Monthly Archive for February, 2010

fish vs shorebird, sort of: Use and abuse of narrative, part 4

The sheepish look on a particular shorebird at, with this post, disturbing the tranquillity of those who thought this particular brouhaha had subsided a month ago caused one of our editors to suggest filing it under “fish vs ovine”, but said editor was, to easily imaginable effect, threatened with being locked in the room with the ombudscrew.

Perhaps this post will function as a kind of outreach to the zombie community.

Either that or when the cart heralded by “Bring out your dead!” arrives, it will simply be bundled on to it, protestations that it is, in point of fact, not well characterized as “dead” notwithstanding — though whether that is because those protestations are ignored, or are, as it turns out, never made, is probably not within my purview.

Prior installments: part 1, part 2, Part 3.

Continue reading ‘fish vs shorebird, sort of: Use and abuse of narrative, part 4′

Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 40-21

Someone is playing out the string here, but we have got to soldier on. We worry about All Music Guide getting bluish in the naughty bits keeping its powder dry

Pitchfork listo here. Our previous 100-81 here. 80-61 here. 60-41 here.

We’ll make number 1 when this years comes out, so it will be a seamless transition.

Continue reading ‘Pitchfork Cobaggery Watch 2009 Numbers 40-21′

Our Reputation

Precedes. I can’t tell if I am infinitely sad or mildly amused that a reputation exists that the merest whiff of my nom de blog instills annoyance in even one individual. Onward!

I was thinking

that insane Dubai over-the-top extravagance would reach its apotheosis if they somehow had finagled hosting the Winter Olympics concurrently with the Summer Olympics, also hosted by Dubai, on an Olympics Rings-shaped man-made archipelago. But went bankrupt seconds before the opening ceremony featuring the Olympic torch being lit by the reentry of a satellite made of diamonds plunging to Earth leaving NBC stuck with an Apolo Anton Ohno reality show filmed on the moon.

You Talking to Me?

Yo, Zardoz!

What Star Chamber Bullsh*t Does the CCA Have for Vancouver 2010?

No matter what the result of the curling, it seems probably to conclude that the CCA will have its sinister hand in the game. What say you?

Smalltime Hulk

Goobie Shore

Superbowl Counter Programming

Since we can now confidently rule out an entire half-time show of “A Quick One…” we’re going to blow CBS out of the water with our awesome counter programming.

A quick peek at Superbowl 64 commercials, based on an assymptotic extrapolation of this year’s. I must assume you have noticed a growing trend.

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A giant vagina enters: “ROWRFFFFF GLRURPS!!!!”

Everyman: “My penis!!!!!!!!!!”

Vagina: “SPLARRTEGSRRRRRT!!!!”

Everyman: “BEERVALANCHE!!!!!!!”

[Beervalanche happens]

Vagina turns into docile sexbot.

“BEER. CONSUME FOR PENIS.”
————————————————–

Narrator: “Bitches!”

Men: “Yeah.”

Narrator: “Dodge Charger Tells B*tches to Suck It!”

Man runs down female with Dodge Charger

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Judge: “Jeffrey Dahmer, why did you commit your crimes?’

Dahmer: “Bud Light”

Jury: “Innocent by reason of PARTY!!!!!!!!!!”

Dahmer: “Chicken wing?”

Judge: “No thanks.”

Everyone: “HAHHAHAHHHHHHAHAHAHAH”

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ad nauseum, infinitum

UPDATE

JIMJAM

In our last column, ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© and Gregor both ask where everyone has gone.

As usual, we have no useful answers to this, so instead we turn to the Oracle itself, Jim Thome’s (possibly fake) Twitter account:

DO YOU GUYS WANT TO KNOW THE AWFUL TRUTH ABOUT THE INTERWEBS OR DO YOU WANT TO SEE JIM JAM HIT SOME DINGERS?

I believe the answer is clear. Let us further explore this wisdom. On Salinger:

I NEVER DID UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD PLACE YOUR CATCHER ON SOME BREAD

A no-trade clause, perhaps?

On Fake Ozzie Guillen:

I HOPE YOU AREN’T SERIOUS ABOUT WANTED FISTED CUFFS, @FAKEOZZIE. JIMMERS IS A LOVER NOT A FIG

Fisted Cuffs. We sense an impending fashion trend. And figs

And, a further sign that the Pork Snorkel is slowly seeping into the sports culture:

I WOULD LIKE TO ADMIT TO THE USAGE OF HAM TO HELP ME HIT LOTS OF DINGERS

And immediately following:

YOUR SUPPORT MAKES JIMMERS FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIS USAGE OF CURED MEATS TO GAIN A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE

While we do not normally condone posting in all caps, but we feel it is justified in this case. Commenters take note: this is only acceptable in cases of poking fun at sports fans. Example.

If you have any questions, I am certain Mr. Thome will be happy to answer them. DINGERS.