosphere is a gorgeous blanket of appropriately airy beauty that works solely towards creating space for _____ to explain his devotion to carnality as if it were the most transcendent thing in the world. Of course, the most talking-point worthy aspect of the track is its chorus– its conceit daring you to disregard its Ri-co-la absurdity– but instead, any condescension one could possibly express is steamrolled by _____’s total commitment to sexuality as spiritual redemption.

These words are like a golden liquid pouring forth it’s essence, to bathe all of us in the warmth that is _____’s love. Chris Brown should be so lucky to have this kind of press.


In other news, for some reason Supertramp gets big love on the classic rock and robot radio here, but I’ve only just collected my “Goodbye Stranger” card- they’ve been partial to “The Logical Song”, “Girlfriend”, “Give a Little Bit” and “Take the Long Way Home”.


I always rip on the irritating Philip Sherburne at the Pitch, but emusic has tons of Forkers writing reviews, especially on back catalog stuff with in their giant new pile of catalog titles, but he kind of nails Echo and the Bunnymen’s Ocean Rain. I hope he’s not just cribbing from the release notes, but my dark heart has turned cynical courtesy of the dreck at the top of this post. Shudder. Save us, Philip, save us from David Drake.


You will never guess what song I heard playing at the entrance of the Korean market. Find out at Song of the Day!


Three B readers are encouraged to Icewedge the crap out of this.

Trollypants has already been denounced, but will they have the guts to show it???


Why do the terrorists and STFU Parents hate?

Goobie sleeps peacefully, yet vaguely displeased at such awfulness. Perhaps a cute hat can rectify?

Per Thunderpants request.


Saw a Dodge Challenger with the General Lee paint job on the street today. An original, yet they also had the Boss Hogg steer horns on the front. Isn’t that a mixed redneck metaphor?


I meant to add that I heard a song I had never heard before on the robot radio station.

Robot radio has played some goodies this week, such as:

I say this is as equally good pop and lock song as Herbie Hancock’s “Rock It”. Anyhoo, they also dropped a back to back of FGTH “Relax” and the Stones’ “19th Nervous Breakdown.”

But this, I don’t know what to call it but BG music, except I think it is probably more Jennifer music. In my dotage, on a station for the masses, I very rarely hear a song that has not been vaguely catalogued in the ol’ brainzoes to some extent. I mean, in Big Texas Cloverhill Honeybun, I have learned of many many new Sammy Hagar THE RED ROCKER tunes on what is now considered classic rock, but it has always been a very familiar flavor. This one, was like What. The.

I think this was fanning the flames at Comiskey the night of the rally. I think it is awesome. This dude is clearly of a different quality.

fish vs shorebird, sort of: Use and abuse of narrative, part 2

When I put up the previous post in this mishegas, I left a comment at fish’s saying:

I’m afraid I’ve ended up engaging in disproportionate response again.

It has been suggested to me that this should be my tag line. Sadly, I can find no argument against that.

Below the fold, find “epic ploveriness” or “an amazing cure for insomnia” or “a tragic misuse of space where there should be moose jokes and Goobie pics” or “an evil ploy by sink lettuce” or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days (now with annoying Wittgensteinian numbering system!).

Continue reading ‘fish vs shorebird, sort of: Use and abuse of narrative, part 2’